so I've been told I'm going to undergo the Ross procedure. Having pre-op tests etc over the next month but no date yet, however I'm P2 priority, so it'll before the end of the year.
In discussing the operation my mum boldly said "I hope that you don't expect me to cancel my holiday if your operation date is during it."
thoughts?
So--- one less Seasonal card next December. ?😝
Seriously-- it is very sad when people come up with that attitude.. Perhaps it's just her way of covering her shock- hopefully?
I hope you have other people in your life who will support you.
Good luck with everything.
Really don't think she covered shock as when I looked upset and shocked myself at her statement, my sister attempted to coax me round to thinking that it's ok coz she would be there. I mean not like my mum and I are close but I wouldn't dream of telling my adult child after her appt finding out what procedure etc that she better not inconvenience a holiday... 😔😔😔
As Madlegs1 has said, sometimes people can find it hard to deal with family illness. I guess it’s just their way of coping. I would perhaps try and explain how it makes you feel. Take care, Judi
I don't think there is any point. She would think I was selfish expecting her to lose out on a holiday. I mean, not that I had to cancel mine due to not being medically fit to fly.
I am very sorry to hear that, please know that you have lots of supportive hearties on this forum who will be here for you. In the meantime do take care 🤗Judi
You suggest it’s a rather fraught relationship…….perhaps it will be easier if she’s not around?
That's very sad to hear and I'm really sorry she said that.
I think sometimes that no-one fully realises just what we're going through as they haven't been in our shoes and sometimes they just brush it under the carpet or say you'll be ok when they don't have a clue what we are going through.
As Judi says, maybe you could explain how you feel.
Lily
Hello 
I can only imagine how hearing your Mum say that would be so hurtful at a time like this you need your loved one's to support you
Why she is like this I really do not have a clue as a Mother my adult Children would come before everything
But I hope you have friends that are supportive as the saying goes you cannot pick your family but you can pick your friends !
You will always have our support maybe not quite the same but we do genuinely care so keep telling us how you feel , how you are doing and we will do our best to help x
Thank you. I couldn't imagine saying that to my child, adult or not.
Well shows you have turned out a better person than your Mum and you should feel proud x
Thankfully her ghastly attitude hasnt been past on to you, you are a far better person remember that. And dont FORGET it. Feel flipping sorry for her, I know I would poor things, heartless. If I were nearer I would adopt you myself and support you through everything. xxx
I’ll second that. I have two grown up sons .. one works all hours in his business and the other lives abroad … I’ve got room for a daughter !!! Seriously though try not bother too much you need to concentrate on yourself now and you have a sister there for you. You’re stronger than you think ( that’s what I’ve found out ) so look forward to better health after your procedure ❤️
Hellow Laow, oh dear. She's probably just as worried as you are, but just finds it hard to deal with and show it. In fairness, I might say the same to my children, but they would know I didn't mean it, I hope she doesn't.
Like Bekind said, you have a lot of support through this forum, so please don't worry. If they do go away when your op is planned, lets hope they don't have too good a time 🤞😂😂
Keep well x
Love your reply where you say if they do go away when you have your op lets hope they do not have a good time made me laugh
I agree though even though I did not think of it
Hope you are keeping well x
The comment made me laugh too! 😁 Thank you, Woodsie! 🥰 Case in point..Dear Laow, that’s a pretty rubbish comment to hear, but some of us are just lucky to have Mom’s like that, I guess!! 😉 My brother and sister were both born with Spina Bifida; when I was diagnosed with Crohn’s and told it was a “life-long, incurable chronic disease” my Mom’s one and only comment.. “There’s not one of you that turned out any good!” 😳 I had a massive heart attack and emergency heart surgery overseas at 44.. my Mom sent me an email. An EMAIL!!! 🤦♀️
Just know, it’s NOT a reflection on you, it’s about their (multiple choice) inability to cope, inappropriate response, narcissism, worry, fear, you name it! 😊 You ARE cared for, loved and supported.. turn to your friends, turn here, turn to wonderful nurses and doctors.. but most of all, turn the other cheek to your Mom and ‘send her love’ because she surely needs it! 🙏💕 ..Oh and, just one more little wish for her holiday: a dose of terrible tummy/‘tom tits’ perhaps..??! 😉😁
Keep smiling and much love to you.. 😊💕💕
This has made me laugh to 
It is so good though that out of a very hurtful situation we can see something amusing about peoples reactions and I hope it gives some comfort to the poster knowing it is not just them or anything wrong with them that they have such an unsupportive Mother x
Oh yes runny tummy for all the holiday!! and has to stay in bed for most of it
Thank you thats kind BeKind 🤗
Hope you are well too. I restarted the Bisoprolol this morning, now I have indigestion 🤷♂️ May have to stop again. Steve
Hello
As you can imagine I am not alright but if I said I was you may think something seriously was going wrong
Well I was and am when I pluck up courage changing the Bisoprolol to another med , forgot the name it is and I am dreading it wondering will it be better will I get worse side effects and of course getting anxious !
Get one of those indigestion meds in you and keep of curry
Hope it settles down x
Lets hope it all goes wrong, misses flight, hotel is a dump, cockroaches everywhere as well as rats. Mosquitoes all over the place and lumps and bumps and scratches. Sun burn and all that and runny tummy the whole time and awful people, loads of noise so they cant sleep and everything else I can think of. Birds poop landing on her as she walks along right on top of head, But for you I wish you all the best xx
😂😂😂
Thank you all for your comments. I don't believe this was a reaction to her being scared when for my upcoming angiogram she wanted to coincide a walk round IKEA after...knowing full well it's not jus a dodgy ticker I have but a spinal injury which makes it difficult to walk. I was told they could leave me in the cafe while they go round...yeh sure, no doubt on low, inappropriate seating ...and for how bloody long jus left ruminating over my appointment and results... When I explained for the second time I really didn't feel comfy with the idea I got told I was being ungrateful as they hadn't asked for any contribution towards travel costs!! 🤯Actually hate how ignorant my family is.
Oh my god. I dont suppose you can move out can you and live with others with the same condition there is surely a web site for people with your condition offering housing or a spare room. You need to get out of there.
Oh I live alone... And so single income household makes it difficult to afford the travel...i live on the Isle of Wight so have to cross water to get to Southampton for appointments. Can't drop hours as can't afford to. And to top it all I've developed a painful UTI 😩
Jus love also my mum stated to my aunt that she would not go on holiday if my sister's kids passport didn't arrive so my sister could still enjoy her holiday. (Otherwise my sister would have to stay home with my nephew) but my mum wouldn't stay home when I go to hospital for serious open heart surgery
🤯🤯🤯
I can empathise with you on this one! I've had almost 4 years of it from family & friends . My mum is shocking too ,she keeps saying she was never like me when she was my age & I probably just need to get a grip & forget about my chronic illness, wouldnt that be brilliant if I could just forget it ?! I've had to explain to grown adults the meaning of the word chronic ,I've printed information out so they can understand a bit better & they just cannot grasp it. I've come to the conclusion that they are all just really insensitive, condescending & massively thick!!
I agree....I had been on phone to my sister saying I'm worried about the prospect of open heart surgery and anxious about the testing and what it will reveal as they still aren't quite sure what's causing observed obstruction to flow on echo. Anyway, she told me "oh I know how u feel ...I'm anxious that we don't get my son's passport in time so we can all go on holiday" 🙈🙈🙈🙄🙄🙄🙈🙈🙈
Bless you. Keep heart xx
All I can say is, some people don't know what it's like to be ill. I can remember when I was about 17 wondering why older people kept on about illnesses. Now, both myself and the friend I said it too who agreed with me at the time, well we both know why and talk about our illnesses to each other a lot. We laugh thinking how lucky we were to be young and ailment free!
That was a particularly hurtful thing for your mum to say and I wonder if she regrets it now? I remember once having a really bad AF attack and rang my eldest daughter to see if she would come and be with me, her answer was she couldn't because she had to walk her dog. those remarks really sting don't they.
No probably doesn't regret it. Probably sat botching about me to my sister about how selfish I am expecting then to take me to hospital nd not go to IKEA after...and my sister agreeing because she wants mum to pick up stuff from IKEA....and dad not arguing because his life is easier that way as he's chronically ill too....and then I say fine I will go with a friend or on my own with a wheelchair, and I get shouted at for being ungrateful and cutting my nose off to spite my face.
Oh how sad. I am thinking of you. As they age they will get ill I assure you and then they will be calling on you for help.
I fully understand how you feel, when I had a heart attack at 38 my mothers reaction was "I suppose that's my fault" and my father didn't speak to me - No concern for how I was but then I remembered that when I was at primary school I just so wished I was an orphan as my parents were not nice people, my elder brother was treated like a king but clothes for me all came from a jumble sale and one Christmas I got a dolls pram which a neighbour had put out for rubbish collection. Never did find out why they treated me so differently. couldn't wait to leave school and then I could leave home which I did at aged17. My friends have been more of family to me than my biological family. As others on here have said you have lots of support here, I know it is not the same as family being there for you but we all care. Best wishes.
Bless you. Thats there loss not yours.
Hi I am sorry to hear this it rings home to me too unfortunately😞I had a breakdown few years and my mother was too busy “ playing bridge” Then I had open heart surgery last year and had valves replaced,not only did I have no compassion she moved back to South England and don’t hear from her so unfortunately there are narcissistic people who sometimes are your parents 😞I’ve learned to not let it get to me but it is so very tough,thinking of you friend.
Omg this entirely. It's a horrible feeling to be so unloved
Worry can manifest itself in many different ways
Hi are you sure mum was being serious, maybe mum initial reaction was from fear and she didn't mean it. Check in with her again. Has she been supportive in the past? 🫂
Nope she meant it. As I was supposed to be fine my sister would be here. No disrespect to my sister but a child kinda wants its parent in times of fear/worry.. and that continues right til the time you die I think.
Hello I underwent a Ross - Pears procedure last October, during Covid when nobody could come to visit me. On top my parents live in Italy and I was operated at the Royal Brompton in London. I understand how lonely it can feel, but while you are there you need first to be focused on yourself, your body and mind.
If you need any info about the Ross, give me a shout. :-). Fabio
Just accept as it’s her nature to be like this. You will never change her .You might have answered “ No I don’t expect you to cancel your holiday and pleased your going as you would be no comfort or help for me “
Sending you much love and best wishes 💕💕💕
I know some people try to make excuses. But my mother is the same. She didn't bother to call to find out how my son's MRI turned out. They were checking for a brain tumour and he was only 12 years old. Her own grandson! And quite frankly there is nothing worse than people making excuses for selfish behaviour. It doesn't make us feel better. It just invalidates the hurt we are feeling. Some people are (even mothers) uncaring. Some children are scapegoats when parents don't give a damn if they are dying and other children are the golden children where a cut finger is a catastrophe. It's more common than you think. And telling your mother how it feels won't make a bit of difference as they have no empathy for you. In fact, the worse off I am the more it seems to make my mother happy.
When some people shouldn't be parents but they do become parents because they are expected to be. People aught to take psychological tests before they are allowed to have children and sterilized if they are unsuitable.
Totally agree. Entirely selfish.
Looks like an Agony Aunt situation , like them not a lot people can do on a forum.
Looks like a two options scenario 1 Give your mother a hug and tell her you understand or 2 tell her you understand she doesn't give a t**s and your not worried about it.
If I have read your post correctly the Situation may not arrive, so don't fret about it the dates may not clash !!!!
Regards
❤️🥲
Perhaps it was not knowing how to deal with your situation made her say something such as that. Hopefully your mother will realise what she has said and change her opinion after some contemplation.
Not nice, how awful from you own mother. Sadly it is all too common. Be nice and say of course not I wouldnt expect you to do something like that and I hope you have a lovely time and smile the whole while, but hope the holiday goes awry or something like that, but one thing to do is keep smiling at her and behave as if you couldnt care less. I hope you have others in your life, but we are here for you so remember that. I expect your mother has always been like that in all ways. It will all go well for you. Good luck and keep smiling. I would feel sorry for her actually. We luvs yer.
I'm praying for a cancellation or strike or shitty weather or food poisoning 🤣
Dear Laow
I had a strong mother that opened her mouth before putting her brain into gear and used to come out with some of the most incredible self-centred lines.
When I was ill with cancer { a life time ago } I had similar lines used on me like “ I’ve brought you up and I’m not going to nurse you now your adult” etc etc.
My answer was to make out that I was doing fine without her help, she soon came back into “ my poor sweet son is ill “ mode and to be honest I don’t know which was worse !
My family is my family but that doesn’t give them automatic rights to my love, nor do I demand it from them.
So very wise… 🙏❤️
Lots of stuff being said on this thread, that I want to explore!
When we are ill we can and should both expect to give our loved ones a bit of help. But there are limits, and sometimes one can become very, very needy and maybe even unreasonably demanding. Some carers leave.
Reading the posts here I do wonder if many are interested in, and explore the carers viewpoint.
Have we asked them what it’s now like to live with us, someone who is chronically ill, day after day. Year after year. Have we listened and acted on their replies? The carer is often losing the life they expected, too.
Of course a chronically ill person has needs, but so has the carer.
And it’s not simply a woman man thing, as suggested. A recent University of Oxford study shows that statistically women support men just as much as the other way round.
I'd be interested in that study if you remember more details.
My mother is not my carer. I live alone and work full time from home. In my work I deal with both patients and carer perspectives, so yes, I would consider that..... if it were the case.But she isn't. So albeit a fair point, and interesting, it doesn't respond to my point quite. But appreciate the input and info.
Hi Laow, having had to go no or low contact with most of my family due to emotional (and historically other types of) abuse, I can empathise with your position. Many people have said about shock and coping and as valid as that may be, some people are not capable of practising care and understanding. You will know yourself what relationship you have with your mum and others. My personal experience with family was recognising that they had always been critical of me, never been able to praise and be supportive and always pitting the rest of us against each other for affection. Their own unresolved trauma left them in a position where they traumatized the next generation. I'm not suggesting this is your experience, however, I know how difficult it can be to piece together especially at such a stressful time. I thankfully had cut them off just before my valve replacement, their involvement, inconsistencies and abuse would have been too detrimental to my health Wishing you the best
You actually know... I also get the ,"coping" etc things people have written but I just think her actions to how she would cancel the holiday for my sister to go if her son's passport hasn't arrived... But not for me going for surgery.Oh yeh, the holiday they are all going on without me.
Get a new mum😱
I am on hospital with infective Endocarditis and have just undergone open heart Mitral valve surgery as part of the fix. My daughter is working in New Zealand. I have done everything possible to play down the seriousness of the situation. She wanted to come home just to see me but I've said with all the modern technology (we video call at least a couple of times a week) whatever is the point. It's 4 days travelling at great cost to a 25 year old to sit by a hospital bed for a few hours
I'm am dying with terminal cancer I cone from a very large family nit one of them even brothers have Co tacted me Fri nd likewise I'm sure they thj k it catching there loss my son is my rock 100% with me all the way comes to all appointments and sits eith me during chemo ur mum asher reason but I cancel if it were my son
Bless you and your beautiful son. 🙏❤️ May you cherish and find great comfort in your days together.. 🤗💕💕💕
Well my mum would say the same
I think she is a mother not a mum to be honest.
My heart breaks for you at such lack of simple human kindness from someone whose "job description" is to care for their child, no matter what age you are. It is just simple human decency to provide support to anyone in such circumstances, when we are scared and might need some help, let alone your own mother. There are absolutely no excuses for such behaviour. This is pure selfishness on your her part. It might be possible that this was a silly joke, but such jokes are hurtful, and in bad taste.
Unfortunately I know exactly how you feel, I was left entirely by myself to cope when after pacemaker op I have damaged also my right shoulder and could not even wash myself, cook my meals, or change my bedding for several long weeks, I could not drive, shop etc.
I have 2 grown up children, who briefly appeared to see me after op, but could not get away quickly enough when the problems developed, and I became quite disabled as I kept hurting myself.
They used excuse of covid lockdown in order not to bother to help in any way, even if carers were allowed to visit. They did not help even after lockdown was over.
I coped, but it affected my recovery and in the end they broke my heart. It is hard to discover how little some people care.
I hope you will get enough support, but I understand very well how disappointed and hurt you must feel by your mother's attitude.
So sad that people are like this. Id tell her how that comment made you feel, send her away on her holiday and find someone more caring to look after you post op. I know shes your Mum but you wont change her, dont try, you'll create more problems than its worth. You can love her, you dont have to like her. I hope you have plenty of other caring people round you to help
I couldn’t agree more with lacylady.👍x
I suppose I am lucky as if anyone in my family said that you would know they would cancel if necessary and that is what they are telling you. When first diagnosed was told the clear out my house otherwise it would it would all end up in a skip also that I have to live to 100 , as they did not to look after their son alone.
Having undergone open heart surgery, I would have thought that you had enough stress on without this. I send you my best wishes. My wife was fantastic throughout the process. I cannot thank her enough. We had to cancel our planned holiday to Jamaica. Fortunately, we got our TUI deposit back via holiday insurance. Keep ,us posted as to how you go. I read about the Ross procedure prior to my operation but was not offered that. May have been due to having the aortic valve and aortic root both replaced.
I have a mother like yours ! I’m 60 now so I’m used to her , walk away emotionally now and don’t look back . Look after you My son had had three heart surgeries and my mum told me I was lucky as she has me and my son to worry about , all rubbish as when I talk about him and what I’m worried about she changes the subject .
It’s not her coping mechanism as I’ve heard people tell me that to , she just thinks about herself and yours does too.
I was diagnosed 8 years ago with Corticobasal degeneration, a rare neurological condition, it’s terminal and my mum again tells me it’s ok for me and I’ve no idea what it’s doing to her . I could write a book and so could my brother and sister.
I wish I’d walked away years ago
It’s her loss . You have a lot of people here who do care and know what you’re going through ps I hope she has a rotten holiday too 😡
Absolutely disgusted. How do people sleep at night. She could have the holiday anytime. Have you not supported her in the past or in her opinion you haven't and its payback time. Just a thought How people are sometimes. Hope everything goes well for you. Brian
Being part of a family should mean more than a technical connection by DNA. You need emotional as well as physical support and it seems it's simply not to be had where most would expect to find it; within their own family. Given your situation, I suggest you distance yourself both emotionally and physically from those who'd rather be anywhere else than in your company when you need support. Being around people who don't care about your situation will very likely raise your stress levels and that's the last thing you need. I suggest you look to wider/extended family, good friends, local support groups and online support (such as this forum) to help get you through what lies ahead. The person you can most rely upon is you.
BHF local support info can be found at: bhf.org.uk/informationsuppo...
Families and Heart
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Palpitations/fast beats - all the women in my family 
