Reached the point of no return

[keg90]

My husban has complex PTSD as well as his ABi (which was the result of a heart attack 18 months ago). I have been trying to give him and us the 3 years the specialists said it would take for his personality and being to stabilize, and I thought I could get there. But 3 days ago he was made redundant (he has been back at work full time for 9 months) and within 12 hours of getting the money he went a bought a motor bike iwthout even telling me - he just left the receipt on the kitchen bench the night before he picked up the bike. We needed that money to try and survive until/if he can get another job, but he did not care about that. When I tried to talk to him about it he turned it on my (as he always does) and left (again as he always does - leaving me with no idea of when he will be home or even if he will be home). Unfortunately that has been the final straw for me. I cannot take the complete disregard for me, the complete disrespect for the family and the lack of care about anything outside him. I know he loves me and I love him so much. But I have told him that if there is any chance at all of our relationship surviving he needs to move out and we need to start dating again so see if we can get to know each other again and build a new us. He has the redundancy money (although I believe he will blow through it in about a month as his ptsd and abi leave him with no ability to manage money - which he will not acknowledge). I am at a point where I feel he needs to learn to stand on his own feet again - living by himself and looking after himself rather than relying on my to do everything shopping,cooking, cleaning etc... if he could hold down a full time job he can look after himself! I know that once he moves out we are over - there will not be any dating - he will not commit hiimself to it. I still have not stopped crying - this is all so far from what I hoped for. But he is so wound up in 'finding himself' he has admitted he has no space for me or us and will not create such a space as it is not important to him at the moment and he cannot tell me when he may be at a stage where he can or wants to. I know in my head this is the right thing to be doing (I have no iea how to explain it to my 2 boys - his step sons who love him soooo much) but my heart is breaking.

Sorry for the long post but this seems to one of the very few safe places fo rme to tell it how it is for me - thank you fo reading, Keg90

[deborah27]

You are right, it is a safe place. Sometimes when there appears to be no answers, talking is the best thing to do. Often, it helps us to find our own solutions just by rationally putting together a post for the forum. Keep talking here and at least you know that you are not alone.

[cat3]

Keg, it seems you're in an impossible bind, and time apart might be the wisest course of action. Coping alone might provide the wake-up call your husband needs to remind him of the value of yourself and others.

It's true that we 'don't know what we've got 'til it's gone'.

I know your man is struggling with his deficits and demons but his treatment of you has been appalling, and you can't be expected to care for two children, hold down a job and all the domestic issues whilst suffering constant abuse.

Challenging your husband's behaviour with such severe measures might feel cruel, but you have a duty to yourself and your boys to start bringing some harmony and stability into your home again. It might be cathartic for you both to separate for while ; you to lick your wounds and enjoy some freedom from derision, and he to re-learn the importance of mutual respect

Hope you can reach a compromise soon which provides some respite for all of you...………. Cat xx.

[magdolna]

Sometimes a person just has to do the right thing for themselves. It is empowering thing to do. It is hard but worthwhile. I sense that you know this too. If you know it is the best thing to do, then do it. M x

[DTBI]

Good luck with whatever it is you decide to do👍🏻 x

[Charente]

Just so sorry and to tell you you are amazing . I have no answer as struggling with similar. It helps me to read and for my partner to read as he has similar issues but cannot see his own. It’s good to talk in confidence here. I hope things improve soon. I’m sure they will. 🤗🤗

[Desperatedinah]

I am so very sorry to read your post, it's heartbreaking and bewildering what can happen as a result of brain injury.

My husband aged 73 has autoimmune limbic encephalitis and is supposed to make a 90% recovery in 12-18 months. Meanwhile like your husband the illness is making him become selfish, angry, denying and blaming.

As in your situation he expects me to do everything whilst he pleases himself ,like a teenager.

We are living apart now and have been doing so for about 5 weeks. I am heartbroken as I don't think our relationship will recover, he seems to be turning away. We have grandchildren(step in his case) who adore him and he seems to be emotionally indifferent.

I write and tell you this in the hope that, painful and tragic as the story is, that you are not alone in your experience.

The effects of Brian injury in my experience are cruel and heartbreaking for families.

[keg90 in reply to Desperatedinah]

Thank you for sharing - yes, knowing I am not alone does help - as aweful as the situation is for you and me, an as horrible as it is that others are also going through this, at least knowing I have sisters in grief out there helps a lot

[Hipchick09]

I really feel for you.My husband had a TBI in 2018.

He is a difficult man to live with generally and took to drinking more which the brain didn't agree with causing him to become verbally aggressive to me. He has been in trouble with the police through fighting at football and re arrest is pending cctv footage.

His manipulation towards me has affected my mental health, he spends our money on things we cannot afford because he wants to.

After 43 years together I have waved the white flag and moved out.

I too want him to become more independent for himself which he needs and I encourage. He doesn't want to help himself, it's very sad but with capacity it's his choices.

I do however manage paperwork, take him to hospital appointments and oversee his well being.

I will forever more feel guilty about my choice but his choices is now destroying 2 lives and affecting our 4 children.

I wish you all the very best with your choices and truly understand. Take great care x

[froginthepond]

Hello keg90, I don't know why your post has suddenly appeared if you wrote it 3 years ago, but I guess it was meant for us all to see again. And maybe to have an update. Did life get any better for you after you wrote that post? I like to think that 3 years is long enough for something to have improved.

Although the 9 years I have been looking after my husband are almost unbearably difficult, it is in a different way. So I do feel for you.

This is a good place to say how you feel and to know that at least you are really heard.

Many thoughts and good wishes

Vicki

[keg90]

Hi Vicki,I have no idea why the post has turned up again after 3 years.

Maybe to give me a chance to provide an update.

He went missing on me, took himself overseas for a few weeks and then came back and wanted to move back in as if nothing had happened. I said no, not until we had worked through what was going on. He lived somewhere else for a few weeks and then called me saying he was going to end his life that night. I knew where he was so called the police who eventually got him into treatment for his mental state.

Long story short, he came back home after a month and spent the next 2 years in and out of hospital and treatment but unfortunately got worse over time not better. We finally separated on Mother’s Day 2020 - in the middle of a very long lock pandemic lockdown - when he told me that his idea of marriage was that he could come and go as he pleases and do what he wanted and I was just supposed to put up with it and keep the house running. I finally stood my ground, for myself and my kids, and said no.

I bought him out of the house so that we could buy an RV for him as he wanted to travel and try to find himself. My gut said that would not work, as did his support specialists. But as he was deemed competent we could not stop him. He left Oct 28 2020. The afternoon of June 10 2021 I got a ph call to let me know he had died. He chose to stop taking his heart meds and let his body fail, so it was a non active suicide.

I am still working through the grief - for now having lost him twice and the sense of failure that, in the end, no matter what I did, it was not enough to save him. I know it was never my job to save him and that he had to choose to find a new way to live. But emotion and logic don’t always agree.

I hope others have more success at living with their ABI than he did and wish all partners a strong heart, courage and the sense to know when enough is enough if it comes to that.