Many of you are familiar with my story, as I've posted so often with questions etc,
I have cirrhosis due to 10 plus years of heavy drinking [2 - 3 bottles of wine a night]. I also have the most beautiful son whom is 20 years old now. I have been alcohol free for nearly 2 months [except for a very bad relapse last week]. I also have a severe anxiety disorder and Pulmonary Hypertension.
My son is the light of my life......if it wasn't for him I would not care what happened to me. I never knew that such a love could exist.
I guess I'm reaching out for help to see how others have dealt with the guilt with how their drinking affected their family, particularly their children. As my son was growing up, as well as my alcoholism, I suffered from agrophobia and my ongoing anxiety/depression disorders. He was seeing a psychologist and I know that he brought my situation up with her.
Having said that, we have a very close relationship, but I just can't deal with the guilt with what I made him go through. Please, please help if you can.
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puddy68
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Hi Puddy, I think being a parent automatically brings a level of guilt. We all blame ourselves for everything our children go through and question decisions we’ve made and things we’ve done/said. Even when there is nothing we could have done differently and / or it want our fault.
Be kind to yourself and maybe talk to your GP about getting some counselling for yourself so that you can come to terms with what you have been through. I’m sure your son knows how much you love him and you’ve obviously been doing so much right for him to have a good relationship with you. Big hug.
This isn’t uncommon to feel this way. I can’t comment to much about the anxiety you feel. I don’t suffer from this but I have witnessed what it can do.
I have 3 young kids, 8, 12, 15. My drinking caused issues in my marriage unsurprisingly. When I owned it and looked for help, it was used against me and gave my wife the justification to really go for me on so many levels, this happened when I quit drinking and made the change. Which sent me into free fall and the end of my marriage. It was like my admission put bullets in the gun and told her to fire at will. I won’t go into detail, but the things said and done to me physically nearly pushed me to do what cirrhosis threatened to at diagnosis. That’s how mentally shot I was.
My biggest emotion was guilt! My actions nearly took my kids dad from them, Was a huge contributor to there mum and dad splitting up and breaking the home, probably meant the family home being sold and they would have to move from the lovely area they stay and resulting in moving schools. The guilt alone mentally crippled me. Never mind anything else.
I’m very close to my kids, I was very lucky that due to my shift pattern in the fire service I spent a lot of time with them ( more than the average dad) how could I do this to them?
So……… how do I deal with the guilt, this only worked by having an internal conversation about how I get back to being the dad they were proud off. The way I see it is I have the opportunity to give them first hand experience and provide them a life lesson that very few people will be able too. 1 year on I’m still homeless, but I see my kids at family s home. My health has improved, I have a car again, I’m in full time education until October with the hope of a good career and possibly my own business. By the end of the year should have my own house. Compare that to 1 year ago! Nearly gone, no car licence , no access to my kids, homeless, hopeless and helpless.
When I succeed… I will be able to tell them with evidence through my actions, that it’s never too late to turn it round. All it takes is work! Regardless what life hits them with they have the power in there hands to change there life for the better. That and that alone to be able to provide them that hope when times are hard is worth me going through everything.
I had it all! And lost it all in a couple of months. The stereotypical perfect life. Lost everything, including my health. Imagine if I can come back and be better than before in every way.
I cannot change what Ive done ( never mistreated anyone) just like I cannot control or change other peoples actions. I can control what I do every day going forward and bust my backside to do everything possible to make each day better for my kids.
I was adamant that I would not allow drink to take me and be the cause of embarrassment for my kids. The truth is I’ve realised that I’ve needed the love I have for my kids more than anything to keep pushing to improve not just my health. But everything. My health has only been one part of the struggle.
You cannot change the past, depression and anxiety is massively linked to worrying about the past. The biggest revelation I have learned is acceptance of this. I try not to worry about the future. Just that each day I’m gony give everything to improving my situation which my kids will benefit from.
It’s all linked, you cannot improve anything including the guilt you feel until you deal with your health both mentally and physically. I found in the past I would promise to myself and others what I was going to do. I’ve now found say nothing. You will show your son by action. By taking ownership of your situation and by improving your self.
I’ve realised through time and reflection that the only part I can take full responsibility for was my drinking. I used it to cope with unhappiness that went on for years. My only happiness came from my kids for a long time. Now I can use the love for them to give them everything I have by bettering my self mentally and bettering my situation.
It is a long road Puddy, but being honest with yourself and realising we are all flawed in some way, ours was self destructive. Accept you e made mistakes. If you and your son are close you haven’t had as a negative effect as you think.
Show by action which is little patient steps. Imagine how proud he will be when he sees the comeback you’ve made.
I'm in tears after reading your reply to me. It was so heartfelt and truthful. Everything you say makes so much sense. What you say about showing by action really resonated with me, and trying every day to improve my situation.....hopefully this will make him proud of me. Thank you so much for sharing with me, Dave.....to say I appreciate it is an understatement.
This is amazing, thanks for sharing. Your story is both sad and uplifting, you’re a very strong person who I hope has the best future ever because you’ve been through hell. I feel very fortunate really thinking about my own problems.
Regarding guilt, I feel guilt all the time just for becoming what I was, even though I hid my problem very well away from my wife and kids in the main, but the guilt is for putting drink first before them towards the end and the guilt of them seeing me in hospital yellow and looking like a corpse where they said to me “daddy are you dying” to which I said no and then they said “we don’t want you to die” before they started crying.
I was furious with my wife for bringing them but she wanted to show them what I’d done to myself and just what I would be giving up if I went back to drinking, I’d be giving up on my children which as a proud dad is the absolute worst thing I can imagine me ever doing and the antithesis of who I am.
When they left I closed my bedside hospital curtains and wept my eyes out uncontrollably and swore on their lives I’d never touch a drop again and that’s a vow I then made to them themselves to their face, looking them in the eyes, and I’ve never been more serious in my life.
In fact it’s not guilt anymore with me, it’s shame. We each have our own stories and can’t really tell anyone what to do and how to do it Puddy, but I’ll say this; you love your son and he loves you, forget about guilt and shame, just be there for one another because you will both be needing each other until your dying days.
Make a vow to your son face to face and to yourself in his presence to be the best version of yourself you can be for yourself and your son and to never drink again because it will kill you, sooner rather than later and it won’t be an easy death, it will be horrible for you and for your son.
Forget about your recent relapse, it was just that, a minor blip on your long road ahead, a bump in the road. There will be many more, but you know you cannot ever face such bumps with a bottle of wine ever again, again, without wanting to come over as unsympathetic, the next bottle could be your last and if not, maybe your last chance for your liver to heal enough to compensate enough to keep you away from serious complications where your early death without a transplant will be like a timer, ticking down. Again sorry to sound harsh and cold, but it’s the truth.
Vow to never ever let alcohol do to you what it has done and to your son ever again which is robbing him of his mum and you of the best version of yourself which you can still become, despite your diagnosis. I guarantee if you remain abstinent, eat healthy and get regular exercise and live a clean life you will become the fittest you’ve ever been, the healthiest you’ve ever been and the most mentally strong you’ve ever been, all of that even with a compromised liver and you don’t need a god damned drink to get there that’s the beauty of it.
Alcohol robbed my boys of their dad for 11 days in hospital back in March 23 where I almost missed my oldest’ a birthday, I come home the night before and he said it was the best present he ever had, he was 11 for crying out loud. Alcohol robbed my wife and kids of the best version of me for a few years and made their lives not hell, because I was never an angry drunk or abusive or anything like that, but made their lives emptier as I wasn’t there, if I was physically, not emotionally and certainly not sober.
They absolutely deserve the best me, the best dad I can be, the best husband I can be and I deserve to become the best I can be, I’m not a bad person, I’m a good person and I’d like to think one gets rewarded in life for being a good person and trying to be the best version of themselves. Not materially, not with success, I’ve had all that and it only made me happy superficially, but with happiness and good health, you cannot ever truly have happiness without good health. It’s the most important thing in life. Your health is your wealth.
Remember no-one is perfect, there is no such thing as the perfect parent or even perfect kid, it’s about making the perfect world for ourselves. And what’s great about life is we all get a second chance, we can all start over again.
My prefect world right now is I’m writing this at home, sober, lucid, finally in good health (well, at least the healthiest I’ve been in years and certainly mentally) and in even better spirits (pardon the pun), sat at home where I should be, just me with my wife and kids (and our two cats) around me all happy, together and ready for our holiday tomorrow, the first in 2 years because last year I was recovering and it will be our first together me being sober.
Our last holiday together I can’t remember much of it, we stayed around the resort I know that because I was often far too drunk on the cheap, nasty all inclusive booze and I remember every morning and night I couldn’t wait for it to be over so I could get back home to my ‘pit’, my life of misery, just me and my whiskey.
That me and that life is dead, I’ve killed it so it doesn’t kill me and leave my kids without their dad. Do it for your son, do it for yourself, no one else. Good luck and take care.
Good on you, sounds like you’ve got a very good Handle on things and improving your family’s life.
It’s hearing this that shows what can be done to others who are struggling. I spent time at the start looking for reversal stories. This is just as important, that all is not doom and gloom. Life can improve again.
Thanks. I thought I couldn’t live without drink and that my life would be miserable sober, that I’d live forever unhappy, but it’s the complete opposite. You don’t just have to let go of the drink, you have to absolutely kill it dead. Don’t mourn its loss or a perceived loss of a life you had with drink, because it certainly won’t mourn your loss, your demise, your death, it will just move onto the next poor B@stard.
I’m not one for fiction, but I absolutely adore a writer named Irvine Welsh who wrote Trainspotting which is all about addiction and I’ve just bought the book which I’ve read many a times before, just for when on holiday, not for anything to gain from it as to my own (former) problem with addiction, just that it’s a brilliant written book, full of humour, vernacular and reality. But a famous quote from the book which of course spawned the famous movie is quite apt for this discussion…
Choose Life.
That’s what you have to do when it comes to alcohol, for those of us who become dependant on it anyway and doubly so for those who have liver disease because of it. There is no other choice really. Do so and a life of good health and happiness can be had, it’s not easy of course and again there is no such thing as a perfect life because it doesn’t exist, it’s about making your own life as perfect as it can be for yourself and those close to you.
And I know one thing about myself today; there is zero room for alcohol in my life no matter how badly it wants in. It ain’t getting in, ever, I don’t need it and never have. I have everything I ever need in life, my health, wife and kids which makes me the happiest man alive and by far the wealthiest I’ll ever be which I can never ever buy, not with all the money in the world because it’s priceless.
I look at my past and although yes there is guilt and shame, I’m also massively grateful I hit my own rock bottom. When you realise there is nothing there underneath you because you’re already there, you can crawl up into a ball and die there or look up and start climbing to get the hell out of your hell hole.
That’s what I did and while I don’t have the selfies to prove it, I’ve climbed up Mount f@cking Everest and while I haven’t quite made it all the way back down yet, the sun is shining and things are looking great so I think I’ll make it back to base camp I’m sure. In the meantime I’m enjoying the fresh air and the amazing views!
To anyone all the regrets in the world wont help you progress. You can continually beat yourself up then find yourself back in the same position where you started.
I did all this 2 years ago. Anybody that knows you can see that you are making an effort. That should be enough. If someone wants to knock you they will always find something never mind alcohol misuse.
hold on to the love you both have for each other and encourage him to be the best person he can be. Encourage him to do what makes him happy to succeed in his chosen choices and take comfort in that.
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. There is a pertinent line in "The Go Between" novel by L P Hartley that one could just look at as a clever but pithy throw away:
"The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there."
We all move on and we all change. See the past for what it is, take any learning from it you can, then pack it in a metaphorical box and forget about it. That person in the past contributed for good or bad to who you are now. You can't change that but you can learn from it.
As for your son, he sounds like a very caring young man with a wise head on such young shoulders. If you haven't done so, have you thought of writing him a letter? Explain what caused you to act in certain ways and how you're learning from things you did. Tell him how much you love and value him. You don't even need to give him the letter if you choose not to. Just the act of ordering your thoughts and explaining how you felt/feel will be a positive thing. Keep a copy for yourself as a touchstone for the tough times.
Keep on keeping on. You sound like you're doing the right things and your determination shines through. You've got this.
You can't change the past so forgive yourself and talk to your son openly, hash out the past with him and forgive each other and then don't look back move forward with everything and live. Sounds like you have an amazing son 😍
Its early days for you love although as I read your posts, I get the impression that counselling could help you immensely. Have you any thoughts on this? I decided that I would be my own Counsellor and 12 years on, I’m doing ok. But that’s me. We all drink for various reasons and it’s not always easy to quit. I still beat myself up for being so stupid, so perhaps I could do with therapy too
My Grandson was my reason to live. Every MRI, every endoscopy, every hospital visit, I had to endure, I thought of not seeing him grow up and I was determined to give it my best shot. Your Son needs you and I think you need him.
Where do I begin in answering your questions, we all have different stories, and mine wasn't an easy one with alcohol or my family, I don't often mention the reasons why I ended up in my particular situation, I witnessed two terrible events, and these events caused me to have bouts of depression as well as ptsd which I still struggle with, I'm now 12+ years sober and yes I have pangs of guilt on how my life panned out. The beginning was the most difficult stage as when you give up alcohol these thoughts are brought right to the forefront of my memories, and that's when we're most vulnerable, yes I was fortunate to get counselling and medical treatment for the after effects of years of chronic drinking, the problem with drinking is at the beginning it's a steady increase as the more you drink the more you want, the addiction has already begun.
I think we're all fragile when we have issues that are deep rooted, and I never sought help when my life started to fall apart, yes I lost touch with my family and became a nomad, even ended up in a hostel designed for alcoholics, but fast forward I tried my best to apologise to people I may have met on my way, and having a few years recovery behind me has shown we are capable of moving forward, don't live in the past it's a recipe for disaster, live for today and each day that comes we can have a future , don't beat yourself up, we are humans and make mistakes, and forgiveness helps heal your wounds, best of luck ❤️
I've been reading entries on this website for a couple of years because of the damage I did to my liver with alcohol. Your post and the awesome replies motivated me to tell my story.
I just turned 70 and was able to "control" my drinking for most of my life, but it was horrible for the last couple of years I drank. Four years ago, I ended up in the ER with extreme variceal bleeding. I woke up in the middle of the night choking on my blood and thought I was going to die.
After 2 weeks in the hospital, I knew I couldn't drink anymore and thought my life might as well be over! The best decision I ever made was to call Alcoholics Anonymous and talk with them about how they recovered. The people I met in AA taught me how to handle all of the problems I caused from my drinking and behaviors.
In addition to completely losing any desire to drink, I've learned an incredible amount about life that I didn't know before. There's a story in one of the AA books that tells how I feel about AA - I spent my entire life afraid that I would be an alcoholic but today I find it's the best thing that ever happened to me.
I too had lots of anxieties and thought alcohol was my solution for that. At first, it did solve those feelings, but it took more and more as the years went by. I think I drank all those years to get the feeling of calm and serenity I have now.
I don't regret my past because of those experiences I have been able to help other people who are like me.
I've been sober for 4 years and have met hundreds of people that are just like me. If I was able to do this, anyone can.
You're in my prayers for the recovery my wife and I have found,
hello - I can really relate to this. I would suggest that a strong and healthy relationship with your son is a vital component - some of us don’t have these foundations. Understand and communication and essential. Looks like they are ticked off too. As with any problematic past, how to put down that burden and look to the future are challenging, even scary, but with love and strength people can do it. There will be bad days, awful minutes and even terrifying seconds - but they pass and the present still has to happen - and it sounds like you are getting on with that!
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