Intimacy after heart attack ...

[cherrabah]

Anyone got any advice on resuming - or trying to - resume intimacy after a heart attack? Okay, not me, but my very much loved husband who had a severe heart attack five weeks ago and had four stents inserted immediately. Apart from understandable anxiety on both our parts, not sure about the physical possibilities on top of medication ? And stupidly, even after fifty years of happy marriage, struggling to talk easily about it. Thoughts anyone? Perhaps mostly - is it dangerous to try - regardless of success? Thanks.

[firstlight40]

I'm very sorry to hear about your husband's illness. I too had stents inserted and the literature says to refrain from sex for a week after stents. It also says some of the drugs given after an HA can cause erectile disfunction.

There's no information about why you should abstain after stents that I could find but some information that a prone position (lying face down) could put pressure on the chest or heart.

I've only been married for 33 years not 50 but having been away from my wife for 5 days in hospital and feeling well made for good times immediately when I got home ;-).

Maybe think about positions that don't put pressure on the chest or involve being in a prone position. And maybe it will take some time to build up to the normal frequency you were used to. Sex in terms of physical exertion is allegedly equivalent to a brisk walk so not too strenuous in terms of your heart...

Good luck!

[Shar28]

Hello, it’s awkward isn’t it. But 5 weeks isn’t long to get settled into life after a heart diagnosis.

There’s several articles on the BHF website if you type “sex” into the search field. Here’s some links

bhf.org.uk/informationsuppo...

bhf.org.uk/informationsuppo...

bhf.org.uk/informationsuppo...

Hope you find the articles useful and things improve.

[cherrabah in reply to Shar28]

Thanks for these links

[The_Voice]

My advice, so soon after having a major heart attack, is to wait until he's recovered physically. It takes a LOT out of the body, and it takes a while to get back to "normal". Post successful cardiac rehab is probably a good indicator of where he'd need to safely be physically.

A "test" I've seen doing the rounds (specifically aimed at intimacy) is once he is able to make it up and down 2 flights of stairs quickly, and without being exhausted or (most importantly) without pain, then he should be good to go.

Stick to the "other stuff" for now.

[Wooodsie]

A little of what you fancy does you good 🌞

[Hidden]

I was the one with the heart attack and my approach was two fold. 1. It was an important part of our relationship and should remain so.

2. Treated it as I did any physical activity. Took care, going as far as is possible in my circumstances, took my time building up slowly to find my 'limits' and changed how we did it so both of us comfortable. In some ways the changes were good.

[Sizzlerman]

Hi, had a similar problem after having 2 stents fitted, seems to be medication anything that widens the blood vessels (betablockers) and Ossibide Mononitrate made it awkward but managed to maintain an erection. If this becomes a problem with your partner ask him to see his doctor who may be able to alter his medication. Chin up and hope he recovers well.

[cherrabah]

Well, I pretty much know he will be anxious over not managing an erection, as he couldn’t before his heart attack unless he took viagra - and even then, it was a struggle. We realise now that ED can be a symptom of cardiac problems and I’m totally cross with myself for us allowing to dismiss ‘this little problem’ as a common ageing issue. But I believe some of his medication might exacerbate ED even further and I’m sure it would be a bad idea taking viagra as well. So we have a least a double dose of anxiety!

Thanks for your thoughts- all very much valued. Intimacy is often taken for granted when it works but becomes very delicate when it doesn’t. Early days I guess, but maybe we need to start with having relaxed and cuddly fun. And I thought we females were the complicated ones! 😊

[seasider18 in reply to cherrabah]

Talk to his doctor about taking Viagra again. It can also help the heart as that is what it was initially developed for before they found its side effect !Part of what it does is open out the arteries.

There is also a longer lasting alternative called Tadalafil: Available under the brand names Adcirca and Cial. I prefer that as it helps with urine flow if you also have an enlarged prostate .

[Curlyman83 in reply to cherrabah]

I’m sorry to hear about your husbands illness. Some medications actually increase libido, so don’t dismiss every drug. I’d get your husband to speak to his GP about what he can and can’t take in terms of solving the problem. I know it can be embarrassing, but erectile issues are far more common than people realise and something the doctor will see every day.

Best of luck for the future 👍

[Tyronefitsimmons]

Cherabah, This is a very good topic and its something people put under the carpet, so to speak. intimacy is the the best exercise ,, if taken slowly and gently first orgasm can be very frightening as to the shortness of breath,but take it gently keep up the cuddles and go from there, you are not dead yet , so do not think it will kill you, use common sense, Tyrone Fitsimmonds, age 88, Neuro/ psychologist

[Kelling]

Medication will play its part - please see my posts on "Impotency is not about wearing a top hat" It may help a bit. Kind regards...K

[Kelling]

I did reply very briefly and asked you to read the posts from a subject I raised but gave you the wrong reference. It is "BEING IMPOTENT IS NOTHING TO DO WITH WEARING A TOP HAT!" but having read the answers, and after much advice, I can talk from a position of some insight. For me, Bisoporol was the problem that was confirmed by many sources as the cause of impotency for men. After a discussion with my cardiac specialist, the Bisoporol was stopped and after three weeks or so, everything slowly returned to normal, although at this time, a final conclusion to intimacy has yet to happen. My wife and I have been married for 48 years and you would think after all that time, we could talk about intimacy to its fullest - sadly no, with my wife finding the subject embarrassing, almost to the point of only speaking about it with the lights off!

To be fair, after my open heart surgery, intimacy was the last thing on my mind, even the thought of it and the pain I would feel just meant that the issue was closed. Perhaps about eight weeks after I could physically "do it" but as they say - the flesh was weak. ie I could feel like it but nothing happened physically.

After that, there are feelings of insecurity, worthiness, and fear of failure! 48 years do not pass without our coming to an understanding of our partner's needs and levels of affection and intimacy we both enjoy. I have said to my wife on many an occasion that sex or intimacy is like a conversation - it goes both ways and therefore we do "know" when one of us is in need, so to speak.

The crux of this matter circles around how to have intimacy that feels good and is physically comfortable that you both enjoy both physically and mentally. My fear was the pain in bed when inadvertently turning and sleeping on my front and then the moves to get up from that position and the pain that was associated with that. Lying on my back was no problem at all.

So the first problem solved, although this might not be something partners have ever done before and all I can say about that is "if you have not tried it" you can't be sure, however, all intimacy is enjoyable. That really brings me to my last point that could be described as "how much sex it appropriate with a partner recovering from a heart attack or surgery. Well, it all depends and you should be able to talk and understand that intimacy is just a word - for there are many forms of intimacy and enjoyment. This is where you can actually help your husband to get his confidence back by intimate encouragement without any stress on his heart - well again, that depends. WIth you both working together on a plan, each of these events could and should be pleasurable to both parties without the anxiety of "not performing"

It is so difficult to talk about a subject, without actually talking about it, for fear of upsetting anyone, even when it is such a human need.

To be frank, when my wife has enjoyed our intimacy together, the fact that I had no conclusion, matters not because I know that with time, everything will be returned to normal - if each partner wants it to be.

ED or impotency are strange descriptions for such a vast subject that is cloaked in secrecy and privacy and never talked about. Perhaps the new generations will be different, but I like it like we know it now! Our problem is we don't talk about it enough - with our partners. I do wish you luck and hope you might get something from the horse's mouth so to speak. If you can keep the events as light as possible and accept what happens as the best of a job, then both of you should enjoy the event, so long as your husband meets your needs too. Most of all make it fun with no expectations or letting recriminations get in the way, just let your imagination run riot and enjoy! Encouragement should be the watchword, with is so important.

My apologies if I have offended anyone, it was not my intention.

[cherrabah in reply to Kelling]

Thanks for sharing this ... always good to talk

[Tyronefitsimmons in reply to Kelling]

Kelling , Your reply to Cherrabah was absolutely spot on the best explanation I have heard yet,

[Kelling in reply to Tyronefitsimmons]

Thank you. I know the posts here are usually a reply and move on. It is always nice to know "personally" that one has done something worthwhile. Your kind words are much appreciated

[Kappacino]

I know this is easy to say, but relax and neither of you should stress. Biggest cause for ED is anxiety. Kiss, cuddle, touch, feel dont see penetration as the objective, in fact start off as non-penetration as being the objective!

[Kelling]

That actually, was the lesson in my post, so both on the same wavelength

.

[cherrabah in reply to Kelling]

I also valued your post over impotence and top hat - and replies. It seems that bisoprolol is a mischief maker ... but what concerns me most is that ED is a symptomatic warning to get the heart checked out. Impotence may well be aggravated or caused by anxiety, which is going to be an understandable accompaniment to ED anyway.

If only we’d faced and explored physical health issues then instead of waiting for the totally unsuspected heart attack. It’s so easy to find excuses so as to try and alleviate anxiety or sense of failure ... but then we miss the most important trick of all. Stuff the erections, forget the whole performance thing ... as a wife I just want my husband. Learning a different type of intimacy will be fun, a pleasure- and so freeing to not even worry about where it leads. Thanks you all so much for your input - all so valuable.

My next question soon might well be about red wine ..... 😊👍

[Kelling in reply to cherrabah]

My pleasure I assure you. The second part of your message carries importance - to alleviate anxiety or sense of failure and that ED might be a signal of heart disease.

Both of those subjects can, I strongly believe does lead to heart matters - it is even documented and almost forgotten about as it is mentioned. The downfall of man-sod advice and guidance. I smoked 30/50 cigarettes a day for fifty years and my body, my heart, and veins paid the price, and not until the packets reached almost £10 that I decided to stop. You can lead a horse to water etc etc, Always wiser after the event are just a few of the comments that really are not worth a carrot and if anything, are so irritating. Just like when one is falling apart with stress and depression and a friend/relative says to you "pull yourself together"

We all live with choices, some good and some bad and at the end of the day, it's today that matters and to say "if only" just makes things worse.

Your latter remarks are the most poignant - stuff it -How do we live our lives today that matters and how to learn how to adapt to situations we have never had to deal with before, and perhaps when we have done that, then there could still be much enjoyment to be had, albeit in very different ways to what was the norm. Just as a soldier has to adapt to the loss of a limb for whatever it is we all must try and adapt.

I have learnt so much just talking with you and remembering so much common sense that gets buried with time. I do hope things for you both get better and feel sure it will - because you care and you are not afraid of change.

Good luck to you both, kind regards, Kelling