ARR last November, in 40s, physically quite well mentally really struggling

[Goldery]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post on here. I've been subscribed to this forum for a few months now and I have gained so much from it. Now I'm taking the plunge to see if anyone has had a similar experience to me and how they dealt with it.

This is a very long post. I'm sorry.

I had an Aortic Root Replacement last November (mechanical valve and aorta graft). This came just two weeks after being admitted urgently to hospital with respiratory failure and finding out I was experiencing aortic regurgitation (leaky aortic valve) and that the aorta was enlarged. Prior to that I had no idea there was any problem with my heart at all.

I usually live on my own but after discharge I went to stay with family during my recovery. I don't want to go into too much detail about my recovery but will say I found things very hard early on, several trips to A&E, but things got easier as time passed.

Then came the shock of learning that although my valve was replaced I am living with heart failure. It took me some time to come to terms with that as I'd been looking at it as having had an issue which the operation resolved. Not quite that simple for me it turns out.

Eventually I began to transition back to my original living situation and that and some associated matters caused what seems to me to have been a mental breakdown of sorts.

Before all of this heart business, I was already suffering from depression and was desperately unhappy with my life situation. I guess that all went on the back burner while I had to cope with heart stuff but going back to that old life brought everything back and added it to the heart stuff and crushed me.

I know from reading on the BHF website and from other posts on here that for a number of people traumatic heart events and surgery can have serious effects on mental health. I also know that with help this can be overcome.

(Yes, I have spoken to GP. Am starting on a new antidepressant and will be commencing Talking Therapies soon. Also have started phone appointments with psychologist attached to Cardiology team.)

My question really is this: I am in my mid forties and, as it does for many people, what has happened to me has made me think about aging and my health as I get older and what I can or can't do. It's made me worry about living on my own. It's made me even more aware of the need to change my unhappy living situation and make the most of things but I've been stuck in it so long, not been able to or known how to change it, and I'm going back to being stuck in it. With the heart stuff on top.

(This bit is dark so feel free to scroll past if your mental health is fragile too...Sometimes I feel like there's nothing left for me, that I'm broken and alone and that will get worse as I get older. In theory I know change is always possible but it is so hard to get to that place where it's possible and sometimes it just seems futile. What's the point.)

I would like to hear particularly from anyone who had a shock heart diagnosis and OHS in their 40s, how they have moved on afterwards, and/or anyone who had mental health difficulties prior to it and how you've managed your mental health afterwards and/or anyone who lives alone with this (so many people seem to have supportive partners).

I am so desperate to hear from anyone who can relate to this and/or give advice and reassurance.

Six months post-surgery I didn't expect to be this low.

I'm sorry this post is so long and I thank you so much for reading all the way through it.

Unless you cheated and skipped to the end...

Nah, thanks anyway. 👍

[CheesyWotsit]

Hi!

First of all, I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve gone through. It’s all so traumatic, overwhelming and difficult to process. I say this because I feel very similar to you.

My story (kept as short as poss!) I’m in my 40s and live alone. I also have no family, don’t know anyone in my area, nearest person I could call on lives 200 miles away (long story why I’m in this situation but short version is I was in a long term abusive relationship).

Last month I had a heart attack, maybe two (they’re not sure). I’ve been diagnosed with having a rare heart condition called SCAD (spontaneous coronary artery dissection) although out of the blue my cardiologist is now saying it could be heart disease. I have considerable damage to my heart (from the attack) and I’m in heart failure.

This all came as a total shock, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me (and if it is SCAD, that’s most likely to be the case, I just got unlucky).

I totally relate to how you’re feeling. I live alone, I’ve been depressed for a while (the pandemic has been rough to go through!), I also have generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorder and complex PTSD. Just when I was beginning to feel better about myself and the world seemed to be reopening from COVID, pow! Heart attack and my world has been flipped upside down. I now worry about everything and I’m so scared about my future.

I’m having the same thoughts as you...can I live alone? What’s going to happen to me? What’s the point? Etc etc

I know that this probably isn’t the supportive/encouraging reply you were hoping for (lol sorry!) but I wanted you to know you’re not alone in how you’re feeling. Some days are better! But yes a lot of dark ones, I live in hope that in time it will get better. We have to allow ourselves the time to grieve and process the traumatic event (that’s what it is!) that we’ve been through.

The funny thing is I only joined this community the other day and tonight was the first time I’ve sat down and looked. Yours is the first post I came across and I thought “wow! I get this person!”

I wish you well. I wish you peace and love. I wish you healing, mentally and physically 💛

I am also happy for you to message me (I haven’t actually checked to see if that’s an option here but I assume so??! Lol)

[Goldery in reply to CheesyWotsit]

Thank you so much for your reply. You're right, just knowing others can understand what you're going through is a comfort in itself. And yes, it's definitely a grieving process to process everything that's happened, understand the trauma.Yes, bad days and better days. I went through a stage where mornings were very difficult for me but afternoons got better so it would help me in the mornings to think the afternoon will be better. At the moment days are difficult in general but I have just been weaned off my old antidepressant before starting a new one so hopefully some of the recent difficulty is due to that and starting the new antidepressant will help. All my best to you. People who haven't been through these things can't imagine the enormity of it, physically and mentally. Thank goodness for places like this where we can talk to each other.

[Pend1ne]

After 10 years of heart disease starting as I turned 50 and living alone I too have reached a point where I feel quite desperate at times.As my health fails my world gets smaller and I am unable to do very little of the things I enjoy in life. Not a dramatic statement, a fact. My independence is slipping away as daily tasks are left undone or undertaken by others.

I have always been bright and optimistic but it’s becoming so much harder to look to a fulfilling future .

There seems to be medical support but not the mental health support that is needed. It feels like you get the diagnosis and treatment and then you’re high and dry, left to deal with the overwhelming feelings surrounding a diagnosis of heart disease.

Surely we should be offered counselling and complementary therapies to optimise our health and well-being?

[Goldery in reply to Pend1ne]

You're absolutely right. We should absolutely be offered support with mental health etc not just the physical. I told a doctor before I was discharged from hospital that I felt I needed mental health support and he made sure it was included on my discharge notes but nothing happened. Now, 6 months down the line, I have some engagement with a psychologist from the Cardiology Department and am due to start some Talking Therapies counselling in a week's time. I think mental health support should be offered to everyone and even if they don't think they need it at that particular time (e.g. discharge etc) they should know the option remains open and they can take it up further down the road if necessary. All my very best to you. Thank you so much for your reply.

[FiftyNotOut]

I read your post. I’m not in my 40s, but am only just out of them - I was 50 in January and had a massive heart attack completely out of the blue three months later. I was diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy when I was pregnant with my youngest son, but that wasn’t connected. Before the HA I was pretty active, a non-smoker, ate healthily - none of the usual warning signals.

I don’t live alone, but my husband has rapid-cycling bipolar 1 and is often incapable of looking after anyone. My sons will be leaving home in a few years, so I mostly look after myself.

The view I’ve come to though is that everyone goes through this alone. No-one else can do it for you.

What you’re describing are very common worries and fears following a major health event. Do go back to your GP if you’re feeling suicidal. You can also self-refer to IAPT if you’re in England.

I’m also a great believer in mindfulness. I use the Headspace app. It just helps quieten the mind.

Take one day at a time. Don’t try and plan the rest of your life right now. I try and make a list of stuff to do the next day the night before - sometimes really tiny stuff, but it helps to tick stuff off as “done”.

I totally understand that the future you planned appears to have been taken away. But try not to mourn what hasn’t happened. Either live like Bob Ross (happy little accidents) or the serenity prayer - grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to understand the difference.

[Goldery in reply to FiftyNotOut]

Thank you so much for your reply. You have mentioned a number of things I am already trying so it's good to know they come recommended! I've been referred to IAPT and after about a month I am due to start that in a week's time. I've been through IAPT before and it helped then so hopefully it can help now. I've been using Headspace too. It's been invaluable. I've also used the Calm app.Your advice about taking one step at a time and plan ahead, even in small ways, is very important for me. It's something I know I need to do and your advice will, I hope, help me do it. All my very best to you. Thank you for reaching out.

[Goldery in reply to FiftyNotOut]

Also I have often said The Serenity Prayer since it all happened. ❤