I've never posted something like this before, but this is my community and I'm just feeling the need for moral support at a difficult time.
I won't go into details, but I'm going through a very difficult time with my daughter, who is making a decision that I can only see leading to suffering and hardship, for her, and for her two small children who I love more than the moon and stars.
I'm more than sure many of you have gone through these times, as a parent, you can see the risks and difficulties that your children are bringing on themselves, yet it's entirely out of your hands.
I'm trying to keep my head above water, I know the stress is the worst thing for my PD. I'm struggling with it. I have support from friends and my husband (who is as worried as I am). I know I need to accept that it is not my decision to make, that it's her life and that I need to let it go.
On a positive note, I recently posted about the pain in my leg. Not sciatica, responsive (somewhat) to C/L so probably dystonic. My gym just re-opened recently with quite acceptable COVID precautions, so I'm back at the gym. After two weeks working hard at the elliptical (50 minutes, 30-35 at 80-85% max heart rate) , the leg pain is much diminished. For that, I am grateful.
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rebtar
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Hi. I don't have kids so I can't really say too much but but you didn't really say if you've talked to her about it. Sounds like you may want to take her to lunch or ? and try to talk to her calmly and tell her your views and why you see that she needs to think through things more thoroughly. I know it's easier said than done but you are her parent and maybe she really doesn't know how her decision may in some way hurt a lot of her family and/or friends. You may want to ask her the reasons why she thinks the decision is good for her and everyone.
You're a fighter, you have fought PD and you fought the pain in your leg so you can fight your daughter's decision. Keep exercising and good luck on reasoning with your daughter! 🙏🏼🙋🏻♀️
Thank you. She's not easy to talk to. She listens to those who agree with her. I have tried talking and she gets defensive and doesn't hear what I'm saying. I'm planning on trying again when I calm down, but for the moment calming down is the only thing I can focus on. Can't let myself fall into a hole -- been there, don't want that again ever.
Take some deep breaths. Don't go there again, I was there a year ago for a different reason and it got my PD so messed up I was in bed for 6 months. Have you tried talking to a counselor? It helped me.
So sorry to hear that Rebtar. From what I understand about children, especially adult children, it’s very difficult to get them to listen to you. It seems like that is a specially so when they’re contemplating a truly bad decision. I hope this is nothing that will endanger the grand children or your daughter. That’s some thing to keep in to consideration to and that might give you a little bit of an edge or some kind of bargaining chip. You could also suggest going to counseling with her, but I know such a proposition is dicey. But you have tried to talk to her, she apparently won’t listen, so you may have to let it go for a while. Keep in touch with her, express your loving feelings, and maybe she’ll change her decision or come back to you in some way. I hope that you’ll be able to keep in touch with her and especially with the grandchildren, because they may need you. Anyway good luck and let us know how it goes.
That’s great news about the gym! And good news about your leg too. I’ve had sciatica and it’s so awful. The exercise is such a healthy thing to do, and it will help your stress with your daughter. Also thinking of signing up for some soothing classes if they have any like yoga or meditation. Take care!
Perhaps try writing a short letter to her and listing reasons why you think it’s a bad idea. She may fume, screw it up and get cross but maybe she will calm down and reread it and think it through later. Once it is all documented with what you think and why then let it go. You’ve said it all then at least but then you just need to support her as she may need to come for help if it all goes to pieces and if you’ve had a big fight about it she may find it hard to ask for help later and admit she was wrong.
Remember you may not know all the facts. There may be reasons for her actions that justify them a little.
We have three adult children who are very different people. Now that they are in their 30's and early 40s, they have each found stability and some real happiness in their relationships and careers. The journey to this place was not easy. On three occasions, we have come to some impasse with each of them that could not be resolved in conversation...my husband is a psychologist so not about our skills in that regard. In each case, we wrote a letter expressing both our concern and our love and stating our worries as such....our worries that have emerged both from our own experience and from our knowledge of their growth and development as their parents. We made a simple request...help us understand if we are, in fact, mistaken. This request changed the next conversation drastically and in each case we were able to deepen understanding of the situation by all This intervention did not always change their choices right away, but made them more thoughtful and more cautious. In a few instances, time alone showed that they had misjudged and they came back to us to figure out how to avoid further difficulties. You may need to write that letter over and over to get the tone right but it is worth the effort. Good luck,
Bless you and your heart. As a parent myself I can fully recognize your inner pain for your daughter. And your knowledge that you can't do anything about it.
We have 2 adult children who for years haven't had any type of relationship other then " icy" when they happen to both be with us. My husband is the PWP, so I carry this pain in my heart so as not to cause him the stress that you, the PWP DO carry.
One of my solutions to getting out of myself and letting the " hope and yearn " of my heart, is to walk, Journaling, and having faith and trust in the Lord the only He can mend.
Do please take care of yourself. Do a lot of stretches when you begin to feel the stress.. . Listen to music, a meditation, anything to let your heart and spirit calm down.
Keep us updated on your daughter and my heart goes out to you, mother to mother.
Hi, thank you for your post. I have been dealing with some family dynamics that have been extremely stressful. I have read the responses with great interest. I was looking for answers for my family issues. One thing that I have decided to do after reading everything is to journal in the form of letters my perspective. I may decide to send them or I may decide to burn them. This all seems cathartic to me. We’ll see? Good luck with your issue.
As to your daughter...don't be too passive. I've always let my children make their own decisions but looking backwards I wish I had moved heaven and earth to put One of them on the right path. Don't make it easy by funding bad decisions. The sooner they fail the better. But don't let those babies be put in danger. How do they feel about thus change. Call your pastor, CPS, her fav teacher or family or friend or whoever can help. A strong father figure is helpful. Offer her a better path. What sacrifice can you make in your life to help her. Maybe she should be helping you. Sometimes they don't realize how much you need them. Sometimes you have to shock them into seeing clearly. Its called a "Creative Crisis"
My daughter has issues that are ongoing. Ive realised i cant fix her. I can be supportive, helpful, loving, a listening ear and available to babysit etc. But i cant fix her.
I made a decision a few weeks ago to stop taking on board all her dramas. It was so stressful i knew it wasnt helping me.
Its not easy but im trying to no longer react.
We can see the car crash that may result but are powerless to stop it.
You have gotten a lot of good advice here. I am both a daughter and a mother to a daughter. Often the mother is the least effective at persuading the daughter. My mom and I were barely speaking for 6 months because I wasn’t interested in listening to what she learned about Parkinson’s when I was first diagnosed (like...take care not to eat protein too close to taking meds; exercise more; can I buy you an exercise bike, etc...all good advice; I wasn’t ready to hear it. I got mad and I hurt her feelings).
You didn’t give much detail about the situation. Depending on the scenario, my suggestions to support you (and her) are different.
I love the advice about expressing to her that you love her, that you’re scared for her because you don’t understand her decisions, and that you would like to understand so that you can fully support. You deserve to understand your daughter and she (at her core) wants your support. A letter can be very effective and powerful for families (like my own) that are either reserved or quickly reactionary. My mother and I love each other deeply but rarely say so. So a card in the mail, the few times I have received them, does wonders.
Then — you have a responsibility to really try to understand and respect that you may be missing details. I can envision that a move or a job change, quitting college, even a divorce, could fall into this category. Non-life threatening. Political differences. Way of life differences. Hopefully, if you deepen your understanding— and then seek support from communities outside your typical — you can come to appreciate that this will be fine.
I love the other advice that you need to fight for her if this is truly life threatening for her and your grandchildren. Marrying some dirt bag or worse falls into this bucket. Then, you need to be tricky. You can’t change her mind, but you are right to worry. She will never accept this message from you. If she needs to feel loved, then you asking for help and being vulnerable could be just right. Continuing to strive for the first-line advice above (love and understanding) will still be beneficial and help maintain a good relationship so that you can support your grandchildren, too. I agree that you should not finance anything for her but still shower the grandchildren with love, gifts, opportunity. Often, these volatile situations fizzle out — the strong, constant message that you do not approve but you are always on her side can serve as a light to her when she is alone in the dark.
Yes, stress is bad for our condition. If only grown children could be hugged the way our little ones can. Maybe you can work towards small goals with your daughter — it will minimize your stress if you can focus on small things that you can do.
I am really wishing you well. This is the worst kind of stuff. Walks in the fresh air, laughs from watching a funny show or getting together with friends, enjoying a beautiful sunset — we’re alive!
Much thanks to all. The decision my daughter is making, is a difficult one and it's hers alone to make. Our relationship has been close, and also very difficult. My stress is part of my own being unable to let go, and I need to accept the things I cannot change and hope that her decision is the right one for her. I'm trying to take care of myself as best I can...
Losses are the most painful things to be faced in life, there is no way to heal from this if not to have the strength to love one's neighbor despite the great pain and disagreement. This measures a person's greatness and will save him. I am sure you are a great person and mom will continue to love, and love her despite everything, this alone will make a difference no matter what happens.
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