I have a daughter who has deep problems. I’m sure I’m not the only one here who has serious issues with their adult children. Mine is a huge source of stress, and I can’t seem to untangle from her.
She has severe ADHD, an abusive boyfriend, three small children, two of which are his. Periodic crises which I get drawn into, she’s 28. I’ve always been the one to help her “solve” her problems. Her “roc”k” . I unintentionally protected her from learning from her mistakes.
this is probably one of the main causes of my PD, and certainly causes me great pain and stress.
I know I need to disengage, still love her and my grandchildren, but disentangle and focus on myself. Otherwise, I will rapidly become a burden on my husband and cause him to become ill as well.
Saying this, baring my soul, it seems clear. But those of you who have been through similar, words of advice? Support? Breaking my heart.
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rebtar
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I strongly advise you to seek out a Social worker to help you steer your daughter to learn how to help herself. Also a PD Support Group is very helpful You meet others who often have similar experiences and the sharing of information about what worked and what didn't work is very helpful. You will also learn you are not alone and that is also very stress relieving
An in-person Support Group is what I am referring to. Go to Parkinson.org and search for Support Groups in your area. I am sorry you have Covid but while you are recovering, search for a group. You can also get loads of free information about PD and coping with different aspects of the condition
Maybe you can get your daughter to go with you to some PD support meetings. It might give her some perspective. I mean this in a nice way. Good luck and may God bless you both.
With three little ones, not likely...but my dad had PD and she remembers him even though she was five the last time she saw him.
I'm the one who needs to disentangle, if I can do that, she will follow my example. If I don't, of COURSE she will keep coming to me to resolve things...
It's not easy watching our children be unhappy. My daughter was in a toxic relationship for the last 5 years, and was always miserable and crying - so fundamentally different from her true self. My son, ex-wife, and I all talked her through how she was getting nothing from the relationship and would be so much happier if she moved out.
This year was her 30th birthday. My son bought her a parachute sky dive for her birthday present. Her controlling boyfriend told her she couldn't do it. She packed her bags for the weekend to do the jump, jumped, and didn't go back! (She had been building up to this - we had encouraged her to train as a teacher, and she had recently qualified and secured a job)
Within weeks she met up with Dan, her boyfriend from University, who is SOOO lovely, and they've just announced their engagement. You think your stressed - I'm planning a wedding I can't afford
Ultimately children have to learn how to cope themselves. You need to put yourself in a position to be strong, by getting some support. Good counselling can be invaluable (for both you and your daughter. Part of "getting Rachel out" was to persuade her to see a good counsellor that my wife knows. That may be a better bet than a social worker. See if you can get her to try a session, just to find out what it is
And ensure she is getting proper medical support. Ritalin can be a big help with ADHD. Above all - don't blame yourself. Offer support and love , and try to help her find ways to develop her own self-confidence and self-worth. Again - I'm a big fan of good counselling
Thank you dear Pooh. It’s especially hard with the grandchildren in the mix. Actually the summer started with a crisis, a restraining order, and her deciding it was over. Now he’s back because she found herself unable to single parent three little ones. She got desperate,
But I can’t live her life for her and her journey and lessons are uniquely hers.
I will take care of myself first. And stop trying to “fix” things. And love her like crazy.
I too have a challenging child with Asperger’s and ADHD which makes life much harder for him. It is so difficult not to get drawn into feeling his feelings and I am constantly reminded that you are only as happiest as your unhappiest child.I don’t really have any advice. Just sympathy and to say you must look after yourself first. Hopefully she is learning from her experiences and will make better choices in the future. You have given her all the tools, and you are there for her, and other than that there is nothing more you can do.
I feel for you as do the others. I am supporting my youngest son with early onset Parkinson's, who has never connected with the PD community on his own, he would rather be dead. He has inquired of doctor-assisted suicide and having lost my 2nd husband that way and a dear friend, I immediately sought my own counseling and mental health support. You might benefit from learning more about codependency from either reading books by Melody Beattie or seeking out a woman known as the Conscious Codependentlistenforaliving.com/the-co... - getting to know ourselves better gives us a more objective stance when dealing with our loved ones.
Hi, yes our 19 yr old son is a constant source of stress. He sails close to the law, uses substances , vapes and each time he gets a job he ends up just stopping going to it after a few months and goes to bed and won’t get up. He is doing a course of study and has just stopped going for the last few weeks. We only found out as teacher contacted me as classmates were worried about his state of mind. He has ADD symptoms. Can’t focus on anything, but not the hyper side of adhd. Scary for me as hubby’s first symptoms were depression and not wanting to get up.
Son has just come home to live again after a short stint in a flat where he was asked to leave. Stressful for us so hoping it doesn’t send hubby into a tailspin again. He seems to be trying to be considerate and seems to at least appreciate all that is done for him now.
Does your daughter use substances? It seems lots of young adults do these days. They can cause all sorts of problems and I am pretty sure it is my sons main issue.
She doesn’t, although she may need psych meds at some point. She tried all the options for ADHD and she either couldn’t sleep or made her suddenly suicidal.
I am so sorry to hear about your son. I am sure there are many of us here as stress is clearly a factor in PD. I have a friend who’s son is similar ( except he had brain damage at birth), I know that failure to launch is HARD.
I feel for you. I am sorry but I have no wise words of advice, but I just wanted to say that your comment 'I unintentionally protected her from learning from her mistakes' chimes loud with me. Good luck x
I'm glad you feel safe to write here to us. Its not easy but we tend to overmother n stand up for our children n in a way dis-enfrange them.
We have to remember we don't own them its their life n their choices. Its ( in my opinion) the worst thing to do to tell them to leave etc they have to decide you just have to be there. Build her confidence.
You know your mental health will improve n you can then be more help.
If you love someone you have to let them live their way.- i don't mean she stays but makes her choices
Thanks. She doesn’t live with me. But she chooses to stay with her abusive boyfriend because she doesn’t feel capable of caring for three children alone. I don’t blame and understand. Yes, I will support her choices, and for my own health ( me nervous system is very dystegulated from being drawn in), I am letting my husband deal with her for now. I’ve told her she can send me pics of the grandchildren and love messages. But no stress. If she’s unable to do that I will have to block her for a while… ❤️
Watch Kenny Weiss' videos on YouTube. You cannot "fix" your daughter or her problems. The only person you control is you. You are a co-dependent, these videos will help shift your paradigm. The one common factor in people who recovered from neurodegenerative disorders is that they healed their past emotional trauma, which you unknowingly and unintentionally passed on to your daughter. This is your opportunity to create a healthy family dynamic.
We have five children and I must say I never thought adulthood would be harder than when they were younger. It becomes more difficult to set clear boundaries when there are grandchildren; we don't want the little ones to suffer. As many have already said you can not fix your daughter's problems, perhaps your spouse can advocate for you. Explain that stress directly impacts your parkinson's. Likely she won't want to hear it as you are her "rock".
Is it possible to have her go to counseling with you? The counselor can act as your advocate too and help your daughter to acknowledge her abusive relationship and develop a plan to live better. Medication does help with ADHD (a couple of my children have it) however, a psychologist helps them develop better coping skills as well as life skills. This is their work not yours. Until she owns her life, she will bounce from one drama to the next.
In reality, this is very hard on you too because you don't want the children to suffer and you love your daughter. Psychologist's are big on boundaries, (also call it compassionate detachment), showing compassion without judging or trying to fix the problems by asking questions encouraging our children to develop solutions to their problems. Easier said than done, I am a "fixer" too.
My eldest child became rather manipulative while going through a depression. He also used many excuses for his mean behavior, "you know I have ADHD" as well as blaming us for our poor parenting. Geez, we were able to get him into counseling and on meds for depression (already on adhd meds). It does help some. We can come along side our children, pray for them and encourage them to seek resources to help themselves.
Ask your spouse to help in setting clear boundaries with your daughter. Even if simple to tell her because of your PD you are not going to be phyically able to help her out as much. If you are able to babysit set a calendar to give her a break. Decent medical insurance will cover psychology counseling and most have a sliding scale based on income.
I can't vouch for this support/counseling group, perhaps look into it. You owe it to yourself to reduce your stress where you can.
Ah! I think I didn’t write that clearly. The boyfriend is abusive to her. She isn’t abusive to me. As long as I hold the line on my boundaries, she will accept them.
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