One year on and trying to be positive

[redimps]

One year today since massive STEMI and a year of ups and downs with post heart attack complications, currently waiting for appointment at Leicester. Trying so hard to be positive in the face of a massive change to my life. Lost my job as a result of heart attack ( dreadfully unsupportive employer ) so feel as though I have lost my independence, along with my income and a family/husband who offer no emotional support and can't/don't understand the issues. Very grateful to still be here and take pleasure in grandchildren, walking my dog etc but oh how I would love to go back to pre one year ago and have my life back! Sorry for the post but feeling a bit fragile today

[Hidden]

Hello

I understand how you feel if only as I say I could go back in time but regretfully we can't and it can be so hard

I to struggle and always feel delicate and life does not feel the same as it did

Someone on here said to me once it is about finding the new you , the new life now after your heart events and that rang so true , the old one I cannot have back but I can make a new one even though I am still struggling to find what that is

Unless you are going through something even family cannot understand but those on here can and I hope it has helped to post and get it all out knowing you are not alone

Try and not easy but look forward make a new chapter in what I think life can be like a book as one chapter closes another opens x

[redimps in reply to Hidden]

Thankyou so much for those kind words and it does help knowing I am not alone and others have these feelings. I am quite shocked to feel this way today, didn't really expect it , very weepy and down which is not like me, people have said that they cannot believe how well I have coped and got over what happened but actually what they are not realising is that I haven't. I am struggling to find what the new life is but will keep trying hard to find it and hopefully will find that next chapter. Thankyou again x

[Hidden in reply to redimps]

Hello

Maybe holding it all in so long it has to come out eventually and today it has and I think this is quite normal

Come and talk with us whenever you need to it helps to let out how we feel :-

I hope as the day goes on it gets better x

[redimps in reply to Hidden]

Thankyou so much x

[Hidden in reply to redimps]

x

[momander]

Hello😁I am so sorry to hear that you feel this way. It is so very difficult for others who have not experienced anything that we have, to truly understand and be able to say the right things to us!!! I think its only people like "us" that really understand what it feels like to have had our experiences. I have often cried and cried and said that I wished I could go back 2 years when I was fit and healthy and had no heart problems at all!!! BUT little did I know that I DID have heart problems and my life was NOT healthy!!! I crave the things I did before!!! smoking and drinking and having my lovely treats after dinner!!! All of these things were bad for me!!! Had it not been for my heart attack I would NEVER have stopped smoking, then drinking, then eliminating all snacks, sweets etc from my diet. For 15 months I have not smoked or had a drink and have had no sweets, treats, or snacks......then out of the blue comes another heart attack!!! I am still trying to process it all and just feel cheated and really angry because I have done everything right!!! I can completely understand how you feel as when you have a heart attack it takes a wee piece of you with it!!! I will never be the same again!!! everything has changed, and I have to find the new me!!?? I have no idea who the new me is yet?? The new life??? That is also a bit of a struggle just now as I am only 2 weeks post op from having another stent. I hope that you find support here. Anytime you feel you need it, just write all your thoughts down and post it. There is always someone here who will understand and try to help you. Its early days and so its baby steps. We will get through this, it just takes time

[redimps in reply to momander]

Hello momander, thankyou so much for your reply and I am so sorry to hear the continuing issues you are having and hope you are doing ok. I can understand why you feel cheated and angry. You are right in that only those that it has happened to can understand how it feels. I also have no idea what the 'new me' looks like but hopefully I can find it and hope you do to. Thankyou for your kind words, I am sure that my intense feelings today are a blip, ( not helped by 'a relative' telling me last night 'well it's a year now, you need to move on and forget about it' didn't help, I am usually so positive and as you say we will get through this, it just may take a little time. Take Care

[Cee-Cee1 in reply to redimps]

Don't listen to those relatives Redimps - they haven't had what we had and they REALLY don't understand!! They don't understand the worry that comes with every twinge or ache or the wondering if everything's pumping away nicely in there and behaving itself! xox

[redimps in reply to Cee-Cee1]

Ah thankyou and you are so right, thankyou for replying and your kind words x

[Heyjude31]

Hello redimps, I do hope your day has improved a little. Please do try and be kind to yourself, although it is a year I think personally it is still early days. We are all different, I had CABG x 4, 9 months ago and each day I try to be grateful for my recovery and be positive. However this can be difficult and sometimes the slightest thing can trigger feelings of hopelessness and worry. I was looking at a photo of my mum yesterday who passed away12 years ago and I just started to cry……these feelings sometimes come from nowhere and we just try to manage as best we can.

Try and remember how far you have come and recognise how well you have done so far. I think the comment about being ‘able to move on as it’s been a year’ is not helpful, though undoubtedly no hurt was intended.

Look after yourself, take time, be kind to you and if possible indulge in some hobby or pastime that you enjoy. In time we will find our ‘new you’ but it does take time, and for me no one has the right to tell us how long this should take.

We hearties are here to support each other, do reach out when ever you need to. 🤗🤗Judi

[Heyjude31]

Hi redimps, me again. I meant to mention you saying how much you enjoy your grandchildren, it was not possible to have children myself, though I am fortunate enough to have step grandchildren. Perhaps, not surprisingly, for me, the best word invented is Nanna, and when I hear that my newly plumbed heart sings every time. x 🤗😊

[redimps in reply to Heyjude31]

Hello and thankyou for both of your posts and how lovely to hear you say when you hear the word Nanna your newly plumbed heart sings, it puts everything into perspective and I know just what you mean. Thankyou for your kind words, today has been a real struggle and I can't even pinpoint why and wasn't something I expected. I so understand about crying over your Mum's picture, I never used to but now become emotional over all sorts. I am sure you are right in that no hurt was intended over the very inept comment. I sometimes feel guilty that this has happened and the impact it has had on others, as well as feeling frustrated and feeling as though I should be moving on even though I still have heart issues and am awaiting further treatment. I will continue to try and find the new me and I wish you well in your continued recovery. x

[Heyjude31 in reply to redimps]

Please never feel guilty. Take good care and be kind to you, my heartfelt best wishes for your ongoing treatment and recovery. 🤗

[redimps in reply to Heyjude31]

Thankyou x

[Hollyxyz13]

Hello.you are not on your own.we are all sending you lots of good wishes and support.

[redimps in reply to Hollyxyz13]

Thankyou very much, it is so appreciated

[Cee-Cee1]

I know exactly what you mean Redimps - I remember saying to my brother a couple of weeks after my op, that I just want the 'normality' back (for want of a better word) and I'm still coming to terms with the fact that this is the new 'normal'! Although, when I think back, I do actually feel a bit healthier now than I did during the year preceding the HA. (That preceding year really was awful, it was just one thing after another. My older brother suddenly died (65) and my Mum (91) passed away too. Mum hadn't left a will, there was all the nonsense about probate, selling the house etc. etc. and I'd been putting the chest pains down to stress.)

After the triple bypass I had in February, that loss of independence was one of the worst things for me. I live alone and don't have children and having to rely on my young brother and older sister for a few while left me feeling dreadful. I can't complain about my employer though, they've been great - although I don't get paid when I'm off work!

After my HA and before the op I asked the consultant for a time frame and told her that she had to be brutally honest with me. She said that patients had told her it felt like being hit by a bus and what they generally told people was that in six months we'd start to feel properly better. She then added - "but, to be honest, six months is no time at all and I don't really expect people to feel fully better for at least a year - and that includes accepting that this would be their new normal". I appreciated her frankness and told her so.

So, I'm back to work on a phased return this Monday (four mornings a week for a while to see how it goes) and it's exactly five months to the day since my bypass op. The consultant saying that if would take a year makes me feel that my recovery has been great and gives me hope for the future. I'm 62, so four more years to go - although I could get used to this 'retirement' feeling especially now that I feel better!

I do hope you feel better soon. We seem to be lovely bunch on this forum and I'd recommend dropping in for a yarn or even just to vent at the unfairness of it all - because everyone here understands! Carol x

[redimps in reply to Cee-Cee1]

Oh my goodness you have had so much to cope with. I really hope your return to work goes well. I wish my employer had been supportive, I loved my job and really wanted to go back but when I started to have emails about having to have uncomfortable meetings on my first day back, my team not wanting to work with me ( I had a massive heart attack in the office whilst working, very nearly didn't make it!) and changing my job role without discussing it with me, I decided all the stress wasn't worth it. It has been a blow to loose my job, income and independence. Yesterday was so difficult and didn't expect it to be, it was a shock to feel how I did but feeling much more reflective today and the replies I received have helped so much. Thankyou again and good luck for Monday x

[Cee-Cee1 in reply to redimps]

Thank you for your very kind wishes Redimps - I'm hoping Monday goes well too. I'll just be taking each day as it goes and will see how I get on - I appreciate that I'm really lucky with my bosses. That's a really awful way for your employer to treat you and makes me bl**dy angry, to be frank. The very fact that they all saw what happened to you, should have made them well aware that the stress they were putting on you afterwards definitely wouldn't help your recovery - GRRRR! I know you loved your job but I honestly feel that you're much better off not working for a company like that who sound as if they don't value their committed staff at all.

Just enjoy those grandchildren and walking the dog and knowing that you will get better in time. No matter how optimistic our temperaments might be, I think we all agree that it's totally natural and completely normal to have an 'off' day after what we've all been, and are still going, through - it wouldn't be normal if we didn't! I also think it's brilliant to have this site to turn to where it's possible to find such fantastic support on both good days and bad.

I've always loved wildlife and I find being out among nature really helps when I'm feeling a bit down - I can lose myself in it. I've an almost tame little Robin in the back garden (he - or she - is a cheeky little article and never fails to make me smile once I've recovered when he frightens the life out of me landing at my feet) and he even tootles into the kitchen occasionally. I've a lot of squirrels and loads of other birds too and my visiting hedgehog's come back again this year - YAY (the hedghogs' return REALLY pleases me - I love them!). I can't fail to be happy when I get to interact with them all every morning and night when I'm leaving their food out - even though the rascally squirrels dig up all my bulbs! Yes, being out in nature really does it for me.....😄

Take care and look after yourself and please come back for another wee yarn! xox

[redimps in reply to Cee-Cee1]

Ah what a really lovely message. I absolutely know you are right about my work and it made me very upset and angry but I now realise it wasnt worth those feelings, dreadful way to treat anyone. Oh it sounds lovely having all the wildlife around you. I love gardening and feeding the many birds we have so that helps me to relax. We also have a Robin which comes regularly although not quite as tame as yours! I hope you enjoy being back to work and it works well for you. I will definitely be back on the site, people have been so kind. Take care , do let me know how it goes x

[Jetcat]

You’ll get there redimps, it’s still early days yet don’t forget. One year is no time.? Try stay strong.👍x

[redimps in reply to Jetcat]

Thankyou so much for those kind words

[Ewloe]

Sorry for the long post I just relate to your story.

I’ve only just seen your post. 29th July will be my 12 months post STEMI, arrest and subsequent cardiac arrhythmia’s that I’m seeing an electrophysiologist for beginning of august for further treatment. I agree life is different now. The physical and mental/emotional consequences, the medications and the thinking of going back to work that I thought about initially all have an impact. My husband and my daughter have been my support but my husband freely admits he doesn’t know how to cope with anything emotional. And whilst my daughter tries those who haven’t visited this situation won’t get where you’re coming from. Little comment’s they’ve made have made me think they think I’m not coping. At first I believed those comments when really I am coping. They just don’t get what I need to do to manage things. I’m not going back to work. The Nhs are not caring towards staff and offered me rubbish. I’ve accepted that now I see it that I’ve just moved to a different phase in life sooner than planned. Acceptance is a word to make friends with. It doesn’t mean standing still and I’ve gradually increased my exercise again and met new people in the process.

Surprisingly a few months ago anxiety raised its head. I’ve no idea why at that point and not just after the stemi so I’m seeing a counsellor which at the moment is helping Talking to someone outside the family might be helpful to you.

You are coping!!!! It might be differently than you would like but you are. Others see the you before your stemi and may expect you to be like that again. That’s their problem not yours so leave it with them. Concentrate on you here and now.

For my 12 months I’ve arranged a weekend away to a nice hotel. Something positive. As I’m still here to enjoy it.

Please keep me updated how your getting on

[redimps in reply to Ewloe]

Hi Thankyou so much for your response and kind and wise words. I can relate to all you have said. I hope you have a positive response with your continued treatment. I had a further angioplasty 4 weeks ago and am awaiting an appointment to see a specialist cardiologist at Leicester. It is all such a change isn't it? It is interesting that you say about not returning to work and interesting that it is the NHS. I worked for a wellbeing charity and they couldn't have been less supportive, it amazes me that these sectors have this kind of attitude. I try and tell myself I am lucky to be here and I do know that and am grateful for that and what I have but some days it is so hard. It especially was on my one year on day which I wasn't expecting at all. I will take your advice and concentrate on the here and now and think I need to try and join some groups etc to meet new people.

Enjoy your one year break ( wish I had thought about doing that! and I will keep you update

Thankyou again x

[22alfie]

Omg! What a awful time with work hubby etc. Yes I'm only 9 weeks into it I have ups and downs but I t fantastic support from my family and friends and appreciate all. My hubby got me a lovely puppy to get me out as I was getting down and thinking is this it house telly etc but I'm now felling more positive and thinking of the future and things I still want to do. Glad to be here but I know a long way to go yet. I hope you get a more positive feeling soon sad to hear your thoughts of despair... 🥺 Keep thinking positive thoughts 😘

[redimps in reply to 22alfie]

Ah thankyou for your reply and I hope you are doing well in your recovery. I am so pleased you have got such good support, it must make all the difference. Despite the fact I have some significant heart problems remaining a family member said to me recently ' its a year now so you must be better and you need to get over it' ! Not helpful!! I am feeling a little more positive and have decided to look for some volunteering or maybe a very part time job. Enjoy your new puppy, my lovely and very lively dog has been such a godsend to me over the past few months and it is lovely to be able to spend more time with him now. Good luck in your continued recovery x

[22alfie in reply to redimps]

I hope your family member doesn't have to go though what your are going through. This is a lifetime condition and the mental effects are so confusing. sorry for their ignorance 🙁 keep talking and look to the future. 😘

Good

[redimps in reply to 22alfie]

Thankyou, What a beautiful picture, Take Care x