Parents started smoking again - British Heart Fou...

British Heart Foundation

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Parents started smoking again

Kezza80 profile image
11 Replies

Any tips on how to encourage my parents to cut back on the cigarettes? Both have heart issues (cardiac arrest, stents, several HAs and a double bypass and the other STEMI and stents and low EF although this is much better now). I've been there every time they've needed to go to hospital/call an ambulance, and prepare for CPR and had to ring when dad was rushed in to see if he was even alive. Now they've started smoking again and mam seems to have a rollie or tab in her hand every time I see her.

I know they are adults but I literally can't keep watching them have heart attacks when they don't care that much about the effects of smoking.

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Kezza80 profile image
Kezza80
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11 Replies

Very very difficult one Kezza!!! Before my HA 14 weeks ago I was a smoker of between 10 and 15 a day!!! When I had a HA i got the fright of my life and was in hospital for3 days on my own with no visitors. I was absolutely petrified!! It was the wake up call I needed. I decided there and then I would never smoke again!!! I really enjoyed smoking and never thought I would give up!!! I have no intention of ever having one again and I don't miss it at all!!! It was such a big part of my life. Its a mindset thing I think? For me, the pain of my HA and being so uncertain of my future made me decide to just stop!! Cold turkey!! I think you have to want to stop!? It doesn't matter how much advice you get of the health benefits of stopping, as you have to want to!!! Its an addictive drug, and even now I can remember the pleasure of lighting up and enjoying all my cigarettes!!! I guess for me, my health and being given a second chance at life was more important than smoking. I wish it hadn't taken a HA to make me stop.

Pollypuss profile image
Pollypuss in reply to

Well done re: cold turkey . I gave up smoking 45 years ago and because my pre triple bypass tests were all normal the consultant attributed my heart problem to smoking all those years ago . When I see young children smoking and even vaping I want to show them the scar- although now faint-which is the consequence of smoking all those years ago. There is no easy way out of that revolting habit other than to stop. It can be done cold turkey and enormously character building

If the shock of a heart attack won't do it for them I'm sorry to say I don't know what will.My Father was just the same after his heart attack, 20 un tipped cigarettes a day, three pints of bitter a day and the frying pan was out twice a day with plenty of salt on his food. When we questioned his choices his reply was "what else have I got to look forward to"....to him a life without the things he liked wasn't worth living.

He passed away at 65 after suffering a further heart attack.

Kezza80 profile image
Kezza80 in reply to

Hi John, Im very sorry to hear about your dad 😪. I fear your situation will be my situation too and it really scares me. Your totally right... if what they've gone through isn't going to make them stop, nothing will. I'm just not sure how much more I can cope with supporting them after 7 years of regular HAs and all of the worry it causes. I suppose it's up to me to learn to live with.it as best I can.

Thanks for your reply and take care 🙂

Can I ask how old they are?

Kezza80 profile image
Kezza80 in reply to

Hi Gary, my Mam is 63 and Dad is 62.

Chappychap profile image
Chappychap

You say "smoking again", did they both stop and then both re-start? If so, do you know what caused them to start smoking again?

If there was some identifiable trigger that pushed them back to smoking then maybe that's a clue as to how they might get back on the right track again?

I feel for you, it's terrible watching family hurt themselves like this, but I guess at the end of the day how adults choose to live their lives is their decision. All you can really do is be there for them whatever the outcome.

Kezza80 profile image
Kezza80 in reply to Chappychap

Hello, thanks for your reply 😊. Mam eventually stopped after her bypass in July 2020 and she was using her little nicotine pipe from the hospital. Dad stopped after his HA in Dec 2020 and when dad started again in Feb 2021, so did Mam. They were feeling better so OK to start again. They both say they enjoy smoking... their lives revolve around it. Dad couldn't cope and was really irritable all of the time. I personally don't think he gave it enough time but thats me. I'm trying to sort a coping strategy for me, which will prob be just not going round as much so I don't see it.

Shar28 profile image
Shar28

Hello, it’s an awkward, frustrating and upsetting situation in my experience. But you can’t change your parents. It’s tough to hear but they’re addicts. It’s so very hard, but all you can change is what you can do something about...your own emotions. I was told that to become accepting of their choices as they stand, whilst not condoning those choices, is the ideal as it frees your relationship with them from “stuff” and let’s you enjoy them as they are, whilst you can. The “how” is the most difficult bit and something I never managed with my dad. He smoked all of his adult life and his diet consisted of plenty of fat etc. He died of sudden cardiac arrest when he was 74. His attitude was that without the smoking and diet he enjoyed, life wasn’t worth living. Even having family who loved him and wanted him to be around for a very long time in a healthy condition, playing with his grandchildren etc wasn’t enough for him to even tweak his lifestyle. I was so hurt by that. It felt like he didn’t love us like we loved him. It devastated me when he died, not just because he was t here any more but because hope had gone. It wasn’t until I had counselling that I was able to move on from it.

I hope my tale doesn’t make you feel hopeless about your particular situation. Your parents aren’t my dad, everyone’s different. I hope the advice I was given may provide a way forward for you. Perhaps try counselling if you haven’t already to help you come to terms with the situation and deal with it in a way that doesn’t stress you so much.

Best wishes

Kezza80 profile image
Kezza80 in reply to Shar28

Hello, thank you for taking the time to reply. I know I can't get them to stop... nothing will other than them not being here any more. A harsh reality but true. I had some counselling I'm Feb 2021 however they hadn't started up again at that point. I feel, like you, like they don't love me enough and dont understand what they are putting me through. Sounds a bit selfish when I write it down like that, I just can't help it. 7 years of regular HAs for mam and then add in dad's HA and resulting mild heart failure has just worn me out. Thanks again and take care 🙂

Bishop1 profile image
Bishop1

Hello Kezza 80. Sorry to read your post. You're an amazing person. You stand by your parents. My brother was he same. He even smoked I the hospital and drank. So called friends took him fag s miniatures whisky every day. I was the bad one. Lived 2 more years. Died at 68. . Such a waste of life. Please take care of yourself x x

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