How do you solve a problem like Maria’s??

[jaycees]

How do you solve a problem like Maria’?? My friend, Maria, diagnosed out of the blue in her mid forties 10 years ago is now battling problems with freezing and lack of balance. Her freezing can be unpredictable and happens anytime in spite of medication. Stress seems to play a big role as the trigger.

Besides grappling with the fluctuating physical symptoms, she is also struggling mentally. Joe, her husband who doesn’t have a regular job but sometimes works from home, has been looking after Maria, mainly making meals and ferrying her whenever she needs to get out to go to the doctor’s, dentist’s etc. Maria still does the bulk of the housework when she is functional. John looks after Maria well. However, there are a few issues, the biggest being lack of consistency.

It can range from not preparing her meals on time (dinner at 9pm?) to getting to an appointment late. She accepts that there needs to be some flexibility as he might be in the middle of work sometimes but it seems that he does not care much about schedules anyway. Being late with meals occassionally she can put up with. However, being late for appointments is not on and create a lot of unnecessary stress for Maria.

Unfortunately joe didn’t see that as a problem. Instead, he accused Maria of complaining of small things, of small-mindedness and being over sensitive. He has moods and on bad days he flies into a rage quickly if Maria says something he perceived as an attack on him. Maria has learned to be more aware of when she can communicate sensibly with him and when she can’t.

They are poles apart in character and outlook so there are many things they don’t agree on. One wonder how they got together in the first place, opposites attract? Maria often compromise for peace sake to preserve her sanity and avoid aggravating her condition. Joe also argues with the daughters. He has such a big ego a couple of times he even resort to throwing tables and chairs to win an argument, although he never hurts anyone. One daughter invited him to go counselling and he got more upset at the suggestion as he thinks he's not the one with a problem. There was once he got so mad he pushed her out of the house. Maria had to stop him. Soon after the daughter left them anyway.

Money is another source of stress. Maria had to give up work recently due to the progress of her disease. Joe had lost money in business ventures previously but he is too arrogant to just take any job to help with living costs. Instead, he prefers to dream about his next venture and works on ways to achieve it. The day to day money stuff is too boring for him. By the way, they are still paying the mortgage too, in fact the mortgage has gone backwards as it has been used to borrow for the business that failed.

Joe can be a charmer and a good communicator, while Maria is quiet and reserve. She doesn't even know how to handle a confrontation or an argument. She's been taught not to talk back. Everybody thinks Joe is suffering and he’s the hero for doing everything for his wife. Maria isn’t thought of as highly as Joe seems to get all the credits. How did she marry such an arrogant, irresponsible, egoistic brat, she thought to herself?

So Maria is pretty frustrated keeping it all inside her. She only recently started to tell me what's been going on. She couldn't even talk to a therapist as she would have to ask Joe to drive her there! It is not good to be in a situation like this when you are battling a major illness.

I don't know what I can do to help other than lending a sympatetic ear when she's up to talking about it. I hope all the good people on this forum can give Maria some suggestions as to how to deal with her situation.

For instance, is it asking too much to expect joe to be consistent or is it nit-picking?

How can she talk to Joe sensibly without him exploding frequently? When she tried telling him how she feels he would turn the table on her and says he’s the real victim, and being the louder of the two, he would invariably ‘win’ whatever fight they were fighting.

It is a complex relationship. They have been together for decades. Its not a straightforward case of just ‘walk away’ for Maria. She has few friends, with Joe being the dominant person in her life. I honestly have no idea if he will change.

Please help Maria if you can!

Jaycees

[Motherfather]

there are always 2 sides to a story at least he has stuck by her i bet a lot of woman would have left there husband there are good and bad in this world .just remember hes still with her regards.

[Lucal in reply to Motherfather]

In Italy we say" tra moglie e marito non mettere il dito " which is " between wife and man do not put your hand"

[Motherfather in reply to Lucal]

well do you think that woman should have wrote

that message on health unlocked as its all about helping peope with with pd theres a very long message about some one who dont have pd.dont you think you should have directed that message to jaycees.regards.

[Lucal in reply to Motherfather]

That was my intention. I Just pushed the wrong reply Button.....sorry

[GymBag]

I suggest that you help her and forget about her husband and their relation ship. Drive her to her appointments and be someone she can talk to but stay out of their relationship. Difficult huh. Just take that one load off her for now , there is more than you see , true love.

[park_bear in reply to GymBag]

Excellent advice. Seconded.

[jaycees in reply to park_bear]

Thank you to everybody who responded to my post. As I understand, PD might be a physical condition, it can nevertheless be affected by your mental and emotional wellbeing. I know when I'm under stress my medication doesn't work as well as it should be. This is definitely so for Maria. In her case, the stress and anxiety are directly linked to her relationship, which in extreme circumstances could lead to her freezing and being unable to move. it's almost like the body wants to shut itself down as it can't handle the stress. i can relate to that. Has anyone else have that experience?

I volunteer to write in this forum for Maria as she does not have sole access to the computer. I know she is trying to stay positive, eating reasonably well, exercising with a physio once a week, and doing some walks on other days. I like the suggestion of driving her to appointments and be someone she can talk to. I also agree she should take ownership and control of her PD and her life. I guess that's the hard part and she'll have to work out how to do that in her particular situation. Anyway, I will relay these messages to her. Hopefully, her situation will improve.

Thanks again, everyone.

Regards

Jaycees

[park_bear in reply to jaycees]

No question about it stress will aggravate any condition and it certainly does aggravate Parkinson's symptoms.

Your friend is in a tough position in that relationship. Since he refuses counseling her only options are to work with it or divorce. Not easy with young kids. I chose to part ways with an unsuitable partner after my Parkinson's diagnosis, but that choice was much easier since I am self-sufficient and no kids in the house.

[Livin_MY_life]

Rather than listening to talk about what a shit Joe is, I would rather hear about what Maria is doing to help herself to better manage her symptoms and mood. Is she exercising regular? Does she monitor her diet and alcohol intake? Is she open to B1 therapy? Has she considered online therapy in leu of office visits? Support groups? Boxing? The list goes on, the key is to empower! And like my friends have said “there are always two sides to a story” and being a caregiver is hard work. And I have Parkinson’s ! I know i am not always easy. My advice is for Marie to stop projecting onto her spouse and take ownership of the areas of her life she can and work to fix those areas. I know..harsh, but taking ownership and control (without blaming self or others) is key

[ddmagee1 in reply to Livin_MY_life]

Excellent answer and analysis, in my opinion.

[jaycees in reply to Livin_MY_life]

Thank you for taking the time to comment.

[ddmagee1]

Since I am in a similar position, as Maria, except the husband/wife relationship is the other way around, I can relate. We can help Maria first, by you, being her friend, supporting her to help herself adjust more, to the adversity of conflict. Maria needs to put her needs first, yes; however, she needs to help herself. I have freezing gait problems, also, being diagnosed with PD and Ataxia. Sometimes, out of the blue, my balance goes out. I make the meals, many times. If my wife isn't in the mood, to help, or something, then I do it. It may be difficult, but it is better than arguing and nit-picking all the time. I have to use the attitude that I can do most things for myself, and remain independent. It is easier said than done. If your life partner can't help, perhaps a friend or another family member can help at times. It's very hard for me, sometimes, but when there is a lack of consistency, with my wife cooperating and helping, for whatever reason, I just find a way to do it all myself. That way, at least my stress level, of aggravating my wife too much, is alleviated. I don't know if this will solve Maria's problem, but it is how I've solved my problem. Some people just can't adjust to their life partner having a chronic illness, and also, it's hard to change a person's attitude toward some things, when they are set in their way of doing things. That is something to think about.

[jaycees in reply to ddmagee1]

Very insightful and very brave of you to keep march on. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure Maria can learn from it.

[Gioc]

Problems and solutions, that's life. In each one of us there is "The Postulator of Problems" and "The Solver". They are two distinct capabilities of Human Life, posing the problem, and finding the solution. By asking me the problem of helping Mary I would say, as many do here, to convince her with love and compassion to transform "Mary the problem" to "Mary the solver". I have no doubt that she has the capacity. The reasoning is a little laborious out, but real.If it's really a problem for Mary and not for anyone else.

[jaycees in reply to Gioc]

Thank you for your analysis. It helps to clear my mind. I believe it will help Maria too.

[Livin_MY_life in reply to Gioc]

my sentiments exactly!! You are a gentle sole and better/kinder with words ! Prayers that Maria will find her way to her inner strengths.

[dreem]

please remember that the husband has a lot of stress too. I was a care giver and now a PWP. If Maria can do most of the housework than why isnt she fixing her own meals on time.

[jaycees in reply to dreem]

I acknowledge that Joe is also under stress, but he seems to take it out on his wife and kids and that's the part that concerns Maria. As for the cooking, Maria said he is very particular about his food and the way it is prepared so he prefers to do it himself. While she can delay housework if she is not in good shape, delaying meals mean she will starve unnecessarily. Occasionally, when Maria is able (not freezing) she does prepare the meals, but there's no guarantee that Joe will eat it. That's why she left the cooking to him.