These are al original quotes from our old buddy Phyllis Diller.A lot practical,and every one straight from the hip!!!
House work can't kill you,but why take the chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the path before it stops snowing.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odours:Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Never go to bed mad .Stay up and fight.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home.This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration:set kitchen timer for twenty minutes,cry,rant,and rave,and at the sound of the bell,simmer down and go about business as usual
Aim high and you won't shoot your foot off.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument,a bank has just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our childrens lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds asked me out.I was in his room.
If it weren't for football many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidently got gin in the steam iron
Whatever you may look like,marry a man your own age-as your beauty fades,so will his eyesight.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband,Fang.How about short and cheap.
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Old age is when liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don't do me justice-they look just like me.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Tranquilizers only work if you follow the instructions on the bottle-keep away from children.
I asked the waiter .''Is this milk fresh? He said ''Lady,three hours ago it was grass.''
You know you are old if they have discontinued your blood type
It is a good thing that beauty is only skin deep,or I'd be rotten to the core.
Thre's a new medical crisis.Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?.
BREATHE EASY =FRIENDSHIP
Don't cry,rant and rave.Get off down to your local Breathe Easy group
Join on the day or get details from the friendly BLF Helpline 03000 030 555
Mon-Fri 10am -6pm.