Im really struggling. Ive managed to get back to work and things are going well. My closest friends say im fine but my immediate family have disappeared and i notice some friends dont respond to me . I think I have changed eg im intolerant of small children (my small children(under 12) tell me im different, although hard to know if they are merely repeating their mothers words)and tedious drivel but generally i think im warmer and more open with people . For instance ill chat to shop assistants when before I never would have. is this what happens to everyone post abi?a combination of what people expect you to be like and maybe a subtle change?. I havent changed hugely and clearly cant be that bad if im working?. I dont think i have completely lost insight!. Any advice?
Inappropriate or not?: Im really struggling. Ive... - Headway
Inappropriate or not?
I have found you become what you do and how you behave. So do the right things with the best intentions and that's how you will rewire, you will become the right things with the best intentions.
There is another side to this as well, if recovering has been a chore with the health service and government departments etc and you have had to fight and get angry and have lost all respect then this needs to be addressed too, it's not good for the mind or for other people.
If you are lucky and have got through BI to have another chance in life, a good balanced mind is important and needs to be worked at. These are a few things I've noticed, hope it helps.
I was an empathetic, patient and flexible person before my brain injury, (my work colleagues said.) I was rarely irritated or angry. I worked in an extremely stressful job teaching children with severe emotional and behavioural problems and I needed all of those qualities. I don't mean to be contrary, but in my case, I don't believe that your idea that you become what you do and how you behave is at all true for me. When certain parts of the brain are damaged, a person can't necessarily put things right just by conscious willpower and actions. I have continued to be polite, kind and caring on the outside, while inside I have been dealing with anger, impatience, impulsiveness, lack of empathy and inflexibility. Some of my anger has lessened through my having treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but I am a very, very different person than I used to be. After over four and a half years I am still learning to cope with these changes and it's a terrible shock to find that parts of your personality have changed and you can't control it. I have emotional lability where my emotions suddenly switch, sometimes quite violently. This is a well known issue with brain injury.
I am very happy for you if you have found a way to improve things, but it isn't necessarily true for everyone. I feel it's not very helpful to say that having the right intentions will make things better as though this applies to everyone. If someone has the right intentions and does the right things that is not always going to solve things. Mental attitude is very, very important, but this isn't just about that, or about having a balanced mind, as you put it. If I believed that I wasn't improving because my intentions weren't right, I would be blaming myself for things that may not be in my power to change. This is about parts of the brain that are physically damaged. We can try to learn management strategies, but things may not always improve. I am extremely confused and disorientated when I wake up each morning. It is distressing and frightening. It makes the start of each day difficult. It's because a specific part of my brain was damaged, (the anterior cingulate gyrus.) It affects my functioning for the first two hours of every day. I have no way of changing this. I try to manage it as best I can, but each morning is like the first time it's ever happened. This is an example of what I mean.
I apologise for going on. I am not denying what you have found works for you, but I think it's important that we all recognise that what works for one person may not work for another.
All the best.
🙂🌸
Thank you. I agree what a thoughtful response. Ill try put that into practice
Its not you, its them. X
Can you talk seriously to one of your closest friends, and ask them to tell you what changes they have seen, and not to spare your feelings?
If you have a shorter temper ( irritable with small children) it may be helpful to work with your psychologist on some new strategies.
I was a teacher before my brain injury. I had to stop work partly because of changes in my personality that couldn't be managed. It's horrible. It's like someone stole parts of who I used to be. 🤔🌸
I'm so sorry Marnie, that sounds awful, teaching is so very demanding too. I can empathise with the loss of your career - it sucks, doesn't it?
Jen 🌸
It really does. I loved my career. Thanks. It's also hugely difficult to suddenly go from a good salary onto disability benefits. Thank goodness for this site and for Headway. 🙂🌸
Yes, it's a double whammy... Couldn't agree more 🌸🌸
It sounds like you are happy with the subtle changes that you recognize in yourself, but not sure if there are others that you might want to change. The distancing that you notice by family and some friends may be related more your illness and recovery time ( many people do not knowhow to relate to people in that process), not to personality changes. Or, in fact there may be things about how you relate to them that have led them to shy away.
The only way to really know is to ask. Of course, most people are very bad at giving constructive feedback, especially spontaenously, so getting valid input will require you to plan your request carefully. -- e.g., picking one or two people who are likely to be able to be thoughtful about this, sending them the situation and questions that you have ahead of time so that they can think about it and formulate the input .
Congratulations on your recovery, your return to work and your perceptiveness. I am sure that you will be able to sort this out and move forward positively to what will probably be a combination of: 1. Finding some new friends: Your enhanced warmth and openness will make this easier. 2. Working on managing any interaction issues you may discover. This may involve intentionally changing those behaviors or making people aware of foibles that you may simply not be able to change in the near term.
All the best.
Hi ShrunkenHead, I had severe TBI, that’s made me more aggressive, says inappropriate things because for some reason my mouth is directly attached to my brain. It’s nearly 20 years now.
Calms herbal tablets helped at first until more recently I racked my brain as to why I was so chilled before my RTA TBI with friends saying I’d changed after it. That I’ve rammed it in my head now not to give a flying Sh?t about anything. That has helped me 1,000%.
If doing things for others, make sure they have tried your recommendations first, then you can help. I have noticed people asked for help where they haven’t even tried the tiniest bit. My philosophy there is don’t help someone who won’t help themselves, because it can ruin my head for the day helping. And 98% don’t even try. So no point trying to help someone who can’t be arsed helping themselves.
Have you just got a TBI or other injuries to because with me, my pain shuts down my brain a long time before I can feel it that makes me have no tolerance to anyone or anything. Except animals because there not usually bell ends.
Other things that increase temper is anti depressants and Tramadol with many other meds out there that make temper worse.
Find out what winds you up. I’ve done this and learnt the hard way. Now I come at everything from a different angle.
Empathy is a biggie. Put yourself in there situation to help calm you to understand.
Ear plugs - noises now freak me out. Luckily I don’t have kids or teach them. Take a fog horn to school and let it go of to shut the little monsters up. Don’t worry if they get upset, there’s to many Psychologists out there willing to help teenagers with fog horn nightmares.
If your on meds for brain, amitriptyline helps ease the stress.
Just just have to find the medication that helps you to revert your brain back to the way it was.
I am good one on one with people,but as soon as others join in my temper goes where I just want to go.
I have also noticed I’ve sent 20 texts to people on old phones where I thought I’ve only sent one because of short term memory.
Ask you kids and old friends. ‘What’s Different About Me” with the kids as a game and adults, asked do I not buy the beers in, threaten you, take a block of cheese out with you for a beer 🍺. Or do weird stuff?
You can’t try and correct what you don’t know what’s wrong.
I know the temper but what causes the temper ?
I’ve got a bad TBI and analysed myself because got no help I found and pointed out what was exactly wrong, that can be half the problem of people understanding you.
I recently found out all my TBI damages that’s calmed me great because if anyone asks I can real it all of.
Or you just might be partially normal and can’t stand kids crying and screaming 😱.
I kinda need to know your TBI to help better. I’ve got the attention span of a 7 year old so forget everything I’m doing. And lower Processing Speed in lower 5% so a letter that took me ten minutes to do can take me a day.
I got rid of friends that used to wind me up and are tight. Saves me a fortune and people that stress me out. Gone.
Good luck TinyHead. Hope helps and if not add what’s wrong, and I’ll get back to you if I can find the chat.
After decades of Psychiatric services and forensic navel gazing because something didn't feel right post TBI, I eventually began neuro rehab with a Clinical Psychologist nearly 3 years ago (it's a long story).
One of the first things he said to me was that a brain injury "makes you more like yourself" and with 20/20 hindsight I agree. My personality aspects seem amplified (up to 11 to quote Spinal Tap) but I'm sure some of these aspects didn't exist beforehand because I was 17 when I had my TBI and 50 when they made the connection between my issues and my TBI.
I've noticed my short temper tends to 'coincide' with tiredness, brain fog and extraneous stimulus (cooking smells came to my attention recently); which might be why you're less even tempered at home after a demanding time at work.
Maybe some 'decompression breaks' at regular intervals when at home might help. I do that when my grandkids (4 under 7 years old) are around because they expect a full on, riotous, goofball grandpa when they're with me. I take regular 10-20 minute breaks in my 'man cave' every couple of hours either with my guitar or a game or three of online chess in easy mode. "Big Grampa's gone for a brain break" we tell them. I wish I'd done this when my own kids were young.
My wife has a fast paced demanding job and we've also found that on coming home from work she has a 15-20 minute break in the 'lady cave' to help her adjust to the slower pace at home; especially the pace of conversation.
"...my immediate family have disappeared..."
This has been the most difficult emotion to process, I come from a large, close knit family (6 siblings) who have become less tolerant as the years have passed; despite my full circumstances having been explained to them in recent years. It's not so much that they've disappeared it's more accurate say my wife, kids and I have been excluded. I've turned up at restaurants with friends on more than one occasion to find my whole family sitting at a large table (for more than 20). Their sheepish excuses have been laughable. For this reason I've never used Facebook. I've had to learn to let it go but the anger inside still gets me when I see my wife and kids being affected by this exclusion.
I hope somewhere in my loquacious reply, there's something you can use.
Thanks. I agree with that i feel like i did when i was a teenager, im almost 50 now so agrree with that. I had a psychologist which was really helpful but stopped in lockdown!
At least you have your wife and kids, ive has to leave all that; i nor them could cope any more
I think it really depends how u feel about the "change"???.Are u ok with being more social?
For me,I was in denial for some time till i decided this isn't so bad,I kinda like the new me..not being shy.
Plus..some people just can't understand the "change" n do choose to walk away.
It is hurtful but for me,I was better off with the new me n new people,even if it meant "new" family of my choosing. It's worked out well for me.
I like the new me . I feel like my real self and feel sincere. I just think others dont know what to do with the fact im different
Maybe the person u wished u were before? I like the new me n sometimes feel all the years prior were wasted on someone shy n closed off.
Your exactly right about others.Honestly it saddened me because my old friends n family never even tryed.
I found after my tbi that I've become what I consider a better person my son says so too there's no point in getting bogged down with the little things when you've bettered the bigger things,I can understand being warmer and more open that's what has happened to me ,I don't know why you feel your struggling to me you clearly recognise your issues, of friends that don't respond to you maybe they're unsure how to cos you've been ill ,I have the tinnitus the memory issue and a hand that no longer works properly but I also know that I have the resilience to make this second chance work for me,good luck.
Thanks. my hand doesnt work either. I think people just struggle with change whether its good or bad
Yes exactly but you shouldn't struggle we just have to accept the new us and deal with any changes we need to make
It is a struggle when what you need to do is remove people from your life. Resilience is not something i lack lack
Yes but thats normal life it took me 3 years to see the back of my ex husband
It's difficult to say what kind of effects abi can have on personality. You have been through a lot and it will take time to adjust. You may have really good days when you think that everything is fine. On those days you may feel "good to be alive" and quite expansive, possibly to others who knew you before a bit uninhibited, not the real you. The important thing is to give yourself time to adjust and try not to mope on the bad days, thinking that people are ignoring you. It's not really true: everybody has their own problems, especially now. About children, it is probably just because you have been overwhelmed by their behaviour. You have to give yourself a chance to focus on what is best for you and your family. Have you tried listening to soothing music? Avoid manic activities if possible and take some walks to let the endorphins kick in and give your brain some much needed fresh air. Your own family have had a fright and will take time to adjust. Try not to project your feelings onto others. Some people find that keeping a notebook as a sort of mood diary helps. You can write down things that you feel are achievements or things that have really annoyed you or whatever without shouting it from the rooftops. You are doing fine, especially if you are back at work, that's a real milestone. Give yourself a breather.
Thanks. I agree with all that and appreciate your perspective
I found a good quote today, "dont spend your time on earth being a watered down version of yourself just so people can like you". That sums me up. Overthe last 40 years or so i have learned to water down bits of myself that people found unpalatable, since my brain injury all of that has gone and i feel justified in being the real me. It feels good but sadly has negative consequences ie some find me unpalatable which is unsurprising but i feel like ive reached an age and gone through so much that i dont care and am not inclined to water down the bits again!. Does this ring true for anyone?
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