Things playing on my mind.

[trelfy1]

Hi all - as I mentioned in my last post I've been struggling lately and 1 of the things playing on my mind is the fact my parents didn't come the hospital at all when I was ill, my wife just dealt with everything herself and it's causing tension between us. I lost my dad recently so I don't want to put anymore pressure/upset on my mum but I just need to know why they didn't come visit!

[Hidden]

Hi Trelfy

No wonder you are struggling with needing to know why your parents didn't visit. The problem is there could be a whole host of answers, and as you feel unable to discuss it with your mum due to the recent bereavement, all you can do is try and think of the most likely answer.

Which I would suspect is ,they were scared and just could not face the heart ache of seeing you in such a bad way. That doesn't help your poor wife who had no support, but maybe it will help you both now if you can see it was not done out of malice.

Families are complicated, and it is hard to understand what is behind their actions sometimes. But I do understand you needing answers - there are a few things about my time in hospital that I would love to get answers about, but I know I may never find out.

Take care

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

We can't KNOW unless people TELL US, we can't guess. Why not delicately try to talk about it?

Trouble is I keep asking questions but people refuse to be honest and open with me, and sometimes they seem to find it 'fun' to lie to me. Ha ha? Nope. If I didn't need to know the answer I'd save my energy and not ask or try to find out.

How can you know the truth when people lie so much?

And all the fake looks of concern, YUK, makes me feel sick.

Why can't people just behave normally? Ahh, bet that's what they say/ask about ME.

But I do my best, not my fault my best isn't good enough. Makes me feel stupid and useless though = and they KNOW that. Oh that's funny too apparently.

Can be zillions of reasons people do things, they might know or think they do. But as in Hiden Persuaders: we're ALL manipulated ALL the time. 'Freewill" ? Nope. Not ever? Or not often? What does often mean?

They made a 'choice' to behave like that or lie? Why? Given info that created bias? By whom, when, how and for what purpose?

Can't ever know ANYTHING really. Ooops, spinning off into the universe. Ground-me now!

Blah blah blah.

[cat3]

Could it be your parents were worrying, at that time, about your dad's heath and overwhelmed by yet more potentially catastrophic family issues ? . . . . . . . . . . . . please forgive me if my timing is wrong on this.

But I remember when I was dreadfully poorly with a gall-bladder infection and hospitalised, yet again and my daughter phoned to say she couldn't face visiting as she was 'All hospitaled out' and emotionally drained.

It was less than 6 months earlier that, despite work & family commitments, she & my son had visited every day for over 2 months when I was hospitalised with the brain haemorrhage. And prior to that we'd all had the emotional upheaval of my breast cancer.

I fully understand how my daughter had reached tipping point, almost to the level of illness herself.

Please Trelfy, concentrate on your immediate needs (as discussed in your last post) by getting all the professional help you can. Issues from the past can be dealt with much more reasonably and rationally when you are emotionally more stable and your mum has had time to grieve for the loss of your dad.

Please get the help you deserve and try to avoid dwelling on anything which is likely to wind you up and will only work against your recovery.

Best wishes Cat x

[Sem2011]

HI Trelfy

I agree with Hedgehog sentiments. I can truly understand how you feel regarding your parents not visiting you in hospital. My parents reacted in the same way.

I am truly sorry you are experiencing this issue. It must be very difficult to deal with not only BI, but family tension, not resolve or understand

My father has a terminal illness (diagnosed pre BI) and still alive today'. after struggling to understand why They reacted in this way I spoke to my neuropsychologist. her explanation for my circumstances is because it is not me, but the fact they cannot deal with the emotions/outcome of injury, and supporting and seeing they would not be able to face, physical and emotional support only brings reality. It has brought tension to my relationship with my partner, I think he is suffering from coping and staying strong for too long. Only people living with BI or have a BI can understand how complex BI is, and perhaps this is why to this day 3 1/2 years they never ask, or think I am better, or chose to not to ask because it is not facing reality. I have tried in the past to talk, but it is a subject they they engage in, and like you I do not wish to pressurise due to my father's illness. My partner refuses to visit my parents now, and this has pushed us right to the end . If it wasn't for me neuropsychologist she saved us both with advice and support. I am not sure if you are receiving support from neuropsychologist but it helped calm tensions at home.

Hope this helps a little. Take care

[sporan]

Hi Trelfy,

I think that the other replies have just about covered it all.

Everybody deals with stressfull situations differently, so it's not necessarily that they don't care but maybe they care too much.

As your Dad was obviously very ill your Mum was obviously being torn in oposite directions, as you say your wife was there for you throughout and dealt with it and your may have Mum felt she had to be with your Dad and that between them both thought that either it brought things too close to home for them or that you, knowing the full story about your Dad, may have put unneccessary pressure on you.

Which ever and what ever the reasons it is now in the past so try and put that behind you, an immensly difficult thing to do I know (from personal experience unfortunately) but if you can do that and look forward instead then, hopefully, in time your relationship with your Mum will improve and whilst the hurt you have and do feel may always be there it will hopefully ease enough for you to enjoy your Mums company.

Hope this doesn't cause you further upset but in some little way help.

Take care and best wishes

Sporan