One Man Show

[magic1309]

I support my elderly mum, she gets carers 4 times a day, I need a break so booked a holiday to recharge my batteries. There's 5 of us and she will have to wait for respite so wouldn't be in place for me going away. I have asked for support too many times to remember, I suffer from depression and anxiety and I feel if I dropped tomorrow they still wouldn't give a monkey's. There is a rift in the family which doesn't help, but I feel like banging all their heads together, so frustrating and annoying.

[Hidden]

Hi magic1309, I just re-read your message of a year ago to refresh my memory and it seems that, sadly, nothing much has changed to improve your life, and, in fact you sound even more fed up. It's tough, really tough, to be a carer, especially when it all falls on your shoulders to deal with and you feel that your own needs are being totally ignored.

It's such a liberty that carers don't officially get much more help. Help they so sorely need. We want to look after our loved ones, but often it's just too much for one person to do, day after day without proper breaks. And it used to be that measures were mostly in place so it was possible to have at least an occasional respite break from it all.

I think you really need to stamp your foot with all concerned with your mum's care and your own. In fact, concentrate on your own as a priority, and go and demand the help you need to get a break, from your GP. If whoever you see doesn't understand your urgent need, then ask the Practice Manager to arrange for someone who can, and will.

Trust me, they will care if you 'drop tomorrow' because who then will be doing the caring? It's a very shortsighted thing to whip your donkey until it falls down, when you have a heavy burden that you need to be carried for you.

If you aren't good at standing up to doctors, is there anyone who could go with you to fight your corner? Not everyone is blessed with the fortitude that's needed sometimes to really make them listen.

Family rifts really are so destructive too, when there's something that has to be done.

I do hope you can find a way to enjoy a holiday, and can find some way out of this awful stress and depression you are having to deal with.

[Gambit62]

can't really add to what callendersgal has said.

You need to take the holiday, and I think you need to make it clear beforehand that you have raised your concerns about your mother's situation in an effort to get some extra support several times but it is now a question of you needing to take a holiday or you won't be in a position to care, meaning that your mother's environment is not a safe one. I know it is hard but you have to tell people that if they don't put some respite measures in place then if anything happens to your mother as a result you will hold them responsible.

Rifts in family are particularly draining - going through the same with my mother though situation is a bit different - there was a safeguarding incident about 2 weeks ago which made me realise that the only real way of mum being safe is for her to be in residential care but my brother won't listen - he's due to see her GP about things this week so hoping that the GP can persuade him that current situation is not tenable. If not then things will get very difficult.

[secrets22]

its a very heavy burden,but out of interest,do you have to pay for the carers coming in 4 times a day,for I get no carers coming in at all,and I have to pay for any help I can muster.?

As far as facing up to the powers that be,sat in their comfortable chairs,dont hold back,say it as it is,and dont be fearful of these people,be it doctors or health workers,for I have reached a stage when I dont care a darn what I say as long as my point comes across loud an clear,we pay these people and its not the other way round.

I used to be very timid and would'nt say boo to a goose,but times change,and in a funny way,when faced with unending challenges we become stronger and will not take no for an answer,be brave.

I too have had years of depression and anxiety but no longer will I be trod on.

[tobby1428]

dear magic1309,you are a HERO ,enduring what you do.sadly I cannot add anything to help you.it makes my blood boil to think that the whole concept of the nhs system has slowly been eroded away leaving it in a pathetic state.what makes it worse is the smug look on the pm and her cronies faces telling everyone that things will get better......yeah right!!!

[Hidden]

Hi Magic, have you had a proper carer's assessment? You need to arrange this so that you can find out exactly what is available to help you. As others have said, you also need to make the others in the family understand that if you crack up, there will be no-one to care for her. Write a letter or e-mail to them, explaining how things are - without blaming anyone - and suggest that they meet with you to arrange a plan for her care. Even if they aren't willing to physically help out, maybe they could contribute something towards the cost of a carer.

[Jacki66]

Hi magic1309. Your situation is very hard and one that a lot of us find ourselves in. It is a thankless and hard task being a carer to somebody and one that is ill-rewarded in society. Unfortunately, because it is not a skilled profession it will never receive the recognition it deserves. Our Ambassador rightly states that society would care if we dropped tomorrow because there would be nobody to fill our shoes and do what we do - for nothing. No pay, no reward and not even a word of thanks for doing it.

Like you, I have huge family problems due to no help offered whatsoever to the point of where nasty letters began arriving by siblings of my husband. Now we have nothing whatsoever to do with them and, I mean, nothing. It has become that way out of necessity because a) we need the peace and b) if they are not interested in partaking of his care and being with us on this journey neither of us quite frankly chose, then they can go to you know where. I have had it with asking, pleading, crying out for help from the lot of them (15 in number; 1 of me).

I also think it utterly disgraceful that getting a break from it all is more difficult and more expensive than planning and taking a trip to fly to the moon!

Not on and a topic very dear to my heart. I think we are completely isolated and ignored by everyone beyond our front doors.