Musings of a survivors mother

[samandme41]

Just signed up today on 18th march 2013.Your blog post is the first one l have read.My son who is now 31yrs old now,also sustained TBI through a road accident 9 yrs ago.Luckily my sons brain injury,in what l have read in your blog sounds similar in many ways,feels incredibly lucky to still being alive.Ross was a heroin addict prior to his accident,and believes firmly in fate.If it had not been for his horrific head injurys in the accident.Leaving him with frontal lobe damage,his face having to be fully rebuilt again,being blind in his left eye,and undergoing several maxifacial surgery to try and rebuild his left eye to be symetrical with his right eye.To everyone else its hardly noticeable,but Ross.I know Ross would have been dead now,through heroin and other drug misuse.Although he has similar problems as yours.He is and always has been intelligent and intellectual.He has an amazing personality and sense of humour.Ross has so sadly lost all his confidence and although he has many friends and does go out socially.No matter how many people tell him how amazing he looks after all he,s been through,his looks are obviously different,but not significantly through the accident,he,s nine years older but is still hot according to his female friends.He chooses not to believe this.What will it take to make him believe in himself again.He,s missing out on so much.I seems such a waste to have survived through all this,yet not going anywhere with his life.His motto used to be.Be all you can be.

[bikerlifestyle]

confidence is tough a lot of us here lack it, inc myself, on the one hand i can be awkward and not care about what others think, then on the other hand i can see a look or how someone reacts and that's it, party is over. i try and be me and be damned what others think, but then i try and be what is expected of me to fit in, then i give in.

there are no simple answers, and i am sorry i don't have any

but will he post here himself? maybe if he knows others have the same issues it may help

[cat3]

I feel for you. If it has taken such a serious accident to save your son from destroying himself with heroin, then you've certainly been having the worst of times. You say he socialises with friends, and females think he's 'hot', but that he doesn't believe in himself. For many people this acceptance would be enough to maintain the confidence they've developed through everyday life. For Ross, however, with his drug history and catastrophic accident, it might be a case of relearning how to trust his own instincts and values. Has he had any type of counselling or psychotherapy ?

Also, I've noted biker's comment about posting on here himself. I strongly agree that it could be helpful for your son to talk to people who know exactly where he's 'coming from' & can personally identify with many of his difficulties and fears.

Sincere best wishes, cat x

[samandme41 in reply to cat3]

Thanks for your reply and caring attitude.This is the first time since l registered on this community l have logged in.lts so difficult to find any groups in the area where we live that Ross has found to be able to identify,or meet anyone who has had similar problems in the complete change of lifestyle and his frustration of not having the motivation or confidence to do the things before his road traffic accident,he would not have given a second thought to.The severity of his injurys and the amazing fact that,apart from his short term memory and inability to store information does really frustrate him,he is physically fit.Ross has had several operations by maxifacial surgeons to attempt to rebuild the level of his left eye that he is blind in to the same as his right eye.Despite the fact of being advised of the potential risks of infection to his brain in the way into which the operation would practically involve the same kind of procedure as was undergone to reconstruct his face and head following the accident.He was determined to take the risks,even though his dad and l tried our best to make him change his mind,The outcome of the success of what Ross expected was so much of a disappointment,he became very depressed for quite some time.He never goes out without wearing tinted designer glasses even though its hardly noticeable to anyone except Ross,his own perception of the slight difference is the major reason that prevents him from actively going out and doing the kind of things that would give him the confidence that Ross has lost since the accident.Have any of the members here had similar problems,Having come through everything he has,it breaks all our families hearts he is not taking advantage of living life to the full.distraught mum.!

[cat3]

Hello again m'dear. I'm so sorry to hear that things haven't improved for Ross, but it just confirms what I was thinking months ago.......that he needs formal, professional help from a psychotherapist. Hearing reassurances from friends and loved ones is never really convincing. He will suspect that (even if he's wrong).......you are biased in his favour and are simply saying what he wants to hear. in order to relieve his anxieties about his appearance.

A good psychotherapist would teach Ross to see himself through fresh eyes.......sort of starting again from now.........rather than constantly comparing himself to a perfect image of his former self. As you have said (with such passion) he needs to start living in the present and appreciating his precious life.

I know it's hard when someone has a one-track obsession, to get them to look at the situation from a different angle but, if he would try, there could be massive advantages.

Maybe you could talk to (or even better get Ross to talk to) his GP and ask for a referral. He/she might suggest a cognitive behavioural therapist........either way it's got to be worth trying. Of course there will be a waiting list, so sooner rather than later would be good.

It's heart-braking isn't it to see your 'child' in distress. I hope he gets the help he needs, for his own & everyone else's sake. Please keep us up-dated.

Sincere best wishes, cat x