So tearful, can't stop

Hi ladies, I can't stop crying and I feel so down. I just feel wiped out. Told some people at work about being off sick with breast cancer and I just found it so, so distressing talking about it. The doctor says this Might be a normal reaction but I've got a nervous stomach, my mind keeps thinking "what if they've missed something" and if I'm honest, despite having a large family and lots of friends, I don't actually have a support network because everyone thinks I'm coping and that after radio "I can put it behind me and get on with my life" I just think what planet are they living on? I've been told by the oncologist there is only a small chance the cancer will ever come back and rationally I believe he's telling me the truth but emotionally I'm completely lost. I want to be stronger, I want to get on with things but just now I'm just stuck in an emotional quagmire. So much snow I can't even get out for a drive today. I'm sorry, I'm moaning. Believe me when I say I don't want to but this is the only place I find anything approaching comfort. So ladies you've drawn the short straw and been landed with me....xxx

[Lainey66]

Morning there Glenshellach. I was at a conference at the Royal College of Surgeons in Dublin. It was raised there that it can take 2 years or more foe your whole body to settle down after Chemo and Radiotherapy. So logically it could take the same for us psychologically and emotionally. Never feel that you are being weak or moaning etc. Do not forget that you - along with all of us here - have had a life threatening diagnosis. That in itself is a shock and a half to deal with, never mind dealing with the treatment too, at the end of the day, the treatment itself could potentially kill us. You must keep telling yourself "I have had this cancer and I have beaten this cancer, The cancer was strong but I am stronger!" While you say this, believe it. Put on your favourite upbeat music (mine are all 80's hits 😀😀) play it as loud as you want and sing and dance to it any way you like - I do this when I have the house to myself while hubby is at work and the boys in school, mainly because if they saw me they would have me dragged off by the men in white coats😂😂 Whatever it is, it has me feeling happy and energised afterwards. Meet a friend for coffee, one who wont focus in the cancer and have a good catch up. Maje a cuppa, put your feet up and poo on a good movie. Listen to an audio book - I found this helps as I still suffer with a lack of concentration when it comes to reading. I adore reading but can only last a couple if pages. In fact I went to slerp lustening to one if my books last night. Also, and quite importantly, do you have a local cancer support group where you live? If so, go and pop in for a chat, cuppa or even take part in some of their activities. It is a help. In the meantime you continue to chat here. We all know exactly how you feel. Sending you a hug. Lainey66 xxxx

[Lainey66 in reply to Lainey66]

Put on a good movie 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😃😃😃😃😃

[Hidden in reply to Lainey66]

Thanks lainey, I haven't even started radio yet and I STILL can't stop sniffling. I have to live away from home while I have it and I think that's making me a bit down. You always have a kind word for everyone on here and your insights definitely help keep things in perspective. I feel like an utter wimp, but I also am surprised how little others understand that you just can't "get on with your life" people I thought I could rely on just aren't there in really any shape or form. In fact they seem to be avoiding me, and I don't make anything difficult for them, if I cry I do it in private. I can't get my head round that. The bottom line is that it leaves me feeling lonely I guess. Everyone is getting on with their lives - and don't get me wrong I'm delighted for them - but I can't seem to get back into the real world just yet. I think you are right it might take time. In the meantime maybe I'll just give in and cry it all out until there's nothing left I can cry about...maybe my feet has to be on the bottom before I can push myself back up. As always thanks for your kindness, love Jackie Xxx

.

[Jessydontcare]

hi there Glen

I know how you feel and I think majority of us do. Its like its always going to be there hanging over you. The best advice I can give you is live for the moment. Think yes you have got through it and thank God you are still alive and keep that in mind. Don't forget what you have been through and its been a battle but you have come through to the other side and you have won. Listen to the doctor as thats the only thing you can do at the moment and try and stay positive. do all the things you wanted to do and enjoy life.

I hope that helped. I myself is still going through it so I hope I get to the other side and I hope that I can be this way afterwards but if I am not I hope you ladies can put some positive thoughts my way too. x

[Lainey66 in reply to Jessydontcare]

All the best Jessydontcare 😀😀 I agree, living in and for the moment is key. Goid luck with your treatment 😊 xx

[Jessydontcare in reply to Lainey66]

Thank you Lainey xx

[Hidden in reply to Jessydontcare]

Thanks jessiedontcare, I hope you keep up beat and that your treatment goes well. X

[Hidden]

Hello Hidden

There are days when it just creeps up & bites you on the bum! Being trapped at home, in January by the snow is just about when it's likely to catch you!

My last Chemo couldn't go ahead because of side effects & my cousin said to me 'Well that's it now, put it all behind you!' & basically if I ever mention anything she & some others say, it's all behind you now! No it isn't, you've been on a Conveyer Belt from the minute you see the Consultant, Tests, Surgery, Tests, Treatment & to be honest you never actually get time to sit down & think then when you do Whoosh It Hits You Big Style!

Let it all out today, chat to who's around this morning. Indulge & pamper yourself, have a 'Me' Day.

Hope you feel a bit better for writing it all down, I've done that before then not posted it as the writing did the trick!

I have an appointment shortly so will catch up with you later.

Take Care 💐

Mrs N 💅🏼

[Shones in reply to Hidden]

Hi Ladies, it's my first time posting on this site. Reading through, I find the posts so helpful, practical and upbeat in the circumstances. I so understand and relate to all these posts. I was diagnosed in November 2015 (triple negative, no node involvement), lumpectomy in the December, followed by FECT chemo and Radiotherapy, finishing in July.

I found treatment okay with no major side effects but feel on an emotional roller coaster in the last 6 months and imagine every ache and pain is something! It was good reading Lainey's post that chemo and radiotherapy has an effect on the body for 2 years. I'm not on any further drugs due to it being TN, so feel I don't have a safety net.

Most people think I'm positive and outgoing but I have some days I feel really down. For me it helped going to the local Maggie Centre and where I met a great bunch of like-minded ladies. I've given up a stressful job and I'm doing a smaller more enjoyable job (less money but what the heck!) and I've more time for me and the family. Trying to eat better (still eat my chocolate though!) and a glass of wine or two at the weekend. I'm walking the kids to school everyday, meeting friends for coffee and just trying to do the simple things I enjoy.

Sorry I'm going on but think just wanted to say that the emotional lows seem very normal, and for me it helps trying to control, what I can control, and except for the obvious looking over my shoulder, I'm appreciating life much more. Ps - I also dance around to Magic FM in the kitchen with the kids (who think I'm mad!). Great for those endorphins. Wish everyone on here all the very best.xx

[Hidden in reply to Shones]

Welcome Shones 💐

I too am TN & had a Mastectomy in August '15 as it was Multifocal & finished my Chemo in Nov '15

Lots of ladies don't post just read as the posts often answer their questions.

TN does leave you in an uncertain place & all we can do is be extra vigilant & hope to God it doesn't come back.

Glad to hear your dancing around, music is good for the soul 💃🏽

I had tickets for The Mavericks four days after my 1st Chemo so my wonderful Oncologist tweaked my Meds & gave me an extra day's Dexamethasone so l could go (I'd already cancelled My Big Birthday Cruise) so l was able to 'Dance The Night Away!' 💃🏽

How old are your children? My 'Boys' are 34 & 31 & both Married.

Remember, we're here anytime if you want a chat & sometime a bit of a laugh 😂 there are several of us with TBNC including our lovely Lainey66

Best Wishes & as they say on Strictly "Keep Dancing"

Mrs N 💅🏼

[Jennymary]

Don't worry, we're all here for each other, emotionally you're bound to be all over the place, you've had treatment, and survived, a life threating illness, I'm sure a lot of tears are relief, that's it's been resolved for you, it's a pity that you're not able to get out due to the weather, I've got a saying for myself which I'm happy to share, I can stay in and be miserable or go out and be miserable so I'll go out for an hour or so just a change of scenery for myself and be Jenny, not the person who has been in a cancer journey, hopefully you'll be able to get out soon, just for a coffee perhaps, and a chocolate/cream cake as a reward for yourself, hope this makes sense, stay strong x

[Hidden]

Hi ladies, weather's changing. Quick thaw on the way I believe so I'll get out later. I'm in the far north of scotland so bad weather is to be expected this time of year. I live for those moments when I don't consciously think "oh I've had cancer, just when did that happen?" But the other end of those when it comes flooding back in a wave of anxiety is hard to deal with. Anyway, teenage son is up and prowling about the house keeping a watchful eye on me, so smile is going on face, tissues are being discarded and I'm back into mum mode...Xxx

[Tracey06 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Glenshellach. I'm in Elgin and the place came to a standstill yesterday cause of the snow. 😂 Sometimes that happens to us too..❤️ I still sometimes have that "it all gets too much feeling" and the fear of "it" returning. I've just had my first year all clear 🎉 but the doubt is still there... I tend to have a wee cry in the shower where no one can see me then paint on the happy face.. it helps me face everything... and don't forget, you are allowed a bad day... it keeps us human.. just hope tomorrow is a better day for you. 💕 X

[Mandywilson]

You are probably feeling every emotion , fear & worry that we all have .. You are not moaning and you are certainly not a wimp , we all need an outlet .. It's the worse news we were given .. Lainey66 has said a lot of what I would have said .. And it will be a pleasure being "landed " with you x

[Louisejr]

Hi there

I know where you are coming from I have been feeling pretty low myself of late, but the support of all of these lovely ladies is immense and every word has helped me to focus and realise that there are days when your cry over every last little thing and then there are the happy days too. Every day is a fairy step forward and there are plenty of days when you feel you are going giant steps backwards. Ignore the people who don't care and listen to the ones who do (easier said than done I know)

Big hugs

Louise

[Jillyannepope28]

Oh bless you X it does feel daunting but please try to look on the positive side X it really changes you for the better I know it did for me , I'm a better and calmer person after this journey and focus on the bigger picture , the little things are less important , out of bad things that happen better things evolve X be as positive as you can X sending love 💕

[Fridlie in reply to Jillyannepope28]

Agree wholeheartedly! you WILL recover from this and enjoy life more than you ever have before. Through my experience I am now equipped to help other people with a cancer diagnosis and that's what its about now x

[Angelmummi]

This is not uncommon. I found people were very supportive while I was having Chemo but once my hair started to grow back they thought I was better. Having been so strong they thought I didn't need their help anymore. I found that time the darkest. I know it's hard but you have to stay positive. I was asked how I was so strong and I said I wanted to see my daughter go to promote. She was then 6 and her prom in later this year. Make plans for the near and distant future then tick them off as they happen. If others don't support us then we need to support each other. Tomorrow is another day.

[Hidden in reply to Angelmummi]

Good advice Angel mummy, I hope your daughter has a fantastic prom night. I think you are right. we had planned an extended family holiday after my radio and I think I shall go on line and start planning. it will give me something to look forward to. Hope you have a great weekend,love jackie x

[Angelmummi in reply to Hidden]

Hope you have a wonderful holiday. I just have to survive a very stressy teenager who starts her Mocks next week! Hope all goes well.

Love Margaret

[haagr]

Hi Glenshellach

I do understand what you are saying and how you feel. On any given day I could have written what you wrote. What you are experiencing is so very normal. You are not alone. It's very hard to be strong or pretend to be on days you are falling apart inside. But you are strong to have come as far as you have.

I found what I needed to do especially at the beginning was to reach out to anyone and everyone I knew who had breast cancer. No one else can understand the ups and downs of this journey. No one else can understand being alone even in the physical presence of others. In a sense, I formed my own support group.

I stopped taking and making phone calls from those without BC. No matter how someone tried to comfort or support me, they just triggered more crying. I resorted to communicating by email and texting. This allowed me to vent and cry simultaneously without upsetting who I was talking to. And it afforded me the option of responding when I felt up to it. 5 months into my journey, I still screen phone calls carefully but am moving forward and am much less depressed and frightened.

I agree that cold and snowy weather make it more difficult. Getting out and living life without a focus on doctor appointments and treatments really does help. I attend a monthly breast cancer support group and some members have now become friends. Do you have a group near you? If not why don't you try to form one with other women you know who have breast cancer? Seek professional counseling to help you verbalize your feelings. It has been a salvation for me in my darkest moments.

Live each day hour by hour. Allow yourself to feel. As you continue your journey you will begin to immerge from this cloud hanging over you.

When you are lost and not coping you may want to try a short meditation video that I find most calming.

youtu.be/Jyy0ra2WcQQ(Not working as expected?)

Be well. Please keep me up to date on your progress.

R from NYC

[louise007]

You are not moaning at all you are reaching out for help and that's takes guts ....and you are right about people living on another planet some people just don't get it do they which I found hard to deal with and felt it was my fault they didn't or couldn't or even wouldn't understand its so easy to feel alone and you are strong we are all strong going through this .one to one counselling helped me took me four months to ask to for help learn that asking for help is a strength and not a weakness you have made the first move with coming here ...