When mum moves in...

When money's scarce, or you can’t bear to see them looked after by ‘strangers’, it can seem like the ideal solution to your parent’s care needs. You make space in your home and move them in with you.

There are advantages, of course. You can keep an eye on them and be there should they fall or become ill, make sure they are fed well and kept comfortable in familiar surroundings. And you know they will have company if they can’t get out and about.

But there’s a downside too. The strain on family relationships can become intolerable, especially if you’re all squashed into a small home. You may feel like you never have any time to yourself. It can be difficult to go on holiday, or even go out for the evening.

What’s your experience of having a parent live with you – good, bad, or nightmare? What solutions did you find? Share your stories with others on the website – your advice might be a life-saver for someone who’s really struggling.

Best wishes

SimplyHealth Care Community team

[Hidden]

My mother had HER mother move in when she got old and it completely ruined the last few years of my father's life. What was a sweet old lady when she lived miles away, turned into a complete nightmare when she lived with them. They could never go out, she didn't want to be left but wouldn't go with them. Now MY mother is that age and has refused to move in with any of us because of her experiences and I am glad. As she has got older she has got more difficult. Obsession with her bowel is constant; she hates being left. If she lived with us I think I would have a breakdown. in her nursing home I can visit 3 or 4 times a week, knowing that I can come home afterwards. She is well looked after, well fed and clean and we both have our own lives as we did before.

[EM1234 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for sharing exhaustedwife, moving a parent in isn't for everyone. My grandma moved in with us while suffering from Dementia but eventually it became too much and she moved to a Care home. We wanted to make sure she was getting all the care she needed and unfortunately it can become too much when you aren't a trained professional and you are trying to hold down a job at the same time.

[Debsoxford]

I can understand you wanted to raise this subject as it effects so many people now and certainly will in the future. I work as a paid carer on a self employed basis and for a care company we have clients that we care and do more for than their own family's so I strongly object to the be comment looked after by "strangers" not all paid carers are like the awful uncaring people you see on the news! I've been thanked at funerals because I've supported people so they could stay at home (their wish) and not go into residential care as there families wanted!!

You have also missed the point of CHOICE for the person concerned. Which is all part of caring!!

[Hidden in reply to Debsoxford]

Hi Debsoxford, thank you for your reply and some great points raised. We completely agree this is a subject that is being talked about more and more as people live longer.

The work that carers do is invaluable to our society, and 'strangers' looking after a loved one is something that an at home carer may be worried about, but as you quite rightly point out, the care provided is overwhelmingly positive for those receiving it (the news picks up the negatives as you say).

Choice is also a really important aspect of care. Do you find that the majority of people you care for have their choice of care, is it a collaborative decision or do you ever see the family making a decision without the input of their loved one? We would be interested to hear from the point of view of someone who actually cares for elderly loved ones.

[Debsoxford in reply to Hidden]

Choice. Well yes the people that use care company's either through choice or necessity because there is nobody else or if there is they don't or can't help. When people are deemed to need support because they are considered to be a vulnerable adult they are assessed for their needs, basically that may mean as little as 15 minutes to assist with medication we've all seen the reports on TV? Mostly people get 30 minutes for us to support them in getting up washing/dressing medication and food it's hardly caring in my mind but that's the "system" obviously everyone is different on needs and circumstances family members can be very difficult and very unrealistic on what we can do in the extremely limited time we have and of course they see it as the carers fault not the system and the limited time we have!! Oxfordshire and I believe some other councils have approved personal assistants (carers) these people have had DBS checks and have attended basic training courses e.g. first aid food safety safeguarding

People who want to employ a carer (privately) can find them on the council's web site so this gives them more choice on their care if they have the funds to do so or you can ask for a direct payment system where you are paid the money (there are certain criteria to follow) and you then pay the carer for your care so you have a lot more control and choice, but this way can be quite daunting for some people.

[Hidden in reply to Debsoxford]

It certainly is a minefield and you hear a lot about carers who struggle with the limited time they can spend with each person. Sometimes travel between those needing care is not even factored in!

It's a shame carers such as yourself are blamed by some families rather than the fact that there are too many people to see in a limited time. It is really useful to have the point of view of professional carers on this forum as well as those needing care, their families and their carers as it gives a different perspective so thank you for joining in the conversation Debsoxford.

The idea of employing a carer privately may certainly ensure the person seeking care has more time spent with them... but as you say that is a very daunting task for someone to do!

[jaykay777]

As a temporary measure after my father died suddenly, I brought my mother to live with me, my husband and our 14-year-old son. My husband and I held full-time jobs we didn't want to give up. Our son was at a crossroads in his life; his siblings had ajust left home for independence, college, marriage, and other reasons. Temporarily, my mother, who was bedridden, stayed in the family room where my son was used to watching TV and gathering with his friends. A visiting nurse attended to my mother as a short term measure. My mother was unable to communicate in any way. I found a family-run care home where my mother stayed on a short-term basis. She was later hospitalized and died. I'm sure some people felt I was selfish in not keeping my mother in my home, but I knew I could not do it without feeling resentful. Years later, I cared for my husband at home with some help from hospice. Although it was a 24/7 job, I did it willingly, putting aside all projects and interests of my own. I accept that in both cases, I did what I was able to without threatening my own sanity and health. Now 86, I live in an independent living facility and do not expect or want my children to have me live in their homes.

[Hidden in reply to jaykay777]

That must have been tough with both your mother and husband jaykay777 - thank you for sharing. Are you reluctant to live with your children because of how you felt with your mother, or is it because you are keen to keep your independence and not put that pressure on your children? Or both?

[Hidden]

MyDexter it sounds like you managed to strike a good balance with your mum. As you say it is a very big decision and can impact the whole family, but measures such as a separate lounge and respite care can certainly make things easier on everyone and ensure loved ones can maintain some independence as well as giving the rest of the family space if needed.

It is a very difficult subject and really interesting to hear different views.. as with all stages of life every family does things differently and have to do what works for them as well as what is practical and affordable!

[jaykay777]

Thanks for asking. The difference in their conditions and how they related to me was the reason I cared for my husband willingly and knew I couldn't/wouldn't care for my mother. At 74, my husband still looked like the robust former U.S. sailor I married when he was 73 and I was 79. At 80, my mother had a wasted appearance and often lay in a fetal position. They both had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My husband, who had lost some of his memory, filled in the blanks by describing what I believe were exotic incidents that never took place. I enjoyed filling in the rest of his blanks with true accounts of stories he told me earlier, like, "In San Franciso, you met two men who invested in your new business." On the other hand, my mother was described by a doctor as "She doesn't know you from a chair." Most importantly, my husband continued to tell me and show me how much he loved me. When I was a child in the 1930s, my parents, influenced by child care books of the time, never told me they loved me, and never touched me except to bath me. They did introduce me to the pleasures of nature but were mostly focused on my excellent school performance. That still hurts.

[jaykay777]

Thank you. Yes, I have happy memories of my parents and me at the beach, free of daily cares.