How can I help my son who wants to be estranged from the family.

[telephonejunkie]

I am at a total loss as to what to do.

We have had a terrible Christmas. My 21yr old, autistic son(J) returned from Uni, initially spending a couple of days with his Grandmother before coming home on 19th. Grandmother and Grandson totally irritated each other and I was receiving nearly hourly messages from my son demanding I collect him even though I was still at work so could not go and collect him. Once home we managed nearly 24 hrs of co-habitation, with his brother and Dad before the complaints, verbal and physical abuse (to his younger brother) started from my son. From my view point, J is not prepared to be part of the family, his attitude would be more suited to a Hotel. Towards the end of last week he announced that he had discussed what was happening with friends on line and they agree the family was being abusive towards him and the environment was unsafe for him. Believing that the adjustment from living by himself, to returning to the family unit was too much, we decided to give J his space. Not placing any demands on him, to the extent that when I cooked a meal, my sons was kept to one side for when ever he wanted to eat. J had already swapped his waking hours, so he was wake playing on his playstation from late afternoon to 5/6am , sleeping during the day light hours.

Yesterday, New year eve, on returning from a hospital appointment at 3pm I found my son packing to leave. He had arranged to go to stay at a friends house and the friends family had agreed to take him to the station to back to Uni on Friday. The friend and parent were waiting at the village green to drive him to their home. He was determine to do this and I helped him get his suit case closed, before driving him to the meeting point(he wanted to walk). I spoke with the friends Dad, expressing my surprise at what had occurred. I think Dad was embarrassed and said the 2 friends had arranged everything by text. I gave him my contact details so he could get in contact with us if necessary.

I can't stress how worried I am about my son.He has just finished his 3 term at Uni. But he has found the adjusting to independence difficult. J has suffered from depression/anxiety for 2/3 years and although in some ways this appears to be improving, he has not attended a lecture since early November and is at least 3 assignments/ exams outstanding. J hasn't attended his counselling session, so he lost the rest of the course and he has not attended any of the sessions booked by other Uni support staff or responded to tutors who have reached out to him. I am extremely worried that he is on the slippery slope to dropping out. However, his house at Uni is now "home" and he has said since he first went to Uni that doesn't want to come back to the family home. He doesn't have a part-time job the idea of applying terrifies him. He cannot support himself and we cannot financially support him.

With his decision to leave, in the way he did yesterday I am upset,confused and worried about him.

Has anyone experience similar situations ? What should I do ?

[Hidden]

Hi you just have to let him get on with it as you can't live is life it's for him alone to work out his errors and ways with any fails along the way.

Modicodling him will only make it/him worse if feels your sitting on his shirt tails.

As long as he is somewhere safe ie friends it shouldn't be an issue and if old enough for Uni he is old enough to pull his own socks up!

I'm deemed Barking Mad (autistic/Aspergers)had to learn to stand on my own two feet pretty quickly as was in care all my life all ends at 18 back then."OUT you Go" old now!

Had my own flat and survived been rocky yes but not sunk "Yet" Do have a good periscope though! lol

[telephonejunkie in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your response.

I know that what you are saying is exactly right and this has been part of the dilemma. My biggest worry is that he will end up homeless and he has depended on us a lot, when it suits him or to bail him out of situations.

But yes, he does have to face up to living his own life.

[Hidden in reply to telephonejunkie]

Well sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Let him get on with what he wants and don't let him think your sitting there behind him ready to wipe his rear end stand well back even just be more cold and tell him ok off you go get on with it we have our own things to get on with.

If he gets it wrong let him be homeless for a short while before you make any attempt to rescue him so he learns not to play with fire!.

Know a family in similar situation mum and dad bails him out at i. wasted so much cash on him you won't believe as starts one thing then leaves it got him a new van which now selling and so on.

But without that cold sharp shock treatment they have no understanding of life and values if every time they sneeze someone wipes there nose or you will be forever going round and round in circles with him.

hope that makes sense?

[Tiera]

I haven’t got any advice but you are not alone as I am in similar position to you. I have a 21 year old son diagnosed with ASC (Autism Spectrum Condition), OCD, anxiety and depression and 24 year old son who is likely on the spectrum but undiagnosed as he refused to go through the assessment. My 24 year old packed his stuff 5 weeks ago and moved to his grandparents. Yes, he is legally old enough and he should be learning to stand on his own two feet but I really understand your worries as young people with ASC can be younger than than their peers in some areas of their development (I think emotional). I learned this on the autism course for parents, partners and carers. They said that my 24 year old is more like a 14 year old. I often describe my 21 year old like a mixture of preteen and a wise old man.

My eldest moved out because I was trying to teach him to take on some responsibilities ie paying me towards his keep (he is spending excessively on things for himself) and trying to get him to keep his things tidy and wash up after himself. I think he decided to move to his grandparents because they will not charge him rent. I have heard that his grandmother has already talked to him about his untidiness and his excessive spending, two of the things I was on at him about. I think he has autism and PDA (pathological demand avoidance). I am learning about PDA strategies at the moment.

All the best

[telephonejunkie in reply to Tiera]

Thank you both for your responses. They do balance what should happen.

Oscar, I think in some ways your upbringing has helped you make the leap to independence (although you may not think that).

Tiera, thank you for sharing and I agree"21 year old like a mixture of preteen and a wise old man" J does not see his "his untidiness and his excessive spending" only in others which causes friction with family and house mates. Although I have training in ASD I hadn't heard of PDA and I see a number of similarities. Do you have any links to strategies my initial searches only produced superficial sites.

[Tiera in reply to telephonejunkie]

I’ve joined a couple of Facebook groups and have listened to Harry Thompson on Youtube. I am planning to read Dr Ross Green’s Explosive Child. I work with SEN children and although I had heard and read about PDA before My interest was renewed recently because the Senco in the school I work in told me she thinks PDA is the reason some our students school refuse.

[Tiera in reply to Tiera]

youtube.com/watch?v=IALZrzS...(Not working as expected?)

Harry Thompson what not to say to a child with PDA he has other videos as well.