4 year old won’t use the toilet (holds poo and wee or sometimes has accidents) and is getting more and more anxious and angry about it

[Norbs76]

My 4 year old daughter refuses to potty/toilet train. She did eventually start going to the toilet at nursery but would then hold it at home and everywhere else. During the summer she’s got worse as the nursery is closed. She refuses to use the toilet or potty and screams, cries and struggles to the point where she seems like she’s going to be sick when we try to put her on them. Her whole personality is being affected. She’s getting more angry and upset in all situations and it’s getting our whole family down. She has a nappy at night and as soon as we put it on she fills it and is then a happy little girl again. The health visitor has referred us to the doctor to check there’s no underlying medical issues, as they’ve said we’ve tried all methods they would advise. The doctors haven’t been much help and we are waiting for them to speak to a paediatrician for advice. Has anyone else experienced this? It’s more her personality side. I just don’t want her to be unhappy at such a young age.

[ERIC-Charity Partner]

Hi Norbs76. Thanks for reaching out. I imagine you are feeling very tired and stressed right now. The problems you describe are typically experienced by children who are withholding their poos (ie. using their bum muscles to keep it in) because they only feel comfortable pooing in a nappy. It is a very common fear and it cannot be solved by simply taking the nappy away - taking the nappy away will only make it worse! We have a really good plan for how to gradually change nappy behaviour in our guide, Children who will only poo in a nappy and other toilet avoiders: eric.org.uk/Handlers/Downlo...

I would really recommend also reading: eric.org.uk/withholding.

Don't forget you can always call or email our Helpline for further help and support! eric.org.uk/Pages/Category/...

@ ERIC

[14crosstitch14]

Try putting knickers on a bear/doll making it a game to play, as if she was at nursery. My girls play teachers. Get a toilet routine in place like she was at nursery. Play a game. Plus fruits and prunes/figs will help with constipation. Put the doll in a bed with clean knickers on. See if that'll help make it a game.