Difficult Mother

[Scrappy1943]

Hi everyone

I posted on here a while ago for some advice with my mum who has become very old, very quickly both physically and mentally.

I don’t live close by now and travel up to the area for work each week and stay at hers one night a week. While I am there I do bed changes, washing, shopping, hoovering, some bills, cook tea and any online purchases etc.

I took the advice given on here about setting some ground rules, as before I moved to a different area, I was running round like a lunatic doing things for her. She is more capable than she lets on but just wants me to do everything for her.

Each week I stay with her, she is becoming more and more insular - all conversation revolves around her diary, hospital appointments and health conditions and she is openly verbally resentful about me not being on the doorstep anymore.

She repeats herself over and over again and gets aggressive if I say to her, ‘I know, you’ve already told me’.

Just recently if I ask her something, she sometimes just sits and stares at me and won’t answer the question even though I repeat it over and over again, then she’s suddenly say ‘I don’t know what you mean’ or ‘why are you so grumpy with me’. A friend seems to think she is playing up to get my attention and that there is nothing wrong with her.

Each week gets more and more difficult with her and it worries me that I am not close by. I work full time with a stressful job, try to manage things at mum’s while living away from the area, run my own smallholding and trying to co-exist with my partner’s mother who is also displaying health issues and resenting me living there.

I constantly think I am doing something wrong as she frequently goes on the attack and says that I have changed and I am grumpy all the time. On my last visit, she was angry about one of her appointments and the end of the conversation was ‘you go back to your new life, I could be dead in the morning anyway’

Doing the jobs round the house in a short space of time and after travelling from 5:45 in the morning and working a full day is draining but it’s the verbal attacks and mind games that affect me most plus the feelings of guilt that I am not around every day.

It’s draining me and I am run down trying to juggle everything - thank you for listening.

[Hidden]

As you are her carer, you can ask for a carer's assessment. Speak to her doctor to arrange this. It sounds as though she may be getting some type of dementia type problem and may not be aware that the way she is behaving is driving you away. You need help with this. Get the assessment done and see what can be arranged for independent help for her - someone could come in weekly for example to change her bed, help with housework. She may well object to a stranger doing this, but you need to insist. She could also be lonely now that you aren't nearby. Having someone come in to help out would give her someone to talk to. This worked with my mother.

There is help out there but you have to ask for it. If you have a breakdown everyone will be worse off, you need to look after your own mental health too.

[bantam12]

I organised carers to go in for my Mum and she also went to a day care centre once a week which despite complaining about she actually enjoyed, eventually for her own safety and my sanity we moved her into a care home where she had company and was well looked after. Time comes when you have to think of the practicalities of Mum living alone and the stress it's causing you as her carer.

[Hidden]

Hi Scrappy1943, I can sense your frustration and it's a really valid thing. What seems to be partially happening here is that the needs of the two people in this situation, i.e. she and you, are at odds. Your mum, regardless of any declining faculties is feeling lonely and neglected, and you are at the end of your tether with her demands and grumpiness.

There probably isn't the perfect answer. We can't drop everything to go and look after someone who's living miles away from us. You have your own busy life and the perfect right to be living it.

But you definitely need to put some measures into place to help her to cope with her life better than she is. You can't really fill the hole in her life, that she craves but that so many lonely people have to endure. And some cope better than others with loneliness, so I wouldn't listen too much to your friend who accuses her of 'playing up'. Perhaps she is, but that's not without a reason.

As exhaustedwife suggests, an assessment of her situation is essential both medically and socially. It might not 'cure' all of your difficulties in coping with her, but it will probably help to calm the situation down and ensure that your mum has measures in place to make sure she's at least safe. And once you know what you are dealing with in terms of a diagnosis, you can put some simple rules in place so that you aren't being run ragged night and day. Unfortunately though the whole situation is a very familiar one to many who care, or have cared for a close relative.

I hope you can find a way to settle things down quickly. With very best wishes.

[Scrappy1943]

Thank you for your comments and suggestions.

It’s reassuring that it’s not me going mad!!

Mum does have a network of friends but won’t leave the house unless it is for an appointment at the hospital. She is fixated on all her appointments and goes over and over them whilst I am there.

She is lovely to everyone who visits her but on her own with me, she’s a different person and very angry.

I have always lived close by until recently and she has been Single for 45 of my 47 years, so doesn’t have a partner. This has made her very needy with me as she has got older and she has always been happy for me to do all the driving, taking her out etc. I have probably made a rod for my own back to a point, but I have always been very caring and thoughtful towards her.

When I separated from my husband 2 years ago, she was just starting with her illnesses and she wasn’t there for me emotionally at all and never visited me in my new house. In essence I felt I had lost my mum even though she is still alive.

It’s upsetting to experience this and I can feel myself getting angry at the way she has become and the way she speaks to me.

It’s a very sad state of affairs but this is clearly getting played out in lots of other homes around the country, so can take some comfort from that.

[Hidden]

Hi Scrappy1943, I don't know if this will be a comfort or not, but please don't be too offended that your mum seems to vent her spleen on you. It's a really common phenomenon for people to turn on their carers. Whoever had the care of my mum at any given time got the rough edge of her tongue, as did we all as we cared for my sister. And the sister we cared for got the same thing from her husband when he had cancer. I think it's fear that you'll actually go away. And a bit like a child who will indulge in naughty behaviour to get more attention. I'm glad you feel a bit comforted all round though.

[Hellebelle]

You have received some excellent and thoughtful advice. Your situation is very familiar to many of us. I also live away from my parents and feel very guilty at times. My parents had a care needs assessment and now have carers visiting every day. We also have respite for my mum as she is dad's main carer and needs a break each week. Before this was put in place, the family did all the caring as my parents refused to have "strangers" in the house. As it turned out, my parents became friendly with them and even looked forward to their visits. There was a lot of resentment aimed at us their children , but we had to firmly explain that we could not do it all with stressful jobs and our own families to cope with, not to mention the stress of having to travel over 100 miles to get there.

Everyone is happier all round. I hope that you manage to work it out as your life is important and precious and you need to care for yourself as well.

[Guillemette]

I am exhausted looking after my mother, even after her entering a care home the demands go on and on. You have my deepest sympathy. My mother has not got dementia but never a word of thanks or appreciation. so depressing.

[ScouseTaffy]

My heart goes out to you Scrappy1943, I feel your anguish and pain. Why do people think we are responsible for other adults. Blood relatives are not necessarily liked but deep down I feel we still love them.

I'm unfortunate enough that my mum had a stroke when visiting me, was discharged to my home and stayed!! That was in 2011. I'm finding it tough.

Mum is like a creaking gate, shes Indestructible. Shes been depressed since 1960, has attempted suicide 19 times, had breast cancer, asthma, arthritis, diabetes and lately memory impaired; this woman tells everyone that shes had enough of this world and does not want to be here. She promised my sister ( who never visits) not to kill herself.

She sleeps all day and gets up around 8pm, as soon as shes up the house is a library. Off with the radio or TV, closes windows and doors. Turns heating on or off. Picks up a crossword book and may say hello. She doesn't eat properly, I did try to tempt her but have given up, anything she likes I buy and next time she says I dont like it anymore. Shes no longer washing and dressing and eats very messily. Shes not demented, shes odd and stubborn, she says this to me.

I've tried to get her out to no avail. I've made sure GP knows how she lives and that she does not want me to check her when shes in her room.

I'm willing to do anything for her but really am at the stage of really disliking her.

Whatever you decide to do please know in my eyes you must look after yourself.

I have a friend in similar situation, they got mum to use the house as equity and used the money for a full time companion/ helper and shes now enjoying regular proper visits. Who says money isn't everything?

I hope things improve x