Feeling guilty

[F1951]

My husband had a brain stem stroke 2yrs ago, since then lve spent all my time looking after him, hes unable to walk, paralised down the right side, lve just had my gallbladder out came home two days ago very sore and weak, l put him in respite for 4wks while l recover, and he's going nuts wants to come home, he's making me feel worse as l feel so guilty, it's a nice place, he's cared for, warm and fed, but he's shouting saying he can't stay another day there, is empathy and sense of reasoning is nil,l don't even get any peace when l'm I'll, at my wits end.

[bantam12]

Difficult as it is you must look after yourself and do what's best for you otherwise your recovery won't go well. I hope things settle down for you.

[Hidden]

Hi F1951

I think that we all hate change. We are creatures of habit by choice and this must be magnified many times for your husband when you've been so devoted to caring for him and attending to all of his needs exclusively for so long.

But that doesn't mean you are to do that at times when you have pressing needs of your own.

He's warm, dry, comfortable and well cared for, where he is. He's being unreasonable and needs to know that. You don't have to tell him and create further friction. You just have to sit on your guilt, which is unfounded, and look after yourself for a change, leaving him right where he is.

How would things be if you gave in and had him home right now, before you are fully recovered? You could end up with post-surgical problems that would mean your having to leave home for further treatment again anyway, so try not to give into these thoughts.

Great carers do find it so hard to switch off, but sometimes it's necessary. Maybe he's afraid you've abandoned him, so try some reassurance about coming home again at a specific point he can look forward to, rather than his thinking there's no end date on this.

[Hellebelle]

I am so very sorry about your situation. It is so hard when empathy and insight goes and you are left dealing with an angry and resentful person. This is especially hard when you yourself are ill. However, although it is hard, you really must look after yourself. Your life is precious also and if you don't recover properly the chances are that you will not be able to look after your husband as you would wish when he comes home from respite. My father has become very selfish. He has a degenerative condition that has effected his personality. It almost seems like survival mode as he was placing undue stress on my mum who is over 80. We eventually managed to get mum to consent to having help. My dad was very unhappy to start with but now, my mum gets respite for a day each week and has carers in twice a day to do my dad's personal care. It has made such a difference and my mum is far less stressed. She feels like she has her life back. My dad gets on well with the carers and looks forward to his day out.

I think women in particular are so hard on themselves but you are doing such a hard job and you deserve to have some TLC and respite too.

[kernowdame]

The stress must be horrid. But he is safe where he is and you are where you need to be. Would it be possible to set up a care plan for the pair of you before he comes back home? I suggest you have a chat with your GP and let them know exactly what he is putting you through. Meanwhile focus on getting well. Good luck !

[sassy59]

How awful F1951, guilt is a terrible thing and I do understand.

You care so much for your husband but he is missing you and your home. See if the respite carers can reassure him a little at least.

Perhaps there’s something from home that he would like to have with him. You need support while you recover and no guilt. Please get well and know that your husband is well cared for and safe. Take care xxx 😘

[AliBee1]

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I had exactly the same problem with my husband after I had had my hip replaced although he was actually in hospital at the time, not a nursing home. I know that it makes you feel awful as he was saying I had imprissoned him etc. In the end I was advised not to visit and to let any family or friends who were willing to visit him and for them to tell hime that I was not well enough to come in or to have hime home. It did seem to help and they had some good time with him, whereas when I was there he was just cross. He was not good at night but again I was told that they are trained staff and are used to dealing with it - although I still felt awful. However when he did finally come home I was so exceedingly grateful that we had had that 3 weeks apart because I was absolutely exhausted and encountered all sorts of problems because of what I could and could not do post operatively, although somehow we managed with help from families and freinds. He was unable to sympathise with me not being able to do everything although I realise that that is not his fault. You have to look after yourself or you will not be well enough to be his carer when he does come home. Please remember this. Good luck and big hug. AliBee x

[F1951]

Ah thankyou that's really helped x

[FredaE]

people when they re ill are often very self centred . it is natural but that does not make it acceptable.

They have to be protected from from being the sort of person they would not want to be if they were well enough. Illness makes thoughtless childen of us all.

It is a mistake to be too self sacrificing for practical reasons as well. You need to be as well as possible if you are going to look after them in the way you would wish. Feeling worn out and bad tempered is not going to help them at all. All it will do is load you with totally unjustified guilt and you deserve better than that

If he is well looked after he just has to accept that it is neccessary for him to let you get properly better. If he can't manage to do that you need to learn to take no notice, with a kiss and a cuddle as you would if he were an upset child. YOU are the most important in keeping his life as good as it can be and you can't allow yourself to get too ill to cope .It is so easy to feel that if you do everything you can and more you will somehow propitiate the gods and make him better. Sadly it does not work that way

Take care of yourself and be kind and understanding to yourself and get better properly

FredaE

[F1951]

Thankyou very much, those kind words really helped, he is like a 5yr old having a tantrum, unfortunately it is all about him, very sad .

[Bella395]

You have already had some good advice so I don't have much to add. I am a carer too and on the rare occasions that my OH has gone into respite (only for a few days and nights) he too pesters to come home. Last year he went in for four nights and it coincided with me being ill so it was no rest for me. Even so, after three nights he insisted I come and fetch him. I complied but I was wrong to do so - I should have made him stick it out.

In some situations it is perhaps useful for the disabled person to go into respite care regularly to try to lessen the dependence on their carer. Illness can make people quite selfish unfortunately.

I can't really suggest anything of use except that you must be strong and determined. If you make the subject of coming home off limits he will eventually realize that pressurizing you is having no effect and might eventually settle down.

[secrets22]

I feel very sad for both of you,its hard for him and its very difficult for you,and of course I understand your husband wanting to be home,and i'm guessing he does'nt like to acknowledge that you to have health problems.

In many cases the patient can become quite selfish as I know so well.