Hya all, my head is in the shed I don't know what to think. But I can't think about anything other than my dad. I've got so many questions and I'll never know the answers.

My dad died Monday at home, he showed no obvious signs of being bad (I mean needing hospital treatment) he went to bed as normal Sunday night and woke me at 2:30 Monday morning struggling to catch his breath. I gave him a diazepam 5mg and 2.5mls of oramoph and turned his o2 from .5 to 1.5 within 10 mins his o2 had gone from 56 to 91 so I turned it down to .75 and he got back into bed and was a lot calmer. Usually if this had happened before and it had he wouldn't of calmed down and his o2 wouldn't of increased as rapidly as it did so I didn't think that he needed a hospital trip. At 3am he assured me he was ok so I went back to bed.

The door bell rang again and it was 3:40 am he wanted to take the bipap mask off so I helped him. He wasn't out of breath or anything just normal (as normal as possible) so I said good night and he replied.

But when I came downstairs at 8:30 he was on the bedroom floor unresponsive.

But there's a niggling doubt that he was still alive, he had no pulse and was cold my brother in law preformed cpr whilst I spoke on the phone to 999. The fire brigade arrived in what seemed like a lifetime but it wasn't and all I could hear was a machine shouting continue cpr.

Obviously after no signs of improving they stopped. One of them asked me if he had a lung removed I can't imagine how it felt doing cpr but that thought sends shivers.

The doctor from the local surgery was happy to sign the death certificate as copd cause of death. But the way he was lying on the floor begs to wonder how he got there he was opposite to the way he lies in bed and his head was propped up against the wall, on his side. No blood or head injuries to say he fell really strange.

I'm sorry for the long winded note, but nobody else understands. Has anyone else had a experience in this. Love and light

24 Replies

  • HI please don't feel guilty as I am sure you did everything you could. Easy to say I know but don't torture yourself with regret. It sounds like he had very severe copd and I know from what I have seen on here that you can suddenly go downhill very fast and there is nothing anyone can do. Even if he had been in a hospital I doubt whether they could have saved him either.

    You sound like a lovely, caring daughter and you must have loved each other so much. Rejoice in that and how well you looked after him. Take care sweetheart. Bev x

  • Oh dear Melissa, it's so normal to go over & over what happened & to question what you did or didn't do for your Dad.

    His death was sudden but then many are. You have lost your dear Dad & he's at peace now. No more struggling to breath. Please don't recriminate yourself, you did everything you could.

    You're a lovely caring daughter & gave your Dad the best of care. You'll miss him, but soon you'll be able to think back on all the happy days you had together.

    Take care of yourself & always remember we're here for you. God bless 💐

  • Dear Melissa, I really feel for you. My husband died of Lung Cancer earlier this year. So many times I have relived his last weeks and wondered if there was anything I could have done better. Then I get to wondering if I should have noticed how ill he was and made him get help sooner.

    It is natural when newly bereaved, to go over every detail. All I can say is the pain eases a bit, as time passes. We can't turn the clock back or change anything. Your Dad would not want to be feeling bad. He knew you did your best for him. Please try to think about all the happy times you shared.

  • hi I'm so very sorry for your loss, but please don't feel guilty. You and your brother did everything you could. You take care and nd remember the good times with your dad. Love BERNYXXX

  • hello Melissa I'm so sorry about ur dad you did all u could for him it must be very hard for u right now hes at peace now thinking of u.xx

  • 💐🌹🌻😘xx

  • Hello Melissa

    I am so sorry you have lost your Dad 🌷

    You have cared and loved him throughout his illness, you could not have done more.

    You are still shocked over losing him, and it's normal to think 'what if '.... Or ' if only l had done '.

    You must try and put these thoughts aside now, and allow yourself to grieve.

    Your Dad is at peace now.


  • The others replies have said it all. You did everything you could and he was obviously very well cared for by you.

    As time passes the immediate concerns you have about his last few hours will fade and you will be able to see the larger picture.


    Kate x

  • That's very sad for you Melissa but please rest assured you did all you could for your dear dad.

    Lung disease can take a loved one very suddenly so don't feel guilty.

    Condolences to you and your family. Peace to your dad now. Xxxx

  • Hello Melissa, I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Dad. My sincere condolences to you and your family xx

  • You poor thing, what a sad happening. I can't explain it but I send you my sincere condolences.

  • what a shock for you Melissa, don' have guilty thoughts about it, you were there for him in his last hours caring for his needs. Its a sad thing to happen so near to Christmas and because it was sudden you will need a lot of time to come to terms. Step back and take some time for yourself in the sure knowledge that your dad is at peace with no more suffering, take care xx

  • Your story is so sad, Melissa. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    The sadness is for you, and not really for your dad because he's now at peace and because you were there for him and cared for him so well.

    There are always things we can't fully understand. In time, you'll remember the good times more than his dying, and what a lovely dad he always was. Sue

  • So sorry to hear this sad news my thoughts are with you at this sad time

  • Rip xxxxx

  • Hi Melissa..

    So sorry to hear about your dad. You can take comfort in the fact that his passing was quick and that he is no longer suffering. My own dad had a slow and lingering death and I used to pray for him to pass so that his suffering would be at an end.

    Time will help you deal with things and the pain will lessen for you. Please hold no guilt for yourself. You are a loving caring daughter and there will always be a special place in your heart where he will always exist

    My thoughts and love are with you XXX

  • So sorry for your loss. Everyone else have said it all. Be at peace.

  • Dear Melissa ,,, I have read so many of your posts on here.....

    Your Dad was very ill and you did a wonderful job taking good care of him ,,,,,,,,,You have been his nurse, his carer, his cook, his cleaner, his daughter and his friend through all of this and im sure he is so very proud of you.

    There are people on this forum who are totally alone and will never know the love and support you gave your Dad ......We all have a time to go and that night was your dads, you couldnt have done any more and he passed away knowing you love him

    I lost both my parents years ago and even now i sit with my sister and try to make sense of it all but it never makes sense and it never will

    I would strongly advise you to have a chat with your gp about getting some grief counselling ,,, you have been through a lot the last year or so ...You looked after your dad and now its time to look after your own needs x

  • Thank you all, I'm just besides myself. All the 999 calls the last 18 months to be told time after time he was very ill and be very lucky to pull though and each time he did. I thought I'd be prepared hoping his suffering would be over but now it's happened I can't quite believe it. I know he wasn't happy he had no quality of life he was just existing. I hope he's with my mother after he's been alone for 12 years. RIP Dad I love you from the bottom of my heart xxxxx

  • Melissa love, I am so sorry for your loss especially at this time of year; we are never prepared to lose a loved one however long they have been suffering, As you said, he had no quality of life and was just existing - I am one of those who believe that he has simply moved on to where there is no more suffering and we are all re-united. Do not torture yourself with the how or the why, just be glad that you gave him all the care in the world for so long; take time to grieve but don't let grief swamp you, he would never want that. Be kind to yourself now and know that you are in the thoughts of us all.

  • So sorry for your loss Melissa - I echo what others have said - please don't feel guilty. Take solace from the fact that he is at peace now & no longer suffering. My deepest condolences to you and all of the family.

  • Oh Melissa. I have no knowledge or experience anything like this, but it sounds as if you did everything possible ,& the outcome would have been the same. If he'd gone to hospital. Please don't torture yourself you sound like a loving caring daughter who did everything possible. Nan

  • So sorry Melissa but by reading your post I can see you did everything within your power to do. He could possibly have become confused, but you did all that you could have done. Believe me your dad knew that.

    Going over things and trying to find meanings to what happened is not going to do you any good at all. There is nothing, nothing at all to feel guilty about. Peace to you and yours Melissa.

    JP xx

  • So sorry you did all you could , do not beat yourself up.

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