Partner of Alcohol dependant husband

[Flo19]

Does any one on here have tips on how to cope with an alcoholic dependant partner. His drinking has made me anxious every time he leaves the house. I worry about him all the time. People tell me to look after myself. But I’m not sure how to do that. Do I just leave him to drink himself to death.

[Poppeye]

Alcohol dependency is an illness. Try not to blame your partner and certainly don't blame yourself. This is easier said than done when it looks as though your partner is making a bad choice which you are having to pay the price for.

However angry and disappointed you might be, showing it will only lead to conflict which will make things worse. View his alcohol use as an affliction that he has to suffer and, however hard it might be, have some sympathy for him. He is drinking because he is unhappy.

You are probably too close to him to help him at the moment. Any intervention that you try to make will probably lead to conflict. You might be able to enlist the help of a mutual trusted friend who can nudge him in the right direction without you having to do so yourself.

After 6 years of trying, I am finally getting my wife to address her problem drinking. I have been able to recruit a group of friends, as well as her GP, who are supporting her so that the message to stop is not just coming from me. But, at the beginning, I hadn't a clue what was going on nor what, if anything, I could do about it.

But your question "how do I look after myself?" I can't answer, I am still trying to answer that one for myself. Perhaps get a dog...I wouldn't be without mine...🐶 Good luck!

[Flo19 in reply to Poppeye]

lol. I already have a dog. He is my shadow and walking him is the only thing that keeps me sane. He is getting support but no friends or family know about his problem and he swears me to secrecy and says he’ll never forgive me if I tell his family and at times I feel so alone.

[Poppeye in reply to Flo19]

I am glad that you have a dog...they are the best...I wouldn't be without mine.

The fact that your partner has sworn you to secrecy is both good and bad news.

Getting the bad news out of the way first, it is "controlling behaviour" and it could become worse over time. Make sure that you are safe and get help if you ever feel threatened.

The good news is that he knows that his drinking is wrong and is ashamed of it. I don't know how he gets from that knowledge to doing something about it, but perhaps someone reading your post, and who has been a problem drinker themselves, has some ideas?

Change often comes as a result of a drink-related incident. I sometimes wished that my wife would have a minor car accident and get a year's ban to make her see sense. Sadly though, it took a heart-attack and subsequent heart-failure to bring about change. Even then, she carried on drinking heavily. It was not until I brought up her alcohol consumption during an appointment with her heart-failure nurse that she started to accept that she had a problem. At first, she was very resentful of me bringing up the problem, but it was a step in the right direction. I also had a private word with her GP and asked if she would provide some support. They were small steps at first but we are now making some progress.

You might have to incur his displeasure by talking about it with someone else in the family. If you do so, make sure that you are safe. He knows that he needs to change, otherwise you wouldn't be sworn to secrecy, perhaps he is more ready to change than you realise. Good luck!

[Jampacked]

Try Al-anon. You need to find a community of people in the same situation. Your husband should not object as its confidential. Your husband has support, he may be surprised you need it too. In some ways being open is an important part of recovery. I gave my main reason for giving up as tachycardia. It's true I did have it and it is affected by alcohol. I said I carried on not drinking because it suited me. That way family and friends didn't offer me alcohol and I didn't have to discuss the issue in any detail. Working towards openess is better as it's a heavy burden for you ( and your dog) to carry alone xx

[Poppeye in reply to Jampacked]

You make an important point...I have suggested to my wife that she tells friends that she is not drinking because the doctor told her not to as it is bad for her heart. It is a way of avoiding the stigma of admitting "I am an alcoholic".