New here - stressed spouse of husband having triple bypass next week

[josephine64]

Hi there, I am pretty stressed about this surgery but holding it together and being supportive and helpful. My problem is my partners adult children who seem to have unrealistic expectations of what he can manage while recovering. As an example, his son wants him to supervise pulling up the floors in his rental property. This would involve me driving my partner and 2 dogs to the city, finding accommodation and then driving him home 2 days later - only three weeks after surgery. It is ridiculous. My partner also overestimates what he will be able to do and doesn’t want to say no. No one listens to me. Help !?

[Mart25]

Good morning Josephine. I think reality will set in once your husband has had his operation. It's vital that your husband doesn't stress his sternum for 6 weeks post-op. It takes that long for the bones to fuse together and it cannot be hurried. After my bypass I found it difficult to get comfortable in bed for several weeks post-op, so sleeping was difficult. If your husband has this problem, then he won't be feeling very energetic. He must just listen to his body and not overdo things. However, it's very good mentally to be doing something useful while recovering. I did most of the cooking. So I would recommend supervising floor investigations by zoom (other technologies are also available) rather than in person.

[josephine64 in reply to Mart25]

Thanks so much - yes I think he could be helpful without being on site, if he feels up to it. I do have the option of refusing to drive him / which I might use lol !

[Blackcatsooty]

Dear JosephineI am one year post OHS. I am 72.

I was advised to carry out daily exercises and to lift no more than a half kettle of water. These exercises etc were a minimum of 12 weeks. So building works are an absolute no no.

Thats a minimum 12 weeks, not up to 12 weeks. Then another 12 weeks to ease up to fitness.

I unfortunately got severe gout which meant i couldn't fully comply with the rehab for a while. It has taken a year to recover.

The effort and skill that these surgeons and support staff put in deserves to have us patients comply as best we can.

Colin

[josephine64 in reply to Blackcatsooty]

Thank you, yes I agree !

[RufusScamp]

I think you will find he is not at all capable of doing anything much so soon after the op. His medical team would have a collective fit if you even suggest this. I realise it is more difficult if it is not your son, but you must put your husband's health first.

[josephine64 in reply to RufusScamp]

Thanks for replying - yes, I can always say I won’t drive him to the city and why. It’s a shame I have to be the bad guy though.

[RufusScamp in reply to josephine64]

You aren't bad. You are looking after your husband - and the father of his son.

[080311]

Morning josephine64,

Reading your post, my first reaction was get his son to watch the BHF video on open heart surgery. Firstly as others have said he will be told no lifting anything heavier than half a kettle of water, no arms above his head no pushing or pulling movements. It takes between 8-10 weeks for the sternum to heal like any broken. Plus he will have the wounds left from having his arteries harvested. When in hospital he will be given breathing exercises to do hourly I called them huffing and puffing, remember his lungs have taken a hit as well as his heart, the lungs collapse when we are on bypass. These try and get him to do when he gets home they really help, all the little pockets need to be filled out again.

Secondly, after such major surgery, we have to let our brain catch up with what as happened to us, if he gets emotional don’t be surprised, for the first few weeks getting comfortable to sleep is a problem, especially if he is a side sleeper, first time I managed to get on my side was bliss.

Remember if he does to much and damages the wires holding the sternum together he will be in a lot of trouble, with the possibility of another op.

Hopefully his son will look at what OHS really entails and will have more respect for what is father is to have to go through.

As his partner, don’t forget yourself in this, our partners have a great deal of emotional stress to go through, so be kind to yourself.

Best wishes Pauline.

[josephine64 in reply to 080311]

Thanks Pauline, very useful advice !

[Hidden]

Along with others, i would say that once he wakes up, post-surgery, he may a completely different take on what he is up to. How his body handles the operation and recovery will not be known until he has had it, that information is unique to each of us.

Next up though is WHEN he will be discharged from hospital. Please don't infer that as a scare warning - it is simply that if the surgeons do not think he is ready to be sent home in your care and have the suitable care on hand to help his recovery, then they won't release him. I watched as one gentlemen was sent home 5 days after his op, and another was there for 3 weeks - both looked as fit as each other, but for medical reasons they had different going home times. Another was in for over 3 weeks because he was not going to have someone to look after him - he was a single man with elderly family, none of whom were able to visist or give the care - so they had to wait until his local health trust could arrange the appropriate care.

Finally, i can't speak for others, but suspect the situation wil be similar, I found myself enjoying more than one nap in the course of the day, even from just sitting and watching TV or engaging in chats of an hour or more. So even if he is discharged after 5 days and handles things OK, he might find himself enjoying too many naps to be of any use. IT is just the body's way of aiding recovery - and is not something he should try to fight.

I wish your husband well with his surgery and hope he has one of the quicker and easier recovery's from the surgery - but also hope is not so well recovered as to risk his health on the sons flooring... 👍

[josephine64 in reply to Hidden]

Many thanks ! I am hopeful he will be discharged after a week as is usual here - but that he will accept slow progress.

[Chappychap]

I went through my bypass operation with a very nice chap in the same ward, both pre and post operation.

He was a diary farmer with a milking herd to look after.

Before the bypass he'd convinced himself he'd be back at work within 7 days. Within hours after waking up in the critical care unit reality hit home and he'd revised his earlier optimism and was phoning around to arrange temporary care for his herd...luckily his sensible wife and ignored his previous plans and had already put these contingencies in place!

[josephine64 in reply to Chappychap]

Goodness that was optimistic ! Lol

[Shar28]

Hello, my husband had an AVR but no bypass just over 3 years ago. He found that the drugs he was on sent him doo-lallly (the opiates morphine & codeine on tip of anaesthetic etc) and he wouldn’t have been mentally capable of supervising a booze up in a brewery never mind floor replacement after 3 weeks! Physically he couldn’t have done it either.

Maybe his son is just trying to cope with his fears about his dad by thinking he’s going to be well enough to even supervise a project, never mind get involved. As you will doubtless know, it’s a scary time for everyone whether you’re the patient, partner or child (especially older and grown up ones who understand the implications of such major but routine surgery) and we all cope in different ways. Perhaps this is his.

All the best to you, your husband and loved ones.

[josephine64 in reply to Shar28]

Thanks for your reply - yes it may be that, let’s hope so. I’m trying now to refocus on the upcoming surgery and first couple of weeks, and not stress about what might happen after that ! Seems to be working so far.

[Shwmae]

I'm sure he will have a list of dos and donts tbh he probably won't feel up to it either. I hope all goes well stay strong and positive. X

[josephine64 in reply to Shwmae]

Thanks, fingers crossed.

[josephine64]

Update - surgery went well, thank goodness. I have also sent all his children a brochure about recovery and what to expect. This has dampened theirexpectations somewhat and put everything into perspective I think !He still thinks he will be able to work after a few days, but will find out for himself soon enough.

[080311 in reply to josephine64]

So pleased to read everything went well, he will find out soon enough that it’s baby steps for a little while. Please remember yourself in all this, take time for you. Glad that his children at last are understanding what as happened.

Best wishes Pauline