Here but not here...

[sclark1139]

My mom is 84 and has level 6 Dementia/Alzheimer's. I lost my mom several years ago before we even knew she was in the early stages of Dementia. I grieved for many months as though she had passed. Not until just this past week did I finally see a chart outlining the levels of this horrific disease and realized she was showing the symptoms of level 1 many years ago. All my life she and I have had an extremely close relationship but several years ago she seemed to change and become mean, forgetful, uncaring and hard to talk to anymore. After reading the chart, I realized that she was actually at level 1 and I had no idea that all the things she was doing and saying was because of the disease. I was so hurt by her and resented her so much. I thought she just began to hate me and didn't want me around anymore or that I had done something to make her feel so much rage against me. I feel so guilty for how I perceived these behaviors and for being hurt and angry with her for how she acted and for the things she said. I feel as though I lost the last few good years of her life that she was still "here" and I miss her so very much. The last few weeks, I can't seem to find anything I used to like to do that will relieve the stress of being her caregiver and of realizing how she is literally dying right before our eyes and there is nothing we can do to stop it. Some days I pray that God will take her home so she doesn't have to live this way anymore. I hate seeing her this way and I know when she was well that she always said she never wanted to be a burden to her children. We do NOT look at her as a burden at all but I think some days she feels like we do and I know that hurts her soul. I just really miss my mom. I can't even cry about it anymore. I feel as though I'm right on the threshold of losing it every minute of every day. But, I'm afraid if I ever do start crying, then I won't be able to stop. (And yes, I already take medication for anxiety, depression and panic attacks so that's not an option to try anymore.)

[Hidden]

I don't know how you do things in the USA but I would assume that some things are the same. You absolutely MUST get some counselling to help you deal with this. You need this to learn to be strong for yourself, your mum and the rest of the family.

Dementia is the most evil of diseases. it is like a living death but it was not your fault, nothing you could have done would have made any difference and you cannot be blamed for not realising what was happening to her. If anyone was at fault it was her doctors and care givers who are much more knowledgeable about these things than we are. If you have never come across this before, how could you possibly know what was going on in her brain?

All you can do for her now is to make sure she is well looked after, as happy as is possible for her and that any side effects are noted and dealt with.

Please, get yourself some counselling, having a breakdown will help no-one and will make you feel even worse.

Lots and lots of good wishes coming to you.

[jaykay777]

sclark -- It is normal to pray that God will take your mother home so she doesn't have to live this way. I am 86 and -- so far-- in fair health and in full possession of my faculties. If this ever changes, I would wish release from that state.