Hello my friends on here. I haven't written for several months, but now have a need for some support out there. My friend had what is his fourth major bleed yesterday (the following one being just two weeks before...). Following what I see as a cry for help, I thankfully have keys to his house was able to let myself in and called an ambulance immediately. He'd been vomiting blood for several hours and continued vomiting in the ambulance and in resus for over an hour until he was stabilised. I don't know how to be, how to react, what I should or shouldn't say to him. He has carried on drinking regardless of these truly awful episodes where, each time, he has almost died. He says he doesn't want to die. But equally, won't accept any help. How do I support him? Thank you to you all.
Almost lost him. Again...: Hello my... - British Liver Trust
Almost lost him. Again...
This is so hard. My husband is the same. He has been borderline three times now, the last time the most severe with an HE induced coma for four days. Sadly there is nothing you can say or do to stop them drinking - I have learned that to my cost. All you can do is be there for them during these episodes, you being there will show him how much you care. Words don't seem to have any impact I'm afraid. They are scared of dying, but sometimes I feel they are scared of living too. The drink gives them an emotional crutch, and unless you can get to the bottom of what that is for, you don't stand much of a chance in getting him to stop. Indeed, unless he really, really, really wants to stop, nothing you say or do will induce him to. Does he have any family? Can they talk to him? I don't know how old he is, but having lived around this now for eight years, I can only tell you it only gets progressively worse. I wish I had something nicer to say to you, I am so sorry. He is lucky to have such a good friend in his life.
Thanks so much for your reply. He is just 49 and I think you've hit the nail on the head, being perhaps scared of living too. What an awful place to be and he must be going through hell inside. If only he could talk about it, but he won't... His family are in despair as am I. But it's knowing what I say, or not say when I visit him in hospital later and when he gets home again (usually discharging himself as he loathes hospitals) and then inevitably, coming to visit me with a bottle of wine to share...
Maybe you could set some ground rules? Be firm and tell you how much you love him and want to support him, but if he comes to you, not to bring wine to share as you can't in all conscience engage in an activity you know is going to kill him. Make sure he knows he is welcome, just not with a bottle in tow.
I have seen how this disease steals the person you love from you; it is pernicious and evil; it isn't his fault, the alcohol damages the neurotransmitters in the brain, and it has such a strong hold it is so hard to break. Visiting my OH in hospital I have seen many things, and had conversations with the docs and nurses..... I was once told you have more chance of coming off heroin than booze. I feel for them, life must be so difficult, and so lonely.
When you visit him, all you can do is be jolly, talk about the positive things in life, how great life is, and hope that deep down somewhere a spark that life is worth living will ignite....
You are such a good friend, at least when somethings happens, you will know in your heart you did everything you could. My GP has told me sometimes people really want to change but they just don't have the emotional strength to.....
You speak so wisely. Thank you indeed.
I have found it more and more difficult over the past three years to text or email him jolly stuff (he doesn't do calls much), because I don't feel jolly while being aware that he is killing himself, albeit in the background. (In your case I'm guessing, in front of you).
I can't help asking how he is, how he's feeling, it seems a natural first question, but is usually unanswered and an unrelated response comes back. He is not my partner, but my dearest, closest friend for the past 20 years and I feel so helpless (and I'll admit, exhausted) by it all and don't want to lose him. You must be very strong and so supportive to have seen your husband go through this for eight years.
Thank you again. It is very reassuring to know that there is someone to share this with. Wishing you well.
If you are to have any peace in this relationship, you need to learn detachment. It took me a really long time to embrace it, but I have now, and it really helps me value every minute of every day I still have with him. You can try mindfulness also - that helped me enormously. It does help you get over the overwhelming feelings of "trying to fix him". As women, we so often see that as our role; and feel frustrated and impotent if we don't get the response we want. I'm not like this every day - it is a bit of a rollercoaster to be honest, most days I'm fine but I do get the odd day when I start to fall apart. That's when I try the mindfulness - and go for a really long walk to try and clear my mind. You may not be his partner, but we all know in life good close friends are hard to find; if you can count more than one you are lucky. It's not that he doesn't care about you - he can't help himself. Although this is really painful for you know, take heart that he has been your friend for such a long time, and presumably a good friend. Better to have known him than not methinks. I'm not religious so I cannot offer to pray to God for you, but I hope you find the way to find some peace. So so difficult, I know, please feel free to contact me any time if I can be of any help, albeit remotely. xx
It's really hard on love ones, but until this guy is ready to want to change there isn't a great deal you can really do. To stop drinking has to be his decision, firstly he has to realise he has a problem in the first place, and the variceal bleed should been a wake up call. This is how it started for me. I had a problem with alcohol, but wasn't an alcoholic. I had developed a (unbeknown) routine to my drinking which I wasn't at the time aware of. I could go three weeks without a drink, then drink continually for three days, and then spend three days getting over this bender.
My Story is available to be read on the BLT website and I've put together a video about Alcohol-related Liver disease and this can be viewed at: youtube.com/watch?v=uI9jvtD...
I hope some of this may help.
I see you can't post video links on here, sorry about that.
Hi,
You may find it useful to contact al-anonuk.org.uk/ They are an organisation who provide support to anyone whose life is, or has been, affected by someone else’s drinking.
They have a Confidential Helpline 020 7403 0888
We do hope that is helpful,
Take care of yourself too,
Best wishes,
Rebecca
I've just watched a YouTube documentary called My Name Is Bill W. It's about how a group of alcoholics founded Alcoholics Anonymous. For millions of people around the world it has been the only thing that worked for them. I've seen a few Alcoholics die. But I've also seen many survive it and have wonderful lives after. Good luck ❤
Thank you all so much for your support. It is so very useful. You've jointly had a lot of experience yourselves over the years. I didn't visit my friend in hospital yesterday as I actually couldn't face it. It might sound selfish, but I think I'm still in shock after witnessing the horror of it all with him on Saturday. But I am visiting him this evening. I just don't know what to say to him without making any reference to the reason he's so ill. Once I've said "how are you feeling?", where do I go from there?
I will definitely contact Al-Anon. It's something I was going to do several months ago.
Best wishes to you all and my thanks again.
Need ful, try and understand that it's sooooo easy to fall into the trap. My wife had an affair and we split, had to split the house and sort out the kid. Drink was my ONLY friend through it all. I could drink alone and feel comfort. Cry if I wanted to or be full of bravado and say hell to it all.
But once your there it's very hard to recover. You see it as the ultimate in support (i know that's very sad but for me it was true)
I really hope he sees the dangers ahead And sorts this out. But I really sympathise with where he is x
Thank you for that Matt. I just wish he would accept some help from somewhere, but he has rejected it so far. Maybe this current hospital stay will be a turning point. I do hope so as I don't want to see him go through this again and I don't want to lose him. I said that to him when I visited him on Monday and he replied "I'm not doing it deliberately". I didn't know what to say.
Best wishes to you.
Hello again all. Just some advice please... My friend came out of hospital around two weeks ago following a massive bleed and another brush with death. He went totally quiet once back in his home, as usual. His text communication said he was very, very tired and weak and barely able to do anything. Three days ago, he text me to ask if I had a spare phone charger as his wasn't working and that he was in bed, feeling absolutely ill, wanting to vomit and unable to move and scared to vomit in case the banding split and he started bleeding again. I took him a charger yesterday and was shocked when he opened the door - he was absolutely yellow - the whites of his eyes especially. He looked absolutely ghastly. He said he was up and out of bed at least and feeling better than two days before, but I said he should see a doctor anyway, to which he basically told me to get off his case. Don't know what I can do. He's clearly so ill, but as usual, not wanting to seek medical help - I think for fear of being hospitalised. He chose to say it was a 'bug' that made him so ill. We are worried that he might have been drinking again to have caused him to feel so ill, or could this be an after effect of his latest banding? It's just awful to see someone looking so absolutely ghastly and be unable to do anything. Thanks for your thoughts.
If he doesn't seek medical help and hasn't stopped drinking then sadly his liver is packing up. He's obviously masively jaundiced, the portal hypertension with varices as bad as his are end stage symptoms & this is only going to go one way (sadly) if he can't stop drinking and won't get medical help - neither of which you can do for him if he is lucid enough to make his own decisions.
It must be absolutely awful to standby and see someone destroy themselves like this.
Look after yourself in all this.
Katie x
Thanks so much for your reply Katie. He might've stopped drinking for all I know, but he is nevertheless, still very ill and surely needs medical help, even if he is out of bed and not wanting to vomit. Is this what can happen with end stage even if you're not drinking?
Best wishes.
x
He is definitely very poorly and yes does need medical help. Even if he has stopped drinking in past couple of weeks it isn't going to have made a hugely positive effect on his health at this stage and sadly having such serious cirrhosis isn't going to reverse immediately and indeed can advance even without alcohol. The jaundice isn't a great sign if it's pretty new.
A neighbour of mine lost his daughter last month, she'd been in hospital and off booze since November but still passed away due to alcohol related cirrhosis. Sadly at the end it was multiple organ failure.
Although he does need medical intervention. If he won't accept it I don't know what more you can do, he obviously doesn't want to be readmitted to hospital and that's probably what would happen if his GP visited.
Katie
Feel a little lost :(
Cirrhosis and help 
TIPPS Procedure
It's like Watching Someone Dissappear..
