He left me after heart attack

[BenBlue]

Hi all, ( my husband 41 years old had a heart attack last year )

Not sure where to start..I came here because elsewhere I am not listened to, and my situation is categorised as |"couple issues", as soon as I say , my husband left me after his heart attack , I sense prejudgments " He left her because they have couple issues|", "he left her , because the heart attack wakened him up and he knew she is not the one.." ...... I feel all the time that anything I want say will be interpreted as me desperately trying to find excuses to my husband and not facing the truth and not able to move on, and I am hurt .. nobody believes me when I say we were a happy couple, nobody believes me that he did not left because of an argument or couple issues , because we did not have couple issues, we loved each other so much, no body believes me when I say, our couple was a combination of love, peace, affection and passion and strong friendship ... nobody believes me that he out of the blue few months after the heart attack , he said I don't have feelings anymore .

I can't stop crying writing this... I hate myself and I hate the fact that nobody talked me about emotional impact of a heart attack on my husband .. I hate myself I was so focused on being there with him and help him to physically recover ... but I did not know what he was going through really emotionally speaking .. I hate myself, I did not google enough , I did not even think about that ... I hate myself

I remember asking him few times how he was coping with what happened, and I received that automatic answer " I am fine" and I believed it , I hate myself I believed that, I hate myself I did not know what to do when I sensed something was wrong.. I hate myself I was so ignorant on that matter ... and why nobody spoke to us about any emotional impact during all those consultations so many consultations ..

now he left I can't be there for him anymore.. he does not want to talk to me anymore .. I am just a stranger .. after 10 years of marriage

why did he leave ? why wouldn't he tell me why he left me ? am I supposed just to accept that brief explanation " I don't have feeling anymore" that's all what I heard from him .. why is he so cold, why does he close up and become succeptibe as soon as you say a simple " how are you ?" why does he insist on " I am doing great !!!" when he is not taking care of himself anymore ...

I am so so so so sad, so so so sad, I am not there for him and he does not allow me to be there anymore, I need him too .. ................... I feel powerless and helpless

I was so grateful he survived at the heart attack .. seeing him disappear from my life this way... just don't have the words to express all my feelings ..

maybe what could help is to hear from men who had a heart attack..

thank you

[Gillymaccy]

Omg such a sad sorry xx. It is very hard for people to come to terms with having a heart attack , but just as hard for you too

[lillyofthevalley37]

Write to him every week just about how you are without him how you would like to be by his side how you don't want a divorce and you wish you were dead without him and that you need him

I am not a guy and I haven't had a heart attack but I think you should keep a link to him by writing maybe he loves you but the heart attack has given.him extreme anxiety some people handle it better than.others IDK but maybe it will.be easier for him to read a letter atm than to see you.

Just a suggestion I.hope you get back together sorry to see you suffering like you are

[Dolphin14]

Very sad story. I'm not sure about the advice for this. It's great you reached out here. Mayb people that have had heart attacks can offer insight to how they emotionally reacted.

I think it might be good for you to seek some counseling. Ideal would be both of you but right now the focus is individual. You are both dealing with different issues.

[Calliope153]

It;s really difficult to understand how individuals feel after a heart attack. Everyone is different so you could not really have found out by doing more Googling so that;s something you can stop beating yourself with. The instinctive response to how are you is always "fine". Then you don;t have to talk about things or actually reflect on how you feel but try explaining that to a partner - it;s not as easy as it sounds. Also it feels easier to be on your own - in some twisted sort of way you can think you are doing your partner a favour by releasing them from their commitment to the relationship - the old "you;re better off without me" moment. After feeli ng elated you are still alive the scary bit kicks in - the guy ropes of your life that held you firm have subtly altered and you are left in an altered landscape and with no idea how to navigate through it. In my rehab group I chat to a lot of people and the reaction you describe is not unusual. Some people describe it as "numb", "no feelings at all" "paralysed". "going from moment to moment" and the big one "guilty about my partner". Dolphin above is so right - you are dealing with different issues but your challenge is holding it together so you are able to be there when eventually you are needed. Sometimes individuals just need some time and space to get to grips with a new reality and, despite everyone;s best intentions to support them, need some quiet thinking time. I hope this helps a little.

[Hidden]

I heard about a woman, who left her arrogant hub, who treated her like a punch bag on several fronts. She left this sc^m b^g when the diagnosis of terminal cancer was given. I wouldn't blame her. She survived.

Usually people don't leave their partners due to a major health crisis. Maybe, a survival instinct kicks in and drove them into action.

I also know a husband, who could not visit his sick wife hospitalised for cancer once. He said, "I don't want to see her in hospital". A lot of people around them were somewhat staggered by his insistence of not visiting her battling with cancer AT ALL. His choice. This woman was always his caregiver and when the table was turned, he didn't know what to do.

It's not "you", it's "Him or Her".

[NorthantsSteve]

Hi BenBlue. So sorry to hear about the pain you’re going through. It must be incredibly traumatic. You must put yourself first and talk to someone professionally about this. Your doctor could be a good first port of call.

My own experience of having a heart attack was that it was largely ‘positive’. Of course I wouldn’t wish to have a heart that is scarred and to take the meds but it was a point of re-evaluation and re-balancing. But what you’re describing sounds different to my experience. They reckon that between 1 in 8 and 1 in 15 people who suffer near death experiences of heart attack have subsequent PTSD. (bhf.org.uk/informationsuppo...

Take a look at this about PTSD. In other articles it does talk about relationship issues being caused by it. nhs.uk/conditions/post-trau...

This is rarely talked about (wasn’t mentioned at all at my cardio rehab) but is now better understood.

Please do take time to look after yourself and to talk to someone professionally.

[Hidden]

Hi BenBlue,

I am so sorry to hear about the terrible time you are experiencing.

I'm not sure that anyone can really tell you what is going on in your husbands mind, but I thought I'd share my experience.

I think the realisation of one's fragility and vulnerability can be devastating, particularly at such a young age - my life situation changed at 70. Suddenly, one moment you are sashaying through life without a care in the world - and then wallop - your health takes centre stage and I rapidly felt useless and with no sense of control. The next heartbeat could be your last. This takes some getting used to. Driving (no longer an option for me) , walking, even getting up in the morning can present potential hazards. The tendency is, I think, to look inwards and maybe neglect others - he may be trying to protect you from future pain. I don't know. Men are notoriously terrible at have meaningful conversations about health and emotions. Again, I have no idea if this applies to your husband.

Your husband is very, very lucky. He has a loving wife. He may not appreciate this yet and his reactions may be a part of his coping behaviour - I don't know. Just do what you think is right and if that means keeping contact in some way then please do it.

I hope all goes well for you both and I'm sorry I cannot be of more help.

Richard

[Maisie2014]

Hi BenBlue. I had a heart attack in February and I’m still coming to terms with it. My husband and family were very supportive at first but, in my opinion, everything seems to have gone back to normal from their point of view at least. I have really bad days rowing with my husband because he tells me I’m not going to the gym enough (we used to go 4 or 5 times a week). He’s always been fit and healthy so can’t cope with any sign of illness. I make myself calm down and apologise for being a bitch and I am getting better at it. It’s the sheer frustration that my life has completely changed. I am dependent on medications and, despite leading a healthy lifestyle, am still not feeling well. I hate being told what I can and can’t do. I have a friend who’s husband has serious health issues and we talk a lot. It helps me understand how my husband feels and I think it helps her understand how her husband feels. It’s very difficult for us but we are older than you. If you want to help your husband just try to keep in touch with him. Don’t tell him what he should or should not be doing. Let him know how you feel and that your there for him. Try not to push. He’s got to come to terms with his heart attack. I attended a Clinical Psychologist at the request of the cardiac nursing team. I hope things get better for you both. Take care.

[Bagrat]

Hi BenBlue please stop hating yourself. You are the same soul you always were, the one your husband fell for ten years ago.

It is so important that you get help with how you are feeling as in order to support others, first you should consider your own mental health. I can't imagine how it feels for you but my husband NEVER discusses how he feels. He had a heart attack in 2005 and I was the one who developed anxiety and panic attacks!! I just thought I was being silly until an acquaintance suggested I get help.

Additionally with apologies

but a serious illness does make for

survival thinking. This means putting oneself first as a necessity. It is exhausting fighting to regain one's health . I agree that dropping him a line from time to time may help keep communication open. You say he isn't looking after himself. Some people just prefer to ignore warning signs and continue as if nothing happened.

Be kind to yourself. This situation is not down to you.

[Yasyass]

Firstly try not to be sad it’s not your fault ha affects people emotionally I too did not realize I would feel this way it feels as if someone has took life and the happiness away mayb your husband didn’t want u to see him in th way mayb he has went for a short while to handle things in his own way but keep in touch with him to let him know you care I hope things will get better for you both

[Ianc2]

I have seen a few of my friends go down with major illnesses. Some regard it as a major challenge. Some as a major personal insult which results in great anger along the lines of why me, how could this possibly happen.

The older ones have, in the main, accepted that it has happened and will have to be dealt with it by trying to gain as much time as possible. They do this in order to get to do as much done as they can, while they can, before they possibly go.

For the younger men, It is often the first time that their personal mortality has been brought to their attention in an undeniable way. Acceptance is not anywhere on their radar and discussion is seen as a sign of weakness, From being a minor superman to a possible physical wreck is not be contemplated, let alone accepted. Time is needed, if only to admit it to himself. Strangely enough he might be afraid to admit this perceived weakness to you more than anyone.