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Picking a scab, poking a bruise?

That's what my other half thinks every time I have too much to drink and the tears flow. Like tonight. Nearly 2 years on I feel a physical lump in my throat and deep pain I want to cut and let flow out to relieve something I cannot describe but something that brings these emotions of sadness, loss, anger following my critical illness in childbirth. I'm sounding out to you guys as you understand like no others. I had a medical art student capture some of my hallucinations in a song and forwarded this to my nearest and dearest and only one replied, the others have not acknowledged but my family were brought up not to display emotion and no doubt, my near death devastated them whilst they barely visited me in my seven weeks admission. Anyway, a sound out. Tomorrow will be ok again; on a level.

4 Replies

Hi Kulta,

It's sad to hear you're not getting the support you need from family and friends, something we all need after the trauma we've been through. How many times has someone said "it's time to move on and put it behind you" I believe we do move on but you can never forget the nightmares and hallucinations of that traumatic time fighting for your life, but quite often something will trigger a memory of that time, maybe a sound, a smell or even a song.

Luckily for me I have great support from my wife and family who visited me everyday for the 3 months I was in ICU and even now two and a half years later we still talk about it and they support me with all I do with ICUsteps running a local support group, for me helping other trying to piece their lives back together is a great therapy and very rewarding.

Best wishes,



Dear Kulta,

I wish I could hug you. I wish I could DO something to help you. I remember reading your story before, and it broke my heart.

I understand exactly how you feel. It's only two years for you, still painfully raw. It's more than three years for me, and a few days ago, while having lunch with friends, I started weeping. I told them just a few of my memories of ICU, and their reaction was embarrassment. They didn't say it, but I could see them thinking "pull yourself together".

People just don't understand, maybe it's not possible to understand, unless you've been there yourself.

I'm sending you telepathic hugs,

Jane x


Thank you for your replies and the hugs Jane. My partner is and has been fantastic but thinks I should stop looking back and be grateful I'm not an amputee from war. I am grateful for being alive and relatively in one piece of course but don't have the positive outlook others have. It's ridiculous, I mean, look at that aspiring model who's ex partner had acid thrown in her face and how she has gotten on with life, excelled and there's me with physical scarring that can be hidden. I am on the committee for ICU support group and now a Volunteer on the Unit yet there is something still deep down that I still cannot manage to "get over it"


Kulta, it's difficult to "get over it" when you're reminded every day by your scars. I know.


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