This Void

[jupiterjane]

For as long as I can remember I have loved the written word. I Have been a poet my entire life, the words flowing free from my soul. Parkinson's has stole my passion by locking up my words somewhere deep inside my mind. I keep opening doors, peeking around corners, looking under things but I just can't find a way to express myself anymore. Occasionally I can get the words out but it's like pulling teeth and it fills me with anxiety. This poem, I think, explains it all.

THIS VOID

When I close

my eyes

all I see are

blank pages.

Bright,

White,

Glaring back

At me

A fleeting thought

Runs across

The page

As I try to

Write it down

it disappears

Into

the margin.

I try again

this time

a few words,

a completed

thought,

racing across

the crisp

white space.

One word,

one word sticks,

"can't".

It's jumping off

the page,

screaming,

large,

and angry!

"CAN'T"!

Suddenly

Words begin

dropping

onto the page.

"what the hell",

"what"?,

"stop"?

"what

does that mean"?

It is as if

my head had

opened and

every word and

every thought

now came

raining down,

pounding into

little black specks

that angry

word

"CAN'T"!

filling the once

void space

with words,

my words,

my thoughts,

every inch

of the space

now filled

with

all the

if's,

and,

& buts

of my soul.

[Pete-1]

Yes PD seems to take everything away from you bit by bit.

But it is only what we deserve (not!)

[quirkyme in reply to Pete-1]

it's better than Alzheimer's which is one long forgetting and loss. Memories, interests, and people you recognize this month may be elusive or gone the next. With AD people can forget who their spouse is or children are. In my experience PWPD don't do that.

No one deserves either PD or AD, of course. But here we are and we have the opportunity (responsiblity?) to do what we can. To save what we can. "So much is lost but so much remains"

[Hidden]

Nice to see your poetry back again. I wondered where you had gone to.

PD might destroy the bodily things we like to do, walking, socialising hobbies etc .

but it will not daunt my spirit.

can't = I can, and will!

I wish you all the best, keep that poetry flowing.

[Jash]

Well done...keep the faith..

[jillfd]

Yes, you can. It's just harder. PD is a thief and we have to stand our ground and fight the loss.

[marmaduke123]

I don't think you've lost anything. That poem to me is brilliant. I'd say it could well be used in schools etc. you never loose a talent like writing poetry it may change style for a while but the words are still there. Just keep writing and embrace the diversity...

[Hidden]

It's amazing, JupiterJane, how your words describes how I feel about painting. I used to get an image in my head and cant' wait to implement it and fill up the canvas as fast as I could. Now, I CAN"T seem to cross over to where the art materials are and pick up the brush. I have all kinds of excuses. Recently, though, I approached this a llittle differently. I just START. I can always quit if I wanted to. But, just starting is a big hurdle. I accept the Parky me. CAN'T paint like I used to ..but just START... and go on the best way I know how. I figure that even though I don't want to cook, I still have to if I want to nourish my body, so I paint very slowly, so that I can nourish my spirit and soul. Just START, Jupiterjane, even if it's just one word.... this last poem you wrote must be a very satisfying expression. I recently painted the bottom of one huge flower on the top portion of a canvas and just a stem flowing down the rest of the long canvas. I have it hanging up now on the terrace. I don't think I can post a photo of it..........can I?

[SuKas]

Awesome poem Unleash the thoughts....I try and find my refuge in words myself....It is not an easy condition..... try putting the thots out... will help...all the best

[mommajo]

Amazing poem...I felt your frustration and anxiety...you're in my prayers!

[Court]

Please don't give up. This poem was, as usual, thought provoking. I always recognise when it is your work and make sure I read it. I have so enjoyed your work. You are an amazing person and this site would be poorer without you.

[PatV]

yes,very off today, can see your point. Enjoying whatever remains tp the FULLEST!

[Lillee76]

You have a real gift. I have always loved to read poetry, and I would love to

read more of yours. How do I find your work that Court mentioned in his post?

[jupiterjane in reply to Lillee76]

Thanks for your kind words. You can see more of my work, poetry and paintings at a website of Artists I belong to called Deviant Art. Here is the link: wordconvict.deviantart.com/

[etterus]

I also feel that it is like going to a dry well to find words to express my feelings... makes it difficult to use this site at times.

[jaylew1]

hi, i agree, the poem is really good. and i think that most of us have lost the writing ability that we had before Pd and P.S.P,

i used to enjoy writing long hand. but now i cant even sign my name... but thank heavens for the computer . .. where would we be without lt,

regards

Jaylew x

[quirkyme]

Good poem. Keep on writing. Writing is always a struggle, even for those without PD. I heard of a writer's program that gets people with Alzheimer's Disease writing down memories of their life and what was important to them. It was on National Public Radio. Knowing they were going to forget, PwAD get memories down on paper, sometimes with the help of family members. That helper, or the writing itself, is like a 'memory keeper.' The essence of the person's personality and uniqueness remains. And that's reassuring, to know that grandchildren will have something of that person, like a message in the proverbial bottle.

PwPD are worthy of that struggle, as this poem demonstrates.

I think a terrific anthology could be put together which would help other PD patients. I'm a caregiver and a poet and led poetry workshops. I only wish I had the wherewithal to do something like collect poems for an online anthology.

[MyownPOV]

I'm a full time professional screenwriter and TV writer. When I first realized that my shaky fingers were making typing seem like I was a rattling skelton. I didn't freak out but what did do was stick to it. My output was not the quantity that it once was but my quality was probably better - having seen a darker side of life. I can go deeper.

[inkyorion]

love your poetry and feel the pain of your loss but poetry comes from the soul ( as you well know) and you can never lose that Jane..so take heart and keep believing.xx

[SUEJ]

sounds like youre doing better than you are crediting yourself for, i keep getting told I am not as confused as I think, do you think thats part of the PD is we magnify our perception of our confusion? I was diagnosed in March of 2011. I am on three different meds for the PD most recent for pd dementia others for trremors.