Hi my name is Jan & New to this: I am 63 & my... - Care Community

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Hi my name is Jan & New to this


I am 63 & my mother is 93 & has COPD & has recently moved in with me from a care home as she was very unhappy there. I am unsure if I have done the right thing because of her deteriorating illness & am feeling quite inadequate as to how I can manage with her as she can be very demanding & gets very upset with me at times as I try very hard to understand how best to help her. I know this is a progressive horrible illness but not sure what to do for the best way forward to r her me & my partner any advise would be most welcome. Regards Jan x

21 Replies

You need to put you and your partner first. You are one year older than my son, and I am 86. I would say the same thing to him if we were in your situation. Don't bother discussing your mother's behavior. If you can find a different care home, place her there. If not, put her in the one she left. You and your partner deserve to live in peace.

Hidden in reply to jaykay777

Very harsh advice jaykay777 that does not help regards Jan

jaykay777 in reply to Hidden

I am so sorry I have hurt you Jan. Please accept my apologies.

Hidden in reply to jaykay777

No not upset jaykay777 with a mother like mine think I can cope lol but will consider another home if she don't behave!! Regards Jan

Mydexter in reply to Hidden

Very harsh indeed, jaykay , you only have one Mother who still has feelings even if they are very old

Hidden in reply to Mydexter

Mydexter my reply to jaykay was 'tounge in cheek' I love my mother or I wouldn't be caring for her. She is a strong minded woman as am I & we do bang heads now & then but always end our day with me tucking her safely in bed with a goodnight hug & kiss x

Mydexter in reply to Hidden

Hi Jan, my reply was to jaykays harsh post incase you think it was to your reply.to jaykay which I understand was tongue in cheek, I've editied my post now, take care.

I've sent you a P.M

von60 in reply to Hidden

Jan, I am sure Jaykay's advice is not meant to hurt - but pse be careful about putting your mother first....get carers to come in and see to her. I think you have made a big mistake bringing her to live with you, this could now take her out of the system altogether and take you and your partners freedom away for a long time to come...

von60 in reply to jaykay777

Jaykay, how right you are - for the past 13 years I have been caring for my mother, who is now 95, lives in a council bungalow, refuses to go into a caring home. So now because her social worker is worried about me, it is arranged my mother has 5 care visits a day. But she is still inside my head...you are right and I know this, and this is what I would tell anyone is to put themselves first, my husband and I have missed out on 13 years and it is still ongoing....

Mydexter in reply to von60

I think it all depends on the sort of relationship someone has with their Mother or Father, some see caring as a chore, some as I did as a labour of love and a sort of repayment for all they did for me over the years, nothing was to much for them, we were all one big happy family, no one missed out on anything, as long as you have help caring and regular respite so you can have a break from caring, bluebell99 has given great advice involve your GP so they know you are a carer , you can make it work.

Could you have regular respite care, say perhaps I weekend a month just so your partner and you have time for each other? Also investigate Day Care or Lunch Clubs just to get a bit of peace.

Involve Social Services and your GP, they should be made aware of your situation.

You will be no help to her if you are frazzled yourself, so please do not struggle on and hope for the best. Your mum too needs to be told, if she is being demanding and selfish then you will have no choice but not look after her.

Also contact Carers UK and Age UK, as they may be able to help.

Hidden in reply to bluebell99

Thank you Bluebell99 for your sound advise I have appointment with my doctor tomorrow regards Jan

Good Luck Jan. I admire what you are doing for your Mum. I have been there and done that and it is exhausting 24x7. My lovely Mum never grumbled and appreciated all that I did and

that made all the difference. Sadly Mum has died and it was many years ago when the GP and District Nurse and Health Visitors were a great support and help to us back then.

I had two little girls and a husband who often worked away, so it was a challenging time but

in hindsight I would do it all over again. If you have other family living nearby perhaps they

will give you the help that you are sure to need. I hope your GP is sympathetic tomorrow. xx

Hidden in reply to glo42

Your words of kindness are appreciated glo42 I do have family to help out fortunately so will call on them when needed. I will be sure to make doctor aware and take all advice he will surely give thank you. Regards Jan xx

Welcome Jan. We feel inadequate at times. Your love for your mother makes up for any mistakes that you make. You have come to the right site.You will learn a lot and get support from others who are going through the same thing. One day at a time. I remind myself every day of all the things that are better about having my hubby home instead of a care home. It always surprises me how many ways it is better for me too. It is not easy but anything worthwhile never is. Remember that you have a choice and it can be reversed.You will never be sorry that you tried even if it did not work out. get all the help you are entitled to welcome on the journey. Admire you for doing this.

Hidden in reply to Noella21

Thank you novella its so good to know there are so many carers out there, your words of comfort are very much appreciated. I hope all goes well with your husband. My respect to you.

Regards Jan xx

I believe you are doing the right thing Hidden,we only get one mother and we should remember all they have done for us in the past,it could never have been easy in those far off days,and my mother and I often clashed but I loved her dearly,and would do anything to have her here still.

Care homes generally are not pleasant places,they do not have enough time to spend with residents on a one to one basis,and so they lose their ability to communicate and become a shadow of their former selves.

I as a Christian will always hold onto my values ,and as difficult as life can become, at the end of the day I can rest easy in knowing I have always done my best in the hardest of circumstances ,and I will have no regrets.

Mydexter in reply to secrets22

Well said, I totally agree I have no regrets either.

Bella395 in reply to secrets22

This thread is two years old and the fact that the OP is now Hidden may indicate that she has left the forum. Your sentiments about not using a care home for your husband are admirable. Hopefully through all your trials you are able to continue caring and not become ill yourself, in which case there will be no choice in the matter of care.

Ill health in carers is well researched. Trouble is, you are literally trading one life for another. Whether that is morally right is a matter of opinion.

The situation that I am in has totally ruined my retirement years and will do even if he dies before me. I will never be able to leave the anxiety, trauma and sheer hard work behind. I can never get those precious years back and although I carry on, in many ways I resent it. I have no life other than being a carer. Life is too precious to waste.

With reference to your comment about being a Christian, IMHO a loving God does not expect you to be made ill and distressed in His name. To me, He is like a loving parent and any mother or father would be heartbroken to see their child suffer. He wants us to live a loving, caring life but understands that we are only human with all the frailties that come with that.

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