Spouse

[sellio]

My husband had a heart attack a few weeks ago and then had a triple bypass. He’s at home and recovering well. My problem is me. I feel so low and depressed. Why is this? Does anyone else relate to this.

[080311]

Hello sellio

I am not a spouse of someone who has had a heart issue, I am the one who had open heart surgery for a new aortic valve and bypass. Our partners have to take so much when we have our problems, they have to stay strong keep telling us we are going to be alright, all the while being scared out of their skins.

Being low and depressed as you say, I would think is a reaction to everything you have both been through in the past few weeks. The patient is looked after by a medical team but the partner is left to fend for themselves.

If these feelings are getting beyond you a word with your GP could be a way to go, as time goes on and you see your partner improving hopefully your depression will start to ease the fear of what if will decrease.

Best wishes Pauline

[bantam12]

Really not unusual to feel that way, I've been there and got the tshirt many times over ! Events like this not only change the patients life but also change the partners life yet few people care if we are ok.

I would say talk to your GP but that depends on your GP, when my husband died I never heard a word from his or my GP !

[Merch03]

Hi

Totally understandable. You have both gone through enormous (life)change - this will need an appropriate amount of time to process.

You may well be coping with this trauma better than you perhaps realise. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

Not as easy as people think being the role of a supportive partner. This takes a lot of mental and physical energy - which in turn can relate In a drop in energy levels and positivity.

Best wishes to both of you.👍

[Nettekin]

Hi sellio. As others have said this is an entirely normal reaction. Don't add to your stress by trying to fight it. Accept that what you have both been through is terrible. Having accepted it you can then start to move forward. Use this experience to reassess both of your lifestyles. Eat well, exercise (gently at first) and ensure your husband takes all his medication. Arm yourself with knowlege. Conjecture and guesswork is too scary! Monitor your own mood and seek help if you need it, but it is very early days. I often think it is 'easier ' for the patient than the family. As patients we are looked after and it is easy to forget the struggle that our spouses go through. Sending very best wishes to you both. X

[Shar28]

Hello, My husband was diagnosed with a life changing heart condition 4 years ago. It was a huge shock for both of us. It takes time to comes to terms with, each from your own perspective - patient and wife. But the initial shock wears off and things settle in time. I found I grieved for the life I thought we had, the future I thought we would have and the vigorous man my husband was. We’ve adapted and have a genuinely good life.

The BHF nurses are brilliant when you phone them and I had counselling after a couple of years that really helped me move forward (arranged for free through work). It’s early days for you and your husband and I think your feelings are entirely normal as others have said above.

Take care and best wishes to both of you.

[MountainGoat52]

I had a heart attack, stents and then a triple bypass the following year. It was an extremely stressful year for my wife, far far more so than for me. I was experiencing a situation in which she was just an onlooker. I was looking at a long term goal, all she could see were short term problems, all of which incidentally did not happen.

Keeping a positive attitude is extremely important for both of you. Look to the future when he will be fully recovered. Plan to do things together and if you have separate interests, I hope that you can encourage each other in them. I well remember my first day back hill walking - I had a lovely day. My wife spent the day worrying even though I was in regular contact by text. It is only natural.

My very best wishes for your future together,

Gerald

[Hidden]

After heart attack / stent etc my wife worried about things much more than I did. She was particularly concerned I would push myself too far too fast. After many conversations on that subject she accepted that only I could judge what I could and could not do. Probably more difficult as an ‘onlooker’!

[Handel]

I can really relate to the way you're feeling. I was putting on a brave face and being quite 'matter of fact' about my husband's quad bypass. If I'd broken down then my husband would have got worse! Being the carer and worrier really takes it out of you. I lost a stone in a couple of months for no reason other than I was stressed out and bottling it all up! At that point, I believed the cancer, that was in remission, had come back!!

Try to talk to someone if you can - it doesn't have to be a medical person. Just offloading can be a big help.

I found this forum a brilliant start as lovely people were coming back with their experiences and gave so much support.

You're not alone so keep on posting when you need to.

Love and best wishes to both of you. Jan xxxx

[Chickenlou]

Hi Sellio

I’m the fiancé of a heart patient - CABG x 3 in January 2020 whose had a few complications along the way and some other health issues too.

I can relate to how you feel and you REALLY need to take time for yourself, even if it’s just nipping to the shops or meeting a friend for coffee. (My “me” time in the first few weeks was in the bath!) I know it’s hard and you will worry.

I was lucky in some ways as I had to go back to work after 2 weeks, I was terrified about leaving him alone but I had to do it. He was fine and i think glad to not have me staring at him 24/7! At that point he started doing more for himself (within the guidelines from the hospital) and he improved quickly.

I have had periods of everything getting to me (especially when all of my support disappeared overnight, in the first lockdown) I think I’ve grieved for our old life and what should/could have been.

Some days are still very hard, but then I remember his surgeon saying he was lucky, as the main blockage in his heart was in the area that normally causes a massive and often fatal heart attack - but he had early symptoms so that fortunately didn’t happen. The main thing is he’s still here.

Keep posting and talking (you can message me if you’d like 😊)