Daily Laughter Tuesday

Daily Laughter Tuesday

Good happy Tuesday my friends

Please enjoy them

Best wishes

Berwick

sorry im not true

sorry im not happy

sorry im not you…

 

. Dinosaurs, dinosaurs,

Where have you been?

I've only seen you

In books that you're in.

Dinosaurs, dinosaurs,

Why aren't you here?

I want to know what

Made you all diasappear!

2. There once was a monkey in a city’s zoo,

who dreamed of the outside sun.

He did like hitting kids with poo,

but he felt that that’s been done.

That poor monkey needed cash

to afford his exotic meals.

But his stomach led him to the trash,

where he ate a cube of butter and apple peels.

3. My dog ate my homework.

That mischievous pup

got hold of my homework

and gobbled it up.

My dog ate my homework.

It's gonna be late.

I guess that the teacher

will just have to wait.

My dog ate my homework.

He swallowed it whole.

I shouldn't have mixed it

with food in his bowl.

4. A huge obnoxious dinosaur,

Just barged its way through our front door!

It didn't knock or ring the bell,

Just crashed right in to where we dwell!

It snarled and snorted 'cross the hall,

Stood on (and burst!) my brand new ball.

5. Cows are cute,

Cows are fun,

Cow babies are a beauty'

and I laugh when then toot,

from out their little buns.

6. My cat goes flying through the air

from over here to over there.

He lands and runs right back, and then

goes flying through the air again.

I didn't used to see him fly,

like Superkitty, through the sky.

He used to only lie around

upon my bed or on the ground.

7. Oh I want to be a great big dinosaur,

That is what I really want to be!

For if I were a great big dinosaur,

Everyone would run away from me. . .

Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

How can you get four suits for a £

Buy a deck of cards.

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?

They had reservations.

How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.

How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.

How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!

How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.

What bird can lift the most?

A crane.

What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.

What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.

What clothes does a house wear?

Address.

What country makes you shiver?

Chile.

What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something!

What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.

What did Tennessee?

The same thing Arkansas.

What did Delaware?

Her New Jersey.

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

It's time to go to sweep.

What did the necktie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.

What do bees do with their honey?

They cell it.

What do you call a calf after it's six months old?

Seven months old.

What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?

Dead.

Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?

His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball.

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A cartoon.

What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.

What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?

Bugs Bunny.

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.

What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.

What has 6 eyes but can't see?

3 blind mice.

What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.

What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.

What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.

What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.

What kind of cats like to go bowling?

Alley cats.

What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.

What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?

A red carnation.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?

A pink car-nation.

What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.

What's green and loud?

A froghorn.

What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.

Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.

Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.

Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!

Mad Cow

Two cows are standing around one day when one cow says to the other, “So what do you think about this mad cow disease?” The other cow replies, “What the do I care? I’m a helicopter!”

Man A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.Man B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

Correct the sentence

Teacher : Correct the sentence, “A bull and a cow is grazing in the field”

Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field.

Teacher : Why?

Student : Ladies first.

Q. Why did the tomato turn red?

A. It saw the salad dressing!

High Stakes

A man walks into a butcher’s shop and inquires of the butcher: “Are you a gambling man?” The butcher says “Yes”, so the man said: “I bet you fifty bucks that you can’t reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.” “But I thought you were a gambling man” the man retorts. “Yes I am” says the butcher “but the steaks are too high.”

Blind Man

"I see," said the blind man, peeing into the wind. "It's all coming back to me now."

You're so ugly, when yo' mama dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering!

Grandfatherly Advice

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

An English gentleman traveled to New York City one rainy summer for the funeral of an old girlfriend.Having packed in a hurry, he forgot to bring his galoshes.Not wanting to ruin his shoes in the mud that was sure to be at his departed friend's burial ceremony, he went to a shoe store."Pardon me." he asked the clerk, "Do you have any black rubbers?"The confused clerk said he did not, but directed the man to the drugstore across the street.The Englishman asked the pharmacist, "Pardon me, but do you have any black rubbers?"The pharmacist replied, "I don't know but I'll take a look."From the back room, he called out, "I have green, red, purple, blue and rainbow, but no black." Returning to the counter he asked the Englishman, "Why do you want black rubbers, anyway?"The Englishman replied, "My old girlfriend just died."The surprised pharmacist said, "Oh, you English are so refined!"=======================

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for £599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99p a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has £1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -("com-for-da-bul" )

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it critically.'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.'How much for a new one?''Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.'The regiment has taken a vote,' the Scot says. 'We'll have a new one.

On that subject I think we shall call it a day

Hope that you enjoyed them

Please my friends have a great Tuesday whatever you are doing

Breath Easy my friends

Berwick xxxx

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4 Replies

oldestnewest
  • the ol'duns are the best,good clean fun,keep them coming Berwick, jim

  • I love your one-liners! Thanks Berwick. I appreciate the effort this must take. x

  • Your jokes are the best medicine. First thing I saw when I got in from having a filling at the dentist. Keep them coming. Mandy xxx.

  • Yes,enjoyed liked the one about the Scotsman x

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