Before we start our daily laughter, have you got your tissues, is your tea and coffee in a sensible place so you will not spill it whilst laughing and most of all have you all went to the toilet as I am not responsible for little accidents and I will not be responsible for sore ribs..
Well let us begin.
I was speaking to a friend the other night and he said graeme how many times have you been married. Three I replied, the first wife died eating poisoned mushrooms ,
my second wife died eating poisoned mushrooms,
My third wife died of a fracture skull, .....she wouldn't eat the bloody mushrooms.
A young girl went to the Mother Superior and said Mother Superior, Mother Superior I have just been seduced by a man what should I do. The straight laced Mother Superior turned and said go immediately to the kitchen , get a lemon , cut it in half and suck it. Suck a lemon the young girl cried in amazement. Yes said Mother Superior SUCK IT it might take that satisfied look off you face.
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said. Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed. "Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend. "Damn it, Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!"
A 3 legged dog slides into a saloon, someone asked why he was there and the 3 legged dog replied I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw.
Guy take his dog into a pub and the landlord said no dogs allowed in here. The dogs owner replied that it's not a dog it's a blacksmith. The landlord said if you can prove that I will give you beer for life.
The dogs owner picked up a poker and stuck it in the fire, the landlord said what the hell are you doing and the owner said you told me to prove to you that the dog was a blacksmith, is that not right the landlord nodded and said what the hell are you going to do with that white hot poker, prove to you that the dog is a blacksmith, how said the landlord and the dogs owner replies I am going to stick the poker up the dogs arse and just watch him make a bolt for your door.
The newly-weds are in their honeymoon suite and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his pants and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your pants." "And don't forget that" he replies, "I will always wear the pants in this family!" The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies, "I can't get into your panties!" "And you never will if you don't change your attitude."
What is black and white and red all over
You've just read it whose stupid and you thought I was going to say a newspaper. Wrong
Have a great day and I hope your day is filled with joy and laughter.
Thought I was finished did you ha ha ha
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked: "What's on the TV?" I said: "Dust!
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said: "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said: "God, I wish I had your will power.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?: Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine is still alive."
How do men define marriage?: An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said: "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
I decided to give my wife a surprise and had her initials tattooed on my john Thomas. One day I entered the toilet and whilst doing the bizz a tall dark gentleman stood beside me and notice that he had his wife's name also tattooed on his john thomas, I said to him I see that you have your wife's name tattooed on your john thomas as it say W.E.N.D.Y, He replied what are you talking about man I'm not married that says: When you come to barbados have a nice Day.
Well I am now.finished and have a great day and I hope that you enjoyed it