Struggling Wife

[Kaysarasara]

My husband had a Cardiac Arrest last year that resulted in a long hospital stay and a ICD being fitted. He is positive and doing well with the adjustment, I however am not doing so well. I was present during almost all of the attack and subsequent treatment from paramedics etc. I am still suffering from nightmares and am very teary/anxious. I am very aware I do not want to put extra burden on my husband whilst he continues on his recovery, as well as a strain on our relationship . I am interested if this is normal, and how other people have dealt with it.

[Happyrosie]

I’m so sorry for you - you are not alone and this is normal. Two things -

Firstly, your husband probably realises that you are stressed and if you keep telling him everything is hunky-dory he will know ts not - so I think to confide in him would be good. Maybe go out for a little walk together and have a chat (not face to face, side by side is easier.

Secondly, you can be classed as a “carer”. Your local authority can and should provide support. In my case this is the County Council. Look up your council and put “carer support” into their search engine. They can direct you to support groups. Private message me if you need more information.

[Kaysarasara in reply to Happyrosie]

Thank you for your response. I am trying to be open, it does make me feel that I should snap out of it as he was the one who it happened to, but that obviously is not working. There are resources that we can access, am glad to see it’s a pretty normal response to what happened.

[KLuni in reply to Kaysarasara]

It is very normal. When we are witnessing something so frightening happening to the one we love and treasure, we are also affected. Even if we know it might happen, nobody in this world is actually prepared for this. My advice is: start meditating, deep breathing when you have this anxiety creeping out. Think about good moments then focus on the now, something positive and let that anxiety flow through you but do not listen and believe in what your thoughts will be showing to you.

I lost my father to a heart attack when I was 12. It took me 3 years to finally "get over it". And through my life I thought I am ok and I addressed that trauma. Now I am 46 and about a year ago I started to have anxiety that something wrong will happen to my partner when he travels to work or back ( my father got 2 heart attacks when he was travelling). It got so bad that I started to have panic attacks if for example I didn't receive a text from him that he arrived. What helped me to cut like 70% of this anxiety is actually meditation, deep breathing, exercising and understanding that we don't have any control over what , where and when will happen to us or to those we love. So worrying all the time is not a solution whatsoever. Instead, focusing thoughts on now, on positive solutions, stand up a bit to that fear and anxiety and have faith that you will go through anything no matter what and your husband too❤️

Of course I am not saying that you should just snap out of it... No.. it will take time. To get me where I am it took me more that 6 months and I still have 30% to address, but at least anxiety is now more rare and the tension is lower. You will literally be able to talk yourself out of it.

Also, you can ask GP to see a therapist. Sometimes talking can also help to find and address out fears. Most importantly, this kind of sessions can find a solution, which would work for you.

And the most important... Like Rosie said, talking to your husband will help both of you as well. Talk to him when you are ready.

I wish you all the best and hope your husband will recover soon and you will stop having those nightmares and anxiety❤️❤️❤️

[Kaysarasara]

you have summed up such a perfect explanation of what I’m feeling. We all in dark moments imagine what it might mean to lose our husband/wife but for a while I thought I had. It’s almost wishing I do not truly know how that feels, if that makes sense. So sorry about your dad, it must have been very hard. All suggestions are appreciated. Thank you all x

[Shar28]

Hello, in my experience it’s normal. And I think it’s important to acknowledge that you both had shocking and distressing experiences that day. It takes time for each of you to process what happened, from your own perspective, to come to terms with it and learn how to live with it. It can help to have counselling, which your GP should be able to arrange or tell you how to get.

Best wishes to you both.