British Lung Foundation
33,781 members41,232 posts

Daily Laughter

Daily Laughter

Study the statement below as questions will be asked at a later date

The name Tuesday derives from the Old English "Tiwesdæg" and literally means "Tiw's Day".[1] Tiw is the Old English form of the Proto-Germanic god *Tîwaz, or Týr in Norse, a god of war and law.[2][3] *Tîwaz derives from the Proto-Indo-European base *dei-, *deya-, *didya-, meaning 'to shine', whence comes also such words as "deity".[4]

The Latin name dies Martis ("day of Mars") is equivalent to the Greek ?µ??a ??e??. In most languages with Latin origins (Italian, French, Spanish, Catalan, Romanian, Galician, Sardinian, Corsican, but not Portuguese), the day is named after Mars, the Roman god of war.

In some Slavic languages the word Tuesday originated from Old Church Slavonic word ?????? meaning "the second" (Serbian: ?????? (utorak)). Bulgarian and Russian "???????" (Vtornik) is derived from the Bulgarian and Russian adjective for 'Second' - "?????" (Vtori) or "??????" (Vtoroi)

In Japanese, the word Tuesday is ???(ka youbi), meaning 'fire day' and is associated with ?? (kasei): Mars (the planet), literally meaning "fire star". Similarly, in Korean the word Tuesday is ??? (hwa yo il), also meaning fire day.

In the Indo-Aryan languages Pali and Sanskrit, as well as in Thailand, the name of the day is taken from Angaraka ('one who is red in colour')[5] a style (manner of address) for Mangal, the god of war, and for Mars, the red planet.

In the Nahuatl language, Tuesday is Huitzilopochtonal (Nahuatl pronunciation: [wi?t?silo?po?t??'to?na?]) meaning "day of Huitzilopochtli".

Have a nice Tuesday Friends

I never put my things away.

I never dust my room.

I never fix the things I break.

I never use a broom.

I never take the garbage out.

I never buy the food.

I never get embarrassed

when a person sees me nude.

I never clean the table tops.

I never scrub the floors.

I never turn the TV off.

I never lock the doors.

I never wash the dinner plates.

I never say a word.

I never knew that life would be

so easy for a bird!

Our teacher gave detention

to the fountains in the hall.

She handed extra homework

to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger

at a banner and a sign.

She said their bad behavior

was completely out of line.

The principal approached her

and said, “What is all this fuss?

I heard you tried to punish

all the tires on a bus.

You’ve made the teachers angry

by disrupting all their classes,

So if you want to keep this job,

you have to wear your glasses!”

My doggy ate my essay,

he picked up all my mail.

He cleaned my dirty closet

and dusted with his tail.

He straightened out my posters

and swept my wooden floor.

My parents almost fainted when

he fixed my bedroom door.

I did not try to stop him.

He made my windows shine.

My room looked like a palace.

My jackets smelled like pine.

He fluffed up every pillow.

He folded all my clothes.

He even cleaned my fish tank with

a toothbrush and a hose.

I thought it was amazing

to see him use a broom.

I’m glad he ate my essay

on “How to Clean My Room”.

When Dribs was at the Water Park,

he went on all the rides.

He swam in all the swimming pools

and slid down all the slides.

He ran around and shouted out,

“This place is really cool!”

But Dribs turned red when someone said,

“Your suit is in the pool!

I just finished building

a bridge to the moon.

I started last August

and ended this June.

I used giant branches,

a few million rocks,

unbreakable cables,

and billions of blocks.

The walls on my bridge

are a marvelous sight.

They’re safe and secure

and they light up at night.

The nails are nailed in

and the screws are screwed tight,

but something is wrong here!

This cannot be right!

The moon isn’t orange!

It isn’t that bright!

The moon doesn’t give off

this powerful light!

I have to keep building!

This bridge isn’t done!

For I have just noticed

it leads to the sun!

The mother was furious. “Paul!” – she yelled. “Why are you making such awful faces at your bulldog?”

“Well, Mom, he started it!”

A small boy ridiculed the talk about a painless dentist in his neighborhood. “He’s not painless at all.” – said the boy.

“He put his finger in my mouth and I bit it and he yelled just like anybody would.

The boy of ten was sipping his favorite strawberry soda at McDonalds when his pal strolled in. The boy looked up from the drink and said, “Thought you were over at Jenny’s house.”

“I’m through with girls,” the other said, “after all, they’re a dime a dozen.”

“You mean it?” – the boy again halted his sipping. “A dime a dozen? Gee whiz. And all this time, I’ve been spending my money on sodas.”

Two kids were hiking and were surrounded by huge granite cliffs. “I wonder where all this stone came from?” – one boy asked.

“I know,” said the other boy. “It came down when the glaciers came through here.”

“Well, the rock is here but where are the glaciers?” – asked the other.

“Well, er, uh, ahem. Well, I suppose the glaciers went back for more rock.” – was the reply.

Two kids were hiking when they came upon a huge bear. One boy sat down, took a pair of track shoes out his knapsack and started to put them on.

“You’are wasting your time.” – said the other boy. “You can’t outrun that bear even with your track shoes on.”

The other boy replied, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you.”

A boy walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to give him something to cure the hiccups. The pharmacist merely leaned over and slapped the kid on the back.

“Why did you do that to me?” – asked the boy.

“Well, you don’t have the hiccups now, do you!”

“No, but my Mom out in the care still does!” – the boy replied.

Two kids talking:

Jeremy: “My Dad says the price of everything is going up, up, up. Food, clothes,… everything. He says he’d like to see something go down!”

Jim: “Would you like to show him my report card?”

Little girl: “My baby brother is only one year old but he has been walking, now, for six months.”

Little boy: “My goodness… isn’t he awful tired?”

Two boys were struggling with a huge table in a doorway. They pushed and pulled and upped it and downed it until both were exhausted.

Between gasps for air, one managed to say, “We better give up…’cause we’ll never get this table into the house.”

“Into the house?” screamed the other. “I thought we were moving it out of the house!”

It was a wonderfully deep snow and the little boy stood at the top of a hill readying his sled for a slide downhill.

Another boy came up to him and asked, “Can I share your sled?”

“Sure,” the little boy said. “You take it uphill and I’ll take it down!”

Teacher: “James, why are you late for school?”

James: “Well, y’see, I was dreaming about a football game and it went into overtime. So, y’see, I had to… had to… stay asleep to see the finish.”

In first grade, the teacher was offering the class questions about the alphabet. “Can anyone tell me what comes after ‘O’?”

“I know.” – a little girl replied, holding up her hand.

“Very good.” – said the teacher. “Tell the class.”

“Yeah comes after O” – was the reply.

A farmer grabbed his 10-year-old son and asked, “Did you cut down that cherry tree?”

“Yes, Daddy, I did.” – the boy replied sobbing. “I cannot tell a lie.”

The farmer grabbed the boy, put him on his knee and whaled the tar out of him.

“But, Daddy,” the boy cried, “George Washington’s father didn’t do that to him when he cut down that cherry tree when he was a boy.”

“That’s true,” the father replied, “but George Washington’s father wasn’t sitting in the tree when he cut it down!”

The 5-year-old loved his daddy and hated to see him leave everyday to go to work. He asked his mom, “Mom, why does Daddy have to leave us and go to work everyday?”

Mom replied, “So he can earn money to bring home so that we can pay our bills and put food on the table.”

“Are you saying that if he doesn’t go to work everyday, we will have to eat off the floor?”

“Charles!” exclaimed his mother, “You must not…simply must not pull the cat’s tail!”

“But, Mama,” the boy insisted, “I’m not pulling its tail. I’m just holding on to it. It’s the cat that’s doing all the pulling.”

Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”

Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?”

Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”

Kid: “Mamma, when the fire goes out where does it go?”

Mom: “My dear son, I don’t know. You might just as well ask me where your father goes when he goes out.”

A high school girl, seated next to a famous astronomer at a dinner party, struck up a conversation with him by asking, “What do you do in life?”

He replied, “I study astronomy.”

“Dear me,” said the girl. “I finished astronomy last year.”

Little Bobbie, while at a neighbor’s, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said “Thank you.”

“That’s right, Bobbie,” said the lady. “I like to hear little boys say ‘thank you’.”

“Well,” rejoined Bobbie. “If you want to hear me say it again you might put some jam on it.”

Mother took Willie to his first concert. The conductor was leading the orchestra and directing the soprano soloist as well. Willie was greatly interested.

“Mother, why is that man shaking his stick at the lady?” he asked.

“Hush; he is not shaking his stick at her.”

“Then what is she screaming for?”

“Mother, can I have those apples on the sideboard?”

“Yes, dear!”

“Oh, I am so glad you said yes.”

“Why, are you so hungry?”

“No– but I’ve eaten them already.”

“Papa, what are ancestors?”

“Well, my son, I’m one of yours. Your grandpa is another.”

“Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?”

“What’s the matter with your wife? She looks all broken up.”

“She got a terrible shock.”

“How was it?”

“She was assisting at a rummage sale at the church and she took off her new $2 hat and somebody sold it for 30 cents.”

“How many cigars do you smoke a day?”

“About ten.”

“What do they cost you?”

“Twenty cents a piece.”

“My, that’s two dollars a day. How long have you been smoking?”

“Thirty years.”

“Two dollars a day for thirty years is a lot of money.”

“Yes, it is.”

“Do you see that office building on the corner?”


“If you had never smoked in your life you might own that fine building.”

“Do you smoke?”

“No, never did.”

“Do you own that building?”


A guide, showing an old lady through the Zoo, took her to a cage occupied by a kangaroo.

“Here, madam,” he said, “we have a native of Australia.”

“Good gracious,” she replied, “and to think my sister married one of them.”

“Papa, what is the person called who brings you in contact with the spirit world?”

“A bartender, my boy.”

“When are you going on your vacation?”

“I don’t know. I’ve got to wait until the neighbors get through using my suitcase.”

“Don’t you agree that ‘time’ is the greatest healer?”

“He maybe, but he’s certainly no beauty specialist.”

“I dreamed last night that I had invented a new type of breakfast food and was sampling it when–”

“Yes, yes; go on.”

“I woke up and found a corner of the mattress gone!”

Two kids talking:

“I painted something for last year’s academy.”

“Was it hung?”

“Yes, near the entrance where everybody could see it.”

“Congratulations! What was it?”

“A board saying, ‘Keep To The Left’.”

Friend 1: “Did you know that I had taken up story-writing as a career?”

Friend 2: “No, sold anything yet?”

Friend 1: “Yes, my watch, my saxophone, and my overcoat.”

“What do you find the most difficult thing on the piano?”

“To pay the installments.”

Two girls:

“I’m going to buy a book.”

“A book!”

“Yes, my husband bought me the most adorable reading-lamb yesterday.”

Waiter: “Yes, sir, we are very up to date. Everything here is cooked by electricity.”

Diner: “I wonder if you would mind giving this steak another shock?”

Diner: “Waiter, the portions seem to have got a lot smaller lately.”

Waiter: “Just an optical illusion, sir. Now that the restaurant has been enlarged, they look smaller, that’s all.”

Teacher: “Tell me something about oysters, Johnny.”

Johnny: “They are very lazy. They are always found in beds.”

1. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

2. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

3. I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you’ve seen it.

4. I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

5. Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

7. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

9. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

10. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.

11. Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes

12. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it


13. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

14. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with


15. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

16. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

17. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

18. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

19. Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.

20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

21. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

22. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

23. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

24. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

25. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

26. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

27. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

28. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

29. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him “Sum Ting Wong”.

30. Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.


32. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

33. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

34. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

35. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

36. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

37. I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

38. Lord, if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

39. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

40. Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.

41. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

42. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

43. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

44. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

45. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

46. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.

47. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

48. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

49. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

50. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.

Thats all folks

Breath easy my friends

Graeme xx

6 Replies

I think I can sing ;) - love them Graeme, keep them coming :) xx


You done well today Graeme !

Lib x


:) Thanks for them, you gave me a good smile, loved the rhymes.

:) Anna xx


Thanks so much for putting a smile on my face Graeme :)

Sandra x x x


Thankin you too Julie xx


Thanks, Graeme, for putting a smile on my face!! A really good portion of laughter -- Love Anniseedxx


You may also like...