Hi, This is my first time posting and I really don’t know where to start. I suffered a subarachnoid haemorrhage from a ruptured cerebral aneurysm, 3 yrs ago in December past. I had endovascular within 24 hrs if the bleed. I had a really traumatic time having developed severe respiratory complications which resulted in 2 separate resp arrests - 1 in ICU and 1 on the neurosurgical ward - both required re-intubations.
As far as the SAH goes, it took me a long time to realise that I had been left with ongoing issues. I was just so thankful to be alive that I kept telling myself, I was great. I had no real physical deficits apart from fatigue, balance etc but compared to those around me in the neurosurgical award - some of whom never regained consciousness - I was great.
Three years later though, I’m much more aware that things are far from great and I don’t mind telling you that sometimes, I just want my life back. On top of this - I have OCD - I have convinced myself that none of what I am experiencing is real. Rationally, I know you can’t have a major bleed in your brain and it have no effect. At times, though I feel so normal. I feel like I could conquer the world and yet in reality, the fatigue is overwhelming - and the most basic tasks make me so frustrated! I can’t do anything without becoming frustrated and angry - even something like washing my teeth feels like a mammoth task at times because I knock things over or drop things! It’s been 3 years!!
I know things are better than they were 3 years ago. However, I feel like Covid came at such a bad time in my recovery. It kind of put a halt on things and I feel I’m stuck in this perpetual state of limbo where I can’t access my old life but I can’t make a new one. I’m so tired of being tired. I constantly feel like I’m wading through a swamp in the fog.
On top of this, my last MRI a year ago (December 2020) showed slight changes. I was informed of this by letter, together with their plan to do an angiogram this December. Of course, due to Covid that has now been delayed until at least March. However, I am growing increasingly anxious. I’m on a short fuse, temper wise and worried that every outburst of anger, is going to cause my aneurysm to rupture. I’m trying to manage it but I just don’t know how much longer I can cope with not knowing what the changes are.
I’m sorry for such a long post. I just feel so unworthy of feeling concerned for myself. Some of the people I encountered on the neurosurgical wards had much worse outcomes than me. I know I should feel so lucky but sometimes I hate how much my life has changed. I also hate that others don’t seem to understand that it has.