should I be worried?

[Hope4000]

Hi friends.

My son is 19 years old and has been on the waiting list for an Autism assessment. We have been told that it is a 3 year waiting list so my son is hoping to be assessed by the age of 20/21.

I worry about my son all of the time because he seems to be becoming more isolated and spends a lot of his day In his room.

I understand this is his safe space but I really worry that the more time he spends away from people the more his social skills may regress? My son will not socialise to anyone apart from his family. And even then it is very limited.

I knock on his door and call him to chat but I get a very limited response.

Is there anything I can do to help him become a little more comfortable around people?

He really struggles to come shopping and will wait in the car if he does come out with me.

My son will not leave the house unless he’s with myself or his dad.

Should I be doing more to help him?

If so what can I do?

Am I doing something wrong?

Hope to hear from someone who may be experiencing similar situation?

Hope4000🌸

[NotJim]

Hi Hope4000,

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong It sounds like you care very deeply for your son and for his future, and I really get how you’re feeling in this situation.

I have ASD myself. I’m no expert, but I’ve also been through the experience of helping loved ones with things like Agoraphobia and disorders which prevent you doing the things you want.

I think it’s not that you’re not doing enough, or doing something wrong. I think it could be about finding and negotiating where/how he’s comfortable to step out of his usual routine. This for him should feel like it’s on his terms, after all any change is daunting and so it should to feel like it’s also his decision. He’ll probably need to feel he’s safe and in control. That said you should be able to have a final word, it shouldn’t become a situation where he has last say on everything. In an ideal world, he should be able to compromise (but that can be a challenge of course, especially in the beginning).

At the same time it could be explained to him the reasons why it’s good to go out. It would be important for him to understand the benefits of the change. Maybe explained in a relaxed way and simple terms that it could… help him see new interesting things… or that he might make a friend. I would avoid any solid promises (because nothing is a given, but there’s new experiences out there) but maybe you could find open ended possibilities that would feel appealing and positive for him personally. You could work out the parameters of it together (for example how long you go out for, where you go and when you go home. Even if it feels too short or too close by it should be encouraged and treated as an achievement if he goes through with it).

It might be he resists it, and if he does I wouldn’t push the point, but just say “it’s ok, i’ll leave it for now” and let yourself step away. Anyone can close off and shut down if they feel they’re being made to do something they don’t feel they want to. It might be you leave it for a week or two and then when he’s in a good space you can raise the topic again. It may take some different approaches, different angles until you find one where he responds, and this can take a lot of patience. Be sure to look after yourself, it can feel draining and frustrating sometimes and when it gets like that it’s probably best to step away for a bit and allow yourself to take some time until you feel alright again.

I think the main thing is he’s got to feel the insentive and see the benefit afterwards, so he understands this change is a good thing in the end.

I hope that can help in some way.

Wishing you all the very best

[Hope4000 in reply to NotJim]

Hi NotJim,

Thank you so do much for taking the time to reply. Your much detailed advice is greatly appreciated.

Your kind words have reassured me and given me the confidence to follow some of your approaches.

In the past when I have explained the positives of going out and about to my son, his response will be quote “why do I need to go out”? “ I don’t want to talk to anyone because I’ve got nothing to say” “ I’ll talk even I’ve got something to say”.

My son’s logic does make sense so I sometimes struggle to find the answers and ideas to encourage him to try new experiences. Especially around other people.

My son needs to have a solid reason to talk to others or try new things. When I’ve said “it’s important to be around others and socialise, maybe make a friend”. He will respond with “ but I don’t want a friend. Why do I have to talk to people”.

I will try your approach and I thank you so much for your knowledge.

Hope4000

[NotJim in reply to Hope4000]

You're very welcome <3 I hope it goes alright