Setback.

[Gaia_rising]

I knew it would happen, and my six-week-chunk-conditioned brain spat out the dummy, threw the toys out of the pram, and parked itself square in the middle of the aisle today. I'm OK, but today was my first brain-fog at work, coming up to eight months post aneurysm-rupture.

Being me, I had a little cry, because it wasn't fair, then told myself off, for being a big baby, because life isn't fair, and figured out what I could do, before I turned into a whale omelette in a suit for a couple of hours. I wasn't going home, that was absolutely certain, and I didn't need an ambulance, despite several 'concerned' people saying "What are you doing on your OWN?" I have a brain injury, I don't need a babysitter. I told my manager I was unwell, but not unwell enough to go home, just unwell enough that I couldn't make any major decisions. I asked his permission to communicate that fact to my 'teams', and work on admin until my brain came back, no external calls, no external emails, no life-or-death decisions. He asked me if I was sure, and I said I wouldn't be speaking to him if I wasn't sure.

This comes wrapped around an instance where a colleague might have had multiple TIA's, and has been emailing and text-messaging absolute rubbish at all hours of day and night, before declaring herself fit for work today, and just turning up. I don't know if she's signed fit-for-work, and HER manager doesn't work Fridays...

This also comes wrapped around my son having a disagreement with one of his friends. One of his friends who is known to mental health services, following previous suicidal ideation. I'm trying to teach my boy not to be a crutch, but he's empathetic, like I am, and he's been 'carrying' this other child for ages, before telling him 'No.'.

I'm waffling, I have a lot going on, we all do.

Today, I emailed my First Aid team, my Child Protection team, and my Pastoral team and said I was effectively on do-not-disturb until further notice. I emailed the reception desks, and asked them to email me any calls that came in for me, explaining to the caller that I was 'Not at my desk', in direct contradiction of the message I had sent to my other teams...

For about three hours, I did mindless, but not-dangerous admin, and then I realised I was OK. The weekend brain-fog is more pervasive, because I sit about, thinking my what-if thoughts. I ate something, I took some painkillers, and, by about 2pm, I was reasonably OK, until the woman with the clip-board came to find me, and tell me she'd expected me to be somewhere else.

I don't want to have to do that often, but work were BRILLIANT about giving me down-time, and distance.

[malalatete]

Sounds like you handled that just brilliantly. Well done, Gaia. It us great that work gave you the opportunity to withdraw a wee while rather than freaking out about it, as some employers might have done.

[Gaia_rising in reply to malalatete]

They're really good, my teams, and they all acted really sensibly, it was just the 'other' people who insisted on checking on me that made me extra-bitey. I don't want to send my Risk Assessment to 'all staff', because I'll get the 'should you really be here?' and 'are you SURE you are OK?' nonsense...

Just me, resilient, determined, focused, rat-bag me. x

[malalatete in reply to Gaia_rising]

Well as I said to Angelite earlier, given the option of carrying on in bloody-minded fashion or waking up in 'woe is me' mode I will take the former any day, even if it does mean the occasional meltdowns come as a bit of a surprise.... so I am with you on the resilient ratbag campaign x7

[Gaia_rising in reply to malalatete]

Yes, I'll keep on going, because it's in my nature. I've been depressed before, and I absolutely can't do that again. Doctor suggested Fluoxetine at last visit, but I'm not depressed, I just have additional anxieties on top of the previous PTSD malfunctioning. I'll be OK, sometimes I'm not OK, but now I know I can say "I'm not OK", and my teams will support me. I'll keep on rat-bagging. x

[angelite]

Rest, recoup, start again. x

[razyheath43]

hugs and respect for carrying on as best you could and not going home,now enjoy youre weekend xxx

[malalatete]

Hope things are on the up again, Gaià x

[Gaia_rising in reply to malalatete]

BI-wise, I'm not doing too badly, it's the 'other' stuff compounding it, and I'm having to sternly veer myself away from the anxiety. (Context, I've had a cold/virus thing bubbling away under the radar for most of the last 8 weeks, and had been staving it off with kitchen remedies, I'm letting it have the run of me this week, to get it out of my system, AND it's the dreaded week-four-of-four, so I'm viral, snotty, AND uncomfortable.)

Emotionally I wasn't good at all yesterday, at one point I was going to tell him I wanted a divorce, over a pair of jeans, my body had just too much going on, and my mind decided to tantrum. It's half-term this week, so, unless there are any major emergencies, I only have a couple of things I need to do, and I can potter through them at my own pace.

Week off, plenty of rest, plenty of good wholesome food, and plenty of giggles and nonsense with my son, I reckon that's a plan?

[MXman]

Sounds like you had an obstacle in your path moment Gaia but got through it with flying colours. Well done for pausing and re grouping. N XX

[Gaia_rising in reply to MXman]

It's what I do, MX, I think my days of "Can't go over it, can't go under it, not going round it, better go THROUGH it!" might be behind me, but, tenacious ratbag that I am, I'm not going to sit and look at 'it', then throw my hands in the air, and go back to bed.

Still going 'through' stuff, just in a slightly more reserved fashion, most of the time.

[malalatete]

Hope it works for you. I have found my 'disentanglement plan' has led to a huge improvement in health, but that is normal for ME....do bugger all and you are right as rain, do anything at all and you are buggered.....

But rest is a great restorative, no doubt about it, so I hope you come out of the week feeling much improved too. X

[Gaia_rising in reply to malalatete]

I will, no doubt, Malalatete, reconditioned brain wants to do EVERYTHING early in the morning, because that's when I'm most productive, I'm just reining it in a little bit, I'll do what *I* want to do, at my pace, this week. Whilst coughing up things that would give aliens nightmares. x

[MXman]

Ha ha I'm the same in the mornings really need to do all my office stuff then but it works the other way round for me. On site all day then back in the office in the early evening and sometimes brain fatigue sets in well most of the time. I generally get obstacles and obstructions in my path and now have to carefully think my way through or over them instead of just facing them head on and wait for the consequences to turn out right. Cant do that now. Have a fantastic evening. X N

[Gaia_rising in reply to MXman]

Adapting, isn't it? I'm assuming you're in construction/fabrication of some sort, forgive me if I'm wrong. That problem-solving brain of yours will serve you well, even when it's tired, because you won't look at a situation and 'chalk F on it', you'll look for a solution.

I'm first aid/medical/complex case work with adolescents, and teenagers don't always work in straight lines, so my brain has to be crafty to work with, and around them, especially when they're in crisis.

Our 'before' brains are a thing of the past, but, the skills we've developed over *ahem* the years are still there. I'll get there, it might take me a bit longer, and I can't carry as much as I used to be able to, but I'll get there. Wherever 'there' is.

[MXman]

Ha ha love that wherever "there" is...

Tried last night to write some text for my website and struggled but done it this morning in 10 minutes... Just shows how different the brain works in the morning.

Your absolutely right I do work in construction large 2 storey extensions and refreshments and I'm always looking for solutions to stuff, its part of my DNA but I have had to adapt to my situation. Im getting there too...

[Gaia_rising in reply to MXman]

Your logistical-analytical, and my thinking-around-unpredictable-adolescents will serve us well, we just have to remember that our now-brains can't go *through* everything...