My Grandson wants to be nice, but can't seem to be well behaved, why, and what can I do?

[johnal17]

is there a forum for grandparents needing help with diagnosed children who have behaviour and anxiety issues?

I have a 10-year old grandson on the spectrum. He is loving but always creates havoc when he stays with us, to the point where we often end up shouting and warning him. He gets upset and goes back to his father that way, leaving me/Grandma wondering how we can go through it again, but desperate to have him back. During his visits he always asks if he can come back and promises to be better next time, but doesn't seem able to, even shortly after promising, so to me, he cannot help himself.

His family is broken and he has a brother who is a looked after child. His mum is loving but is itinerant in his life due to her own mental health issues and an addition. His father also has an adult autism diagnosis as does his father - sounds terrible i know but we are managing

We have 10 years of some experience helping his elder brother, but as you know, one sibling does not always behave the same as another! We are very supportive of all of them; always have been.

I would like to know if there is someone who has experience of children with similar challenges of wanting to be nice but not being able to, with family anxiety issues and in his case (I think), separation anxiety (mum). And who have suggestions of the cause of / how we might help with the behavioural issues

John

[Felicity21]

Hi Johna, It sounds very difficult and I feel for you. You already are aware of the fact that he can’t help himself but you might still like to read the book The Reason I Jump by Naoki Higashida which gives a wonderful insight into the mind of an autistic boy. We have an autistic grandson as well and I found reading books like How to raise a Happy Autistic Child by Jessie Hewitson very helpful. Autism Breakthrough by Raun Kaufman is another one. I like to read about how to prevent certain behaviour, how to have better contact by getting on his wavelength and have shared experiences with him. It sounds like you are already doing a wonderful job. I think loving them for who they are is the greatest gift.

[johnal17 in reply to Felicity21]

Agree completely, it's difficult but our grandchildren are truly wonderful and with difficulties it makes their character's all the more treasured. Thanks for suggesting the books, I'll be sure to make sure I look at them. And the very best wishes to you and your family

[kevinmhickson]

I wonder if your grandson may need different preparation for his visits to you as typically the child on the spectrum can experience real difficulty with change and transition?

[johnal17 in reply to kevinmhickson]

Worth exploring, so thanks for that, though I am unsure if will be different. He wants to come and see us and I think it might be that he feels he can be more relaxed : his other granparents seem to be a lot more strict when he is with them. Of course you can argue that's a good thing, we've certainly wondered if we should be more firm with him.Thanks for taking the time to reply and share your thoughts, much appreciated

[kevinmhickson in reply to johnal17]

just to add...maybe providing a bit more structure and routines during visits rather than needing to be stricter and firmer

[johnal17 in reply to kevinmhickson]

Yes, something we try to make sure is in place, even then his anxiety shows through. But we are working to find different ways to put the structures in place. The issues are very complex in him, not to unusual, so we keep on going. A lot of other stuff going on to be honest, which is not easy to discuss online but which impacts both grandsons

[kevinmhickson in reply to johnal17]

I appreciate it sounds complicated and makes it sometimes difficult to separate out what are the spectrum related issues and what are responses to stressful family circumstances. You must be a pillar of support!

[Thetealharp]

Have a look into sensory processing disorder, social stories, visual timetable, communication aids and staying calm is really important. Maybe have a look into PBS which might help.

[johnal17 in reply to Thetealharp]

Thank you I will take up your suggestions and study what we might do more to help him