*Sensitive*: How do you know if you are “one and done”? (Older mother)

[FluffyPink]

 My husband and I had a happy ending to our harrowing IVF journey in 2021 when our son was born using donor sperm and egg. I was 45 at the time and am now 47.  We adore him - he is an exceptionally sociable and confident little boy and we love him more than I even thought possible.

We had such an incredible experience after his birth that we had initially planned to try to have a second baby (we have frozen embryos from same donors). As time has gone on, however, we have both become more aware of our age in looking after him. No matter how fit you try to keep yourself in your late 40s, it would seem you can’t quite beat Mother Nature- keeping up with a toddler is exhausting!

The hardest times have been when he is sick with a bug and we are sick too. We have no practical support from family or friends (they are at a different stage in their lives) so we don’t get to sleep unless we pay someone for a few hours. We both have older relatives who are starting to need care and I’m conscious that I will have menopause on the way soon too!

We are trying to be sensible in staying healthy for our little boy so we can give him the support he needs and so that we won’t be a burden to him when we are older. With all of the above in mind, we are reluctantly trying to make peace with our decision not to have a second child. We worry for the future, though, that our son will miss having a sibling, particularly someone who would share his (double donor) genetic history. We have made sure we have enough put by for our care when we are older.

I’m finding that as friends are falling pregnant for the second time I’m grieving for the baby we might have had, as is my husband. My husband isn’t happy to donate full-sibling embryos to someone else so we would have to offer them for research instead. Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation and, if so, how did you cope? Thanks for reading all the way to the end 😊 

[Marisa32]

Honestly, I don't think you are too old for another. I'm almost 44 with 4 year old and 17 months old. Yes, it's a lot of work but doable. I always wanted at least 2 kids because having a siblings close in age is priceless. I know parents who are much older than you. Also, keep in mind that the 2nd baby is a lot easier. You may get lucky and avoid the sleepless nights all together. Both of mine slept through the night at 3 and 5 months and we only stayed up 6 nights max due to sickness in 4+ years! I also have 0 support near me, so I understand the pressure of not being able to take time off from parenting. They grow up so fast though. If age is the only thing holding you back from trying, I would say go for it.

[FluffyPink in reply to Marisa32]

Marisa, thank you for replying 🙂 That’s so great to hear you are successfully juggling two little people. Food for thought. Yes, maybe the fact that our little guy hasn’t been the best sleeper is influencing our decision (hence I’m posting this at 3am - he usually needs to be held to go back to sleep at least once during the night, despite sleep training etc.) My husband turns 50 this year and he seems to have that as a psychological “end point” for minding a baby - he doesn’t want to be an elderly Dad! He’s doing better with our decision to just have one at the moment than I am. We’ve just had six months (Oct to March) of one or all of us being sick in the house and I kept thinking there was no way I could cope with a second in that type of situation. I sometimes ache with tiredness (I have rheumatoid arthritis which is usually mild but gets worse with sleep deprivation). To be honest, deep down I know that stopping at one is the sensible decision for us given the caring for relatives we have ahead of us. My husband is already stressed from all his family responsibilities and I don’t want our little boy grow up in a tense atmosphere. Hubby and I met later in life and IVF is all we know. I had been feeling excited about moving on with our lives as a unit of three but meeting friends who are pregnant is a trigger. It may not seem so attractive when they are sleep deprived again! The thought of packing away the baby things for the last time fills me with dread but I have a Ukrainian friend who would see that they go to very good use, so that would be a comfort. I just need strategies to get through this. Thanks again 💐

[Marisa32 in reply to FluffyPink]

You are absolutely right. Sometimes, it's just better to stop at one and make the best of it. Sounds like you guys are making the best decision given the circumstances. Wishing you better sleep ahead. It's so important, I don't think I could do 2 or even 1 sleep deprived 😫.

[FluffyPink in reply to Marisa32]

Thanks Marisa. Our little boy is v sociable so I think he will be v good at being an only child. Yes, sleep deprivation does steal your joy in things. Thanks for taking the time to reply - it’s been v helpful. x

[Sweethear]

hi sorry you are having sleeplessness and rethinking your decision. I know how difficult and tired it can be when your child is not a good sleeper I was like a zombie the first months when my daughter was born because of not sleeping and always crying until I visited osteopathies doctor who massage her for visits and she started sleeping well from 4 hours to 8 hours to 12 hours she now sleeps rond the clocks it is a life changing for me she sleeps well now she is 4 years old and has been sleeping well since about when she was 7 months old. Maybe you should try that it does really help I have seen a lot of people it helped. About having another baby I will say try and discuss with your Husband about what you are feeling and convince to try and have another baby so your boy can have a sibling to go through life together even when you both are not here anymore your boy is less than 2 years that means the can grow together the age gaps is very close which means caring for both will be almost the same if you don’t do this now you might regret it later in life since you still have some Embrayos I will say please do it now 47 and 50 years is old but not that old is only going to be 3 years older then when you had your first which is not old if you compare it. Good luck with what ever you decide

[FluffyPink in reply to Sweethear]

Sweetheart, thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. It has been really helpful for me to write this post and read the replies- is helping to pull my thoughts together! I was at a toddler class with my little boy this morning and actually feel fine around new babies (there was a v young one!) It’s the idea of having another that I’m stuck on, I think, rather than the reality! Yes, maybe an osteopath would help with the sleep - thank you. Our little guy has eczema (for which we attend GP) and this does wake him sometimes, as does teething I think. My husband lived alone for many years before we met and deep down I think the stress of having one child is enough for him - I can see that now. I have talked to him about my feelings around it. We both acknowledge that we will have regrets either way but I think we would regret having a second child more than not having one. We are a happy little unit as we are and I think we need to appreciate that. Everything seems easier with one - from going for a walk to eating out to going on holiday (we also have a dog to manage!) I think having another would tip us over the edge… We had 5 years of intensive fertility treatments and surgeries (both of us!) before he was born so maybe it’s time to enjoy our life together finally. I have more thinking to do! 🤔 Thanks again. x

[Sweethear in reply to FluffyPink]

good to hear that you are ok with having one baby. Am sorry to hear that your boy has eczema that can really make him not to be sleeping well hope he grow out of it soon sometime they outgrow it. I also have one child and wishes to have another but that did not happen I have ended my ivf journey which I have been on for 8 years before stopping am just trying naturally now and hoping and dreaming that it happened but I know my chances are almost zero but I keep dreaming every month it is just so difficult to let go of that dream am so happy that I have one child already trying to enjoy that. Wishing you and your family a wonderful beautiful healthy life together

[FluffyPink in reply to Sweethear]

So sorry hear what a long journey you have been on. I do hope you find happiness however things turn out for you. And thank you for your good wishes 💙 xxx

[Chiefy]

Hi, We are 40 and 42 with 1 ivf child and a dog. I was adamant I wanted more than 1 baby but as little one has grown into a toddler (18 mths) I'm starting to think we are done at 1. Toddlers are hard work, especially when they still aren't sleeping through the night (we still get a couple of wake ups). No matter how fit we are, you are right that there's still no stopping mother nature and parenthood is relentless.

I struggle with people being pregnant, and I think that is because we struggled so hard with getting pregnant. It's not people actually having babies that I struggle with, and I think that's a hangover from ivf.

I adore my son and we have such a lovely loving little family unit, that actually I'm content with it just being us. I enjoy watching my son develop every day and I think about financially how much more we can give him in terms of life experiences that would be more of a struggle with 2.

We have 3 frozen embryos in storage and it's there in the back of my mind whether I can just let them go without giving them a chance after what we went through for them to exist, but I know that right now, our little family is perfect as it is.

I hope you reach a decision that you are both comfortable with x

[FluffyPink in reply to Chiefy]

Hi Chiefy,

Thank you so much for your reply and sorry it took me 3 months (!) to comment. I found it really helpful to know there is someone else feeling the same as us. We’ve had a good few sessions of fertility counselling (about the remaining embryos) and we haven’t changed our minds about having just one baby at this point. I seem to be in perimenopause (waiting to see a specialist at the moment) and that’s definitely making things harder - I’m utterly exhausted!

The thing we really struggle with is that we have a large no. of embryos remaining and have found out that they can’t be donated to research at our clinic (and the clinic won’t facilitate us moving them elsewhere) so we will most likely have to destroy them or just let them be used for routine training at our v expensive private clinic where we didn’t have a great experience despite the ivf success 😞 That’s not what we wanted at all. I know we are lucky to have this problem when many people can’t make embryos at all. It is still upsetting nonetheless and for now we will just continue paying the monthly storage fee. With time, hopefully it will be easier to cope with. Thanks again for taking the time to reply and delighted to hear about your happy unit with dog and baby! x