British Lung Foundation

How many Saturdays are there in 2013?

There are exactly 52 Saturdays in the year 2013.

The answer to this question is not always simple. Most of the time, it will equal the number of weeks in a year, but that's only true for some of the days of the week.

Most years have 365 days, but a leap year has 366 days. That adds up to 52 weeks (where each week is exactly 7 days) PLUS 1 or 2 additional days. The year 2013 has exactly 365 days.

Now if the year starts on a Saturday in a non-leap year, you end up with 53 Saturdays. Or if either of the first two days lands on a Saturday during a leap year, then you can also get 53 Saturdays. Check the calendars below for January and December of 2013 to see exactly where the year starts and ends.

A Dog Named Spike (A Love Story)

Spike was a beach bum from Spain,

Loving Pepsi, even more than champagne.

Spike left Spain to visit France,

Seeing a dog, he was craving romance.

When she smiled, batting her eyes,

Spike fell in love, so he fed her French fries.

At dawn, his girl saw a ghost;

It made her cry, so he fed her French toast.

The girl dog gave Spike pure bliss,

Holding his paw, while giving him a kiss.

Spike never returned to Spain,

Staying with her, even out in the rain.

For want of a nail, the shoe was lost;

For want of the shoe, the horse was lost;

For want of the horse, the rider was lost;

For want of the rider, the battle was lost;

For want of the battle, the kingdom was lost,

And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.

Everyone grumbled. The sky was grey.

We had nothing to do and nothing to say.

We were nearing the end of a dismal day,

And then there seemed to be nothing beyond,

Then

And everyone's face grew merry and bright,

And Timothy danced for sheer delight.

"Give me the camera, quick, oh quick!

He's crawling out of the duckweed!" Click!

Then the gardener suddenly slapped his knee,

And doubled up, shaking silently,

And the ducks all quacked as if they were daft,

And it sounded as if the old drake laughed.

Oh, there wasn't a thing that didn't respond

When

A noiseless patient spider,

I marked where on a promontory it stood isolated,

Marked how to explore the vacant vast surrounding,

It launched forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself,

Ever unreeling them, ever tirelessly speeding them.

And you O my soul where you stand,

Surrounded, detached, in measureless oceans of space,

Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing, seeking the spheres to connect them,

Till the bridge you will need be formed, till the ductile anchor hold,

Till the gossamer thread you fling catch somewhere, O my soul.

How doth the little crocodile...

How doth the little crocodile

Improve his shining tail,

And pour the waters of the Nile

On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin

And welcomes little fishes in,

With gently smiling jaws!

The crocodile, with cunning smile, sat in the dentist's chair.

He said, "Right here and everywhere my teeth require repair."

The dentist's face was turning white. He quivered, quaked and shook.

He muttered, "I suppose I'm going to have to take a look.""I want you," Crocodile declared, "to do the back ones first.

The molars at the very back are easily the worst."

He opened wide his massive jaws. It was a fearsome sight––

At least three hundred pointed teeth, all sharp and shining white.

The dentist kept himself well clear. He stood two yards away.

He chose the longest probe he had to search out the decay.

"I said to do the back ones first!" the Crocodile called out.

"You're much too far away, dear sir, to see what you're about.

To do the back ones properly you've got to put your head

Deep down inside my great big mouth," the grinning Crocky said.

The poor old dentist wrung his hands and, weeping in despair,

He cried, "No no! I see them all extremely well from here!"

Just then, in burst a lady, in her hands a golden chain.

She cried, "Oh Croc, you naughty boy, you're playing tricks again!"

"Watch out!" the dentist shrieked and started climbing up the wall.

"He's after me! He's after you! He's going to eat us all!"

"Don't be a twit," the lady said, and flashed a gorgeous smile.

"He's harmless. He's my little pet, my lovely crocodile."

Q: How do two psychiatrists greet each other?

A: You are fine. How am I?

Q: What did the doctor say to the ghost?

A: I have a boo boo

Q: Did you hear about the call girl that had to get her appendix out?

A: The doctor sewed up the wrong hole and now she's making money on the side.

Q: When does a doctor get mad?

A: When he runs out of patients!

Q: What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?

A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?

A: In case they have to draw blood.

Q: How is a hospital gown like insurance?

A: You're never covered as much as you think you are.

Q: What advice don't you want to hear from a doctor before an operation?

A: Whatever you do, don't go into the light.

Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?

A: If you aim it well enough.

Q: Why can't skeletons play music in church?

A: Because they've got no organs.

Q: What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?

A: Saturday Night Fever.

Q: What did the blonde ask the doctor after he told her she was pregnant?

A: Is it mine?

Q: Why did the pilot go to the psychologist?

A: He thought he was plane crazy.

Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?

A: He was feeling all stuffed up!

Q: What did the patient say to the annoying doctor during Liposuction surgery?

A: Doc, you're really starting to get under my skin!!

Q: Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street?

A: They were arch enemies.

Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?

A: A spreader of old wives' tails.

Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?

A: They have shaky hands!

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

A: He's all right now.

Q: Why did the proctologist use two fingers?

A: In case the patient wanted a second opinion.

Q. Why did the blonde nurse tip-toe past the medical cabinet?

A. So she wouldn't wake-up the sleeping pills

Q: Why did you take the doctor's sweater?

A: Well, he asked me to take something for my cold.

Q: Why did the duck go to the doctor's office?

A: He was looking for a quack.

Q: How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!

Q: Did you hear that researchers have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary?

A: It runs in your jeans.

Q: Do you know why nurses make the worst lovers?

A: Because they’re taught to wait until the swelling goes down.

Q: What kind of physician works on a cruise liner?

A: A dry doc.

Q: Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist?

A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?

A: To get his teeth crowned!

Q: Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle?

Q: Why do Doctors always seem to know exactly what is wrong with you?

A: They have a sick sense.

Q: Why did the nurse have a long pole and two rubber gloves?

A: Her way of not getting pregnant.

Q: Did you hear about the three men that hijacked a truck full of Viagra?

A: The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

A: They can both smell it, but they can't eat it!

Q: Why did the doctor learn art?

A: IN order to learn how to draw blood.

Q: What is a double-blind study?

A: Two orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram.

Q: What is the politically correct way of defining a dead person. A: He is electroencephalographically challenged.

Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?

A: To the dock!

Q: What's do you call two ITU nurses holding hands?

A: A synapse.

Q: Why did the nurse have a long pole and two rubber gloves?

A: Her way of not getting pregnant.

Q: What do you call a nurse with a brain?

A: Pregnant.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: What Do You Get If You Cross A Psychiatrist And A Patient?

A: Two People Talking Shit!

Q: What did on tonsil say to the other tonsil?

A: "Get dressed up, the doctor is taking us out!"

Q: How do you hide a \$5 bill from a General Surgeon?

A: Hide it in the Patient's Notes.

Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?

A: To get a root canal.

Q: What do you call 2 orthopedic surgeons reading an ECG?

A: A double blind trial.

How does a farmer count a herd of cows?

-With a Cowculator

What's a cow's favorite moosical note?

-Beef-flat

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?

-Too many cheetahs

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?

-Mice Krispies

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

Three birders walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks. (ha....!!)

Birder 1: What kind of bird is that?

Birder 2: A gulp.

Birder 1: A gulp? Never heard of it.

Birder 2: It's like a swallow, only it's bigger

What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone?

What did the dog say when he sat on the sandpaper?

-Rough! Rough!

MERGER ANNOUNCEMENT: Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

(kids love this one....)

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, I am sorry, we have cherries and olives but no grapes." "Oh," says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later the duck returns and asks the same bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" "Like I said before, we have cherries and olives, but WE DON'T HAVE GRAPES!" says the bartender. "Oh," says the duck and leaves. But ten minutes later the duck returns and again asks, "Do you have any grapes?" "Look, beak lips," screams the bartender. "WE HAVE NO GRAPES!, we will never have NO grapes! and if you ask me again, I am going to nail your webby little feet to the floor!!!" "Oh," says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later, the door swings open and the duck returns. The bartender is furious. He slams a bottle of beer down on the bar, stares menacingly at the duck and screams, "WHAT???!!" "Uh...uh...do ...you ...have...any....NAILS?" "Nails? Nails? No, we don't have nails," answers the bartender. "Mmmm," says the duck. "So, do you have any grapes?"

A senior citizen was arrested for shoplifting. When she was taken before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen. The old woman replied, " Just a can of peaches."

T that point the judge then asked her why she had stolen the can. She said, "She was hungry and she didn't have any money with her because she forgot her wallet at home." The judge then asked her how many peaches were there in the can. She replied, "Only Nine." The judge said, "Well then, you are going to jail for nine days."

The old woman's husband was in the audience and he raised his hand and asked if he can say something. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to say?" The husband said, "Your honor, it was not only the can of Peaches, she also stole a can of peas."

"You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing."

"Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week." --Maggie Kuhn

An old fellow fell in love with a lady. He got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her. She replied, "OK." He said, "Will you marry me?" She replied, "Yes," then asked what his second question was. He replied, "Will you help me up?"

"Age doesn't matter, unless you're a cheese." - Senior citizen

Seven Retirement One-liners to Work into Your Leaving Speech

Active socially: Drinks heavily.

Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.

Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.

Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.

Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.

Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.

The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. George Foreman

There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter F. Drucker

I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy. Danny McGoorty, Irish Pool Player

Eye Test

A short Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters. On the bottom row were these letters:

'C Z W I N O S T A C Z.'

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied - 'I know the fellow.'

The limerick is furtive and mean

You must keep her in close quarantine

Or she sneaks to the slums

And promptly becomes

Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

Linda Blair with great favour confessed,

She'd been exorcised, thus finding rest,

But alack and alas

Her old demon came back

and now the poor girl's repossessed.

There Once was a Man called Reg

Who Went with a Girl in a Hedge

Along came his wife

With a big Carving Knife

And cut off his meat and two veg

The priest is driving home from a party. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

3 men hiking through a forest they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, first man prayed: God, please give me strength to cross the river.Poof! God gave him big arms strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: God, please give me strength and the tools to ccross the river.

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first 2 men, the third man prayed: God, please give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross the river.

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked 100 yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

0. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

9. What the heck is so important about chocolate.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your hair to make it grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND,

the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied,

"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Her mother asks, "What's the matter, Honey?"

"Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?"

"Because he's an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell!"

"Marry him anyway. dear. Between the two of us, we'll show him just

how wrong he really is."

Think that all my friends

hope you enjoyed

Breath Easy My Fiends

Have a great Saturday

Berwick xxxx

12 Replies

Nice to start the day with a laugh.

WOW ! that was a marathon ! - well done berwick ...fair took me breath away ..!

Indeed vittorio it was a marathon must be a 'Saturday Special', well done Berwick, happy Saturday to everyone.

Lib x

thanks libbygood, did not realise how much I put on. Promise I will do a smaller version for Sunday Berwick xxx

I am not reading them to-day I am feeling down and want to stay that way so I will save them for tomorrow. xx

Hope you feel better soon exblonde. Sunny day in south Wales, hope it perks you up.did not realise how much I put on. Promise I will do a smaller version for Sunday Berwick xxx

Too much for me to take in Graeme

KOTC

Thank you KOTC did not realise how much I put on. Promise I will do a smaller version for Sunday Berwick xxx

Thank you

Thanks Graeme, another fine piece to set up the smiles for today

Sandra x x x

sex for a 90 year old man is like playing snooker with a piece of rope.

I've dipped in an out for the last half an hour so as not to miss any - well worth the dip, Graeme xx