Feeling low

Well my son was diagnosed with a general severe learning difficulty . He is 6 years old . I have another son who is 5 years old and very different. My 5 year old is like most 5 year olds where as I feel my 6 year old is very different to children his own age. He was being assessed for autism in 2019-2020 however they came to the decision that he didn't meet the criteria. This is being relooked at as me and the school feel he meets the criteria.

Anyhow . I'm feeling a little down at the moment. As my son who is 6 does have some behavioural problems. He gets frustrated or sad and isn't able to deal with these feelings in an appropriate way . He can shout/scream/throw/hit . And I have tried to help him deal with how he is feeling in an appropriate way but I'm struggling as nothing I try seems to help.

What I find hardest is that when he gets back from school or from his dad's his behaviour is often worse than usual. He gets upset over things very easily . He seems to just let everything out all at once in my house and it feels like a huge volcano of emotions pouring out but coming out in a negative way.

My 5 year old can play up a bit when he gets back from his dad's but nothing at like what his big brother does.

I just feel like I'm not getting anywhere . I'm trying my best but I just feel like I'm failing . I've brought both my children up the exact same way . Same rules and expectations etc but I just feel like I'm not doing good enough.

[Jofisher]

Hi so sorry to hear how your feeling it’s always so hard to see your child is finding life difficult. He’s clearly to young to know how to express his emotions. With or without issues I can remember when my parents split up and we used to go and see our dad on a weekend, I used to feel sad for my dad and when I came home I didn’t like my Mum much as I was sad and confused this would last a few days and then it would settle down until the next time and this happened everytime for me for quite a while. I was older I was 13 at the time my brother was seven he struggled dreadfully as well. So a famIly breakup does affect children but staying in a bad marriage can be even more damaging. You sound like a lovely Mum to me, whose desperately trying to understand what’s going on with her son so that’s far from failing. Mums are really good at feeling guilty aren’t they and like your failing your child but you know that’s not true. You are doing everything you can to get answers. You can always ask for a second opinion speak to the Autistic society ask them if they can recommend a good person to go and see. My son was under great ormond street for years they were amazing but there’s lots of other children’s hospitals out there as I don’t know where you live. Has your son seen an educational psychologist at school ? There are also challenging behaviour teams out in the community you should be able to tap into. Also social services have learning Disability teams, child disability teams. Regarding support for you there’s the carers association that can support you plus lots of other charities you can tap into for help and support. I hope you have a supportive family and friends as they are invaluable in supporting you and your children. Where always here to support you as well because we all know how hard it is to bring up children, especially when they have difficulties and your also doing this on your own so it’s very difficult. I was on my own for many years with my children so I feel for you. I wish you all the best in your search for answers.

[Jofisher in reply to Jofisher]

Hi I just thought of an organisation I didn’t mention Gingerbread I had help from them as well. Good luck remember your doing your best under difficult circumstances.

[pogdog]

Please do not feel youre failing you are a good mother .Try to speak to other carers it made all the difference to me just to share your concerns also other carers can sometimes point you in the right direction.Life does get better the more information you get .Good luck

[XGCC]

I echo the other comments made (Jofisher and pogdog). I remember the issue of transition returning from stay at dad's - even non-autistic non-identical twins have different ways of dealing with this. Sometimes there can be a reluctance to 'label' children too early so it's good that school is on your side and hopefully referral to community nurse etc. can help you prepare strategy for return from dad's, ?exercise to get rid of excess energy, quiet time, bubbles, favourite dvd, activity? 'Care for the family' charity have a befriending service that can match you with someone who has been through the same to talk to and additional needs/single parent newsletters.

[Emma_Mencap Community friend]

Hey Hidden

I agree with others on this post - you don't sound like a 'failing' mum to me, in fact you sound like a great mum who is trying to understand and help her child.

Hopefully between you and the school, you will be able to find out how to help him better.

I know your son hasn't been diagnosed, but maybe the information here might help, for when he comes back from his dad's? autism.org.uk/advice-and-gu... There are suggestions such as identifying emotions, providing safe spaces and creating structure. Maybe something like this could help when he comes back to you?

I was a child of divorced parents around a similar age. And whilst I don't have an LD, I did find the experience a bit cumbersome sometimes. Could you potentially identify something fun your children like doing, that you can do together when they comes back from dad's? Whilst also talking through any emotions. (I'm not sure what children like nowadays, but I would have liked to watch a nature documentary, make cupcakes, or maybe read a book together.)

I hope some of this ^^ is useful, and I'm sorry if not. Hopefully more people in this forum can provide their lived experience too.

Thank you for reaching out.

Emma

[Hidden]

Thank you all for the tips and ideas . I will certainly look into them . Just wanting to try and make the environment better for everyone .

[Sarah_Mencap]

Hello Hidden

Just to echo what these other posts are saying. You are doing an amazing job 👍

The Challenging Behaviour Foundation might have some useful information for you here - challengingbehaviour.org.uk...

It would also be worth seeing if there are any parent carer groups near you. I know they won't be meeting up just yet (but hopefully soon) and it would be great if you could meet other parents who are in a similar situation. This can really help and you can share ideas.

It is so important that you look after yourself. It must be tough sometimes if you are facing this as a single parent. As a carer will be support for you. Have a look at Carers UK here - carersuk.org/

Finally, we had an expert event about challenging behaviour. It was a little while ago, but Yvonne's advice was amazing. Have a look here - healthunlocked.com/mencap/p...

I hope this helps a little

Sarah

Ps - you can always call our helpline too - mencap.org.uk/advice-and-su...