Hello my name is Ivan and my story starts in summer 2018 when I was on holiday abroad and I noticed my hearing in my right ear was significantly worse than normal. I assumed this was due to a water being stuck in my ear canal (as it happened 3 or 4 times before) and didn't pay much attention to it as always disappeared within a day or two at worse.
Three days later I took a flight back to UK and 10 minutes after we landed I started have this weird buzzing sound in my right ear, which I later discovered to be tinnitus.
I did a little bit or research and this was apparently not unusual after a flight so I was not worried, thinking it will eventually pass (it never did and never will). Few days have passed and I was starting to getting worried as neither my tinnitus or hearing improved as I went to see my GP. The GP had a look into my ear and confirmed that I have water in there and that this can take anything up to 3 months to pass.
Weeks passed, and I was more and more worried (as the tinnitus was getting stronger), trying all sort of youtube techniques to remove the water from my ear to no success. At this point my mental health started to declined as the tinnitus was started to affect my life more and more. I remember once waking up from it as it was unbearable loud. One starts to worry that it can be something more serious, starts to look what else can cause this. Depressions, anxieties kick in and you worry that this is a really serious health issue.
3 months passed, and all that happened after 3 months is that I lost my balance and hit my head on the floor. Big uh oh. I was never so scared, I had all sorts of injuries from sport but nothing major, sure it wasn't hurting much, but I never lost control of my body. At this point I was suspecting some sort of brain damage, concussion, some brain bleeding etc etc. heck I even fell from my bike while I was on holiday but not because of balance, but a mistake under braking. Yes I was wearing a helmet and fell on my side rather than my head, but it always plays on your mind 'what if'.
So I went to see my GP again who referred me to an ENT specialist. As this was happening my life started to look lie work-bed-frozen food work-bed-frozen food, I was losing it slowly. ENT ran some auditory tests and some other test too, but things not made any sense, so he sent me for a MRI of my brain and this is when I lost it completely. I never fully understood how serious mental health is, I knew it wasn't a joke, but this was so bad I couldn't even talk to my friend on the phone. My brain convinced me of all sort of things. I don't think I was thinking of dying as I could not imagine it, but I was afraid of losing my life without dying.
The first thing on my mind was that I am surely going to get paralysed, or at least spend my life in a wheelchair. I know it's not fair to disabled people and the many that have to live with it, but I was losing my mind over the thought of me not being able to walk. See I was to proud, never fully appreciate how lucky I was to walk, run, do mountain trekking etc. until I feared I lose it all. Then all I was thinking about losing my ability of function and just live connected to machines for the rest of my life. The anxiety was so strong in me that I was fully convinced this would happen. Or I would lose my memory or some other serious life damaging brain injuries...that no one would ever accept me again, that I would lose friends, the burden this would bring on my family, never having a relationship again etc. My life was so non-existent that my biggest achievement was to put frozen chips in the oven. That's all I managed to do my whole day. I was regularly shaking on the ground next to my bed sick worried what's wrong with me. I was at such a low point in life there was no escaping this
And then it happened. I was saved by God. I was having another of my panic attacks, shaking badly on the floor crying in despair, when a voice from heaven spoke to me and told me to stand up. I immediately fell peace in my life, but not the peace people can give you, but only the loving God can give. He told me everything was going to be ok and I believed him. He told me to cook and I did for the first time in weeks, he told me to go and enjoy a movie in a cinema and I went. I was living again, I had hope thanks to grace of the Lord.
My mri test came, shortly after results and I was diagnosed with a brain tumour of a size of a medium potato, 4 cm precise. This was a slow growing benign tumour, so it's not dangerous until it's large and starts pressing on your brain, which is exactly why I lost my balance. Then it's just a race against time. It had to be surgically removed soon, otherwise the tumour would push the brain too much it would be fatal.
What did this surgery mean. Well I was immediately told I will lose my hearing, and probably my facial nerve too, but the latter was mostly like to be only temporary so I did not think about it that much. The tumour was called 'Acoustic Neuroma' and it's rare, only 1 in 100 thousand people get one, and I am one of them. Even if you had my symptoms, only 1 in 2000 people with those symptoms have it and then it's very rare for it to be this large.
Within an hour I accepted that I was going to lose my hearing in my right ear, of course it was a total hearing loss that would probably play different. I was thinking this wasn't that bad, and God was with me, assuring me everything will be ok, and I believed him.
Not long after, I was seen by a brain surgeon at James Cook. We discussed what would happen, that they would have to remove the acoustic nerve where the tumour grew and that my hearing and balance on my right side will be gone. I was given 95% chance of having some facial paralysis but they estimated a 70% chance that my facial nerve would recover, depending how the surgery went. I was also told some other risks suck as brain fluid lead, not being able to ever walk, not ever waking up from the surgery (although this was slim). Many people cried when I told them, and who knows have I would react if God wasn't with me.
Then came the surgery. I remember laughing just before it, I was in a good mood, because I knew I was in the safe hands of Jesus Christ.
9.30am they put me on general anaesthesia and 11pm they woke me up. The surgery was very complicated, but in the end they managed to remove the tumour completely. As expected I permanently lost hearing in that ear, and my facial nerve was paralysed. 24 hours after the surgery my face got so bad, I couldn't move a muscle on my whole face and I could only communicate with my hands. This would normally brake me, but God was always with me, assuring me that I would be ok. My muscles came back after few hours, then a day later I had the brain fluid leak, but this whole time I was calm thanks to the grace of the Lord.
Now as I write this, it's 9.5 months after the surgery and I never been happier in my life. My Christian life grew, I was able to return to work, my social life never been better, I met some fantastic friends, cook everyday with a smile on my face, I could go on forever and the best thing it's I did no do anything, not a single thing, it is only because the Lord loved me so much despite living a horrible life full of sin before.
My facial nerve will probable never return, and the right side of my face remains paralysed. I am deaf on my right ear but still have tinnitus 24/7 and at the moment is very loud. But it's ok, because I was reborn in the Holy Spirit.And it is better lose your health than your life and your soul.
I am writing you this story, that no matter how hard things are, whether it's your health, mental health, personal life, Jesus is always with you and that no matter how impossible things seem to be, you only have to look up on the cross and see what he did for us. And the best thing is that it's not how you lived, live or will live, it's his grace that will save us all, it already did 2000 years ago, you only have to believe it.
If any of you are going through something similar in life, if things are really bad, please do not hesitate to contact me, I will be glad to talk to you.
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