At nearly 60 and disabled myself now, I don't have the energy to fight powerful bodies any more. I have directly cared for my kids and other people for more than half my life and have won every battle and some of them were bitter ones which seemed insurmountable.
But, this latest one, it's beyond me with the resources I have. I cannot make any logic from it, none of it makes sense and I am well versed in sitting on a fence analysing each side. I have never been afraid to back off or apologise when I was wrong.
On this one I feel we are being accused of something really serious though, no one will say what.
A few years ago when my disabled daughter had a urine infection she was sectioned. Allegedly, during this detention she accused me of sexually assaulting her. I expected a full investigation but none ever came. Instead they told me that due to the lack of evidence, they would keep it on file but take no further action (for now).
My daughter always denied she made the allegation and, to show how impossible my abusing her is, I am her dad which means I'd find the very idea sick. I am also totally, 100% gay. I have no interest in women's bits. I only had kids following an arrangement with their mum. It was not an experience I enjoyed but I did what I needed to do.
Up to date and social services are acting again like the hospital did, like they have something on me and don't want me spending any time, particularly alone, with my daughter.
The other day I arranged to go out for the day with her so she can shop, she loves shopping. The care provider had a meeting about and tried to insist one of their staff also went along until my daughter bluntly told them she wanted Dad and her time, not with them.
So, we are in a rough place. All the detail are in another message.
I am married again now, have been with my husband for nearly 7 years. My youngest daughter remains at home with her husband and two of my grandchildren. My other two live around the corner with their mum and dad.
I've M.E. get a lot of pain and fatigued, extreme mostly. A covid infection early summer left me with IBS and chest pains too
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TPrider
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Hi TPrider, I can see how desperate you feel right now.I can also see someone has replied about this not being the place, but please don't be made to feel like you shouldn't have reached out, this will already be a traumatic time for you without adding on another cause of anxiety for you. The essence of this is false allegations being made (regardless of the nature) which am I correct in you suggesting they are totally unfounded - there has been no incident misinterpreted, or any person with the motivation to make such false claims?
This is so multi faceted, it will be hard for anyone to help advise unless they have legal training.
Even with your extensive explanation, Its still hard to get a real grasp on exactly what is happening, just from what you have posted. Multiple issues, though they are all interlinked, some need to be dealt with as stand alone problems. First have the confusion around capacity, does she doesn't she have capacity? This obviously needs to be established, so you have your work around this. Then a historic accusation, that came about from a urine infection & an accusation they allege your Daughter made, this never really reached a resolution, so is hanging over you. Currently do I have this right, in that the Social services have not actually made an accusation but are acting in a way to suggest they believe abuse has taken place & preventing your contact???
Now I will just say, quote "to show how impossible this is" none of the things you then go on to say, make it impossible, this is not your defence (unfortunately) in the eyes of the law, so don't put so much emphasis on this.
It sounds like you know what to do, build your defense, collect your evidence, and contact your local CAB maybe to begin with & get the best support & advice you can.
I know it's hard but look after yourself, be kind to yourself, speak to friends & family for emotional support, maybe even self refer to a local mental health service, build some scaffolding around yourself to keep you supported, let it take some of that weight so you don't fall.
I really appreciate that second reply, the first, no so much but, hey ho. Nowhere like a support forum to find those who feel asking for support isn't appropriate!
There are no current legal cases. I doubt very much there ever was a claim of abuse against me many years ago, they said a lot at that hospital which was just plain wrong.
As for currently, I can still see my daughter, we all can. However, they are taking too much interest in those times. Demanding to know where we are going, how long for and so on, way beyond what they need to know to continue her care package and I keep them very informed.
On one occasion I spoke to them, they demanded to know exactly what time we would be back from a clothes shop at a town 30 miles away. I said I could, at best, guess. Not good enough they said, we need to know exactly. I said, not to worry, the carer was quite OK to go wait at a cafe nearby and I'd pay for a drink for them. Then I asked about my daughters car which they used to take her to the care centre. They said that the care who drove it there always leaves it there over night and gets my daughter has to get the bus (with another carer) but, on this occasion she had another driver. I asked for this driver to take my daughters car home (all insured) and they agreed but ... several times they asked "Is that what your daughter wants as I have not heard anything from her" I told them to talk to her if they don't want to take my word for it but they said no, just as long as it is 'really' what she wants.
I'll be honest, I kind of lost it at that point. I suggested they were implying I had kidnapped my daughter against her will and was controlling her to do what I wanted, was that it?
Care provider said, don't put words in my mouth.
I suggested that as I am her dad who loves her and as she herself said she only wanted to spend the day with me and not have a carer along, out of respect they should leave her to enjoy it.
She replied that she has a duty of care to ensure her client is safe at all times and, I will hands up here, hung up on her!
Before I got back there was an email sent to the care manager with the addition of 'he told us they were only going for a coffee and were out all day"
What had been said was, shall we go for a coffee and take it from there? Would you like to have your carer along, she is more than welcome.
That, strangely, is not what was in the email.
Got back to the house to discover the car had been left at the centre!
BTW, no, there is no reason for any accusations historical or otherwise. I do sometimes wonder, and this could be me overthinking, is it because all these straight women really cannot get their heads around a gay man raising four children on his own?
We may be in 2022, but as far as society would like to think (kid itself) we have come, there are still many with antiquated views, your suspicions could well be correct. Have you ever tried or considered a way to approach this with them?
That seems like a silly question, sorry.
Has there been any kind of dispute resolution or mediation services involved at all?
The obvious advice is solicitors but do you have never ending pockets, it's easy for anyone to say, get a solicitor, but you actually having the resources to do that is not so simple.
Feel free to message if at any time, you just need a rant, I doubt I will have any good advice, I can be pretty slow at replying, especially atm due to having a few to many big life events going on at the same time, so if you do ever message & i don't reply, send me a nudge, I have a habit of reading a message at a time I can't respond, then I forget.
I know you probably won't take that offer up, but I'd like to put it out there for you.
Ah, but I do take up kind offers of direct support, even if it is 'just to rant'
Very difficult to arrange any form of mediation when the parties involved will not respond at all.
This meeting we now have set up they are still insisting on setting the agenda to one of educating me on the way to act properly in the case of capacity.
I will go along but I already told them I will not discuss any aspect of their education package. It wasn't asked for, it is not needed, it responds to none of the issues in my complaint and, most importantly, it does not make any difference to the future wellbeing and quality of life that my daughter can have.
At the end of day, as parents/carers, this is what matters. We don't do any of this for our benefit, we take their poo for the people we care about.
In this day and age everything seems hard to prove. It isn't right they are making you feel this way. Most of the replies to you have been so positive and I think it is good to share and see if someone can help. Always think a trouble shared is a trouble halved. I do hope you get a solution to this very soon. It's not nice for you to have this hanging over you, for absolutely no reason. Good luck.
oh goodness this is awful I would get your daughter her own advocate they can support her and advice you. I would also advise a consultant social worker I know one if you can’t find one you would need to pay or your daughter would as it’s for her. I’m 68 I have fibromyalgia so I feel your pain I really do. I wish you all the best I feel totally broken by the care system we’re going through a dreadful time at the moment
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