Intrusive thought

Hi, so for the longest time I’ve suffered with this one thought that can’t seem to go away. I’ve gotten better at telling myself it was thought from the beginning and just let it go but sometimes I’ll get stuff around me on the internet that reminds me of it and I can’t help but to think......well maybe that’s a sign that I did do it. Also sometimes when I try to imagine in my head it looks real and it feels real and then this wave a of fear rushes over me and I get this rush of anxiety. To keep it short when I was little I was sexually assaulted by my cousin and I struggled with that during my early teens and when I discussed it with my mom she told me that “young kids tend to act out certain things that happened to them to other people”. That got me thinking “What if I’ve ever done something like that to someone”. After that I started to imagine me doing the same thing that happened to me to my little sister that then became a fear of me being just as bad as my cousin and hurting someone the same way u was hurt. At first I was like no way but then I got this little voice saying “What if you did and you don’t remember”, “What if you did do it”, “What if it did happen” then the little voice said “You did do it, and you horrible person” and “And your going to hell for this”. Soon those feelings of my doing it felt too real and i admitted to it and sank into a deep depression and couldn’t believe myself I felt awful but then I realized how could this be real if it was just a thought. I realized I had encouraged this thought so much that is felt REAL and then I told my parents I didn’t do it but I still felt guilt. That all happened in 2016-2017. Since then I’ve gotten better about but I still get paranoid here and there and I’ll see stuff on the internet that reminds me of it and I think what if this is a sign and I get scared all over again. I’ve tried to manage it but I have my days. Any advice to help get rid of this fear it’s tiring and I Just want to stop being afraid of it and come to realization that nothing happened and I want to put it to bed. Thank u

[Kitten-whiskers]

That is terrible, poor you. If you are interested Alice Miller might be a good place to start, she makes a lot of sence to me

Take care

Debs

[Hidden]

Hello!!

So...a bit different than what I went through postpartum but pieces of it may be helpful.

I would obsessively see my new baby dying or hurt.

Essentially it was my anxieties "playing out" the worse case scenario.

Sounds like you are just trying to protect those you love most by obsessing over what NOT to do !

Hopefully this helps a bit.

[Agoodenough Administrator]

I think the underlying problem you have is anxiety and it’s causing irrational thoughts so if I were you I’d get treatment for anxiety. It’s very common apparently for children to have thoughts and in adulthood to turn them in to memories so sometimes when adults have counselling it’s not always 100% that something they think happened wasn’t a thought. So I can see why your thoughts have made you believe something to be true when maybe it wasn’t.