Stressed Out

[Kirkconnell]

Hey yall. Just looking to vent. During my dialysis treatments I've been having severe panic attacks. After discussion with all the docs, we've decided to start using Ativan during treatments.

Unfortunately I don't know why I panic. Shit, if I did I would make myself not, ya know? lol It just starts happening. Treatment itself is great. My fistula works wonderfully. All my stats are where they need to be. I just, idk...freak out.

When I try to psychoanalyze my situation, I feel that the lack of control that I have in the situation is to blame for the attacks. I have ESRD as well as Type 1 Diabetes. Fighting to live EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND. of every day is just exhausting. I wish I could openly discuss my feelings with a doctor without them deeming me a hazard to myself. I do think that death would be a respite to this life, especially since I'll be in Heaven, but just because I feel that Heaven is better than here, doesn't mean I'm going to end my life.

Any way, I don't know if I'm even using this platform correctly, but being able to talk about my feelings with this life, just having it off my chest, makes me feel better-ish.

[cs65]

Dear Kirkconnell, Please try to remember that you are taking control of your ESRD by continuing to go to your dialysis treatments. That makes a huge difference in the health of your body in periodically ridding your body of the toxins that build up in your bloodstream since your kidneys are not working as they should. Look at how you said yourself that your treatments are working well. It seems you need to work on your ability to handle stress - part of that is expressing your feelings safely like you can do here. Your social worker or a patient support group might be another step to take. I know it's hard to find a person to person support group now in this time of COVID, but I know of one that meets online via Zoom. Just go to RSNhope. org and you can sign up online. They meet twice a month and would be glad to have you participate. Going to dialysis can be very hard to handle, but your staff there can really help you out if you let them. And I always found taking deep breaths and letting them out slowly, like in yoga, can help to calm you down. Remember you are not alone here! Take care!

[burbo9]

Please know that you are not alone, myself and others at dyalysis go through similar issues and even worse. Don't give up on yourself.

[Anastatia]

Just saw your post and I know it was some months ago. Wondered how you are feeling now. I was on dialysis for three years and know the difficulties you are facing. I live in London so when there we had TVs and I watched that to pass the time. I did feel huge despair at times. But would focus on when it would be over and when I would finally reach home. Home never felt so good to me despite the fact I live on my own. I suffered from very low BP and often nearly passed out but learned to manage that too by taking my own BP. I had a transplant after three years. Is that a possibility for you eventually? Hope you are doing ok. Berni xx