We are in the UK. My daughter is at the beginning stages of her ASC diagnosis and one thing that has ALWAYS been an issue is her aversion to her father who lives 40 miles away and sees her every fortnight. She has always begged to not go but he has demanded she visits. This has caused her deep trauma but father's rights apparently come first. Now we know she has ASC he still demands she visit despite it causing her so much distress. She masks when she is there so he says I am making it up and he doesn't believe she is anxious - he won't listen to her psychologist either who tries to convince him to listen to his daughter's feelings but he says that children need a consistent routine and she must go. Any tips what I can do? Either refuse to send her any more (with possible legal consequencces) or teach her strategies to deal with it? Thank you x (heartbroken mum)
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apriljupitermoon
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Sorry to hear you're having a difficult time. That sounds like it must be challenging for you.
Perhaps, as this involves visitation rights, it would be worth exploring options with a Citizen's Advice bureau? They're pretty good at giving free advice. If there is a chance of legal proceedings for example, they could help you get a picture of what that might involve.
I also found this article here about UK law and situations where children don't want to visit a parent: aticuslaw.co.uk/what-do-i-d....
I'm not a legal expert, and don't know how fully up to date this info is but it might be useful. Overall it seems to say that things are weighed up between what the parent wants and what is deemed best for the child's welfare.
If possible I would suggest having a relaxed chat with your daughter about what distresses her in these visits and why she doesn't want to go, and to see if there is anything that can make things easier for her until a clearer solution can be found. Perhaps also a chat with her psychologist, if you have access to them, could help too?
I hope this might help in some way. (I also noticed in your profile you mention how your daughter struggles with OCD. Just wanted to say I had this myself throughout my teen years too, and can really sympathise with what both of you must be experiencing. It's a real challenge, especially when you're on the parent side and trying to help someone who's got the compulsions and rituals. I was really really ill with it when I was about 15 and couldn't walk in my house, or climb a set of stairs, and my mum had to support me through it and I knew how difficult it was for her too. I went through CAMHS in the end and they did work out well. It took time, with ups and downs, times of break through, times of relapses, but slowly things did get better. So just wanted to say these things won't last forever, and really can get better x )
Thank you... I appreciate your support. She is seeing a psychologist so really I need to hear officially whether the visits are detrimental from a health pov and take it from there. If I have the backing of a professional I'll have more chance of convincing a court. Thank you
Do you also have ASD? I think the reasons my daughter is so averse to her dad is that he is scary/has a temper and she doesn't feel safe. He's not done anything really bad but she is really uncomfortable around him because he is unpredictable - I think her ASD exacerbates her strong dislike and she can't control her feelings - how does an autistic person change their experience of a person?. Thank you
And yes I also have ASD too. I can understand how someone having an unpredictable temper could be difficult to manage. From my experience I found it can easily make me feel very nervous and fearful if someone blows up suddenly.
I think in terms of how an autistic person changes their experience of a person, to some degree it will be the same as any other person has to; you have to be able to grow to trust the person in question, and feel safe around them. However because of the often strong emotional side of the autism, as well as how our minds process things, this might take longer or be a bit of a different process for different individuals.
For example, if someone I know loses their temper at their computer, it makes me feel nervous and scared, but I have to reason that it’s not me they’re angry at. They’re just expressing their frustration. I can ask them to find better ways of getting their anger out, rather than exploding, but it is also up to them on their side how they choose to respond. The most important thing when building trust is there has to be a give and take for both parties.
That’s my take on the question at least. I hope that sort of answers it
That is hearbreaking (from a mothers point of view). My son is 4 years old and Autistic. His father and I are still together living under the same roof so I am fortunate to not have that issue. How has the visiting been going so far?I understand it must feel so challenging for yourself because ofcourse you want to be there for your child and have her vest interests at heart but ofcourse do not want her father to take any legal action against you.
Maybe there is an underlying issue to why your daughter does not want to go to her fathers house.
Some things you could consider or think about:
Will she feel better not staying overnight?
Visiting him with you or someone she trusts there with her?
Does someone go to her fathers house that she does not feel comfortable around?
Could it be something as simple as she does not like the choice of food or needs her routine changing?
Maybe she wants a teddy or favourite toy to take with her?
Personally i would get in touch with a Citizen Advice Bureau to talk about the situation and see what it is you can do & possibly a councillor to see if someone can help with talking to your daughter and getting to the bottom of it. Just a thought, sk your daughter to draw a picture of her at daddys house and see what she draws. Ask her after what the picture is about and maybe she will someone reveal what makes her upset. Ask her to draw her at mummys house and again ask about the picture and see what she says.
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