THE JOKES ARE READ BY ALL AGES SO NOTHING TO BAD OR RACIST AND NO BAD LANGUAGE.THANYOU-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes the docs and said he needed to loose some weight.The doc replies(put all your food up your bum and come see me in a few days)
He went back and told the doc it was fantastic and loosing weight fast.As the man goes to walk out the doc said (what are you walking funny for )the man replied im chewing a caramel.XXX
ps Woody-som s joke line also
613 Replies
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Why does it take 10 women with PMT to change a lightbulb?
i thought i would share one i was told this week :
a lady walks into a shop, goes up to the sales assistant and says may i try that dress on in the window
the sales assisstant replies: im really sorry but you will have to use the changing rooms just like our other customers !
A wife shoots her husband in the morning,
drowns him at midday
hangs him in the afternoon
but he takes her out to a romantic meal in the evening ..... HOW?
She's a photographer.
There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.
The cucumber said, ""Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad.""
The pickle looks at him and says, ""You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar.""
The penis looks at him and says, ""You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!.
Glynis, glad you like the joke, here's another for you.
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, ""What are you in here for?""
The second kid says, ""I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous,""
The first kid says, ""you've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of ice cream. It's a breeze,""
The second kid then asks, ""what are you here for?""
The first kid says, ""A Circumcision.""
The second kid says, ""Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his thing.
The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied ""If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dic-tator"".
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, ""I'm only here to listen to the music.""
""Yeah?"" replied the man. ""We're only here to see our dog.
Why don't women wear dresses in the winter?
- Chapped lips.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
- Because she gets a frog stuck in her throat at 69.
A school teacher asks her class 'What vegetable makes your eyes water?'
Little Johnny replies ' a turnip miss'.
'No Johnny' says the teacher, 'I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?'
'No miss' Says Johnny, 'Have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?'
An inmate escaped from the lunatic hospital. As he was sex-starved, he raped the first woman he saw on the roads.
The tabloid carried the headline: NUT BOLTS AND SCREWS
After all the publicity, Lorraina Bobit recieved after the trial, she decided to move to Russia and changed her name to Lorraina Cutacockoff
Moderator Message
Guys, I'm afraid I've had to remove several jokes on this thread as they weren't suitable for general consumption.
Please remember this is a message board for people of all ages - including children - and backgrounds, so please keep messages in decent taste.
Thanks,
CathBear
(Moderator)
Glynis has had this one to laugh at for 24hrs, so time to share with the rest.
101 Reasons why women prefer cucumbers to Men
1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get too excited.
5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see the movie.
12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and you can stay in the front seat.
13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.
14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send you out for Milk Duds.
15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
16. A cucumber won't ask: ""Am I the first?"".
17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache.
23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is.
24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.
25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent.
26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.
27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't: ...want to shake hands and be friends.
28. ...say, ""I'll call you a cab"".
29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind.
30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind.
31. ...call his ex-wife or therapist.
32. ...take you to confession.
33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore.
35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.
40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest.
44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.
45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
47. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.
48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.
50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
53. Cucumbers won't ask: ""Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?""
54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.
55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group.
56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.
58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or speculate about your next one.
59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.
61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey.
64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold.
70. Cucumbers don't count to 10.
71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
72. A cucumber will never leave you ... ...for another woman.
73. ...for another man.
74. ...for another cucumber.
75. A cucumber will never call and say ""I have to work late, Honey"", and then come home smelling like another woman.
76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.
77. You always know where a cucumber has been.
78. A cucumber never has to call ""the wife"".
79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.
80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
82. You won't find out later that your cucumber ... ...is married.
83. ...is on penicillin.
84. ...likes you - but loves your brother.
85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.
87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion.
88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family.
94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School.
95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
97. Cucumbers don't say ""Let's keep trying until we have a boy"".
98. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian.
99. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.
101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.
The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious
frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!...
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. “If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?†he asked. “Yes!†said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. “Go and get help!†he cried. “But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!†“Take my shoeâ€, he said, “and cover yourself.†Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!†The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, “There’s nothing I can do….he’s gone too far!â€
A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and can't help but ask, ""Is your date running late?""
""No,"" he replies, ""I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.""
The woman is intrigued and asks, ""A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?""
""It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,"" he explains.
""What's it telling you now?""
""Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...""
The woman giggles and replies, ""Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!""
The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, ""Damn thing must be an hour fast.
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u have to do it again
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some garden work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife ""Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill"" She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, ""Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!"" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, ""If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, ""Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while.""
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
""Before you look in there,"" he says, ""keep in mind this is the same woman who spanked our butts just for sucking our thumbs.
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts his picture in half and sends her the top part.
Later, he receives another letter asking him to send another picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but
accidentally sends her the bottom part. He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong part, but he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes that she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives another letter from his grandmother. It says, ""Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... It makes your nose look long.
one for the girls
In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
Moderator message
Hello again, folks!
Unfortunately - and despite CathBear's previous message - we've had a slew of very unsuitable jokes posted to this thread today, and have received a number of complaints about them. As a result, we've had to delete six posts from here.
Please remember the terms and conditions of posting to this message board (there's a link to them on the left below the ""Talking points"" and ""Search"" boxes), in particular:
* keep your messages civil, *tasteful* and relevant
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* [do not] use obscenity...
Whilst it would be a crying shame to have to do so, if we continue to have inappropriate material posted to this thread then we will have no alternative but to pull it altogether. We don't want to do that, so please keep to the terms and conditions when posting here.
Thanks, folks.
Steve
(moderator)
A man walked into the ladies department of one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, ""I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.""
""What type of bra?"" asked the sales assistant.
""Type?"" inquires the man. ""There is more than one type?""
""Look around,"" said the saleslady, as she showed him a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material.
""Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,"" replied the sales assistant.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied ""The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?""
Still confused the man asked, ""What is the difference between them?""
The lady responded ""It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
Smart Mum
A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.
""Why,"" asked the little girl.
""Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs.""
The little girl looked up at her mum with admiration and asked, ""How do you know so much?""
Thinking quickly, the mother said, ""All mums know so much. We have to. It's on the Mummy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mummy.""
The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. ""I get it!"" she said. ""If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!""
""Yep,"" said the mum.
What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
Husband's infidelity
""Your Honor,"" the wife says to the judge, ""I want a divorce. My husband has been cheating on me.""
""That is a serious accusation,"" the judge said. ""Do you have any evidence to substantiate this claim of your husband's infidelity?""
""Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down Broadway when I saw him go into a movie with another woman.""
""Who was this other woman?"" the judge asked.
""I don't know. I never saw her before.""
""Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out who she was. It may have been just a harmless coincidence. You should have gone in after them.""
""I would have,"" she explained, ""but the fellow I was with had already seen the movie.
Louise went into her bank to cash a cheque. She looked so hesitant that the cashier went to help her. 'Please sign the back of the cheque, 'the teller told her, 'as you'd sign a letter.'
Louise looked extremely grateful, scribbled on the cheque and passed it back to the cashier.
Signed on the back was: 'Yours affectionately, Louise.'
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non- Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after
some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.
When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did you know?'
Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'
A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, ""Hello?""
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the
youngster, the boss asked, ""Is your Daddy home?""
""Yes,"" whispered the small voice.
""May I talk with him?"" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, ""No.""
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ""Is your Mommy there?""
Yes,"" came the answer.
""May I talk with her?""
Again the small voice whispered, ""No.""
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person
who should be there watching over the child.
""Is there anyone there besides you?"" the boss asked the child.
""Yes,"" whispered the child, ""a policeman.""
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, ""May I speak with the policeman?""
""No, he's busy,"" whispered the child.
""Busy doing what?"" asked the boss.
""Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,"" came the whispered
answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, ""What
is that noise?""
""A hello-copper,"" answered the whispering voice.
""What is going on there?"" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, ""The search team
just landed the hello-copper.""
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss
asked, ""What are they searching for?""
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle, ""Me.
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.
Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.
""If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?"" she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
""You have 171 sheep,"" said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.
She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, ""if I can guess your real hair colour, will you give me my sheep back?""
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. ""You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog.
Health Questions and Answers
1. Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
2. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat turkey or chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable slop.
3. Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As
we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and
wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements,
so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a
beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
4. Q: How can I calculate my body fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
5. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is No Pain -- Good.
6. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?
7. Q: What's the real secret to healthier eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
8. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
9. Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans...another vegetable. It's the best feel-good
food around!
Elephant trap
Couple of years ago, we had sheep fencing across the back of the garden between us and the school, We were going to attach wind-break fabric to the sheep fencing - the wind comes straight off the hills and flattens everything in its path. Unfortunately it also funnels around the school too. So in winter we have wind from two directions resulting in a whirlwind which has, in previous years, flattened every type of fence we've put up.
this time, we had the wire sheep fence at ground level and tensioned - its about three feet high - and a second lot going across about two feet above that, also tensioned. But no netting added as yet.
Wee girl of about eight came across the playground one day when I was hanging out the washing and asked why we had a funny-looking fence. I said ""it's not a fence, It's an elephant trap!""
You could see her thinking. Eventually she said ""But there aren't any elephants round here.""
And turning to go back down the garden I said, over my shoulder, ""See? It works!""
Keeked back and she was walking slowly away, shaking her head. Wee soul. Maybe she believed me. Maybe she thought I was daft.
Florida...
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. Â The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. Â After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:Â
To:Â
My Loving WifeÂ
Subject: I've Arrived…
Date: October 16, 2007Â
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Â Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!Â
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.Â
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: ""Delta 351, you have traffic at 10  o'clock, 6 miles!""
Delta 351: ""Give us another hint! We have digital  watches!""
Tower: ""TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45  Degrees.""
TWA  2341: ""Centre, we are  at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?""
Tower: ""Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a  727?""
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long  takeoff queue: ""I'm  f....ing bored!""
Ground Traffic  Control: ""Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!""
Unknown  aircraft: ""I said I  was f...ing bored, not f....ing stupid!""
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: ""United 329 heavy, your traffic is a  Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.""
United 329: ""Approach, I've always wanted to say  this...I've got the little Fokker in sight.""
A student became lost during a  solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,  ATC asked, ""What was  your last known position?""Â
Student: ""When I was number one for takeoff.""
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San JoseTower Noted:
""American 751, make a  hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe  exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and  return to the airport.""
 Â
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance  in  Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in  German): ""Ground, what  is our start clearance time?""
Ground (in  English): ""If you want  an answer you must speak in English.""
Lufthansa (in  English): ""I am a  German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak  English?""
Unknown voice from another plane  (in a beautiful British accent): ""Because you lost the bloody war!""
Tower: ""Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact  Departure on frequency 124.7""
Eastern  702: ""Tower, Eastern  702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of  dead animal on the far end of the runway.""
Tower: ""Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind  Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?""Â
Continental 635: ""Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and  yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our  caterers.""
One day the pilot of  a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back  past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the  radio and said,""What  a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?""
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go  by, came back with a real zinger: ""I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.""
The German air controllers at  Frankfurt  Airport  are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's  gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between  Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign  Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "" Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of  active runway.""
Ground:  ""Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.""
The BA 747 pulled onto the main  taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: ""Speedbird, do you not know where you are  going?""
Speedbird    206: ""Stand by,  Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.""
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): ""Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt  before?""
Speedbird 206  (coolly): ""Yes, twice  in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.""
While taxiing at  London 's Airport, the crew  of a  US Air flight departing for  Ft.  Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came  nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground  controller lashed out at the  US Air crew, screaming: ""US Air 2771, where the hell are you  going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on  Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference  between C and D, but get it right!""
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting  hysterically: ""God!  Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You  stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive  taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I  tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US  Air  2771?""
""Yes,  ma'am,"" the humbled crew  responded.
Naturally, the ground control  communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her  current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was  definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and  keyed his microphone, asking: ""Wasn't I married to you once?
What goes ha ha, bonk! - A man laughing his head off.
Man brings a hamster to the vet, saying ""Can you do anything? He won't move.""
The vet looked at the hamster and then said, ""I'm sorry. Its not good. He's dead.""
The man said, ""No, I don't believe you!""
So the vet said, ""Wait here."" and brought in his Labrador. The Labrador bent down and sniffed at the hamster. Then sat back and shook his head.
""See?"" said the vet. ""The hamster is dead.""
The man still didn't believe the vet, so vet went away and this time, brought in his cat. The cat looked the hamster all over before sitting back and shaking his head.
""See I told you"" said the vet . ""the hamster is dead.""
""OK"", said the man. ""I believe you. I'll go home and bury him in the garden. How much do I owe you?""
The vet said, ""That will be £1,250""
The man said ""£1,250!""
The vet said ""Yes. If you'd believed me the first time, it would only be £20. But now you've had a lab report and a cat scan.""
Knock, knock. Who's there? Cornflakes Cornflakes who? I'll tell you next week, it's a cereal.
A cannibal goes on a cruise. He goes to the restaurant. Waiter: ""Can I get you the menu, sir?"" Cannibal: ""No, bring me the passenger list"".
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
An egg!
Employee evaluations.
Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations:
1. ""Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.""
2. ""I would not allow this employee to breed.""
3. ""This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.""
4. ""This young lady has delusions of adequacy.""
5. ""Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.""
6. ""When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.""
7. ""He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.""
8. ""This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.""
9. ""This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better.
Cannibal story
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $7.00
Fried Explorer: $9.00
Politition: $150.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of sh*t, it takes all morning.'
STRESS "" 
THE CONFUSION CREATED WHEN
ONE'S MIND OVERRIDES THE
BODY'S BASIC DESIRE TO CHOKE
THE LIVING EFFLUENT OUT OF
SOME POLTROON WHO DESPERATELY NEEDS IT!
There are
10
types of people in the World.
Those who understand binary
and those who don’t.
10 Things that Would Happen If Microsoft Made Cars
And the funny part is, we would all think that these things were perfectly normal ...
1. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
2. We would all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
3. The US Government would get subsidies from an auto maker first.
4. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a “GENERAL CAR FAULT†warning light.
5. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.
6. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
7. You could only have one person in your car at a time, unless you bought CarXP or Car2000, but then you would need to buy more seats.
8. Occasionally your car would die for no reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would accept this as normal.
9. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
10. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other car makers for years.
GrafxArt, i get the 01000010011010010110111001100001011100100111100100100000011011110110111001100101, some might not, you're lucky, you don't experience any of the above.
Lawyer: ""Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?""
Client: ""After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning,
I'm beginning to think I didn't.
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
Good 01 Grafxart. Like woodysom, I get it 10. That makes 11 of us, at least.
Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.
GrannyMo - I love the Halloween/Christmas joke, I haven't heard that one before but I shall definitely be using it to confuse from now on - brilliant. The binary one - make that at least 100 of us - it's one I like to confuse with
Here's another maths/physics based one you might appreciate:
Q: There are two cats balanced on a steep roof. Which one falls off first?
A: The one with the smallest mew.
It is a little known fact that it was a woman who invented the computer. How do we know this?
Well, computers count in Hexadecimal, in 16s instead of 10s, therefore: 40 = 28
How old are you? ;oD
Actual Doctors’ Notes on Patient Charts
This just goes to prove that doctors (and other health care providers) are people too ...
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
* She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
* The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
* Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
* The patient refused an autopsy.
* The patient has no past history of suicides.
* Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
* The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Med reality
I can do better than that. In a previous life, I was a medical secretary within an Ortho Dept.
Our audio tapes provided some laughter at times. e.g. this patient has a broken forearm and should be placed in a below knee cast.
Or the chap we had who smashed his hand when digging in the garden. New spade, new garden, new gardener. Took hold of spade, took mighty swing back and smacked his hand off the shed window. Breaking glass in process. LOL bet he was popular at home.
Physics is Fun
Thanks Ratty,
What stopped my orange falling off the table? Pulp friction.
If you break the Law of Gravity, do you get a suspended sentence?
What did the Dali Lama say when his kettle gave him an electric shock? Ohmmmm.
When a cat drops from a height it lands right side up. When buttered toast drops from a height it lands butter side down. Should we be dispensing with plates and strapping our buttered toast to the back of cats?
GM
Techie. Nat Phil, GU -'70s. Happy days.
GM, don't know about replacing plates with cats, the fur might cause a problem, sticky gravy etc, but ideal replacement for parachutes, as long as you land on top them, soft landing place.
Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield
(for those who don't know who he was, he was a famous american comedian)
Because he said ...
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache!
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying, I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'
He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
** Please, if anyone finds one of the lines to be offensive in anyway, please PM me with which one, and I'll remove the line...thanks **
There was this piece of string who went into a shop. He went up to the counter and asked for some shampoo. The shopkeeper said, ""Hey, out of here. We don't serve pieces of string."" So the piece of string went away, then came back in a disguise. The shopkeeper noticed and sent him away again. So the piece of string came back for a final time and the shopkeeper said.....
I.... are you that piece of string again?
No sir, I'm a frayed knot!
Passionate Drunk Woman
Two police officers saw an old woman staggering out a local bar, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.
They loaded her into the police car one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.
As they drove through the streets they kept asking the old woman where she lived, all the old lady would say as she stroked the officers arm is, “You’re Passionate.â€
They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, “You’re Passionate.â€
The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, “Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven’t told us where you live!â€
She replied, “I keep trying to tell you, you’re passin it!â€
One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.
A pre-med student rudely interrupted, demanding, ""Why do we have to learn all this stuff?""
""To save lives,"" the professor responded quickly, and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.
""So, how exactly does physics save lives?"" he persisted.
""It keeps the idiots out of medical school,"" replied the professor.
You're a breath of fresh air, ...........just like my asthma inhaler!
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey did?â€
The guy says, “No, what?â€
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!â€
“Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,†replies the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little sod. Sorry. I'll pay for everything.†The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?†he asks.
“No, what?†replies the guy.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his bottom, pulled it out, and ate it!†says the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,†replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.â€
Thanks WoodySom for keeping me cheery today
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She
went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said
to her, ""If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.""
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, ""Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"" The woman said,
""That's okay."" For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman
in the world. The frog warned her, ""You do realize that this wish will also
make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women
will flock to"". The woman replied,
""That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have
eyes only for me."" So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The
frog said, ""That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you. "" The woman said, ""That's okay, because
what's mine is his and what's his is mine."" So, KAZAM-she's the richest
woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she
answered, ""I'd like a mild heart attack.""
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and
continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen!!!
Hi nan
love the joke, something men have known for years, just that were too dumb to shut up and accept it.
loving grandson no 109 (chris)
Did you hear about the woman that got robbed by 3 asthmatics,
She told the police, she don't know why, as she should have heard them coming
Don't upset the Wife
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 150.00 dollar fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's Drunk.'
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
""Miss Beatrice,"" he said: ""I wonder if you would tell me about this?"" pointing to the bowl.
""Oh, yes,"" she replied, ""Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. And do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter?""
(should this have gone in the flu thread ?)
I can't breathe without that
A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on
her head.
""I need to take that walkman off your head,"" says the beauty
specialist as she notices the blonde.
""You can't! I'll die!"" retorts the blonde.
""I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!"" says the
beauty specialist getting annoyed.
""I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!""
The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman
and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the
blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen,
she hears it repeating ""breath in, breath out, breath in"".
Woody,brill jokes,make me laugh loads xxxx
Golden Wedding Anniversary
-------------------------
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen
when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their
Golden Wedding Anniversary.
""Let's have a big party, Homer,"" she suggested. ""You'll need to kill a pig.""
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. ""Gee, Ethel,"" he finally answered,
""I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened
fifty years ago.
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
""This"", he said, ""is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it"".
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.
""Where is my father?"" he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.
The clever Guest laughed.
""Actually"", he said, ""My father is dead""!
It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, ""Where is my mother's husband?""
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, ""Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa.
My mother, Evelyn, was a very robust woman in both spirit and size. She was in the hospital, not feeling well, but her sense of humour was still top-drawer.
We were chatting when the surgeon came in with her chart. ""Evelyn,"" he said, ""it says here that you're 79 years old, but that doesn't seem right.""
""Well, it's true"" she said. ""I'll be 80 at the end of this year.""
""You don't have any wrinkles on your face!"" he exclaimed.
""Oh, that's easy to explain,"" Mom said. ""I don't have a bra on!
Men are like.......
.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: ""How much for the set of antlers?""
""Two hundred quid,"" says the bloke behind the counter.
""That's affa deer,"" says the guy.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: ""What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?""
""I'd put him off at the next stop,"" he says.
""Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?""
""I'd take the first two weeks in August,"" he replies.
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - ""Aye right.
Q. How do you know if you're being approached by the Quantum Mafia?
A. They make you an offer you can't understand!
Q. What is Ba(na)2?
A. A banana.
Q. What's the difference between chemistry and cooking?
A. In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
A drunken man gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork.
""About two hours,"" says the conductor.
""Okay,"" says the drunkard, ""then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?""
The irate conductor says to the drunk ""It's still about two hours, laddie. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?""
""Well,"" says the drunk, ""it's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's and Christmas!
A teacher of Spanish
Was explaining to her class
that in Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either
masculine or feminine.
""House""
for instance,
is feminine:
""la casa.""
""Pencil,""
however,
is masculine:
""el lapiz..""
A student asked,
""What gender is 'computer'?""
Instead of giving the answer,
the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female,
and asked them to decide
for themselves whether
""computer""
should be
a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked
to give four reasons
for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that
""computer""
should definitely be
of the feminine gender
(""la computadora""),
because:
1. No one but their creator
understands their internal logic;
2. The native language
they use to communicate
with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes
are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make
a commitment to one,
you find yourself spending
half your salary
on accessories for it.
The women's group,
however, concluded
that computers should be Masculine
(""el computador""),
because:
1. In order to do anything
with them,
you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data
but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed
to help you solve problems,
but half the time
they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one,
you realize that if you
had waited a little longer,
you could have gotten
a better model.
Who has the ‘correct’ definition?
computers are definitely feminine because,
1. Only female Logic would allow a AND OR IF NOT argument
2. when things go wrong they leave meaningless messages
3. without warning they stop responding when you press the buttons.
4. if it was male it would only do one task at a time.
The doctor knocked at the hospital door before entering ManMohan's room.
ManMohan called out to come in.
The doctor then proceeded to tell ManMohan to remove all of his clothing after which he gave him a thorough, from top to bottom, front to back, leaving no part of his body untouched.
When he had finished, ManMohan looked the doctor straight in the eye and asked, ""Doctor, can I ask you a question?""
""Of course,"" he replied.
ManMohan asks, ""Why did you even bother to knock?
computer programmer
A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.†He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.â€
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want.†Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?†The programmer said, “Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.â€
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
The Minister and the Taxi Driver
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed
in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, ""Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you
to the Kingdom of Heaven?""
The guy replies, ""I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.""Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles
and says to the taxi-driver, ""Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom.""
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, ""I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's
for the last 43 years.""
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, ""Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter
the Kingdom.""
""Just a minute,"" says the minister. ""That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
How can this be?""
""Up here, we work by results,"" says Saint Peter.
""While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.
Cat Rules of Life
~ Make the world your playground.
~ Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
~ If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
~ When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
~ Always find a good patch of sun to nap in. Nap often.
~ When in trouble, just purr and look cute. Life is hard, and then you nap.
~ Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
~ Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.
~ Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
~ Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
~ Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, 'I care'.
one for the girls.
Q: How do you keep your boyfriend/husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to ""instruction manuals
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
Because it ran out of juice!
2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate! When I said 'white' they lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. Flipping Hovis Witnesses......
True Brit
Being a true Britain is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?.....Suspicion of anything foreign.
SOMETIMES IT DOES TAKE A ROCKET SCIENTIST:
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.
Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: ""Thaw the chicken.
A woman was telling her friend, ""It was I who made my husband a millionaire.""
""And what was he before you married him?"" asked the friend.
The woman replied, ""A billionaire.""
Oh so true !
Q. Why are frogs so happy?
A. They eat whatever bugs them!
Q. How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
A. Unhoppy.
Q. What's green green green green green?
A. A frog rolling down a hill.
Q. What did the frog order at McDonald's?
A. French flies and a diet Croak.
Q. Why did the frog go to the hospital?
A. He needed a ""hopperation""!
Q. How deep can a frog go?
A. Knee-deep Knee-deep!
How to get to Heaven from Ireland
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.
' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out ""You've gotta be bloomin' dead to get into heaven!
Eve's Story
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden , God came to visit Eve. ""So, how is everything going?"" inquired God.
""It is all so beautiful, God,"" she replied. ""The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.""
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ""symmetrically balanced"".
""That's a fair point,"" replied God, ""But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.""
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
""Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?""
""Just fantastic,"" she replied, ""But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone. ""
God thought for a moment and said, ""You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?
Hi all,
Don't delete this
because it looks weird.
Believe it or not you can read it.
And it's short.
This is awesome!
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt
Several women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said ""My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to hell.""
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said ""I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven.""
Another one said, ""No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it.""
So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said ""You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?""
She says ""No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to hell!""
They were shocked and asked why.
""Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you?
Two Englishmen - businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ""I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.""
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a Thick Irish accent asked ""What are you selling' here.""
One of the men replied sarcastically, ""We're selling arse-holes.""
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, ""You are doing well ... Only two left!
The Nine Important Men In A Woman's Life
1. THE DOCTOR:
because he says, ""Take your clothes off.""
2. THE DENTIST:
because he says, ""Open wide.""
3. THE HAIRDRESSER:
because he says,""Do you want it teased or blown?"".
4. THE MILKMAN:
because he says, ""Do you want it in the front or the back?""
5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR:
because he says, ""Once it's in, you'll love it!""
6. THE STOCK BROKER:
because he says, ""It will rise right up, fluctuate
for a while, and then slowly fall back again.""
7. THE BANKER:
because he says, ""If you take it out too soon,
you'll lose interest.
8. THE HUNTER:
because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and
always eats what he shoots.
9. THE TELEPHONE GUY:
because he says, ""Would you like it on the table or up
against the wall?
Q: Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
A: The police thought it was a cereal killer.
A woman spotted a quiet looking but attractive man across a
crowded room at a convention in Las Vegas. Easing up next to
him, she asked him if he would like to join her for a drink.
""I don't know,"" said the man. ""I've got a wife and two kids
at home.""
She replied, ""Who's it going to hurt? I don't know you, you
don't know me, they don't know us, and we don't know them.""
The man thought about it for a second and then agreed. A few
drinks later, the woman invited him up to her room for a
nightcap.
When he hesitated again, she said, ""I don't know you, you
don't know me, they don't know us, and we don't know them.""
So he agreed.
After a few more drinks in her room, the two of them were
starting to get pretty friendly. She cooed in the man's ear,
""let's get this party rolling...""
Bewildered, the man exclaimed, ""If I don't know you, you
don't know me, they don't know us, and we don't know them,
then who the hell are we going to invite?
What does a skeleton say when he wants to eat?
Bone appetit!
On The First Day......
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit by the door of your house all day and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I will give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?'
So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's a kind of tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I will give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty that the cow gave back, the ten that the monkey gave back and the ten that the dog gave back? That makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You may have them.'
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun, to support our family. For the ten years after that, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. Then, for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you!
Diary of a Blonde Wife
*Monday:*
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, ""beat 12 eggs separately."" Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
*Tuesday:*
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, ""serve without dressing."" So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
*Wednesday:*
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, ""wash thoroughly before steaming the rice."" So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
*Thursday:*
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving."" I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.
*Friday:*
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, ""put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it."" Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.
*Saturday:*
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out ""why me? why me ?"" Hmmm....It must be his job.
Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time and reminds him to be still and keep quiet.
An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. ""I thought I told you to be quiet!"" says Joe.
""Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me,"" says Steve, ""and I was quiet when the fox attacked me. But when the two squirrels crawled up my trouser leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'
Disaster
""Oh,No!"" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived, he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16 year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath an proceeded.
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. ""Danny! Danny!"" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened.
There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, ""Danny!""
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. ""Yes, Dad,"" he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
""It's time to get up and get ready for school,"" the man sighed, ""and, for Heaven's sake, clean up this room!""
Special meal
A lady fixed her husband a special meal for his birthday. After dinner she fixed him a pitcher of martinis then poured him a drink. Then she left to pick up his favourite dessert from the local bakery.
When she returned from her errand she found her husband, drink in hand, prancing about the living room wearing her bra, panties and high heels. ""What the hell is going on!"" she exclaimed.
Her husband got a quizzical look on his face and said ""What? You asked what I wanted for my birthday and I told you. I wanted to eat, drink and........be Mary.
Petrol station
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, ""Fill it up, will you?"".
The man says ""Sorry -we're right out of petrol.""
So the man considers, and says ""Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?""
And the attendant responds ""Sorry, but no oil either.""
The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen,to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant ""Just what kind of petrol station is this ?""
The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man ""To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front."" The man then says ""Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres!
Job Interview
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked ""What is the fastest thing you know of?"" pointing to the man on his right.
The first man replied ""A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.""
""That's very good!"" replied the interviewer. And now you sir?
He asked the second man. ""Hmm.... let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.""
""Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant."" Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.""
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ""It's hard to beat the speed of light."" he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.
""After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea.""
""WHAT!?"" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
""Oh I can explain."" said the fourth man. ""You see the other day wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I'd crapped in my pants!""
He got the job.
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor,
crawled painfully onto a stool, and ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, ""Crushed nuts?""
""No,"" he replied, ""it's just arthritis.
Fishing
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden
After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him... ""Lets see yer fishin' license, Boy!!"" the Warden gasped. With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
""Well, son,"" said the Game Warden, ""you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!""
""Yes, sir,"" replied the young feller, ""But my friend back there, well, he don't have one...""
#################################
Why did the farmer call his pig ""Ink?""
Because it was always running out of the pen.
The manager
The manager of a large corporation suffers a heart attack and the doctor tells him to go to a farm to relax. The guy goes to a farm, and after a couple of days he is very bored, so he asks the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer tells him to clean up all the cow manure. The farmer thought that for somebody coming from the city, working his whole life sitting in a plush office, it will take him over a week to finish the job, but to his surprise the manager finishes the job in less than a day.
The next day the farmer gives to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer is sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes are still empty.
The farmer asks the manager: ""How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first 2 days, and you cannot do this simple job?""
The manager answered: ""Listen, all my life I've been cutting heads and dealing with crap, but now you ask me to take decisions!
You know you're a nurse if...........
You would like to meet the inventor of the nurse buzzer system some night in a dark alley.
Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.
You know the phone number of every late night food delivery place by heart.
Almost everything can seem funny ... eventually.
When asked by the doctor what color that patient's diarrhoea was, you show them your shoes. If they missed your shoes, you use the well-known ""poo curry colour scale"" ranging from chicken korma to spinach vindaloo.
You can identify different causes of diarrhoea by the smell of it.
Every time you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the keys, scissors and clamps in your pocket.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing than they know. (mainly because you have tried it).
You refuse to watch Casualty because its too much like the real thing and it triggers flashbacks
OR...
Your family refuse to let you watch Casualty because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and pointing out upside down X-rays. Or shouting at the TV each time a baby is born 'that baby's never a new born!'.
You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another table throws up.
Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you. Most of them have the names of laxatives on them.
You don't get excited about blood; unless it's your own.
You live by the motto ""to be right is only half the battle, to convince the doctor is more difficult""
Eating crisps out of a clean sick-bowl is perfectly normal.
Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.
When checking the level of a patient's orientation you aren't sure of the day yourself. Or if nightshift, the month.
You find yourself checking out other customers' veins in supermarket queues.
You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table on your dinner break and are not embarrassed when you wake up.
You throw a farewell buffet for a co-worker and use a bed sheet for a tablecloth and bedpans to hold the nachos.
You often stay awake for 24+ hrs at a time when you work nights and realise you don't need alcohol or drugs to hallucinate just lack of sleep...
You pull over in a layby after working nights because you are too tired to drive home and wake up to someone knocking on your window thinking you've had a stroke because you're passed out in your car drooling.
Your finger has gone into places you never thought possible.
You've seen more penises than any prostitute.
You cannot resist the urge to tell passers by wearing tubigrip that they should be wearing it toe to knee - not just around their ankle.
Patient - ""Doctor, can you tell me what I can do to keep from getting pregnant?""
Doctor - ""Why certainly, just eat peanut butter.""
Patient - ""I love Peanut butter! Before or after?""
Doctor - ""Neither before nor after. Instead of!
Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, two, one, two, three, four!
A man arrived at a walk-in medical clinic, promptly at opening time, only to find two other men outside, waiting.
The door was still locked.
He knew one of the men and they started talking. About five minutes later the receptionist came running across the parking lot, apologizing for being late.
The man turned to his friend and asked, ""Are you first in line to see the doctor?""
""Yes,"" the other replied.
""Well, I guess I'm third then,"" he said.
""No,"" the second man said, ""you're second.""
""Second? What about you?""
""I'm the doctor.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read.
It said, ""I can't talk! Help me!""
The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table.
The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.
""AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! !!"" the man yelled.
""Good, very good,"" the doctor said. ""Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the `B'.
This is a big one - Take cover !!
What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?
“It's all your fault!â€
Dull minds .... Great comments ?
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
""Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.""
--------------------------------
Winston Bennett, Kentucky Uni basketball player.
""I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.""
---------------------------------
Jason Kidd, upon his being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks
""We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.""
------------------------------------
Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
""I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.""
-------------------------------------
Charles De Gaulle - Former French President
""China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
A woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car,
opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few
seconds of intense thinking, she takes a dipstick in her
hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant:
""Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?""
""May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?""
""Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!""
""Carrie Prejean is in the news again for making a porno-
graphic video tape. She's trying to downplay the incident.
In pageant terms, it was a swim-suit competition minus the
swim suit but with a lot of baton twirling."" -Jimmy Kimmel
Magilla, our apeman boss, came into the office the other day
sporting a snappy new suit.
""Nice threads,"" I commented. ""Where'd you pick 'em up?""
He beamed self satisfiedly, ""My wife got them for me. Pretty
sharp, huh?""
""Not bad. What was the occasion?""
""Got me,"" admitted Magilla with a cheerful shrug. ""I came
home from work early the other day and there they were,
hanging over the chair in the bedroom.""
""Jennifer Lopez is suing her ex-husband for threatening to
release a sex tape of her. Apparently it's the first J Lo
movie that anyone has wanted to see in 10 years.
Thanks Woody - made me smile
One evening a blonde went to seafood restaurant for dinner. When she saw the tank where they kept the lobsters
she asked a waiter, ""Why are those creatures in that tank?""
""They are the lobsters we serve our customers!"" answered the waiter.
""You mean you're going to kill them,"" said the blonde.
""Absolutely,"" said the waiter.
The blonde was so upset that she immediately left, drove to a nearby convenience store, purchased some hefty bags
and returned to the restaurant to accomplish her covert mission.
Taking pity on the poor creatures, she waited until the moment was right, and snatched all of the lobsters from the tank, threw them in the bag, and hightailed it out of the restaurant.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free
don't know why I find this funny !
How to Turn Down Unwanted Men
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go out once or twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
my 3 years old's favourites
What does a crab like for dinner?
fish n'snips
Knock knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive a cuppa tea please.
Why did the golf go to hospital?
Because it was crazy.
During a bank robbery, the police chief told the sergeant to cover all the exits so that the robbers couldn't get away.
Later, the sergeant reports to the chief, ""Sorry, sir, but they got away.""
The chief, very angry, says, ""I told you to cover all the exits!""
""I did,"" replied the sergeant, ""but they got away through the entrance.
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 MPH. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, ""I'll bet none of you thought I would make it to the bathroom in time.
Mottos to work by...
- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
-
Never Jump to Conclusions !
Little Johnny has been bringing his drawings home
from kindergarten everyday since he started a month
ago. Each day his mother admires the pictures and
hangs them on the refrigerator. One thing starts
bothering her though. Little Johnny only uses black
and browns for his drawings.
Fearing a problem with her young son and not wanting
to make it worse, she decides to take him to a child
psychologist.
The psychologist delicately goes to work. He gives
Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chats with
for two weeks, the tests continue. Yet everyday, little
Johnny continues to bring home drawings in only black
and brown.
Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the
problem and fearful that something is terribly wrong,
the child psychologist decides to give little Johnny some
paper and a box of crayons and observe what happens.
Little Johnny opens the box of crayons and says, ""Oh
boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old
boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!
Hot Air!
A speaker was having a little difficulty starting
his speech.
All of a sudden someone in the audience shouted:
""Tell 'em all you know. It will only take a minute.""
""I'll tell them all we both know,"" shot back the
speaker. ""It won't take any longer.
Who is clever? Teacher or student?
One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night and Didn't Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.
Q.1. Your Name........ ......... ......... (2 MARKS)
Q.2. Which tyre burst ?........... ....(98 MARKS)
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right.....!! !
True story from IIT Bombay ...Batch 1992-96
Bellboy
Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
""Congregation,"" the priest said before the assembled masses. ""Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell.
Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don’t really care for them.
4. Although they don’t really care for them, they always have one Around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pished off If the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don’t learn from their Mistakes and still try their luck with others.
************ ***
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive Clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something To wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress Beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just “An old ragâ€.
6. Although their clothes are always “just an old ragâ€, they still Expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don’t Believe you
Caveman Tech Support
The tech support problem dates back to long
before the industrial revolution, when primitive
tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to
communicate:
Fire help. Me Groog.
Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
Ugh.
You hit them together?
Ugh.
What happen?
Fire not work.
(sigh) Make spark?
No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work
yesterday.
*sigh* You change rock?
I change nothing.
You sure?
Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak
in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Only
small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.
*Groog grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*
*WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM*
*WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM*
(steve, things never change huh!)
-------------------------
""Never attribute to malice what can satisfactorily
be explained away by stupidity""
-- Anonymous
doctor jokes
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, ""What happened to your ears?""
He says, ""Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.""
The boss says, ""Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?""
He says, ""Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!""
************ **
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: ""Doctor, I have an ear ache.""
2000 B.C. - ""Here, eat this root.""
1000 B.C. - ""That root is heathen, say this prayer.""
1850 A.D. - ""That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.""
1940 A.D. - ""That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.""
1985 A.D. - ""That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.""
2000 A.D. - ""That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!""
************ **
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for £600.
The doctor exclaimed, ""This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!.""
The plumber quietly answered, ""Neither did I when I was a doctor.""
************ **
A doctor said to his car mechanic, ""Your rate is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.""
""Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year.""
************ **
The seven-year old girl told her mom, ""A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.""
""Oh, dear,"" the mother nervously sighed. ""What happened, honey?""
""Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then told me to go home.""
************ **
""The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.""
""And did he?""
""Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.""
************ **
A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, ""Shingles.""
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, ""Shingles.""
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, ""Shingles.""
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, ""Shingles.""
The doctor said, ""Where?""
He said, ""Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?""
************ **
A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, ""Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better.""
The voice on the other end of the line said, ""What is the patient's name and room number?""
She said, ""Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.""
He said, ""Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday.""
The man on the phone said, ""From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!""
She said, ""I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!""
************ **
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. ""But doctor, you don't understand,"" they said, ""Dad hasn't walked in over a year!
what do you call a deer with no eyes????????????
no ideer
Holiday Diet Tips""
1 - If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2 - If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,
they cancel each other out.
3 - When eating with someone else, calories
don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4 - Foods used for medicinal purposes have
no calories. This includes any chocolate used
for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten
whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.
5 - Movie-related foods are much lower in calories
simply because they are a part of the entertainment
experience and not part of one's personal fuel.
This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior
Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6 - Cookie pieces contain no calories because the
process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7 - If you eat the food off someone else's plate,
it doesn't count.
8 - If you eat standing up the calories all go to
your feet and get walked off.
9 - Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories,
courtesy of Santa.
10 - STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
""I Don't Want To Be A Doctor Because""
If I were a pathologist I'd be in a dead end job.
If I were a biologist I'd be in jeans all the time.
Anesthesiology would put me to sleep.
Cell specialists are too cultured for my taste.
I can't stand podiatry.
I can't see myself as an ophthalmologist.
I'm too old to be a gerontologist.
I would have to be crazy to become a psychiatrist.
But a friend told me that ontology would grow on me.
I'm told pediatrics is child's play!
I haven't got the heart to be a cardiologist.
And they'd see right through me if I went into radiology.
And I really couldn't face it if I were a dermatologist.
I haven't got the spine to be a chiropractor.
I'm not cut out to be a surgeon.
If I weren't such a baby, I'd become a gynecologist.
It's been drilled into me that I should be a dentist.
I'd rather be a plumber than a urologist.
If I were a proctologist I'd have to look at butt holes all day.
more 'He, She fun...'
HE: I’m a photographer I’ve been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I’d like to have some pleasure too !
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share !
HE: Go on, don’t be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don’t you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I’ve already seen it!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck !
HE: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
Litigation
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-
driving case and the defendant, who had both a
record and a reputation for driving under the influence,
demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting
a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and
went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available
for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main
lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience
and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The
trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear
that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the
jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of
patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see
what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, ""Well, have
they got a verdict yet?""
The bailiff shook his head and said, ""Verdict? They're
still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!
Quid Pro Quote
After his motion to suppress evidence was denied
by the court the attorney spoke up, ""your Honor,""
he said, ""what would you do if I called you a stupid,
degenerate old fool.""
The Judge, now also angered, revered, ""I would
hold you in contempt of court and seek to have
you suspended from practicing before this court
again!""
""What if I only thought it?"" Asked the attorney.
""In that case, there is nothing I could do, you have
the right to think whatever you may.""
""Oh, I see. Then, if it pleases the court, let the record
reflect, I 'think' you're a stupid, degenerate old fool.
Car Names
Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French
border.
The French Customs agent stops them and tells them:
""It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro.""
""Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile.
Look at the papers: This car is designed to carry 5
persons.""
""You can't pull that one on me,"" replies the French
customs agent.
""Quattro means 4!""
""Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!""
... That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
... I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind
the counter asked, ""Can you afford fries with that?""
... That CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
... If the bank returns your check marked ""Insufficient
Funds,"" you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
... Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher
than GM.
... McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Breathalyzer
Following a really good party one night, the hosts
decided to leave the assorted bottles and dregs
until the next morning. As they staggered downstairs
next day, they found their young children finishing off
all that they could find, and looking the worse for
wear.
Not knowing what to do, the father suggested taking
them out in the car for some fresh air. A traffic
policeman, seeing the car going round and round the
block for no reason, pulled him over and breathalyzed
him ... and the meter showed positive.
While matters were being sorted out, one of the children
asked the policeman if he could try the breathalyzer ...
and the meter again showed positive!
""Darn,"" said the policeman, ""another faulty meter!"" He
then apologized to the driver for stopping him, and
drove off without another word...
""Needing a man is like needing a parachute.
If he isn't there the first time you need him,
chances are you won't be needing him again.""
-- Anonymous
""Jane Austen's books, two, are absent from this library. Just that one omission alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it."" – Mark Twain
""It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes
you happy.
-- Lucille Ball
""For most men life is a search for the proper manila
envelope in which to get themselves filed.""
-- Clifton Fadiman
""In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the
decision maker.""
-- Woody Allen
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blond
was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password,
she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long!
Sage Advice From A Retired Husband
It is important for men to remember that, as women
grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain
the same quality of housekeeping as when they were
younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are over sensitive, and there's nothing worse
than an over sensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the
situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a
few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to
get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both
for extra income and for the health benefits that we
needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed
she was beginning to show her age. I usually get
home from the golf club about the same time she gets
home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost
always says she has to rest for half an hour or so
before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead,
I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so
eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-
cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the
dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours
after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several
times each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For
example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find
time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But,
Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile
and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
over two, or even three days. That way, she won't
have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any
(if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one
of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she
needs more rest periods. She had to take a break
when she was only half-finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.
I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly
squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as
well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I
support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this
much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women
get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just
use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging
wife because of this article, I will consider that writing
it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.
Editor's Note:
Ron died suddenly on August 31 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway
extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed
up his rear end, with barely five inches of grip showing,
and a sledgehammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne
was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman
jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without
looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Why did the Chicken Crossed the Road?
TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking it's physical distribution strategy and implementation process. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use it's skills, methodologies
, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of it's overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve theimplicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision and core values. This was conducive towards the c
reation of a total business integration solution
paradigm.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we werequite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES (Monty Python style): And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the chicken, ""Thou shalt cross the road."" And the chicken crossed the road, ...and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road for you to believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken DID NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, ""What the heck was the chicken doing wandering around all over the place anyway?""
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2010 (with integrated Internet Seed Explorer), which will not only cross roads, butwill lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, ""Why did the chicken cross the road?"" Rather, it is, ""Who is crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?""
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking the question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road...it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain
Q: What do you call two men hanging from a window?
A: Curt an' Rod.
Is Windows OS a virus?
With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are beginning to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.
1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.
Maybe Windows really is a virus.
Nope! There is a difference!
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.So there! Windows is not a virus.
I Want To Live Forever!
A man goes to the doctor and says, ""Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?""
""I think that is a wise decision,"" the doctor replies. ""Let's see, do you smoke?""
""Oh.. Half a pack a day.""
""Starting NOW, no more smoking."" The man agrees. The doctor then asks, ""Do you drink?""
""Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.""
""Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."" The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, ""How do you eat?""
""Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.""
""Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.""
The man is now really worried. ""Doc, is all this really necessary?""
""Do you want to live long?""
""Yes.""
""Absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."" The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, ""Do you have sex?""
""Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!"" he adds hurriedly.
""As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None.""
The man is appalled. ""Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?""
""I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!
Ho no doc joke!
A man goes the doctors and says ""doctor doctor I feel like a pack of cards""
DOC replies ""sit over there and I will deal with you later
Why is there no medication for headaches in the jungle?
Because the ParrotSetamol.
A love for material goods
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, “I love my BMW, I love my BMW.†Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. “My BMW! My BMW!†he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, “Sir, sir, you’re bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!â€
The lawyer, horrified, screamed “My Rolex! My Rolex!
some plants
""Some plants,"" said the teacher, ""have the prefix 'dog'. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'.""
""I can,"" shouted a blonde. ""Collieflower!
A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.
""I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.""
""OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.""
""Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.""
""Alright, we could get a blood sample.""
""Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die.""
""Fine then, just walk this white line.""
""Can't do that either, officer.""
""Why not?""
""Because I'm drunk.""
Laughter is the best medicine.
Unless you're asthmatic and then it's Ventolin.
Al Qaida - internal memo
AL QAIDA
OFFICE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN
CAVE 7422, TORA BORA, AFGANISTAN
INTERNAL MEORANDUM
To all Jihadists,
Subject: The Cave (do not distribute outside the Organization)
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come
together as a group and I love that! However, while we continue to fight the
infidels in this New Year, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly
I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should
be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive
dust inhalation (a health and safety issue), so we need to sweep the cave daily.
I've done my bit on the cleaning - Rota .. have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet
near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).
Second, it's not often I make a video address. But when I do, I'm trying to
scare the spit out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that
while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep
doing the 'wassup' thing. Thanks.
Third - food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently. I clearly wrote ""Ossy"" on the
front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone.
Consideration - that's all I'm saying.
Fourth, I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves
from the infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant ""Ozzy, ozzy, ozzy,
oi, oi, oi"" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
Fifth - graffiti. Whoever wrote ""OSAMA FxxKS DONKEYS"" on the group toilet wall -
it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge
of the mountain.
Sixth, the use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam - the old excuse that the
'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the
mountain' will not be accepted in future (with donkeys, there is a grey area).
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to
infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol
will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
Love you lots,
Group Hug.
Os.
PS - I'm sick of having ""Osama Bed Linen"" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it
out, it's not funny anymore.
Prayer
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, ""Anyone here know how to pray?""
One man stepped forward, ""Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.""
""Good,"" said the captain, ""you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short.
A DROP IN THE BUCKET
One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.
""Where's my bucket and my water?"" She asked.
""I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!""
""Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for years,
And he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!""
""Well, Grandma,"" replied Johnny, ""if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!
Blond - who wants to be a millionaire
A blond named Barbara appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. ...
Regis: ""Barbara, you've done very well so far, $500,000 and one lifeline left--phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right.... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000...are you ready?""
Barbara: ""Sure I'll have a go.""
Regis: ""Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it...A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars.""
Barbara: ""Oh, gees, that's simple.... it’s a cuckoo..""
Regis: ""You're sure? You can stick on $500,000 or play on for the million.""
Barbara: ""I want to play; I'll go with C-Cuckoo.""
Regis: ""Is that your final answer?""
Barbara: ""It is""
Regis: ""Are you confident?""
Barbara: ""Absolutely""
Regis: ""Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo. Well....you' re right! You have just won 1 MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.""
That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink.
As they are sipping champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, ""Tell me, how in God's name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"" ""Get real!""
Barbara replies, ""Everybody knows cuckoos live in clocks!
Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:
Blonde One: I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, you’d better hurry up and try harder! it’s starting to rain, and the top is down!
Beauty & the beach
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing -- it just waved!
Domestic Chores
Although a bright and able man, my husband is
almost completely helpless when faced with even
the simplest domestic chore.
One day, in exasperation, I pointed out to him that
our friend, Betty had taught her husband Frank, to
cook, sew and do laundry, and that if anything ever
happened to Betty, Frank would be able to care for
himself.
Then I said, ""What would you do if anything happened
to me?""
After considering that possibility for a moment, my
husband said happily, ""I'd move in with Frank.
Woooooo! Woooooo!
There were two Indians and a Cowboy walking along
together in the desert when, all of a sudden, one of
the Indians took off and ran up a steep hill to the
mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the
entrance, ""Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"" And,
then listened very closely until he heard an answer...
""Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!""
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The
Cowboy was puzzled and asked the other Indian what
that was all about...was that Indian goofy or something?
""No,"" said the other Indian. ""It is mating time for us
Indians and when you see a cave and holler, 'Woooooo!
Woooooo! Woooooo!' and get an answer back, that
means she is in there waiting for you.""
Well, just about that time the other Indian spotted
another cave. He took off, ran to the cave, stopped
and hollered, ""Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"" When
he heard a reply ""Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"" off
came his clothes and into the cave he goes.
The Cowboy started running around the desert looking
for a cave to find these women that the Indians had
talked about. Suddenly, he looked up and saw this
great big cave. He was amazed at the size and thought,
""Man! It's bigger than the caves those Indians found.
There must be something special in this cave!""
Well, he darted up the hill at great speed with hopes of
ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and
yelled, ""Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"" He was
thrilled when he heard the answering call of
""WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!""
He quickly took off his clothes. With a happy face he
raced into the cave.
The headlines in the next day's newspaper stated:
""NAKED COWBOY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN
A baby monkey asks his father, Father why r we so ugly?
The father says to him, don't stress my son u should see the one who is reading this!!
Ain't that the truth
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Overconfidence !!!
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, ""I bet I know what it is. Flowers."" ""That's right!"" the boy said,
""But, how did you know?"" ""Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, ""I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.""
""That's right, but how did you know?"" asked the girl. ""Oh, just a wild guess,"" said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. ""Is it wine?"" she asked.
""No,"" the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. ""Is it champagne?"" she asked.
""No,"" the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, ""I give up, what is it?""
With great glee, the boy replied, ""It's a puppy!
A DRUNK ON THE BUS
A drunk gets on a bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop.
He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus.
Still the drunk man is fumbling in his pocket for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus once again. Next stop, the same thing happens.
In fact, every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back.
A few stops later, the drunk starts to exit the bus from the front.
""Hey,"" shouts the bus driver.... ""You didn't pay your fare yet!""
The drunk, still reeling, shouts back,
""Why should I?!. . . I walked all the way!
Why be difficult, .......................
when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
doc joke.
Doctor doctor I feel like a wigwam and a marque,
doc said you totences
doc
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. ""But doctor, you don't understand,"" they said, ""Dad hasn't walked in over a year!
For My Family
Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.'
The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'
Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'
Dear Dad...
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad. ‘With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home !
Traffic Camera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit,
even though he knew that he was not speeding...
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower
as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed
as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..
You can't fix stupid.
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.
“Dad, listen,†he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.â€
“Settled it!†cried his astonished father. “Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!â€
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods. Their names were Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sunrise, Rufus and Clarence Would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
""RUFUS!!"" Clarence would shout. ""You better thank your lucky
Stars that I can't swim . . . Or I'd swim this river and whup your Butt!!""
""CLARENCE!!"" Rufus would holler back, ""You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim . . . Or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny Butt!!!""
This went on every morning. Every day. Twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers came and built a bridge. Still, every morning every day for another five years the shouting and feuding across the river continued.
Finally, Rufus wife has had enough. ""Rufus!"" she yells, one day. ""I can't take no more!! Every day for 25 years, you've been
Threatenin to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...have at it!""
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
""Woman!"" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. ""I'm gonna Whup Clarence's butt!!!"" He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway, looked up....TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!! ""Rufus!"" cried the Misses. ""I thought you was gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!""
""I was, woman, I was!!"" he whispered.
""Rufus!"" cried the misses. ""What in tarnation is the matter?"" ""Well,"" muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, ""I went to the bridge...I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge...looked up...""
""And?"" she asked, breathless with suspense. ""And,"" continued Rufus, ""I saw a sign that said, ""Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches"" He ain't never looked THAT big from the other side of the river!!!!!
Asylum for the Verbally Insane
Rather long but quite good.
Asylum for the Verbally Insane
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it -English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find tha t
q uicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
Oxymorons
01. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
02. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
03. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
04. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
05. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
06. Why does ""slow down"" and ""slow up"" mean the same thing?
07. Why does ""fat chance"" and ""slim chance"" mean the same thing?
08. Why do ""tug"" boats push their barges?
09. Why do we sing ""Take me out to the ball game"" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called ""stands"" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called ""after dark"" when it really is ""after light""?
12. Doesn't ""expecting the unexpected"" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a ""wise man"" and a ""wise guy"" opposites?
14. Why do ""overlook"" and ""oversee"" mean opposite things?
15. Why is ""phonics"" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
To be said in a Tommy Cooper manner
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU!
I said ""Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said ""No, I've got china in my hand.""
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today,
and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'.
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ""Analogue.""
I said ""No, just a watch.""
I went into a shop and I said, ""Can someone sell me a kettle.""
The bloke said ""Kenwood"" I said, ""Where is he?""
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, ""Can I buy a goldfish?""
The guy said, ""Do you want an aquarium?""
I said, ""I don't care what star sign it is.""
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him ""I'm frightened of lapels.""
He said, ""You've got cholera.""
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue,
and I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today,
and this bloke just went on and on.
My mate asked me ""What do you think of voluntary work??
I said ""I wouldn't do it if you paid me.""
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, ""You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."" He said, ""No, this
is for the custard.""
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, ""I want you to trace someone for me.""
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said ""Tenpin?"" I said, ""No, it's a permanent job.""
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, ""Are you having me on?""
I said, ""Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.""
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them ""Can I have a skip
outside my house?"" He said, ""I'm not stopping you!""
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says ""Audi!""
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, ""Nearest the bull
goes first"" He went ""Baah"" and I went ""Moo"" He said ""You're closest""
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me
what had happened. I said ""I careered off the road""
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing
a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said ""Eurostar"" I said ""Well
I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, ""How flexible are you?"" I said, ""I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays.""
So I went to the local video shop and I said, ""Can I take out The Elephant Man?""
He said, ""He's not your type."" I said ""How about Batman Forever?""
He said, ""No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.
Edit: due to layout difficulties. GM
100 Things Your Kids May Never Know About
Audio-Visual Entertainment
1. Inserting a VHS tape into a VCR to watch a movie or to record something.
2. Super-8 movies and cine film of all kinds.
3. Playing music on an audio tape using a personal stereo. See what happens when you give a Walkman to todays teenager.
4. The number of TV channels being a single digit. I remember it being a massive event when Britain got its fourth channel.
5. Standard-definition, CRT TVs filling up half your living room.
6. Rotary dial televisions with no remote control. You know, the ones where the kids were the remote control.
7. High-speed dubbing.
8. 8-track cartridges.
9. Vinyl records. Even today’s DJs are going laptop or CD.
10. Betamax tapes.
11. MiniDisc.
12. Laserdisc: the LP of DVD.
13. Scanning the radio dial and hearing static between stations. (Digital tuners + HD radio bork this concept.)
14. Shortwave radio.
15. 3-D movies meaning red-and-green glasses.
16. Watching TV when the networks say you should. Tivo and Sky+ are slowing killing this one.
17. That there was a time before ‘reality TV.’
Computers and Videogaming
18. Wires. OK, so they’re not gone yet, but it won’t be long
19. The scream of a modem connecting.
20. The buzz of a dot-matrix printer
21. 5- and 3-inch floppies, Zip Discs and countless other forms of data storage.
22. Using jumpers to set IRQs.
23. DOS.
24. Terminals accessing the mainframe.
25. Screens being just green (or orange) on black.
26. Tweaking the volume setting on your tape deck to get a computer game to load, and waiting ages for it to actually do it.
27. Daisy chaining your SCSI devices and making sure they’ve all got a different ID.
28. Counting in kilobytes.
29. Wondering if you can afford to buy a RAM upgrade.
30. Blowing the dust out of a NES cartridge in the hopes that it’ll load this time.
31. Turning a PlayStation on its end to try and get a game to load.
32. Joysticks.
33. Having to delete something to make room on your hard drive.
34. Booting your computer off of a floppy disk.
35. Recording a song in a studio.
36. NCSA Mosaic.
37. Finding out information from an encyclopedia.
38. Using a road atlas to get from A to B.
39. Doing bank business only when the bank is open.
40. Shopping only during the day, Monday to Saturday.
41. Phone books and Yellow Pages.
42. Newspapers and magazines made from dead trees.
43. Actually being able to get a domain name consisting of real words.
44. Filling out an order form by hand, putting it in an envelope and posting it.
45. Not knowing exactly what all of your friends are doing and thinking at every moment.
46. Carrying on a correspondence with real letters, especially the handwritten kind.
47. Archie searches.
48. Gopher searches.
49. Concatenating and UUDecoding binaries from Usenet.
50. Privacy.
51. The fact that words generally don’t have num8er5 in them.
52. Correct spelling of phrases, rather than TLAs.
53. Waiting several minutes (or even hours!) to download something.
54. The time before botnets/security vulnerabilities due to always-on and always-connected PCs
55. The time before PC networks.
56. When Spam was just a meat product — or even a Monty Python sketch.
57. Typewriters.
58. Putting film in your camera: 35mm may have some life still, but what about APS or disk?
59. Sending that film away to be processed.
60. Having physical prints of photographs come back to you.
61. CB radios.
62. Getting lost. With GPS coming to more and more phones, your location is only a click away.
63. Rotary-dial telephones.
64. Answering machines.
65. Using a stick to point at information on a wallchart
66. Pay phones.
67. Phones with actual bells in them.
68. Fax machines.
69. Vacuum cleaners with bags in them.
Everything Else
70. Taking turns picking a radio station, or selecting a tape, for everyone to listen to during a long drive.
71. Remembering someone’s phone number.
72. Not knowing who was calling you on the phone.
73. Actually going down to a Blockbuster store to rent a movie.
74. Toys actually being suitable for the under-3s.
75. LEGO just being square blocks of various sizes, with the odd wheel, window or door.
76. Waiting for the television-network premiere to watch a movie after its run at the theater.
77. Relying on the 5-minute sport segment on the nightly news for baseball highlights.
78. Neat handwriting.
79. The days before the nanny state.
80. Starbuck being a man.
81. Han shoots first.
82. “Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.†But they’ve already seen episode III, so it’s no big surprise.
83. Kentucky Fried Chicken, as opposed to KFC.
84. Trig tables and log tables.
85. “Don’t know what a slide rule is for …â€
86. Finding books in a card catalogue at the library.
87. Swimming pools with diving boards.
88. Playing outdoors with your mates.
89. Sliding the paper outer wrapper off a Kit-Kat, placing it on the palm of your hand and clapping to make it bang loudly. Then sliding your finger down the silver foil of break off the first finger
90. A Marathon bar (what a Snickers used to be called in Britain).
91. Having to manually unlock a car door.
92. Writing a check.
93. Looking out the window during a long drive.
94. Roller skates, as opposed to blades.
95. Cash.
96. Libraries as a place to get books rather than a place to use the internet.
97. Spending your entire allowance at the arcade in the mall.
98. Omni Magazine
99. A physical dictionary — either for spelling or definitions.
100. When a ‘geek’ and a ‘nerd’ were one and the same.
Good laugh for Women (and guys, too!)
One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ""What setting do I use on the washing machine?
""It depends,"" I replied. ""What does it say on your shirt?""
He yelled back, "" University of Oklahoma ""
And they say woman are dumb...
**********
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ""I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.""
The woman replies, ""I'll miss you...""
**********
""It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"" Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ""honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?""
""Probably that I married you for your money,"" she replied.
**********
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
Two Nuns
Two nuns, one known as Sister Mathematical (SM)
and the other known as Sister Logical (SL), went
in to town to sell cookies. As it was getting dark,
they were returning home, but still far from the
convent.
SL: Have you noticed that man following us for the
past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: He wants to rape us. It is the logical thing.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15.2
minutes. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we
have to start walking faster.
SM: Okay.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the
only logical thing. He started walking faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach
us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is to split up.
You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot
follow both of us.
So they split up and the man decided to go after
Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at the
convent and was worried because Sister Logical
had not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrived.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank Heaven you are here!
What happened with the man? Are you all right?
SL: I am fine. The logical thing happened. The man
could not follow both of us, and you are faster, so
he followed me.
SM: So, what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing. I started to run as fast
as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing. The man also started to
run as fast as he could.
SM: And then?
SL: The only logical thing. He was faster, so he
caught up with me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing I could do. I lifted my
dress up.
SM: You did? Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down
his pants.
SM: Oh, no!! What happened then?
SL: The only logical thing. A slow nun with her
dress up can run a lot faster than a fast man
with his pants down.
(And you thought it would be dirty! Say two
""Hail Marys...)
A School Master from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new School in Mumbai. He reported for duty two days after the actual date of joining. Consequently he was asked for an explanation in writing...
_________
Deer sur,
If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker.
This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly,but for the following region, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment.
I tolded I has head ache problem due to migration. Still the clerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun.
I putted a complain on station masterji.
He said I to go to the lady clerk.
At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun.
Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun.
Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life.
I hope u will look into explain my hole story after,and late me joint first.
I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your responsement.
May God blast you!""
Yours awfully,
A.YADAV
To All The Kids Who Survived The 50s, 60s And 70s!
First, we survived being born to mothers who
smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing,
tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for
diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were
covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles,
doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes,
we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks
we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat
belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day
was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT
from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from
one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and
drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't
overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE
PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all
day, as long as we were back when the street
lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were
O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of
scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out
we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes
a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-boxes,
no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no
video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones,
no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms...WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and
found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth
and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and
the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made
up games with sticks and tennis balls and although
we were told it would happen, we did not put out
very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and
knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked
in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made
the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal
with disappointment. Imagine that!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the
law was unheard of. They actually sided with the
law!
This generation has produced some of the best
risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The
past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation
and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL.
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You're on the right side of the grass!
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility. ..
Q: ""Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?""
A: ""No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.""
Q: ""Officer -- who provided this description?""
A: ""The officer who responded to the scene.""
Q: ""A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?""
A: ""Yes, sir. With my life.""
Q: ""With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?""
A: ""Yes sir, we do!""
Q: ""And do you have a locker in the room?""
A: ""Yes sir, I do.""
Q: ""And do you have a lock on your locker?""
A: ""Yes sir.""
Q: ""Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?""
A: ""You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.""
*********
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's ""Best Comeback"" Line -- I think he'll win.
Funny Answers From Real Students
Here are some responses to job related and general knowledge questions from real college students that are so funny that they seem simply hilarious:
1. A person should bathe once in summer but not so often in winter.
2. Chemical Formula of Water has two gins - Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin while Hydrogin is gin and water.
3. Definition of Census taker - A man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
4. Definition of Syntax - Tax paid by the sinners.
5. Definition of Virgin Forest - It is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
6. Future tense of 'I give' - 'I take'.
7. Houses in France are generally made up of Plaster of Paris.
8. Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
9. One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
10. Parts of Speech - Lungs and air.
11. Spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
12. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
13. The word 'trousers' is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
14. What is H2O and CO2? - H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
15. What are residents of Moscow are called? - Mosquitoes.
Joke don't make me laugh
Patient comes running: Doctor, I think I have some kind of a health problem.
Doctor: What kinda problem? Are you not feeling hungry?
Patient: I have a great appetite.
Doctor: Are you not able to sleep?
Patient: I am sleeping for at least 8 hours.
Doctor: Are you feeling any pain anywhere?
Patient: Nothing like that Doctor.
Doctor angrily: Then, what is your problem?
Patient innocently: Even after reading the entire jokes book, I am not able to laugh. I heard that not able to laugh is also a disease, isn't it?
Doctor: ?
i will rule the world by 2010, tesco every little helps
The 10 Commandments of Email
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject
line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the
minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before
thou sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react
to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL
CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or
unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail,
especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight
and reread it in the light of the dawn.
And, here's the ""Golden Rule"" of E-Mail:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest
thou not unto others.
Jigsaw Puzzle
John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy.
""I've got a problem,"" says Buffy.
""What's the matter?"" asks John.
""Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too
hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't
find any edges.""
""What's the picture of?"" asks John.
""It's of a big Rooster,"" replies Buffy.
""All right,"" says John, ""I'll come over and have a look.""
So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets
him saying, ""Thanks for coming over.""
Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the
jigsaw on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw
and then turns to Buffy and says, ""For Pete's sake -
put the Cornflakes back in the Box.
summer classes for men
Summer Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, September 26th 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
On-line Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
The Perfect Girl
A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married.
Replied the gentleman, ""Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl.""
""Oh, come on now,"" said the friend, ""Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry.""
""Yes, there was one girl once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me.""
""Well, why didn't you marry her,"" asked the friend.
""She was looking for the perfect man,"" he said.
Santa and the FAA
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from
the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was
shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner
arrived.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled
and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got out his
logbook and made sure all his paperwork was in
order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He
checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear,
and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed
Santa's weight and balance calculations for the
sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa
got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder
harness, and checked the compass. Then the
examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise,
a shotgun..
""What's that for?"" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, ""I'm not supposed
to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine
on takeoff.
Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,†and “Go away Santa.â€
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. †Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa. â€
11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.â€
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!†and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint “hoof-prints†all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.†Threaten to sue for personal injury.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.â€
Question and Answer Christmas Jokes
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What’s the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: “I don’t like sprouts†!
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it’s to far to walk.
Q: What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track – all straight!
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
Q: How does Al Gore’s household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: Why does Santa’s sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: We’ll have a boo Christmas without you.
Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, “No L!â€
Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it †soots †him!
Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer “Olive†?
A: Yeah, you know, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him namesâ€
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.
Q: What’s a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Post office
A woman goes into the post office.
Woman: I'd like 30 stamps please.
Post master: Of course. What denomination would you like.
Woman: Oh goodness, has it come to that? Okay, I'll have 15 Catholic and 15 Church of England.
The Breeder's Guide
Collie + Lhasa Apso
= Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
= Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
= Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
= Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
= Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
= Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
= Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
= Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
= Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
= Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway
Deerhound + Terrier
= Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + Shitzu
= Bull Shitzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed
VERY OLD Christmas Cake Recipe!
CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle Vodka
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the vodka to check quality.
Take a large bowl,check the vodka again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one
level cup and drink. Repeat
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is
shtill OK.
Try another cup .... just in case
Turn off the mixerer.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.
Pick fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it
loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz
a shtit.
Check the vodka.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
vodka and kick the cat. CHERRY MISTMAS!
Online chat
A guy was chatting with a female (never met her directly) -.
(Background, both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's )
Hero: Hey...GM ... How's u doing today?
Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat
Hero: wow...am honored, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat
Female: Yep...me too feel the same....Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.
Hero: OK(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)
Manager: Hey, I need some help from you
Hero: [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me
Manager: Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?
Hero: I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.
Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]
(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)
Female: Hey, am back
Hero: cool, you know what my manager does, She's kinda..... keeps asking stupid Things, tries to give me stupid work
Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!
Hero: Yep, u rite!!
Female: Hey, can u do me a favor
Hero: *smiles* sure, why not.
Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number; given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out
Hero: hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now. ok?
Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM!! AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!! Good Morning Online chat
Dumb Tommy
Tommy's house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner. Grandpa calls 6 year old Tommy and starts asking about school, girlfriends and other stuff he can think of. After a while, grandpa notices that Tommy is loosing interest in the conversation so he pulls out two notes from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A ten and a twenty pound note. He shows both notes to Tommy and tells him that he can keep any one he chooses.
Tommy reaches over and grabs the ten pound note.
Grandpa is pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his grandchild made, pulls out another ten pound note to see if it was a mistake. Again, he tells Tommy to take one of the notes and keep it.
Tommy grabs the other ten.
Grandpa again is surprised and upset.
He takes Tommy over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb Tommy is in choosing the ten over the twenty. Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Tommy chooses the ten over the twenty. Grandpa finally shows the stunt to daddy.
Daddy's quite surprise but doesn't pay too much attention at the moment.
A few hours later, daddy who is very concerned about Tommy's poor decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference between a ten pound note and a twenty.
""Of course,"" answers Tommy.
""So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty?"" asks dad.
Tommy, with a wide smile answers, ""Well dad, if I would have chosen the first twenty pound note, do you think grandpa would have played the game fifteen more times?
I bumped into a man crying uncontrollably in a shopping centre yesterday. All he could go on about was how he hates this time of year.Having to dress in a ridiculous red outfitand embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people. I said look Mr Gerrard you chose to play for Liverpool!
The Five Benefits Of Mother's Milk
A young medical student is given his final examination
on human reproduction. After reading Question 1; ""
Give five reason why a mother's milk is better than a
cows milk for a newborn baby?""; he recalled four and
quickly wrote them down in his exam book.
1. a mother's milk is more nutritious; it contains better
balance of fats, carbohydrates and proteins for the
newborn;
2. a mothers milk contains a mix of vitamins that more
closely aligns to a human baby's needs.
3. a mothers milk contains immunological agents that
will help the newborn fight bacteria, viruses and other
infections.
4. breast feeding is more nurturing and better
developmentally for the child.
Stumped, frustrated and running out of time, he
searched his mind for a fifth reason. After pondering
the question for an agonizing five minutes, he quickly
scribbled a fifth response.
5. the milk is delivered in such nice containers.
He got an ""A"" on the exam.
Gentlemen, Superman, Jungleman
Three ladies who are best friends meet after a long time after their marriage and are talking-
First friend- My husband is a gentleman. Do you know?
Other two- What do you mean by that?
First friend - It means even at home he wears formals -executive shirts and trousers.
Second friend- My husband is a superman. Did you know?
Other two - What is that?
Second friend- He wears only an underwear while at home.
Third friend - My husband is a jungleman, you know?
Other two- What is that?
Third friend - While at home he wears nothing!
Bible and the Computer Science
Some verses the Bible relating to computer science:
- And thou shalt make loops... (Exodus 24:6)
- Fifty loops thou shalt make. (Exodus 24:7)
- But let your communication be Yea, yea; Nay, nay:
for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil
(Matthew 5:37)
- And rest the trees of the forest shall be few, that
a child may write them. (Isaiah 10:19)
- What is the vine tree more than any tree, or than
a branch which is among the trees of the forest?
(Ezekiel 15:2)
- Then a lord on whose hand the king leaned
answered the man of G~d, and said, Behold, if the
LORD would make Windows in Heaven, might this
thing be? And he said, Behold, thou shalt see it with
thine eyes, but thou shalt not eat thereof.
(2 Kings 7:2)
- And I will make windows of agates [a Gates]...
(Isaiah 54:12)
- For death is come up into our windows, and it is
entered into our palaces, to cut off the children from
the without, and the young men from the streets.
(Jeremiah 9:21)
- And the whole earth was of one language, and of
one speech. (Genesis 11:1)
- And the LORD said, Behold, the people is one, and
they have all one language; and this they begin to
do: and now nothing will be restrained from them,
which they have imagined to do. (Genesis 11:6)
- Goto, let us go down, and confound their language.
(Genesis 11:7)
- In those days it shall come to pass, that ten men
shall take hold of all languages. (Zechariah 8:23)
- For then I will turn the people to a pure language.
(Zephaniah 3:9)
- And these signs shall follow them that believe; In
my name shall they cast out daemons; they shall
speak with new tongues.
(Mark 16:17)
- What shall be given unto thee? Or what shall be
done unto thee, thou false tongue? (Psalm 120:3)
- For he that speaketh in an unknown tongue
speaketh not unto men. (1 Corinthians 14:2)
- The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright:
but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.
(Proverbs 15:2)
- I speak with tongues more than ye all. (1 Corinthians
14:18)
- I would that ye all spake with tongues, but rather
that ye prophesied [programmed]: for greater is he
that prophesieth [programeth] that he that speaketh
with tongues, except that he interpret [translate].
(1 Corinthians 14:5)
- Thou child of the daemon, ... wilt thou not cease...?
(Acts 13:10)
- And in the process of time [crond] it came to pass.
(Genesis 4:3)
<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>
""The trouble with work is that it interferes with living.""
-- Peter Mckill
Christmas Holiday Bonus
On a snowy day in mid-December, a postman was
out on his regular route. When he arrived at one
particular house, a very attractive woman opened
the door and greeted him. ""My, you look cold out
there. How would you like to come in for a nice,
hot cup of coffee?""
""I'd love to..."" he said, and so he went inside.
After having coffee and talking for awhile, the
woman stood up and began walking toward the
bedroom. As she walked, she looked back and
motioned for him to follow. Being the gentleman
he was, he was not about to insult his host by
turning down such an offer. He followed her into
the bedroom and.........
As he was about to leave and continue his rounds,
the woman stopped him and handed him a
one pound coin. With a puzzled look on his face, he
stared down at the bill and asked, ""What's this for?""
""Well"", she said, ""This morning my husband and I
were discussing Christmas and what kinds of gifts
we should give to our friends and neighbours.
When I asked him what I should give the postman,
he laughed and said, 'Screw him! Give him a quid!'
Rudolph's Wish
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally
had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They
had done a good job.
Rudolph had a chance to do something he had
wanted to do for a long time. He made an
appointment with a plastic surgeon because he
was so sensitive about his looks.
However, it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he
wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and
the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he
was sensitive about his long ears which were much
more prominent than the ears of the average
reindeer, or bear, for that matter.
So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor
do the reconstructive surgical procedure, and since
that time, January 1st has been celebrated as ...
New Ears Day.
1. Copy the below content and Paste it to notepad.
2 Use replace all (Ctrl + H)
3.And click on 'replace all' 6 with _ (Under score), (Try font size as 6)
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will
do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
INTAXICATION
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
MYTH:
A female moth.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SARCASM:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit
and the recipient who just doesn't get it.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character
lines.
Driving Pointiff
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded
into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver
notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness, 'says the driver,'
Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth, ' says the Pope, ' they
never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a
cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do
that. I'd lose my job! What if something should
happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never
gone to work that morning..
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope
climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets
his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff
floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember,
the Pope is German..)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness! ' pleads the worried
driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until
they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear Lord, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!'
moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the
cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes
back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's
stopped a limo going 155 kph.
'So bust him, ' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,'
said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of
persistence.
The Chief then asked,' Who do you have there, the
mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger. '
'Well, ' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: ' I think it's God! '
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious,
'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
The Master Plan
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
""It is a crock of spit, and it stinks.""
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and
said, ""It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with
the smell.""
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers,
saying, ""It is a container of excrement, and it is
very strong, such that none may abide by it.""
And the Managers went unto their Directors,
saying, ""It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may
abide its strength.""
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying
to one another, ""It contains that which aids plant
growth, and it is very strong.""
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents,
saying unto them, ""It promotes growth, and it is
very powerful.""
And the Vice Presidents went to the President,
saying unto him, ""This new plan will actively promote
the growth and vigour of the company with very
powerful effects.""
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw
that it was good. And the Plan became Policy.
And this is how spit happens.
Double Genie
One day, a man rubbed a lamp.
A genie popped out of the lamp and said, ""You
have three wishes. I will grant whatever you
wish for, but remember, every politician in the
world gets twice as much as you wish for, so be
careful what you wish for.""
The man said, ""That's easy! I want a million
dollars.""
A big pile of cash appeared in front of him. ""Now,
each politician has two million.""
The man said, ""Never mind! I am happy as long
as I have my million. Now, I want a Mercedes.""
A red Mercedes appeared in front of him and
the genie said, ""Now, each politician has two
of these.""
The man was happier than ever. He thought
about his last wish, and said, ""You know, I
have always wanted to donate a kidney...
A Candle in Rome
There once was a husband and wife couple who, trying as
hard as they could, were unable to produce little children.
After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem,
they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family
priest.
""My children,"" the priest began, ""The Lord will listen to
your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with
children shortly. In fact, I am planning a stay in Rome, and
while I am visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you.""
""Thank you, Father, thank you!"" said the couple.
Before leaving, the priest turned and said, ""I am sure
everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in
Rome will be for quite some time - 15 years. But when
I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit.""
And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest
returned to the States. While resting on his porch
one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise
of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. Upon
arriving at the residence of the two troubled people who
sought his council years previously, he rang the doorbell.
Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air!
Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been
answered, he entered the house. More than a dozen
children filled the house from top to bottom!
In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.
""My dear,"" the priest said, ""your prayers have been
answered! And where is your husband? I wish to
congratulate him too on your miracle!""
""He just left for Rome,"" she said in a very desperate tone.
""Rome? Why did he go to Rome?"" asked the priest.
She hesitated, sobbed, and finally blurted out, ""To blow out
that candle!
Snow Joke
One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Ontario were listening
to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, ""We are
going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
through."" So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said
""We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.""
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
""We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."" Then the
electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
""Honey, I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?""
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, ""Why don't you just
leave it in the garage
good one nanna,made me laugh xxx
Be Prepared!!!!
A little boy went to his father and asked,
'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answered,
'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via email with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered
that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You got Male
Love Dress
A mother stopped by un-announced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch.....totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law answered.
'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Mike loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, and dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?
Camping Blonde
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip.
Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was
sick so she volunteered to take over for him
one weekend. She got everyone together and
assigned different duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies,
Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was
responsible for their maps and making up a time
schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and
to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally
would test all their equipment before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone
was excited. They arrived right on schedule and
were getting ready for their first event - hiking up
the mountain. But first, they wanted to get
something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would
prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally,
""I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the
matches you brought.""
Sally replied, ""I don't understand! Those matches
should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before
we left.
Settling Disputes
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman
who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman
owned a hen and each morning would look in his
garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for
breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that
the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.
He was about to go next door when he saw the
Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to
the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged
to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman
disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman
said, ""In my family we normally solve disputes by the
following actions: I kick you in the groin and time how
long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in
the groin and time how long it takes for me to get up,
whomever gets up quicker wins the egg.""
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman
found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he
took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman
and kicked as hard as he could in the groin. The
Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling
in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, ""Now
it's my turn to kick you.""
The Scotsman said, ""Keep the damn egg.
The Big Thunderstorm
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm,
a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She
was about to turn off the light when he asked with
a tremor in his voice, ""Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?""
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
""I can't, dear,"" she said, ""I have to sleep with Daddy.""
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken
little voice saying,
""The big sissy.
Do You Understand?
At one point during a game, the coach said to
one of his young players, ""Do you understand
what cooperation is? What a team is?""
The little boy nodded yes.
""Do you understand that what matters is whether
we win together as a team?""
The little boy nodded yes.
""So,"" the coach continued, ""when a strike is called,
or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or
attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?""
Again, the boy nodded yes.
""Good,"" said the coach. ""Now go over there and
explain it to your mother.
Chap was driving down the street in a sweat because he'd had an important meeting but couldn't find a parking place. Looking up, he said ""Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up beer and women.""
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Chap looked up and said, ""Never mind. I found one.
TV in Prison
A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story
about prison life and was interviewing one of the
prisoners. ""Do you watch much television here?""
""Only the daytime shows,"" the inmate said. ""At
night we're locked in our cells and don't see any
television.""
""That's too bad,"" the reporter said, ""But I do think
it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the
daytime.""
""What do you mean, nice?"" the inmate said. ""
That's part of the punishment!
Punishment
One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine, some rope, leather gear, etc.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "" Well what should we do about this?""
Dad looked at her and said, ""Well I don't think you should spank him.
Doctor doctor I feel like a strawberry!
( ive got some cream for you to put on )
moods
The Moods of a Woman:
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose.
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
The Moods of a Man:
Hungry. Horny. Sleepy.
F Word
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover,'into the closet,' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone, ' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked. 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little b**tards!'
Hi Woody-som.
Glad to read more of your jokes .Glyins
average age?
Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
.
.
.
.
.
A. Stone Age!
Burglars just broke in
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!†[Turn from your sin]
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,â€Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you.â€
“Scripture?†replied the burglar, “She said she had an axe and two 38s!â€
The Police Stop
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove
box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found
herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He
walked up to her and said, ""Hello, and welcome.""
She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion.
""Wait a minute,"" she said. ""I was supposed to
end up in the Summerlands.""
He smiled. ""Ah, you must be one of our Pagan
sisters. Follow me, please.""
Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small
path which went through the gates and down a
bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then
he stepped back and gestured her forward.
Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields
and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw
people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly
as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder,
the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and
saw a small group of people a short way away from
the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group
were watching the revelers, but not joining them.
Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously.
The Pagan looked at St. Peter. ""Who are those people?""
St. Peter replied, ""Them? They're fundamentalists.
They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they
stand there and carry on like that all day.""
""Why? Don't they have better things to do?""
Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. ""They don't
really have a choice. They're actually in Hell. G~d
doesn't like being told what He thinks.
drink
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), ""Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.""
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, ""I haven't got it.""
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), ""Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.""
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, ""I haven't got it.""
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), ""Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, ""What, no drink for me this time?""
The drunk replies, ""You !!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink.
Insurance Salesman
Peter walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
""We don't need anyone"" they replied.
""You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!""
""Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job.""
He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks, one for £25,000.00 and another for £50,000.00.
""How in the world did you do that ?"" they asked.
""I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!""
""Did you get a urine sample?"" they asked him.
""What's that?"" he asked.
""Well, if you sell a policy over £20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.""
Peter was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to close when he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, ""Here's Mr. George's and this one is Mr. Robert's.""
""That's good"" they said, ""but what's in those two buckets?""
""Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!
Would you mind telling me, Doctor,"" Bob asked, ""how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?""
""Nothing is easier,"" he replied. ""You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.""
""What sort of question?""
""Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
Bob thought for a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, ""You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.""
Strange Flags
A sailor boasted to be able to read any flag signal.
He was asked about a beflagged ship near at
anchor. ""Strange, they say they are on the rocks.
It's quarantine. We're surrendering.""
Then a boat from the ship in distress was lowered
and brought some sailors to the pier. They were
asked by frightened spectators who had heard
the ominous interpretation of the signals by the
great expert of flag communication.
""What do you mean by your terrible signals?""
""Those aren't signals. The crew had a wash day
and now they are drying up their underwear.""
Drunk Like A Sailor
A drunken sailor on liberty got into a big mud
puddle in the street and was looking for something
there. Soon two other sailors came over and
asked him: ""Hey, bud, what are you looking for?""
""You better give me a hand, men,"" said the drunk.
The new arrivals walked into the puddle too and
set about searching something unknown. At last
the first drunk got out of the puddle and exclaimed:
""I've found it!""
""What did you find?""
""The shore...
Cooking Blonde
Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon
for two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work
and says that he has invited 4 of his friends from the
office home for dinner on Friday night. The wife is a bit
apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the
four. The husband explains that there will be eight
coming because each will bring his wife.
Since this is there first party, the husband consoles her
by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese
food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.
This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and
decide what Chinese food to get.
Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains
that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.
Hubby says, ""Why don't you just double the recipe?""
She decides that is a good idea.
At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time
quite frantic.
""I just can't do it,"" wifey weeps. ""It's impossible.""
""Now, now, what's the matter?""
""Well, their recipe calls for two eggs...""
""So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?""
""Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour.""
""Well,"" hubby says rather testily, ""you will have to
use 8 cups of flour --what is the problem?""
""It isn't the ingredients,"" wife sobs, ""it says that the
cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have
checked the oven, and I can't turn the heat up to
700 degrees!
The Lie Detector Robot
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that was actually a lie detector.
About 5:30 that afternoon Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late. ""Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?"" they asked.
""Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"" Tommy answered. The robot
then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really went after school,"" John demanded.
""We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,"" Tommy quickly answered.
""What did you watch?"" asked Marsha.
""The Ten Commandments,"" answered Tommy. The robot went to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, ""I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.""
'I'm ashamed of you, Son,' said John. ""When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."" The robot
went to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent over, laughing, almost in tears. ""Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't
be too mad at Tommy. After all, he is your son!""
The robot immediately walked to Marsha, and slapped her three times!
the loyal wife
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, ""When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.""
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, ""Wait just a minute!"" She had a box her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, ""Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.""
The loyal wife replied, ""Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.""
""You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?""
""I sure did,"" said the wife. ""I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.. If he can cash it, he can spend it.
Ten reasons why you should date a nurse:
1) They can help you get over a hangover or sickness
2) Bedbaths!
3) The uniform
4) They are exposed to so many xrays, its like a form of birth control
5) You willl never need to buy condoms, paracetamol, toothbrushes or any hospital supplies
6) They know how to handle bodily fluids!
7) Nothing shocks a nurse, they have always seen smaller or indeed bigger!
8) They wont be disgusted by your toilet habits
9) They are experienced in manual evacuation when your full of cr~p
10)They know how to handle the human body!!!!!!!
Emotional Extremes
-----------------------
The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges
were attending their first class on emotional
extremes.
""Just to establish some parameters,"" said the
professor, to the student from the University
of Houston, ""What is the opposite of joy?""
""Sadness,"" said the UH student.
""And the opposite of depression?"" he asked of
the young lady from the University of Texas.
""Elation,"" said she.
""And you sir,"" he said to the young man from
Texas AM, ""how about the opposite of woe?
""The Aggie replied, ""Sir, I believe that would be
giddy-up.""
Tough Talking Cowboy
--------------------------
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon
for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a
habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he
found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into
the air, catches it above his head without even looking
and fires a shot into the ceiling. ""Who stole my horse?""
he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
""I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back
outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I
dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what
I dun back in Texas!""
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was
back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ""Say
partner, what happened in Texas?""
The cowboy turned back and said, ""I had to walk home!
Tanks for the memory
A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
Not familiar with the area, he became lost. Being a typical man, of course, he did not ask for directions and finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
Apologizing to the workers for being late he looked into the open grave, and saw the vault lid already in place. He told the workers he would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
Young and enthusiastic, he poured out his heart and soul as he preached. The workers joined in with, ""Praise the Lord,"" ""Amen,"" and ""Glory!"" The young minister got so into the service that he preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, he said a prayer and walked to his car. As he opened the door, he heard one of the workers say, ""I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
Sugar and cream
A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.
The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.
The man, who uses both cream and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders.
As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and cream
packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, ""How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?""
The man says, ""Two's fine.""
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and into his cup drops them.
""And cream?"" she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, ""You wouldn't dare!
Little Old Lady
A little old lady is walking down the street,
dragging two large plastic garbage bags with
her, one in each hand.
Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags,
and every once in a while a £20 note falls out
onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... ""Ma'am,
there are £20 notes falling out of your bag ...
""Oh, really? Darn!"" says the little old lady. ""I'd
better go back and see if I can collect them.
Thanks for the warning!""
""Well, now, not so fast,"" says the cop. ""How
did you get all that money? You didn't steal it,
did you?""
""Oh, no"", says the little old lady. ""You see, my
back yard is right next to the parking lot of the
football stadium. Each time there's a game; a
lot of fans come and pee through the bushes,
right into my flower beds!""
""So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a
big hedge clipper, and each time someone
sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say,
£20 or off it comes!""
""Well, that seems only fair."" laughs the cop.
""OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the
other bag?""
""Well"", says the little old lady, ""not everybody
pays...
New Bicycle
""I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while
I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl
whose name was Michelle, tugged on my trouser leg
and excitedly exclaimed, ""I got a new bicycle, do you
want to see it?""
I said, ""Sure Michelle."" So off to the backyard we went.
Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's
bicycle.
""Boy, Michelle!! That's a beautiful bicycle."" I complimented.
""Can you ride it?""
""Yeah, I can ride it,"" she said, then with a sad face she
pouted, ""but it's broke.""
I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything
wrong with it, so I asked her, ""What's wrong with it?""
""I don't know,"" she shrugged, ""but every time I ride it,
it falls down!
Super Bowl Ticket
A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe
arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line.
He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards
to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, ""Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?""
The man says, ""No.""
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, ""This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!""
The man replies, ""Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967.""
""Well, that's really sad,"" said Joe, ""but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or
close relative?""
""No,"" the man replies, ""They're all at the funeral.
Tough Final
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic
probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, ""Old MacDonald had a _________.""
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
""Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?""
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
""Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.""
""Oh yeah,"" said Bubba. ""I remember now."" He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, ""Tiny, how do you spell farm?""
""You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled - E-I-E-I-O.
Bible fun
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah was floating his stock while everyone else
was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter went down to the bank of the
Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruthless.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson brought the house down.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from
the Garden of Eden?
A. They were definitely put out.
Q. What is one of the first things Adam and Eve did
after they were kicked out?
A. They raised a little Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children to
explain why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. ""Your mother ate us out of house and home.""
Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most
proficient lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses broke all ten commandments at once.
Q. Where is the first tennis match in the Bible?
A. Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Q. Where is the first recorded Biblical case of
constipation?
A. In Kings where it says that David sat on the
throne for forty years.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua was the son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A. He only had two worms!
Q. How do we know they didn't play cards in the ark?
A. Because Noah sat on the deck.
Popping Ears
Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther
was taking her very first flight.
They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly
lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were
popping.
The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing
gum, assuring her that many people experienced the
same discomfort.
When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the
stewardess.
""The chewing gum worked fine,"" she said, ""but tell me,
how do I get it out of my ears?!
medical funnies
The results of the X-ray
----------------------------
Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Absolutely nothing!
I can’t find the cause of your pain
----------------------------------------
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, “I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.â€
“In that case,†said the patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober“
Is she feeling any better?
-------------------------------
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten pennies last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Lawyers Q&A
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters
exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying
a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning,
and you could only save one of them, would you go
to lunch or read the newspaper?
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full
of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his
demands weren't met.
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their
chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country,
and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice!
Monkey and the Dolphin
Inspirational Story :Monkey and the Dolphin.
One day long ago, some sailors set out to sea in their sailing ship. One of them brought his pet monkey along for the long journey.
When they were far out at sea, a terrible storm overturned their ship. Everyone fell into the sea, and the monkey was sure that he would drown. Suddenly a dolphin appeared and picked him up.
They soon reached the island and the monkey came down from the dolphin's back. The dolphin asked the monkey, ""Do you know this place?""
The monkey replied, ""Yes, I do. In fact, the king of the island is my best friend. Do you know that I am actually a prince?""
Knowing that no one lived on the island, the dolphin said, ""Well, well, so you are a prince! Now you can be a king!""
The monkey asked, ""How can I be a king?""
As the dolphin started swimming away, he answered, ""That is easy.. As you are the only creature on this island, you will naturally be the king!""
MORAL: Those who lie and Boast may end up in trouble.
Shopping Dividers
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just
a few items and the lady behind me put her things
on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
""dividers"" that they keep by the cash register and
placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked
up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so
she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said
to me, ""Do you know how much this is?""
I said, ""I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that
today...""
She said, ""OK,"" and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue what had just happened...
Uh-uh woody. Remember age range of readers.
Clanking Sound
An auto mechanic received a repair order that read:
""Check for clanking sound when going around corners.""
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right
turn, and a moment later he heard a 'clunk.'
He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.'
Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and
soon discovered the problem.
Promptly he returned the repair order to the service
manager with the notation,
""Removed bowling ball from trunk.
Men and the Toilet Seat
Q: How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
A: Who knows -- it's never been done.
Shoe Repairs
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one
day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe
repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed
it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and
tried to remember which of them might have forgotten
to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
""Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?""
Arnold asked.
""Not very likely,"" his wife said.
""It's worth a try,"" Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove
to the store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man
behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the
man said, ""Just a minute. I'll have to look for these.""
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the
shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, ""Here they are!""
""No kidding?"" Arnold called back. ""That's terrific! Who
would have thought they'd still be here after all this
time.""
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.
""They'll be ready Thursday,"" he said calmly.
Vice-President
Tom was excited about his promotion to Vice
President at the company he worked for and
kept bragging about it, for weeks on end, to
his wife.
Finally, she couldn't take it any longer, and told
him, ""Listen, it means nothing! They even have
a vice president of peas at the grocery store!""
""Really?"" he said. Then, playing along with his
wife, Tom called the grocery store.
A clerk answered and Tom said, ""Can I please
talk to the Vice President of peas?""
The clerk replied, ""Canned or frozen?
To be a Manager [ IT joke ]
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, ""Me want coffee"".
The waiter says, ""Sure chief, coming right up"". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, ""Me want coffee"". The waiter says ""Whoa,Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?""
The Indian smiles and proudly says, ""Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the spit, and disappear for the rest of the day.
Sand Trap
Friend of mine named Dan hates to lose at golf.
He was in a foursome when his ball landed in
a sand trap.
Hidden from view, the rest of us could hear him
as he hacked away at the ball.
When he finally drove it out, and rejoined us,
I asked him how many strokes that was.
""Three."" he replied.
""Oh come on!"" said another member of the
group. ""I heard six.""
""Three..."" replied Dan, ""were echoes.
Is It Cold Enough For You?
(Fahrenheit / Celsius)
+50 / +10
* New York tenants turn on the heat
* Wisconsinites & Ontarians plant gardens
* Air mass too stable for supercells
+40 / +4
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Wisconsinites & Albertans sunbathe
+35 / +2
* Italian cars don't start
+32 / 0
* Distilled water freezes
+30 / -1
* You can see your breath
* You plan a vacation in Florida
* Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
* Wisconsinites & Manitobans eat ice cream
+25 / -4
* Boston water & Lake Ontario freeze
* Californians weep pitiably
* Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
+20 / -7
* Cleveland & New York water freezes
* San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
* Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts
+15 / -10
* You plan a vacation in Acapulco
* Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you UNDER the blanket
* Wisconsinites & B.C. residents go swimming
+10 / -12
* Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* It's too cold to snow
* You need jumper cables to get the car going
0 / -18
* New York landlords turn on the heat
* Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yummy!
* Newfoundlanders grill hot dogs on the patio, yum!
-5 / -21
* You can HEAR your breath
* You plan a vacation in Hawaii
-10 / -23
* American cars don't start
* Too cold to skate
-15 / -26
* You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Miamians cease to exist
* Wisconsinites & Canadians lick flagpoles instead of ice-cream
-20 / -29
* Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* People in Green Bay & Yukon think about taking down screens
* Every other storm chaser thinks air is too stable for supercells
-25 / -32
* Too cold to kiss (huh? It's NEVER too cold to kiss - ^v^!)
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* Japanese cars don't start
* Milwaukee Brewers & Ottawa Rough Riders head for spring training
-30 / -34
* You plan a two-week hot bath
* Pilsener freezes
* Bock beer production begins
* Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof
-38 / -39
* Mercury freezes
* Too cold to think
* Wisconsinites & Canadians button top button
-40 / -40
* Californians disappear
* Wisconsinites & Quebecers put on sweaters
* Your CAR insists on sleeping in your bed with you
-50 / -46
* Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window
* Green Bay Packers practice indoors
-60 / -51
* Walruses abandon Aleutians
* Sign on Mount St. Helens: ""Closed for the Season""
* Wisconsinites & Ontarians put gloves away, take out mittens
* Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-70 / -57
* Glaciers in Central Park
* Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
* Green Bay snow-mobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie
-80 / -62
* Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
* Rhinelander Birkebeiner
* Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-90 / -68
* Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro
* Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
* Minnesotians migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be warmer
* Ontarians migrate to New York thinking it MUST be warmer south of
the border
-100 / -73
* Santa Claus abandons North Pole
* Wisconsinites & Canadians pull down earflaps
-173 / -114
* Ethyl alcohol freezes
* Only Door County cherries are usable in brandy Manhattans
* Quebec drivers drop below 150 KPH on 400 highways
-460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
* All atomic motion ceases
* Wisconsinites admit it's getting a mite nippy
WOODY SOM,wow HAD 26 Jokes catch up on made me laugh.lol
Fishing in Central Park
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in
New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod
in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.
""Tch Tch!"" said the passerby to himself. ""What a sad sight.
That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if
I can help.""
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked,
""What are you doing, my friend?""
""Fishin', sir.""
""Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink
with me?""
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind
stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of
beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old
man, and he asked, ""Tell me, old friend, how many did you
catch this morning?""
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a
careful smoke ring and replied, ""You are the sixth today,
sir!
A Woman's Dictionary
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled
over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he
just hasn't realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v.
To go to the cash machine and hit ""inquire.""
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce,
chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated
the meat and cleaned everything up but he, 'made
the dinner.'
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with
a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to
make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget
to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never
be able to duplicate again.
....Also....see 'Magician'.
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he
isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions;
he gets to hold your hand and say, ""Focus.... breath...
push...""
Amnesia (am*ne*sia) n.
An ability of a woman who has been through labor
to have sex again.
Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your
mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, 'to go somewhere and
neck'. After children, a noun meaning a place with a
swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and
children. Also see...'Tranquilizers'.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner,
diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to
get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come
off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n
The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash,
then end up doing it yourself ... anyway.
Lighthouses
I was in Las Vegas a short while ago, and had a very
amusing experience. While getting gas, two young
women in a convertible pulled in. They pulled up next
to us and asked us where the light houses were.
""Lighthouses?"" I asked.
""Yes lighthouses. We are new to Las Vegas and just
can't seem to find them,"" The driver replied.
Curious, and knowing that Las Vegas is no where
near the ocean, I asked, ""Why are you looking for
lighthouses?""
""Oh, there are so many good paying jobs for lighthouses
here in the paper. But most want you to appear in person,""
the passenger answered while pointing to several ads.
I stopped pumping my gas and walked over to see the ad.
You can imagine their disappointment when I read the
ads and explained that it was for ""light house keeping.
The Blondes' Revenge
* Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.
* What's black, blue, and brown and lying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
* What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it!
* What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.
* Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.
* What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.
* What's a brunette's mating call?
""Has the blonde left yet?""
* What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage
* Who makes bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price
My Father...
A grade school teacher was asking students what their
parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, ""My mom is a doctor!""
Sarah stood up and said, ""My father is a professor!""
Little Johnny stood up and said, ""My dad is a piano
player in a whorehouse!""
The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard,
so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that
evening to discuss the situation.
Little Johnny's father explained, ""Actually, I'm a law
attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to
a seven year old kid!
Golf & Grass
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
""These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,"" one complained.
""These fairways seem to be getting longer too,"" wheezed a second.
""And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too,"" said the third.
Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-
old, piped up and said, ""Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!
Growing Older
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were
beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one
of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove
and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find
it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and
left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, ""Honey, will you please
go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why
don't you write that down so you won't forget?""
""Nonsense,"" said the husband, ""I can remember a dish of
ice cream!""
""Well,"" said the wife, ""I'd also like some strawberries on it.
You better write that down, because I know you'll forget.""
""Don't be silly,"" replied the husband. ""A dish of ice cream
and some strawberries. I can remember that!""
""OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on
top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget,""
said the wife.
""Come now, my memory's not all that bad,"" said the husband.
""No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and
whipped cream.""
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and
making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish
of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged
from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of
bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her
husband and said, ""Hey, where's the toast?""
While this may appear to sound like someone you know, this is purely coincidental and is not based on any persons living or otherwise.
keep them coming woody-som.you make me laugh,keep me busy reading them ,good nights reading with long ones xxx
Head Hog
One day a man called the church office. He said,
""Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?""
The secretary thought she heard what he said,
but said, ""I'm sorry, who?""
The caller repeated, ""Can I speak to the head
hog at the trough?""
She said, ""Well, if you mean the preacher, then
you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but
I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog
at the trough'!""
To this the man replied, ""Well, I was planning on
giving £100,000 to the building fund....""
To this the secretary quickly responded ""Hang on,
I think the big fat pig just walked in!
Dead Mule
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and
discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the
police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the
police referred the preacher to the health department. They
said since there was no health threat that he should call the
sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule
without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to
call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally
hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant
and rave at the pastor and finally said, ""Why did you call
me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?""
The preacher paused for a brief moment and then replied;
""Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always
like to notify the next of kin first!
Fidel Castro
Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, ""No problem, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.""
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked.St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other,""My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!
A Skier's Dictionary
Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: ""What Zermatter?""
Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.
Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.
Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.
Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.
Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together
at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so close-fitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.
Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.
Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.
Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.
Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.
Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is ""Avalanche!"" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be
mumbling, ""Why?""
Thor: The Scandinavian g~d of acheth and paineth.
Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.
Tree: The other method.
Top Ten Country Western Songs
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
Brill reading woody-som x
You Think You Have Problems?
A little guy is sitting at a local bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver sits down next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
""Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time,"" says the truck driver. ""I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying!""
""This is the worst day of my life,"" says the little guy between sobs. ""I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.
At home I found my wife had run off with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison!
Women's humor:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ""What setting do I use on the washing machine?""
""It depends,"" I replied. ""What does it say on your shirt?"" He yelled back, ""University of North Carolina.""
And they say blondes are dumb...
How To Catch A Man
Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with
a small package and a large bird cage. She was
gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend,
Liz, never saw Sally looking so sad.
Liz, ""Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of
days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad.
Why??""
Sally, ""Cause I just can't get a man.""
Liz, ""Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the
woods.""
Sally, ""Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the
woods cause I needed something there that would
get me a man. But I couldn't find it.""
Liz, ""I don't understand what you're talking about.""
Sally, ""Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls.
I took some dead mice and a bird cage.""
Liz, ""So, how's that going help you get a man?""
Sally, ""Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to
have a good pair of hoo-ters.
Disturbance
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with
a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back
yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew,
she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he
returned a half hour later with a black eye as well.
""Did you get hit by the same person?"" his captain asked.
""No sir,"" he replied. ""I stepped on the same rake.
In Bad Shape
A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for
breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give
him long to live. He decided to live it up.
Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went
on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most
expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out
a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen.
The clerk said, ""Your neck looks bigger than fourteen.
You need a sixteen.""
The man said, ""I know my size. I want them in a
fourteen.""
The clerk said, ""I'll get them for you, but I want to warn
you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and yours
eyes will bulge.
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his Audience. He Said: ""The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!""
The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: ""And that woman was my mother!""
Laughter and Applause!!!
A week later, a top manager trained by the Motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke At home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to His wife who was preparing dinner, ""The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my Wife!""
The wife went; ""ahhhh!"" with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second Half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out ""...and I can't remember who she was!""
By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.
===================
The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, ""How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sit in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?""
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered. ""A football coach?""
=====================
DON'T WORK HARD...""WORK SMART""
Many years ago in a small Indian village,
a farmer had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender.
The moneylender,
who was old and ugly,
fancied the farmer's beautiful daughter.
So he proposed a bargain.
He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his daughter.
Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the proposal.
So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter.
He told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag.
Then the girl would have to pick one pebble from the bag
1) If she picked the black pebble,
she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.
2) If she picked the white pebble she need
not marry him and her father's
debt would still be forgiven.
3) But if she refused to pick a pebble,
her father would be thrown into jail
They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field.
As they talked,
the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up,
the Sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag.
He then asked the girl to pick a pebble from the bag.
Now,
imagine that you were standing in the field.
What would you have done if you were the girl?
If you had to advise her,
what would you have told her?
Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble
2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the money-lender as a cheat.
3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.
Take a moment to ponder over the story.
The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking.
The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking.
Think of the consequences if she chooses the above logical answers.
What would you recommend to the Girl to do?
Well,
here is what she did....
The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble.
Without looking at it,
she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.
Oh, how clumsy of me,'
she said.
'But never mind,
if you look into the bag for the one that is left,
you will be able to tell which pebble I picked.'
Since the remaining pebble is black,
it must be assumed that she had picked the white one.
And since the money-lender dared not admit his dishonesty,
the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Most complex problems do have a solution.
It is only that we don't attempt to think.
Start your day with this thought provoking story and have a nice day.
DON'T WORK HARD...... 'WORK SMART'
====================================
compilation!
What we need is a patch for stupid!
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Q: My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in Paradise . Why?
A: Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ""It's all right?"" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, ""Ouch! That hurt!""
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then...
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter
A guy rushes into the bar and tells the bartender, ""The beers are on me!. My wife ran away with my best friend.""
The bartender smiles and asks, ""That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?""
""Why should I be unhappy?"" replies the guy, ""They saved me a fortune ...both of them are pregnant!""
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000 for these implants.
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to
his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from
this demonstration?
Maya who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
""As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!""
That pretty much ended the service.
Moderator Message
Hi again,
Once more we've had people pass comment on some of the jokes in this thread.
Please can I remind posters to keep all jokes tasteful and appropriate to the potential readership of the board. Jokes containing swearing or sexual innuendo/references aren't really appropriate - if you wish to share them with friends, please consider using email etc.
Thanks,
CathBear.
Man: ""Haven't I seen you someplace before?""
Woman: ""Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.""
Man: ""Is this seat empty?""
Woman: ""Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.""
Man: ""So, wanna go back to my place?""
Woman: ""Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?""
Man: ""Your place or mine?""
Woman: ""Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.""
Man: ""Haven't we met before?""
Woman: ""Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.""
Man: ""I'd like to call you. What's your number?""
Woman: ""It's in the phone book.""
Man: ""But I don't know your name.""
Woman: ""That's in the phone book too.""
Man: ""So what do you do for a living?""
Woman: ""I'm a female impersonator.""
Man: ""I know how to please a woman.""
Woman: ""Then please leave me alone.""
Man: ""I want to give myself to you.""
Woman: ""Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.""
Man: ""I can tell that you want me.""
Woman: ""Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave.""
Man: ""Hey Cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?""
Woman: ""Sorry, I don't date outside my species.""
Man: ""May I see you pretty soon?""
Woman: ""Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?""
Man: ""Your body is like a temple.""
Woman: ""Sorry, there are no services today.""
Man: ""I'd go through anything for you.""
Woman: ""Good! Let's start with your bank account.""
Man: ""I would go to the end of the world for you.""
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. It's best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology,I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
woody-som,
21 and 26 - that's me. ha ha
little girl on a plane
A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.
OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics.. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know sh*t?
Pleasing A Women
A new, special kind of store just opened up in a Manhatten shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that's right - women can browse men from floors of choices.
Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes.. . a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?
So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, ""Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, ""That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. ""Hmmm, better"" she says. ""But I wonder what's upstairs?""
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. ""Wow!"" exclaims the woman, ""very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. ""Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.
best excuse for speeding
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What in hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said.
''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!''
''Have a nice night,'' said the officer.
management stories
Story # 1
It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.
Fox: ""Do you know the time, because my watch is broken""
Lion: ""Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you""
Fox: ""Hmm... But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will only destroy it even more.""
Lion: ""Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed""
Fox: ""That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches""
Lion: ""Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed""
The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.
Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.
Wolf: ""Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken""
Lion: ""Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you""
Wolf: ""You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV.
Lion: ""No problem. Do you want to try it?""
The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.
Scene : Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.
Moral : IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.
Management Lesson in the context of the working world : IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES
Story # 2
It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
Fox: ""What are you working on?""
Rabbit: ""My thesis.""
Fox: ""Hmm... What is it about?""
Rabbit: ""Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes.""
Fox: ""That's ridiculous ! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!
Rabbit: ""Come with me and I'll show you!""
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing.
Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.
Wolf: ""What's that you are writing?""
Rabbit: ""I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves.""
Wolf: ""you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?""
Rabbit: ""No problem. Do you want to see why?""
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.
Finally a bear comes along and asks, ""What are you doing?
Rabbit: ""I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears.""
Bear: ""Well that's absurd !""
Rabbit: ""Come into my home and I'll show you""
Scene : As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.
Moral: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHOM YOU HAVE AS A SUPERVISOR.
Management Lesson in the context of the working world: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU OR NOT
Blonde as a Mother
My family physician told me of an incident that
actually happened to him back in the early days
of his practice.
He said a woman brought her baby to see him,
and he determined right away that the baby had
an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops.
In the directions he wrote, ""Put two drops in right
ear every four hours"" and he abbreviated ""right""
as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with
her baby, complaining that the baby still had an
earache, and his little behind was getting really
greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and
sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following
instructions on the label:
""Put two drops in R ear every four hours.
The Blonde and the Job Interview
A Blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The
interviewer starts with the basics. ""So, Miss, can
you tell us your age, please?""
The Blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half
a minute before replying... ""Ehhhh... 22.""
The interviewer tries another straightforward one
to break the ice. ""And can you tell us your height,
please?""
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring
tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under
her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head.
She checks the measurement and announces...""Five
foot two!""
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the
real basics; something the interviewee won't have to
count, measure, or lookup. ""Just to confirm for our
records, your name please?""
The Air head bobs her head from side to side for about
fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself,
before replying...""Mandy!""
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so
he asks, ""What were you doing when I asked you your
name?""
""Ohhhh, that!"" replies the Air head,"" I was just running
through that song...'Happy birthday to you, happy
birthday to you....'
car OS
Bill’s company made software to run a car.
Bill was taking a test ride of the car. Suddenly a truck came from opposite side.
Bill pressed ctrl+b to apply brakes.
A pop-up window appeared asking, “Are you sure you really want to stop?â€
Before Bill could enter “Yesâ€, there was a crash and the car caught fire.
In panic Bill forgot the password to open the door.
He started shouting “F1! F1!†but there was no computer professional present there to understand his screams.
Then he tried to come out through the car window-pane.
A message appeared on the screen, “An illegal function is performed.
All the window-panes of the car will be closed.†Poor Bill died.
Messengers of death took away his soul and said to him, “You have never ever performed any good deeds in your life. You always stole the code from others. We are going to send you to hell.â€
Bill pleaded, “I am ready to go to hell but do provide me a computer, please.â€
Messengers of death smiled inwardly and permitted him a computer, but with no Alt, Ctrl and Delete keys on the keyboard.
Sleeping Pill
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the
morning and was always late for work. His boss
was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he
didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill
and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the
morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove
cheerfully to work.
""Boss"", he said, ""The pill actually worked!""
""That's all fine"" said the boss, ""But where were you
yesterday?
During an Exam
During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy
Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down
an answer on his test.
This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving
the professor no other choice than to interrogate
the student's test-taking habit.
""Mr. Walters,"" the professor began. ""Is there
something interesting written on your palm?""
""Not at all,"" Billy replied. ""It's all pretty boring.
Ding Dong
Following the death of Quasimodo. the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed.
The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post.
The Bishop, incredulous declared, "" My Son, you have no arms!""
"" No matter"" replied the man. He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon.
The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below.
The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard but a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one of the number asked "" Bishop, who was this man?""
wait for it...
wait for it.....
.."" I don't know his name"" replied the Bishop sadly, "" But his face rings a bell.""
WAIT, WAIT! not through yet!
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart following the death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer for Notre Dame.
The first man to approach addressed him. ""Your Grace, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this belfry yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to replace him.""
The Bishop agreed to an audition, but as the man reached to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs......
""What as happened? Who is this man?"" they cried. "" I don't know his name"" exclaimed the distraught Bishop,.........
wait for it.......
wait for it.....
wait for it.....
........."" I don't know his name............but he's a dead ringer for his brother.
A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!†“What makes you say that?†He asks as he puts on an innocent look. “The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.â€
Having Some Fun With A Wrong Number
It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my
room watching television when the phone rang.
""Hello?"" I said.
A girl's voice came over the line. ""Can I speak to Ben,
please?""
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was
probably a wrong number and I was bored.
I replied, ""I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a
message?""
""Do you know what time he'll be back?"" she responded.
""I think he said he'd be home around 10:00.""
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
""Is this Steve?""
My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a
wrong number.
So I replied, ""Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message
for Ben?""
""Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked
me to call him,"" she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, ""Well, he went out with Karen about an hour
ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.""
A shocked voice now: ""Who's Karen?!""
""The girl he went out with.""
""I know that! I mean... who is she?""
""I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me
to leave a message for Ben?""
""Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets
home.""
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could
hear her temper flaring. ""I sure will. Is this Jennifer?""
She exploded, ""Who's Jennifer?""
Apparently she wasn't.
""Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought
you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake.""
""Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that
Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I
would like him to call me as soon as he gets home.""
I smiled and said, ""Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to
like this...""
*Click*
party crashers
It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.
She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said ""Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?"" about twenty people stood.
Then he asked "" Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?"" about twenty five people stood up.
Then he smiled and said
-
-
-
""Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party"".
a new sin
A gang of hoodlums began hanging out on the steps
of the church and hassling worshipers as they came
in and out. Finally, the situation got so bad that
complaints reached Father Murphy, who decided to
go out and talk to the teenagers.
The priest's appearance was greeted by hoots and
catcalls. But he went up to the leader and said, ""Boys,
I think there are better places for you to hang out
than on God's doorstep.""
The gang leader defiantly said, ""Screw G~d.""
Father Murphy winced. ""You're risking God's wrath
by breaking His holy laws and taking his name.""
The gang leader said, ""Fu/k God's laws. You name
one, I break it. I swear, I steal, I smoke, I
shoot people. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna break
every single f**king law the church has ever make.""
The priest said, ""Do you really mean that?""
The gang leader turned to his buddies and said, ""Do
I ever go back on a promise? Blood oath. I'm gonna
break every church law.""
""Well,"" the priest said, ""I know of at least one sin you
haven't committed.""
""Yeah? Tell me what it is and I'll do it.""
Father Murphy replied, ""There's a strict church law
against suicide. So go kill yourself.
Light Goes Off
72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Jerry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
Jerry replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Jerry's wife. ' Ginger ,' he says, 'Jerry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*! the light goes off?'
'OH MY GOD!' Ginger exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!!!!'
Microsoft buys church
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peter’s Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company’s new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
“We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years,†said Gates. “The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.â€
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company’s new on-line service, “we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time†and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. “You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all without leaving your home.â€
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter’s Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, “Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats,†the crowd roared, but the pontiff’s smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican’s prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors’ access to these key intellectual properties.
“The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,†said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. “You take the parting of the Red Sea — we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.â€
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. “The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience,†notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church’s market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church’s mission is to reach “the four corners of the earth,†echoing MICROSOFT’s vision of “a computer on every desktop and in every homeâ€.
Gates described MICROSOFT’s long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired — “One religion, a couple of different implementations,†said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
Do you go to church?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!â€
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.â€
Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?â€
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.â€
Daughters blind date
Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.
When the girl got back from the date she said ""That was the worst night of my life!""
""Why is that?"" her mom asked.
""He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!""
""Isn't that a good thing?""
""He's the original owner mom!
Very High Health Care Costs...
Health care costs are rising uncontrollably across the world. In America, taxes have been on the rise just to pay for them.
In England, they have begun rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting lists for services just to reduce costs even more. In fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for abortions.
no room
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, ""Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.""
The Jewish lady said, ""But your sign says that you have vacancies.""
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, ""You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town...""
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, ""I'll have you know I converted to your religion.""
The desk clerk said, ""Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?""
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, ""He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.""
""Very good,"" replied the hotel clerk. ""Tell me more.""
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, ""He was born in a manger.""
""That's right,"" said the hotel clerk. ""And why was he born in a manger?""
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, ""Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!
But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso popped out!
The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, ""Take another drink! Take another drink!"" The bartender shook his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms popped out!
The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, ""Take another drink! Take another drink!"" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.
By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.
The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, ""He should have quit while he was a head.""
Think I better go and join Woodysom's bad joke club!
blond on death row
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .â€
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!†Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .â€
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!†Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .â€
The blonde shouts, “fire!!â€
Katina, welcome to the bad joke club, they're the only good ones worth telling
Turn back your car odometer
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, “There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it’s not going to be legal.â€
“That doesn’t matter at all,†replied the blonde. “All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.â€
“Alright,†replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell your car.â€
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette’s advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, “Did you sell your car?â€
“No!†replied the blonde. “Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it.â€
The amazing flying dog
A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she’s trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, “I’ve got just the thing for you madam. I’ll just get him.â€
With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. “This dog is a special dog,†he tells her. “It is able to fly,†he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.
“There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say ‘my’, he’ll eat whatever you’ve mentioned. Watch. “My apple!“†The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.
“He’s cute, and so unusual. I’ll take him,†she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.
“Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!†she exclaims when she gets back home. “He can fly!â€
The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, “Fly eh? Ha! My ass!“
The Perfect Story
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman.
She’s the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
* A Male’s Response *
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what ?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking
'Hoo, man ! Look at the size of this cave ! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave !'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO !'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day the headline of the local newspaper read...............
You'll like this
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
dying preacher
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, ""Preacher, why did you ask us to come?
The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, ""Jesus died between two thieves..and that's how I want to go.
The Code of Ethical Behaviour for Patients
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
I want to take money with me
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most–his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.â€
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.â€
The physician then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.â€
The lawyer then said, “I’m ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.â€
long live bachelors
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled ""It really works !
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, ""I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."" ""
That's right"" the boy said, ""but how did you know?""
""Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, ""I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.""
""That's right, but how did you know?"" asked the girl.
""Oh, just a wild guess,"" said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
""Is it wine?"" she asked.
""No,"" the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
""Is it champagne?"" she asked.
""No,"" the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, ""I give up, what is it?""
With great glee, the boy replied, ""It's a puppy!
what to you get is you cross a bee with a bell? ( a humdinger)
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in
bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She
finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of
whiskey in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought,
just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip
of his whiskey.
""What's the matter, dear?"" she asks. ""Why are you down here
at this time of night?""
The husband looks up from his coffee, ""Do you remember 20
years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?"" he
asks solemnly.
""Yes, I do,"" she replies.
""Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat
of my car making love?""
""Yes, I remember,"" says the wife, lowering herself into a
chair beside him.
The husband continues, ""Do you remember when he shoved the
gun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or
I'll send you to jail for 20 years?""
""I remember that, too,"" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, ""I would have
gotten out today.
Q and A animal jokes
Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.
Q: Why is a tree like a dog?
A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.
Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.
Q: What is the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker?
A: It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!
Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.
parts manager
A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory.
But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.
Furious at the factory's incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.
Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: ""TURN THE BOX OVER.
to church for forgiveness
One time three very bad people felt guilty for the different crimes they committed and went to a church to ask god forgiveness. There, they found a priest.
So all three of them went to the priest. The first crook said ""Oh, Father! I have killed an innocent man and now I am feeling very guilty! Please ask god to forgive me!"" The priest murmured a blessing and told the crook ""God has forgiven you my son, and now go and drink the water from the well of purity"". The Father pointed toward a fountain with sparkling water. The first crook went and drank the water. ""The water tastes weird"" he said and went away.
The second crook came to the priest and said ""Oh, Father! I have stolen alot of money from many people and now I am feeling very guilty! Please ask god to forgive me!"" The priest murmured a blessing and said ""God has forgiven you my son, and now go and drink the water from the well of purity"". So the second crook went and drank the sparkling water in the fountain. ""This water tastes funny"", he said and went away.
Now only the third crook remained. ""What is it that you did wrong, my son?"" the priest asked. With an uneasy look the last crook said,""I peed in the well"".
madam and sir
Hearing a department store clerk address the lady as ""Ma'am,""
four year old Jennifer asked what that meant.
""Ma'am is short for madam,"" her mother replied. ""It's a polite way to address a woman.""
Jennifer asked what name Daddy would be called.
""Sir,"" mother answered.
""Sir ..."" she thought for a moment, ""that must be short for
servant!
Tanjooberrymutts
By the time you read through this you wil understand 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...
Room Service : ""Morrin. Roon sirbees.""
Guest : ""Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.""
Guest: ""Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine.""
RoomService: ""We botter?""
Guest: ""No, just put the botter on the side.""
RoomService: ""Wad?!?""
Guest: ""I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side.""
RoomService: ""Copy?""
Guest: ""Excuse me?""
RoomService: ""Copy...tea.. meel?""
Guest: ""Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything.""
RoomService: ""One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??""
Guest: ""Whatever you say.""
RoomService: ""Tanjooberrymutts.""
Guest: ""You're welcome""
Remember I said ""By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
Computer lingo guide
Monitor – Keep an eye on the wood stove
Megahertz – When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning
Floppy disk – What you get from piling too much wood into your wood stove
Ram – The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter work
Drive – Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stove
Hard drive – Trying to get home during a heavy snow storm
Prompt – What you wish the mail was during the snow season
Enter – Come on in
Windows – What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below
Screen – What is a must during black fly season
Chip – What you munch during a football games
Microchip – What’s left in the bag when the normal chips are gone
Modem – What you did to your fields last July
Dot Matrix – Eino Matrix’s wife
Laptop – Where the grandkids sit
Keyboard – Where you’re supposed to put the keys so the wife can find them
Software – Plastic picnic utensils
Mouse – What leaves those little turds in the cupboard
Mainframe – The part of the house that holds up the roof
Port – Where the commercial fishing boats dock
Random Access Memory – When you can’t remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when wife asks about it
working late
A young accountant stayed late at the office day after day.
Finally, the boss called him in and asked for an explanation.
""Well, you see sir,"" he stammered, ""my wife works, too -- and if I get home before she does, I have to cook the dinner.
California Winemakers
California winemakers in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
I heard it through the grapevine.
A new survey found that one-third of married women with pets say their animals are better listeners than their husbands.
When husbands heard that they were like, 'Huh? You say something?'
Blonde on a plane
There is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in the coach section.
A flight attendant realizes the blonde's mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won't move.
She says, ""I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York.""
The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she won't move.
She says again, ""I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York.""
The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious blonde. They tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde's ear.
Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the pilot goes back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.
They ask him and he says, ""Oh, it was easy. All I had to do was tell her that the first class section wasn't going to New York!
Grandpa and Grandma
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight .
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills .
The son said, ""I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive""
""How much?"" asked Grandpa .
""$10.00 a pill,"" Answered the son ..
""I don't care,"" said Grandpa, ""I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow . ""
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow .. He called Grandpa and said, ""I told you each pill was $10, not $110 .
""I know,"" said Grandpa . ""The hundred is from Grandma!"" Very Happy
Wailing Wall
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. ""Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
""Morris Fishbien,"" he replied.
""Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?""
""For about 60 years.""
""60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?""
""I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."" ""I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. "" ""I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.""
""How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?""
""Like I'm talking to a f@##$g brick wall!
Big People Words
A group of primary kids were trying to become
accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle
they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby
talk.
""You need to use 'big people' words,"" she'd always
remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
""I went to visit my Nana.""
""No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big
people words!""
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. ""I took
a ride on a choo-choo.""
She said, ""No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big
people words.""
She then asked Bobby what he had done. ""I read a
book,"" he replied.
""That's WONDERFUL!"" the teacher said. ""What book
did you read?""
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest
with great pride and said, ""Winnie the Sh/t.
Lonely Frog
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: ""You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.""
The frog is thrilled, ""This is great!
""Will I meet her at a party?"" he croaks.
""No,"" says the psychic, ""in biology class.
1,000 Valentine Cards
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a
middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter
methodically placing ""Love"" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes
out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all
over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up
to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, ""I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess who?'""
""But why?"" asks the man.
""I'm a divorce lawyer,"" the man replies.
Lawyer Under Anaesthesia
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up
from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife
was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, ""You're
beautiful!"" and then he fell asleep again. His
wife had never heard him say that so she
stayed by his side.
A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open
and he said ""You're cute!""
Well, the wife was disappointed because instead
of 'beautiful' it was 'cute.'
She said, ""What happened to 'beautiful'?""
His reply was, ""The drugs are wearing off!
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband
Five Kinds of Sex""
The first is Avatar Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon; you both
keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage;
you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence,
also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids,
so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway
and say, ""Screw you!""
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife
screws you in front of everyone in court.
The Genie
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, 'Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?
The woman did not hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East '. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.'
The woman thought for a minute and said, ' Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man.'
The genie let out a SIGH, rolled his eyes and said, 'Let me see the f*cking map again.'
All but one of the seven dwarfs is happy
Good News and Bad News For a Pastor
Good News: You baptized seven people today
in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift
current.
Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you
a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job
description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also
formed a search committee to find somebody
capable of filling the position.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who
approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the ""Gong
Show,"" ""South Park"" and ""Texas Chain Saw Massacre.""
Good News: Your women's softball team finally
won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more
church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn
of your parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the
last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the
Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop
of your denomination.
Good News: The youth in your church come to your
house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they
are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to
'decorate' your house.
Why Men Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you ba/stard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favour.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.
Windows 7 to be supplied ‘pre-infected’
Software giants Microsoft have announced that the long awaited Windows 7 will have all current spyware viruses already pre-installed to save consumers endless hours trawling porn sites to download them at home. The announcement was made live on-line today on both the official Windows site and chick-with-dicks.com .
The latest version of the world’s most popular operating system will see desktop functions cut back slightly, with only two available backgrounds, the famed ‘blue screen of death’ and the classic Microsoft ‘404 not found’. The unexpected screen-freeze for which Microsoft has become synonymous has been upgraded to standard GMT timings, with fixed point freezing on the quarter hour and a full system lock out every sixty minutes.
With no further need for porn site exploring, the casual browser has been catered for with pre-installed software ‘wankfinder.sys32′ which asks how much time you have alone, before finding the appropriate clip in a microsecond. The traditional enthusiastic dog with the wagging tail is replaced by an animated right hand. Any downloaded pornography from this application will now automatically be stored in a folder called DAD’S-PORN-KEPT-HERE on the desktop, to make it harder for spouses and children to locate.
When questioned during the launch Microsoft CEO Bill Gates was visibly proud of the overall effectiveness of the new operating system; ‘By supplying all of the code already screwed up, Microsoft has cleverly outflanked all those hackers out there.’ As anticipated, Internet Explorer is not an option with Windows 7, with industry-wide polls over the past four years revealing 99.9% of users were already using Mozilla. However, Windows 7 will offer a Firefox (Virus Added Edition) plug-in as a shortcut on the desktop.
‘Best of all we have made security issues much simpler,’ added Gates. ‘Now all your passwords and security details are stored in a single text document which is made available on all the peer-to-peer file-sharing networks.’ The Serious Fraud Office said that they did not anticipate a significant rise in identity theft; ‘The likelihood of two computers using Windows both working at the same time remains slim.’
First past the post’ to be abolished for London Olympics
The cash-strapped London Olympic Committee announced today that they are abandoning the traditional “First Past the Post†system for the games in 2012.
‘We’ve learned from the recent election’ declared Lord Coe. ‘The ballot lasted 15 hours but discussions about who would form the next government continued for several days. This would let us cut costs by reducing the number of events but keeping TV coverage going for days.’
The format has already been tested in a regional event where one competitor thought he had won gold with his 88m javelin throw until verified the two runners up threatened to combine their distances to score a potential 143m. However, after four days the competitors finishing first and third agreed to share the gold with a mammoth combined 170m throw.
Last episode of New Labour disappoints viewers
Regular viewers of the long-running saga New Labour have complained about feeling let down by the finale of the series after it was axed at the end of Season 3.
Many viewers had found that the series had lost its way after the declaration of war that was broadly seen as an attempt to revive interest following flagging ratings, and the subsequent departure of the once popular lead character Tony.
The end scene that saw Gordon walk into the sunset hand in hand with his family was also considered by many to be a tacky and sentimental.
New Labour is to be replaced by The Coalition which critics already predict will not make it beyond series 1 .
Launch of Samantha Cameron swimwear range ‘not politically motivated
The Conservative party has denied that the launch of a new range of revealing swimwear and lingerie by party leader David Cameron’s wife Samantha has been timed to coincide with the election.
Sami’s Cami’s were developed with fashion giant Karl Lagerfeld and include a 15-piece range of bikinis, thongs and teddies which accompanying adverts say will turn the Tory party into the Phwoarry Party.
However, the party has come under fire for using images of Conservative ladies modelling Mrs Cameron’s lingerie as part of its latest electoral poster campaign. Pictures of Ann Widdecombe wearing a basque are said to have caused a four car pile up on the A303. W H Smith has refused to stock magazines featuring the range of adverts, including one of Shadow Works and Pensions secretary Theresa May wearing nothing but a black bodystocking. Smith’s move is in response to a number of complaints from worried parents about the ads.
‘I’m not sure I’m comfortable with the thought of our local MP dressed up in pantyhose and a bra,’ said Carol Cushing, a concerned mother of two from Lowestoft, ‘especially when he doesn’t really suit it.’
The posters, which feature slogans like, ‘Knickers to the opposition’ and ‘The Conservatives are getting changed’, have already been hoaxed by internet pranksters. Fake slogans, such as ‘I’ve never voted Conservative before; because they’re pants’, have been added by web wags.
Mr Cameron meanwhile has dismissed the criticism as a ‘storm in a D cup’ and said that his wife’s background in the luxury goods sector meant that it inevitable she would eventually launch her own fashion line.
‘Really, this is just an extension of Samantha’s own personal style,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘many’s the time I’ve come home from a hard day at the political coal face to find Sam preparing a traditional family meal in a comfortable lace teddy. And in summer, people barely bat an eyelid at her doing the school run in a one-piece bikini. Personally, I resent the implication that I might be using my shapely wife as some form of political capital. I can’t help it if she isn’t some frumpy old boiler, as I imagine some other party leader’s wives might be.’
When asked how much input he had into the clothing, Mr Cameron smirked and said, ‘I’ve always been very hands on.’
Luton council stuns Chelsea Flower Show with ‘car on bricks
Luton town council have wowed the judges at the Chelsea flower show with their stunning display of a rusting Vauxhall Cavalier mounted on bricks, accompanied by its former engine set gracefully to one side in a puddle of rainwater and brake fluid.
Visitors were stunned by the ’sensitive’ setting of the vehicle in foot-long grass, dog poo and a range of cheap discarded furniture, and the head of the judging panel was said to be particularly impressed by the ‘artful nature’ and realism of the car’s dilapidation.
The garden is a hot tip to win the competition, which has been trying to get away from ‘conventionally pretty’ entrants that fail to express the talent of the underclass for decorating their gardens with ordinary household items that the less artistically-talented would be only too eager to take to the local dump.
Massive Oil of Olay slick causing fresher, younger-looking fish
A freighter carrying a shipment of Oil of Olay regenerating cream has run-aground off the coast of eastern Sicily, leaking thousands of litres of the amino-peptide laden moisturiser into the sea.
An Oil of Olay spokesman said ‘We are working hard with the local authorities to clear up the spill, however on the plus side, the local marine inhabitants are looking better than ever, especially in the hard to reach areas around the eyes, gills and behind the fins.’
At the time of going to press, all the fish could be seen floating upside-down on the surface of the slick, presumably sunbathing, enjoying the UV protection found in the UK’s favourite regenerating skin care product.
Brand owner Proctor & Gamble will however need all the cream they can get, as many corporate brows are sure to be furrowed and new wrinkles creased when they receive the bill for the clearing up, with Messina Mayor Giuseppe Buzzanca angrily stating ‘this is one blemish they can’t make disappear overnight.’
North Korea to deny it has a South
North Korea has announced plans to completely scrap any concept of having a South, in retaliation for Seoul blaming Pyongyang for a submarine attack on one of its warships.
United Nations officials wrote to the North Korean government demanding an explanation for the attack only to be told ‘South? What South?’
South Korea has further stoked tensions by massing large groups of soldiers along the border, waving, mooning and trying to catch the eye of Northern border patrols. Troops from the North are under strict orders not to respond to anything annoying, especially when it is coming from somewhere that they know couldn’t possibly exist.
Kim Jong Il last night issued a statement warning against attempts to locate the mythical Southern region, saying that those who attempt it will fall off the edge of the world or be eaten by dragons.
Blonde and TV News
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock
news. The news was about a man about ready to
jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ""I bet
you $50 the man is going to jump.""
The blonde replies, ""Okay you're on.""
Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives
the brunette $50. The brunette says, ""I can't accept
this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw
the man jump then.""
""No, you have to take it,"" says the blonde. ""I watched
the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do
it again.
Thanks woody. what alot of jokes to catch up on since been off seems like ages. brill reading xxx
Lord Mandelson to leave Earth and return to his home planet
Lord Mandelson today announced his intention to leave planet Earth and return to his homeworld of Mongo, declaring, ‘my work here is done.’
As a member of the House of Lords he is unable to face his opposite number in the Commons, and this is believed to have prompted his decision to give up human form.
In a prepared statement, Lord Mandelson said: ‘After serious consideration I have decided that the time has come for me to leave you all and return to the stars. I have grown reasonably fond of you primitive bipeds, but I regret I will not be around to further manipulate your destiny.
‘I have contacted my mothership and, volcanic ash permitting, it should arrive to collect me on Tuesday. Farewell, puny humans. We Mongoids have an old saying, which is Klaatu, Barada, Nikto, meaning ‘So long and thanks for all the nice suits’.’
Prior to the election Lord Mandelson warned that if mankind did not heed his warnings and vote accordingly he would make the Earth stand still. Subsequently a series of walkouts and strikes by British workers have demonstrated the seriousness of this threat.
Lord Mandelson will leave behind his large robotic drone Gordo as a permanent reminder to the human race of their insignificance in the galactic scheme of things.
Helping an overweight blonde
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: “How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?â€
Alcoholic Side Effects
The Government is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappearâ€.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Depressed man
A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.
One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked ""Why are you so happy anyway?""
He said ""I'm NOT happy; I am trying to scratch my ass.
Outstanding schools to become ninja academies
The government have announced that all schools judged ‘outstanding’ by Ofsted will be given the opportunity to apply for ninja academy status.
‘For too long our schools have been shackled by red tape and bureaucracy that inhibits them from teaching our children how to become highly trained killing machines,’ said Education Secretary Michael Gove, ‘these academies will be able to set their own curriculum and focus on the core learning goals of espionage, sabotage, infiltration and assassination.’
However, the plans have been criticised by teaching unions. ‘These academies sound good in theory,’ said Chris Keates, general secretary of the NASUWT, ‘but have you ever tried teaching ninjas? Most of the time you have no idea where they are hiding; then, the minute you turn your back, they are leaping out at you wielding knives. Quite honestly, we get enough of that already.’
Aid agencies alerted as BA strikers face starvation
‘The drink situation is almost as bad,’ said another unnamed striker, ‘some of us are down to our last bottle of Pimm’s, the litre bottles of duty-free are all empty and there are only a handful of whisky miniatures left.’
Benson & Hedges launch ‘the cigarette’
Hailed as the best hope yet of helping people overcome their addiction to nicotine, Benson & Hedges have announced the launch of their innovative ‘cigarette’, a device that is set to replace patches and those silly plastic tubes you can use on aeroplanes.
The new gizmo consists of a column of tobacco laced with various carcinogens, bound by paper and sealed at one end by a protective filter. Users simply pop the cigarette into their ‘mouths’, light it with a ‘match’ and inhale the heady mixture of smoke and carbon monoxide into their so-called ‘lungs’.
Clinical trials of the cigarette have produced amazing results, housewife Valerie Johnson wanted to thank Benson & Hedges from the bottom of her still-beating heart: ‘for the first time in years I have had real difficulty climbing the stairs. When I eventually reached the top, I succumbed to a near-fatal asthma attack. It’s really given me my old life back.’
The ‘cigarette’ is now available in the shops. Just ask your pharmacist.
All women should know how to take care of children.
Most of them will have a husband some day.
Spiders
I was reading how a female spider will kill and then eat the male spider after mating.
I guess female spiders know that life insurance is easier to collect than child support.
Going to Heaven
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says
to the first man he meets, ""Do you want to go to heaven?""
The man said, ""I do Father.""
The priest said, ""Then stand over there against the wall.""
Then the priest asked the second man, ""Do you want to
got to heaven?""
""Certainly, Father,"" was the man's reply.
""Then stand over there against the wall,"" said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said,
""Do you want to go to heaven?""
O'Toole said, ""No, I don't Father.""
The priest said, ""I don't believe this. You mean to tell me
that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?""
O'Toole said, ""Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were
getting a group together to go right now.
Kitty's Heaven
St Peter is receptionist at the entrance of Heaven. A cat
shows up and St Peter says, ""I know you! You were a
very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so
I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you
have always wanted.""
Cat: ""Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow
like my master had, so I could lie on it.""
St Peter: ""That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin
pillow after you enter in.""
Next, a group of mice appeared and St Peter greeted
them and said: ""Ah, I remember you. You were such
good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's
house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want
to grant you one special wish you have always wanted.""
The Chief Mouse replied, ""Well, we always watched the
children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was
beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we
each have some roller skates, please?""
St Peter: ""Granted. You shall have your wish.""
Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates,
and sees the cat. ""Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin
pillow?""
Cat: ""Oh, indeed I did. And say...that 'Meals on Wheels'
thing was a nice touch, too!
Head Stone
When her late husband's will was read, a widow
learned he had left the bulk of his fortune to
another woman.
Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription
on her spouse's tombstone.
""Sorry, lady,"" said the stonecutter. ""I inscribed
'Rest in Peace' on your order. I can't change it
now.""
""Very well,"" she said grimly. ""Just add, 'Until
We Meet Again'.
Colon Quips
A physician claims these are actual comments
from his patients made while he was performing
colonoscopies:
""Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where
no man has gone before.""
""Find Amelia Earhart yet?""
""Can you hear me NOW?""
""Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!""
""Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we
there yet?""
""You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally
married.""
""Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?""
""You put your left hand in, you take your left
hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey....""
""Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!""
""If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!""
""Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.""
""Could you write me a note for my wife, saying
that my head is not, in fact, up there?
BP Gulf
As the crisis in the Gulf of Mexico entered its eighth week, fears continued to grow that the massive flow of bullshit still gushing from the headquarters of oil giant BP could prove catastrophic if nothing is done to contain it.
The toxic bullshit, which began to spew from the mouths of BP executives shortly after the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig in April, has completely devastated the Gulf region, delaying cleanup efforts, affecting thousands of jobs, and endangering the lives of all nearby wildlife.
""Everything we can see at the moment suggests that the overall environmental impact of this will be very, very modest,"" said BP CEO Tony Hayward, letting loose a colossal stream of undiluted bullshit. ""The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean, and the volume of oil we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total volume of water.""
Hayward's comments fueled fears that the spouting of overwhelmingly thick and slimy bullshit may never subside.
According to sources, the sheer quantity of bullshit pouring out of Hayward is unprecedented, and it has thoroughly drenched the coastlines of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida, with no end in sight.
Though no one knows exactly how much of the dangerous bullshit is currently gushing from BP headquarters, estimates put the number at somewhere between 25,000 and 70,000 words a day.
Along with the region's wildlife and fragile ecosystem, countless livelihoods have been jeopardized by BP's unchecked flow of corporate shit. Those who depend on fishing or tourism for their income are already feeling the noxious effects of the bullshit firsthand, as out-of-control platitudes begin to reach land and seep ashore.
Despite Hayward's denials that BP is at fault for the environmental disaster and his concern that it will result in ""illegitimate"" American lawsuits, the embattled CEO has still managed to trickle out a few last drips of bullshit sympathy for Gulf Coast residents.
""I'm as devastated as you are by this,"" Hayward said after a meeting with cleanup crews on Louisiana's Fourchon Beach. ""We will clean every last drop up and we will remediate all of the environmental damage.""
""We must all work together if we're going to cure our nation of this addiction,"" Palmer said. ""The sad fact is, the United States has been running on bullshit for decades.
Man charged after using bathroom cleaning product in kitchen
William Davies, a 45-year-old single man from Porthcawl in South Wales, has been charged with using a spray cleaner intended for use only in bathrooms to wipe down his kitchen worktops and hob when he ran out of cleaning fluid.
‘This is a despicable irresponsible crime’ British Cleaning Products Association spokesman Barry Scott told reporters. ‘Our members slave over the design of specific products for different purposes, and the idea that a kitchen sink and a bathroom basin could be cleaned with the same cleanser is ridiculous. Unless it’s our new No-Grime All-in-One Multi-room Power Foam Cleanser. It’s unstoppable!’
Davies is to plead not guilty to the charge, on the grounds that no single man living on his own would be using any kind of bathroom cleaning products in any circumstances.
Milking Cows
A salesman's car breaks down, so he asks a farmer
to let him spend the night, and the farmer agrees.
In the middle of the night, the salesman wakes up
and is really thirsty, so he decides to go to the barn
and get some milk from a cow.
Soon, the farmer hears noises coming from the barn
and goes to investigate. He then sees the salesman
coming out of the barn soaking wet and with a white
liquid dripping down his face. The farmer asks, ""What
happened to you?""
The salesman says, ""I just got thirsty, so I milked your
cow. It was so dark in there I don't know how I did it.
But I'm telling you, that cow has great milk! I must have
drank a gallon of it!""
The farmer then stares at him with a puzzled look and
says, ""But we don't have a cow. We just have the bull...""
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
""A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop
speech when words become superfluous.""
-- Ingrid Bergman
Government admits CCTV cameras ‘have not made British public any better looking
A Home Office review published today has found that installing CCTV cameras everywhere in the UK has singularly failed to prompt the general population to make a bit of an effort with their appearance whenever they’re out and about in public.
Home Secretary Theresa May had initially supported the previous government’s efforts to shame the public into ‘at least slinging on a pair of kitten heels when popping out to the Post Office’ through the use of persistent video surveillance, but acknowledged that despite the difficult sacrifice of many hard-won civil liberties, ‘the nation is still as fugly now as it was in 1997.’ The incoming government has instead pledged to slash the number of cameras in Britain, and dumped a Lib Dem manifesto pledge to switch CCTV to HD, the terrifying results of which, ‘would have put the special effects horrors of Doctor Who to shame.’
The proposed cuts will save £1.2bn next year, money which will be spent on encouraging Trinny and Susannah to make a new series of What Not to Wear, and a plan for Gok Wan to be nationalised.
North Korea to plant giant Leylandii across 38th Parallel
North Korean investment in ladders 'soaring' In a move set to worsen diplomatic tensions, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il has announced plans to plant a giant fast growing Leylandii bush across the 38th parallel, the line that divides North and South Korea.
‘This is so typical of the People’s Republic next door,’ said South Korean leader, President Lee Myung-bak, ‘ever since we opposed their plans to build an extension in 1950 they have had it in for us. They deliberately park their tanks on our lawn, they are constantly stomping up and down with their military parades and their missile testing often goes on until the early hours of the morning.’
As tensions mounted, the South pledged to defend itself against what it sees as an overt act of arboreal aggression. ‘The planting of Leylandii is in direct contravention of the Non-Coniferation Treaty,’ said the South Korean President, ‘if they continue with their plans then we shall have no alternative but to launch short range tactical hedge strimmers.’
Pharmaceutical companies cashing in on ‘World Cup fever’ outbreak
Pharmaceutical companies welcomed a decision by UK authorities to spend millions of pounds on medication to counter an imminent threat of ‘World Cup Fever’.
The Department of Health sanctioned the spending after statistics were presented by representatives of the major drug companies that showed an alarming rise in sick days experienced in mid-June every four years. The statistics showed that millions of sufferers were often struck down simultaneously on workday afternoons and would often be unable to return to work the next day, experiencing symptoms of a severity usually only seen in tropical birds such as parrots.
However devolved governments in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland slammed the spending, with spokesmen questioning whether such a thing as the World Cup even existed. International experts also suggested the action was alarmist, as even a severe outbreak of World Cup fever in heavily populated parts of England would as usual blow itself out after a couple of weeks.
FA insists England have clear World Cup exit strategy
The Football Association hit back last night after the international community criticised the England football team for becoming embroiled in yet another intractable foreign campaign that everyone agrees is unwinnable. ‘We have learned from the mistakes of the past,’ said David Sheepshanks, joint-acting Chairman of the FA. ‘This time we are entering the competition with a clear exit strategy. I give England fans my word that we will have the boys home inside a fortnight.’
Guide to Advanced Nose Picking
Deep Salvage Pick - Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.
Utensil Pick - When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.
Extra Pick - When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equaled by winning the lottery.
Depression Pick - When your sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.
Pick A Lot - What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.
Kiddie Pick - When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!
Camouflaged Kiddie Pick - When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
Fake Nose Scratch - When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
Making A Meal Out Of It - You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
Surprise Pickings - When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
Autopick - The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....
Pick Your Brains - Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
Pick And Save - When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
Pick And Flick - Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.
Pick And Stick - You wanted it to be a ""Pick and Flick,"" but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
Pipe Cleaner Pick - The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.
u might be a Caffeine Addict if
You might be a Caffeine addict if...
* You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.
* You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.
* You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.
* Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.
* You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.
* You can't remember the last time you blinked.
* The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.
* You could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.
Is That Your Husband?
After a night of making love the guy rolls over and says, ""That's the best sex I've ever had!"" Then he notices a picture of a man on the night stand, so he began to worry.
""Is that your husband?""
""No silly,"" she replied as she snuggled to him.
""Your boyfriend then?""
""No, not at all,"" she said as she nibbled at his ear.
""Well, who is he then?"" the bewildered man demanded.
Calmly the girl replied, ""That's me before the surgery...
You have an Internet addiction when . . .
You kiss your girlfriend’s home page.
A virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8…ISDN…cable modem…T1…T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as “Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
Your dog’s homepage is actually good.
You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.
You check your mail. It says “no new messages.†So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do†and you don’t even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.â€
You get a tatoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher.â€
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP…because you never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back†button.
Stupid drivers forced to display white flags with red cross
Under new proposals to improve road safety during the summer season when traffic levels on Britain’s roads peak, the government has rolled out plans under which the stupidest drivers in England will have to identify themselves by displaying distinctive red and white flags on each side of the car. In extreme cases, more than two flags will need to be carried.
‘This is not discrimination, it is common sense,’ said new Transport Minister Norman Baker MP. ‘Some aggressive young men with brains the size of sweetcorn are a dangerous menace on our roads. With this requirement in place, at least other drivers and pedestrians will be able to see them coming.’
Emergency legislation has been brought in to require all those defined as boy racers, pillocks and half-wits to display the flags from today until the end of July. If successful, the safety scheme may be extended indefinitely.
Some commentators have questioned the governments’ legal definition of ’stupid drivers’ which a leaked memo reveals as ‘all builders, scaffolding workers, road diggers and delivery men, and any other male who works with his hands or takes sugar in his tea.’
The devolved Scottish and Welsh governments said that they would not be introducing similar legislation, fearing that it may be counter-productive. When Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond was repeatedly asked if there were any plans to fly flags from vehicles in Scotland this summer, his response was to swear loudly at the English reporter and then attempt to punch him in the face.
In a separate development, the government’s clampdown on loutish behaviour has seen a clampdown targetted at young males wearing football shirts in public. The guidelines caused a delay to the kick off in the England friendly on Friday night after twenty-two men were detained by police in the Wembley area.
Not a joke as such but had to share
Sitting in my car a few weeks ago, I noticed a girl come along and point her keys at a light blue Citroen C3 parked directly opoposite me. Several times she pointed the keys at it but the car did not open. She kept on trying.. and then sudddenly stopped, crossed the carpark and tried a light blue Ford Focus instead.
Yep! this was her car. As she said to me, through my open window, ""Its really difficult when there's cars the same colour!
Scientist vs God
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,
""Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally
figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other
words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'.""
""Oh, is that so? Tell me..."" replies God.
""Well"", says the scientist, ""we can take dirt and form it
into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus
creating man.""
""Well, that's interesting. Show Me.""
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to
mold the soil.
""Oh no, no, no..."" interrupts God,
""Get your own dirt!
Ryanair to charge customers for not beating them with a stick
RyanAir has announced a new service charge for customers that will give passengers the option of paying “a small administration fee†to not be repeatedly struck on the head by truncheon-wielding cabin crew for the duration of their flight.
Michael O’Leary described the move as opening up a major stream of new revenue by charging customers not only for basic services they want, but also for ‘a potentially infinite’ number of things they don’t. Later in the year the airline is planning to introduce a £5 opt-out option for passengers who’d rather remove their own fingernails, instead of having the check-in girl do it, and a £50 surcharge for choosing a seat not next to a man with a loud hailer shouting “HOLY CHRIST WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!†during take-off, landing and any in-flight turbulence.
While the airline is predicting that the charges will attract customers demanding a service that is not actively tortuous, industry analysts are doubtful over its impact, claiming anyone still booking flights with the company is “clearly a fucking masochist alreadyâ€.
Whilst he is sipping his pint he hear's a voice saying nice shirt the man turns around but there is nobody there.
He sips his drink again
The voice says nice tie
Again the man looks around still nobody there
The man goes to the other end of the bar and asked the bar tender if he said something to him
No said the bar tender why?
The man explained what he heard
The bar tender said oh that will be the nuts they are complementary
Best Joke in the world.....Ever.......
The England Football Team.
Ha ha. Every cloud has a silver lining - penalty slip up of 2006 coupled with this years fiasco brings everlasting peace for us Scots. 1966 win put to bed forever. Amen.
I guess they still be singing the three lions song with ""50 years ago"" England football team are RUBBISH, they should put the England flags on bin lorries.
The Total Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!
The Total Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!
Let's begin:
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.
Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.
Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.
Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like ""Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!"" Simply click the link to get started.
Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.
Q: Okay, I've found one that says ""Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!"" Is that good?
A: Perfect.
Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.
Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.
Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.
Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.
Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.
Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.
Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.
Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:
--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.
--Join every free banner exchange.
--Get your own free-for-all links page.
--Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.
--Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines.
--Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.
--Hire a bulk emailer.
--Sponsor a golf tournament.
Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.
Politics Explained
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
What was ensteins first name.......... Frank
as in frank enstein ......... Ps a kid told me this is was arguing it was albert
The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he
wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use
for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the
box, and decided he would start off by taking his new
pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, ""Would you like to
go to church with me today? We will have a good time.""
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and
then asked again, ""How about going to church with me
and receive blessings?""
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and
pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about
the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house
and shouted, ""Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church
with me and learn about God?""
This time, a little voice came out of the box, ""I heard you
the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!
Government to encourage poor people to catch their own food
Details have emerged from the budget for plans to train ‘dole-scroungers’ in the arts of bushcraft. The scheme, hidden within the reduced budget for the SureStart programme, will see ’sofa-huggers’ cast out into the countrified areas of Britain in search of a decent meal.
Under the scheme poor people will be bussed from areas which are about to become much more deprived into the green areas of Britain and will there be taught everything they need to know to conjure up the perfect meal for a family living in a tenement. ‘We’ll start them off by dragging a pot noodle through the undergrowth and letting them pick up the scent and chase it,’ said Lord Perigrine B’lather.
‘It will set the process off and from there they’ll graduate to rabbits, fish, even deer, and ultimately a greater feeling of self-esteem and a desire to contribute to the wider, smaller, bigger, slimmer, exclusive, inclusive society that we have in mind,’ said his lordship, adding; ‘Although if they try it on my land; ‘I’ll shoot their bloody balls orf.’
Wasps no longer fooled by water in a jam jar
Wasps have announced that, acting on some market research they commissioned, they have changed their outlook and will no longer placidly fall into a jam jar containing water and drown.
‘What is this, the 1950s?’ asked a spokes-wasp. ‘Every hive now has its own BayWasp team with special red outfits trained to rescue the dim ones who fall in. Every wasp will soon have goggles to detect that blue light thing you think we are love with.’
With the old guard and its ’sting, sting, sting’ ethos dying out young wasps are also more content with their lives and are even taking a stake in hive ownership. Many also enjoy drinking, mainly in the early autumn.
‘You call us ‘dopey’ or ’sleepy’ when in fact we are either off our tits or suffering a massive hangover,’ the spokes-wasp added. ‘There’s more to us than just landing on iced buns you know!’
Scientists find even more pointless particles
Scientists have today announced the probable existence of even more complicated particles, the concepts of which are even hard to grasp even for people as clever as them.
‘Einstein once said that, apart from him, only a handful of people really understood relativity,’ said Professor Steve Watts, Emeritus Chair in Look Why Bother It’s Really Too Complex Science at Cambridge University.
‘But these days with all the press articles about particle colliders and Stephen Hawking and Bill Bryson explaining things to everybody any bloke down the pub thinks he can explain the origins of the universe. We hope that by announcing these new potential particles we can put people back in the dark about dark matter.’
England football team enter into historic coalition with Germany
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has announced that the defeated England football team are to enter into coalition with Germany. Under the arrangement three England players will now join the German side although they will only be allowed to sit on the bench.
‘The Anglo-German coalition represents a new kind of progressive football,’ said Mr Clegg, ‘it gives England a once in a lifetime opportunity to go through to the final stages of the World Cup. In return, all the Germans ask for is our undivided loyalty.’
As part of the deal England fans will now be expected to sing the German national anthem before each match, wear lederhosen for the remainder of the tournament and to drive around with little German flags attached to their cars.
To make things easy for the English, they will still be allowed to carry on shouting: ‘Eng-GER-land’ so long as the emphasis is on the ‘GER’.
‘We are delighted that the English have finally seen sense,’ said German Chancellor Angela Merkel, ‘and in return for letting them sit on the bench, the England squad have kindly agreed to wash the German kit and prepare the oranges for half time.’
The deal has already received the full support of the rest of the Liberal Democrats in the Cabinet: ‘This represents a fantastic opportunity for England,’ hsaid, ‘admittedly, none of our players will be allowed to touch the ball or play any part in the match, but standing on the sidelines and jumping up and down is what coalition is all about.’
However, the deal has received a mixed reception from the England squad. ‘It makes little difference to me,’ said Wayne Rooney, ‘I mostly stand around doing nothing anyway.’ Meanwhile, John Terry admitted, ‘It’s not exactly what we wanted. But at least it gives me the chance to try my luck with the German players’ wives and girlfriends.’
‘Breathing harmful to health’ experts warn
Health experts in California warned today that breathing can have a harmful effect on health, far outweighing the positive benefits of providing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide.
‘With each breath, the average human inhales millions of random microbes from the air,’ said Dr. Alvin J. Flywell III. ‘Any of these can pose major health threats, from low level cold and influenza, to more serious viral conditions.’
‘Furthermore, repeated flexing of the chest muscles, particularly in the rapid breathing required by athletes to produce the performance they need, can result in tissue damage to this area of the chest cavity.’
‘Be very careful where you are when you breathe – avoid contact with crowds and heavily polluted areas and always try to breathe as gently as you can to avoid strains,’ Dr. Flywell advised. ‘Better still; try not to breathe at all.’
same bed
An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed.
The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.
Disappointed, the man remarked, ""I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years.""
""Could you possibly put them close together?"" the wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, ""How romantic.""
Then the woman finished her request with, ""Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him.
Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?
Patient: When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour.
Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.
supermarkets to sterilise all customers to protect gene pool
In line with new government policy, supermarkets have today agreed to long standing demands to insert contraceptives medicines into all their own-brand produce, in a last ditch attempt to protect the country’s gene pool.
‘We love our customers dearly’, said a spokesman for ASDA, ‘but for the benefit of society, they shouldn’t be allowed to breed.’
Doses of contraceptive medication will be concentrated in the stores’ pizza, crisps and fizzy drinks aisles, in order to prevent the occasional hungry sales rep from being removed from the gene pool by accident when they pop in for a sandwich.
Internet security crisis as civil servant leaves Sir Tim Berners-Lee on train
‘This represents a major security breach,’ said Home Secretary Theresa May, ‘As the inventor of the World Wide Web, Sir Tim knows everything, holds all the passwords, and is the only person able to turn the Internet on and off.’
Sir Tim, who was helping to design a new government data site, was left on the 14:00 from London Waterloo to Portsmouth Harbour. ‘I got off at Hazlemere,’ said Colin Bevins, a shamefaced civil servant, ‘I only realised that I had left Sir Tim on board as the train was pulling out of the station. I chased down the platform but by then it was too late. All I could see was Sir Tim’s confused face looking out of the window as he disappeared into the distance.’
There are real fears that the loss of Sir Tim may mean the eventual closure of the Internet. ‘The whole thing relies on him,’ said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, ‘I have no idea how it works. I did ask him to write down some instructions but he never got round to it.’ Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple, concurred, ‘Without Sir Tim we may have to pull the plug on the whole enterprise. It seems a shame after all that effort but I suppose we will always have books,’ before adding, ‘we do still have books don’t we?’
Traffic diversions to be integrated into national network
Following successful trials of Diverted Traffic routes at a local level, the Department for Transport has given the go-ahead to expand the system into a fully-integrated national network.
‘The problem with localised diversions,’ said a DfT spokesman, ‘is that the Diverted Traffic signs will inevitably peter out, leaving the motorist to drive off aimlessly into the night. But now, the new nationally-integrated network of Diverted Traffic routes will enable motorists to enjoy total continuity and provide a far greater choice between various left, right and straight-on options.’
The DfT has asked motorists for their patience while the infrastructure is put in place. ‘There will of course be disruptions during the placement of cones and configuring of diverted traffic arrows.’
The motoring organisations have welcomed the move. ‘It takes motoring to a new level,’ said a spokesman for the AA, ‘creating an infinite matrix for the flow of diverted traffic. The only limit is your imagination – that and your petrol tank.’
Vanilla pudding
Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2,1999:
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found - only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, ""At least we'll have a bit to eat."" The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a single diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
""IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING
Two starving cannibals
Two starving cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said,
""Oh Dad, there's one.""
""No"", said the father. ""There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait.""
A little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said,
""Hey dad, he's big enough.""
""No"", the father said. ""We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait.""
About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said,
""Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad, let's eat her.""
""No"", said the father. ""Were not going to eat her either.""
""Why not?"" asked the son.
""Because, we're going to take her back alive, and eat your mother"".
best duck joke in the world......ever!
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
""Hang on! You're a duck.""
""I see your eyes are working,"" replies the duck.
""And you can talk!"" Exclaims the barman.
""I see your ears are working too,""
Says the duck.
""Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?""
""Certainly, sorry about that,""
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
""It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?""
""I'm working on the building site across the road,"" Explains the duck.
""I'm a plasterer.""
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a paper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
""You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!""
""Sounds marvelous,""says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
""Get him to give me a call.""
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, ""Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.""
""I'm always looking for the next job,"" Says the duck.""Where is it?""
""At the circus,""
Says the barman.
""The circus?""
Repeats the duck.
""That's right,""
Replies the barman.
""The circus?"" The duck asks again. With the big tent?""
""Yeah,"" the barman replies.
""With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?""says the duck.
""Of course,"" the barman replies.
""And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?"" persists the duck.
""That's right!"" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
.
.
.
.
""What the f.... Would they want with a plasterer??!
new undergarment
The success of the ""Wonder Bra"" for under-endowed women has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women. It's called the ""Sheep Dog Bra."" It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
Bad Accident
The brilliant lawyer F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver
against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a
young man's arm:
""Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?""
Smith asked the plaintiff.
The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level,
his face contorted with apparent pain.
""Thank you,"" said Smith. ""And now, please, will you show us
how high you could lift it before the accident?""
The man's arm shot above his head.
got a vax cylinder hoover says for pet hairs and doesnt get them up so why stated in big letters on it for pet hairs.
took it back and changed it for a dirt devil up right for pet hairs.
Argoss were good and changed it .
oops!!!! some how put this in the wrong place haha
Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ""Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?""
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with ""I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. ""Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, ""Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."" Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, ""Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.""
I got a call from a man who asked, ""Is it possible to see England from Canada?"" I said, ""No."" He said ""But they look so close on the map.""
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ""I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.""
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, ""Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"" I said, ""No, why do you ask?"" She replied, ""Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"" After putting her on hold for a minute while I ""looked into it"" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, ""How do I know which plane to get on?"" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, ""I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.""
A woman called and said, ""I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."" I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, ""Yeah, whatever.""
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. ""Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."" I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ""Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.""
A woman called to make reservations, ""I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York"" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: ""Are you sure that's the name of the town?"" ""Yes, what flights do you have?"" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, ""I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."" The customer retorted, ""Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ""You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"" ""That's it! I knew it was a big animal!
Chinese Dinner
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and
order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the
meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of
the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little
eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her
husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two
little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains
what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you
order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you
Peeking Duck
a man is a womans best friend, he will never stand her up or let her down,
he will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day,
he will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do and enabe her to express her deepest emotions,
on a night out he will make her feel like the most beautiful woman in the room and enable her to be confident, sexy and invincible .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................no wait.....sorry .....got that wrong........................................i was thinking of alcohol !
Smoking Ban to be repealed to ease pensions crisis
Coalition ministers today spoke of ‘early autumn’ for the smoking in public places ban to be reversed. Senior figures are hoping that the expected early deaths of 250000 smokers, both actual and passive, each year will have a positive effect upon the spiralling pensions deficit issue.
Cabinet spokesman Ken Clarke added ‘whilst not confirming these dates in stone, I am happy to announce that by Christmas, we can all have a smoke and a drink together, inside, without catching our death in the doorway of the local public house.â€
Former Lib Dem leader Charles Kennedy who joined Mr Clarke for several sneaky fags by the members entrance, spoke of ‘a new dawn for the persecuted smoker’ as he wandered back into the Kings Arms.
Nick Clegg to repeal second law of thermodynamics
As part of his campaign to abolish bad and unnecessary legislation, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has announced plans to abolish the second law of thermodynamics – the law that states the universal principle of entropy.
‘The British people are sick and tired of things continually breaking down,’ said Mr Clegg, ‘this law stands in the way of progress and it has to go.’ The announcement follows extensive consultation in which the public were invited to nominate the laws that they would most like to see abolished. ‘There was a clear consensus that the universal principle of decay had become a real nuisance,’ said Mr Clegg, before going on to promise what he described as ‘the biggest shake-up to the fundamental laws of physics since the Big Bang.’
Constitutional lawyers are now working alongside physicists to draft a replacement law of thermodynamics to plug the gap between laws one and three.
‘It won’t be easy creating an entirely new law of physics completely from scratch,’ explained government advisor Professor Brian Cox, ‘we tried it back in 1997 when I was a member of D:Ream and we drafted legislation stating that ‘things can only get better’. However, because of the second law of thermodynamics, things inevitably collapsed into a state of war, corruption and economic meltdown.’
The decision to reverse the irreversibility of nature was warmly welcomed by the Prime Minister: ‘The second law dates back to the beginning of time itself,’ said Mr Cameron ‘and is therefore an anachronism. The repeal of this fundamentally regressive legislation will go a long way to help mend Broken Britain.’
Speaking at a press conference the Deputy Prime Minister promised to repeal any other bothersome or abstract laws. ‘Many people have expressed concerns that the law of diminishing return is placing an intolerable constraint on their civil liberties to keep doing the same thing and hoping it would remain just as interesting,’ he said. ‘That way we can keep making these little tweaks to the statute book, and hope that people don’t grow less and less impressed with them.’
Baptizing A Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and
bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome
by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find
Jesus?' 'Yes I am,' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him
and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother
have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls
him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the
water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him
up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you
found Jesus?' The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and
says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?
woody-some
.hahahaha been re reading your jokes ,so make me smile and laugh lol x
Microsoft’s environmental policy slammed as files from recycle bins are found on landfill sites
Environmental groups expressed satisfaction that software giant Microsoft was fined a massive $230 million following an undercover investigation into the handling of items placed in recycling bins, located on millions of computer desktops.
The multi agency investigation, with the aid of computer fraud experts, revealed that photographs, video clips and Word documents were being digitally shipped to the Far East to be printed out and discarded there on massive landfill sites, many near children’s places of work.
Environmental activists have accused Microsoft of arrogance for misleading the public; ‘Users have been placing items diligently in these bins for years thinking they are saving the earth, when in fact the rubbish just gets piled up in a huge dump, it undermines efforts to encourage the public to recycle.’ Microsoft initially refused comment, claiming it to be an industry-accepted practice, but Apple revealed that they diligently separate and recycle all the files; reusing them in other products such as the iPhone and iPod.
Microsoft have since conceded that ‘there has been some breakdown in procedures’ and have announced that the latest updates for windows will see some changes. They will include compliance with the new Environmental Recycling laws, introducing different coloured bins depending on file type. However some critics have blasted this, maintaining that the change in waste bin disposal collection times from weekly to fortnightly, will simply cause discarded documents, pictures and audio files to pile up, and encourage the spread of viruses.’
Self-destruct buttons are ‘a needless risk’
A health and safety watchdog has condemned self-destruct buttons as ‘dangerous and completely pointless’ in a review for the government published this week.
The watchdog concluded that including a self-destruct facility in nuclear power stations, spaceships and secret missile silos seems ‘totally illogical and irresponsible’ and yet the government agencies have continued to install them in all high risk secret projects since the 1950’s. A spokesperson for the watchdog said ‘a self-destruct button only gives added risk and tension and offers no benefits.’
The review was commissioned after an international criminal bent on world domination almost destroyed a secret missile silo by pressing the self destruct button. Luckily disaster was averted by a heroic MI6 agent who managed to disarm the bomb.
The watchdog was also critical of the ‘pointlessly intricate and complicated disarming systems involved with most self-destruct buttons,’ and ‘a complete lack of labelling on the different coloured wires in bombs and other explosive devices.’
A hard copy of the report was not available as the press officer ate all the relevant pages to prevent them falling into enemy hands.
Possible Cause of Mad Cow Disease
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter
seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease,
arranged for an interview with a farmer who may
have some theories on the matter.
The lady reporter: ""I am here to collect information
on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can
you offer any reason for this disease?""
The farmer stared at the reporter and said: ""Do you
know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?""
Reporter (obviously embarrassed): ""Well, sir, that is
a new piece of information.. but what is the relation
between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?""
Farmer: ""And, madam, do you know that we milk a
cow twice a day?""
Reporter: ""Sir, this is really valuable information, but
what about getting to the point?""
Farmer: ""I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine,
if I were to play with your ti/ts twice a day ... and only
scre/wing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?""
The program was never aired.
If you're a Canadian going into the bathroom, and a Canadian coming out of the bathroom, what are you when you're IN the bathroom?
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?
He got stuck in Orbit!
Murdoch sues God over the word ‘sky
Media mogul Rupert Murdoch is engaged in a multi-million dollar legal battle with God over the rights to use the term ‘sky’, claiming that the Almighty’s creation of the same name represents a clear trademark infringement.
‘This second rate deity has obviously stolen the whole idea from BSkyB,’ claimed Mr Murdoch. ‘He’s even taken our distinctive blue logo and is passing it off as His own. It’s a bloody disgrace.’
Lawyers for God claim that He got there first, pointing to documents in the Book of Genesis that establish that their client created the sky on the second day. However, Mr Murdoch contends that, while this may be true, God failed to secure a worldwide patent on the design or bothered to trademark the name.
Lawyers for Mr Murdoch argue that customers could easily confuse his and God’s products – both are vast in scope, essentially blue and run by an omnipotent being with a reputation for wrath and vengeance.
Sky say that their case is also supported by consumer research which shows that a majority of the public believes that the heavens and the Earth are controlled by Rupert Murdoch, while God is a power-mad egomaniac responsible for an endless stream of sensational stories about sex and death.
Speaking at a press conference Mr Murdoch said: ‘This God bloke should give up now before I take Him for everything that He’s got. He might be merciful but I’m bloody well not.’
This is not the first time either Mr Murdoch or God has been accused of improper practice. Both have previously faced charges of nepotism after giving their sons top jobs in the family business, though each later admitted that the move didn’t turn out quite as well as they had hoped.
Last night's NHS postcode lottery draw.
Hello and welcome to lottery HQ where yesterday evening we held the draw for the latest NHS Postcode Lottery with an estimated rollover prize fund of nearly £900.
The big money balls were released by Health Secretary Andrew Lansley and the draw was overseen by independent adjudicator, Chancellor George Osborne. The machine was Guinevere and we used set of balls number three.
And here are the results: I, P, 3, 5, 2, S. The bonus ball was P.
Early indications suggest there are five lucky winners, each scooping a hip replacement, sinus wash, dentures and a three-month course of chemo. Congratulations!
And if you were hoping your number would come up but it didn’t, don’t worry. You can always enter the Euromillions draw and win an all-expenses-paid trip to the Dignitas clinic in Switzerland.
poker night
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar
voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
'We need a fourth for poker,' said the friend.
'I'll be right over,' whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked,
'Is it serious?'
'Oh yes, quite serious,' said the doctor gravely.
'In fact, there are three doctors there already!'
golf date
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods had met in the country club bar and were having a libation before dinner..
Tiger turns to Stevie and asked, ""How's the singing career going?""
Stevie replies, ""Not too bad...
How's the golf?""
Woods replied, ""Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now"".
Stevie remarks, ""I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.""
Tiger says a bit incredulously, ""You play golf?""
Stevie says, ""Yes, I've been playing for! years"" .
Tiger says, ""But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?""
Stevie Wonder replies, ""I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the
fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the
ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy
moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.""
""But, how do you putt?"" asks Tiger.
""Well"", says Stevie, ""I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball
towards his voice.""
Tiger asks, ""What's your handicap?""
Stevie says, ""Well, I'm a scratch golfer.""
Woods is amazed and says to Stevie, ""We've got to play a round
sometime.""
Wonder replies, ""Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole"".
Woods thinks about it and says, ! ""OK, I'm game for that, - when would you like to play?""
Stevie replies, ""Pick a night
Engineers in Chile have begun drilling the 700-metre tunnel that will enable 33 trapped miners to receive a copy of Tony Blair’s newly-published memoir, A Journey.
Up to now, relatives have only been able to use a tiny ventilation shaft to send the men messages of hope, antidepressant tablets and signed photographs of Jack Straw and Harriet Harman. ‘But this is the news we were hoping for,’ said the wife of one miner. ‘At last my husband will be able to read what really happened that night at Granita.’
The news that a hardback copy of the memoirs could be lowered down a newly-drilled 18-cm wide shaft by November was greeted by the miners with cheers and a rousing rendition of the Chilean national anthem. ‘When we heard that it could take until Christmas to rescue us, our first thought was “Madre de Dios, when will we find out the true story behind the rise and fall of New Labour?â€â€˜, said Victor Segovia, 48. He reported that conditions in the collapsed copper mine are ‘suffocating and hellish’, with dwindling supplies of food and water and only Peter Mandelson’s side of the story to go on.
Government to keep NHS Direct in a shed in case real NHS stops working
The Coalition government has announced that axed medical helpline NHS Direct will not be scrapped completely, but kept in a shed in case the real NHS stops working.
Health Secretary Andrew Lansley confirmed that a deal had been struck with the Treasury to turn off NHS Direct’s funding but to keep it in a big cardboard box ‘just in case’.
‘We initially thought we might sell it on eBay, perhaps to America,’ Mr Lansley said. ‘But then we noticed that the proper NHS is started to look a bit knackered, and there are quite a few cracks and cuts when you look closely.’
The idea to mothball NHS Direct for spare parts or emergencies was ‘very sensible’, he said. ’My wife told me to just get rid of it, but I’m the minister and in my view you can’t be too careful, which is why we’re keeping NHS Direct in the shed out the back at Downing Street just in case the real one breaks down. Or gets broken up.’
controversially NHS myxomatosis wards to be scrapped
The Department for Health have announced that all myxomatosis wards, in which patients have to share their bed with a diseased rabbit, are to be scrapped.
‘This sort of thing has been going on for far too long,’ said Health Secretary Andrew Lansley. ‘Nobody wants the indignity of being stuck in a ward full of blind, sick bunnies.’
Myxamatosis wards date back to the 1970s when it was commonplace for rabbits to be brought into hospital to cheer up the patients by hopping gaily about the place. However, before long, the rabbits became ill and began taking up much needed bed space.
‘We couldn’t give over a whole bed to a single rabbit,’ said one matron, ‘that would just be ridiculous. So we made them share with the human patients. It seemed like a good idea at the time and some of them went on to form lasting relationships.’
The government have now promised to move the rabbits on to new wards. ‘Of course we are still committed to providing proper health care to Flopsy, Mopsy and Cotton-tail,’ said Mr Lansley. ‘Just don’t tell them they’ll now have to share with the weasels.’
A proposed council tax-evaluation policy will mean reassessment of current house values which will mean they will charge us more if we live in a nice area.
That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.
There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked.
Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, but nothing has been proved.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. It is not known if they have the same father. They are out of control.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''
The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''
The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.
A blonde fellow is driving along the road when he
sees a sign on a plot of land that reads
""40 acres for sale"" and lists a phone number and in
big bold letters the words ""WILL DIVIDE.""
The man had been considering buying a bit of land
for investment purposes. So he calls the number and
when a lady picks up, he asks her,
""Is Mr. Divide in?
how to end up in the dog house
My wife has not spoken to me in three days.
I think it has something to do with what
happened on Sunday night when she thought
she heard a noise downstairs. She nudged me
and whispered, ""Wake up, wake up!""
""What is the matter?"" I asked.
""There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they
are eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.""
""That will teach them!"" I replied.
Lol!!!! Thanks Woody - and the other jokesters too!
You may have heard this before, guess it's pretty awful, but here goes
Jesus and satan are both computer programmers. Satan keeps taunting Jesus, saying that he is the better programmer. When Jesus does not rise to the bait, satan decides to challenge Jesus to a competition, with God as the judge.
After several hours of furious typing, there is a huge power surge, shutting both computers down. After some time, the computers are back up and running, and God announces that the competition is over.
Satan is the first to be called to show his work, but unfortunately has nothing to show due to the power cut.
When Jesus is called, he shows God pages and pages of his work, perfectly restored.
Satan is gobsmacked. ""How is this possible?"" he stammers.
God replies, quite simply, ""Jesus saves.""
I do apologise, I am aware that the punchline is pretty telegraphed! But i did like it when the Vicar began his sermon with it on Sunday
Digital evangelist to burn pile of Amazon Kindles
A digital evangelical group in Florida have been condemned after announcing that they intend to burn a huge pile of Amazon Kindles on Saturday, the six-month anniversary of the launch of the iPad.
Pastor Terry Jobs, leader of the Holy Insufferable iPad Outreach Center in Gainesville, insisted that the move was ‘a way to stand up to greyscale eInk displays and 2 GB moviNAND flash storage’. The digital church, which has around fifty members, is notoriously intolerant of what it terms ‘pagan’ operating systems of belief.
But world opinion was against the move, with the Pakistani president Asif Ali Zardari warning that the Kindle burning could incite anti-Apple sentiment across the Microsoft world. ‘It is an offence in the eyes of the Linux penguin,’ he said. ‘Their technology may be stylish but we have greater backwards compatibility on our side, insha’android.’
New iPod Shuffle designed to be inserted anally
Apple enthusiasts faced long queues last night to get their hands on the latest version of the I-pod shuffle, which is designed to be inserted deep into the buyer’s anus with a specially designed white probe.
Launching the product, Apple CEO Steve jobs surprised the audience after walking on stage with the tell-tale white headphone cord clearly disappearing into his rectum. He then demonstrated how users could change tracks and adjust volume by clenching or flexing their buttocks in a series of easy-to-learn moves. ‘Just tense the right buttock for volume, and left to change the track’ he explained, his eyes watering slightly. ‘Staff at your local Apple Store will be happy to insert the product for you and provide any necessary aftercare. Once inserted, the device need never be removed – you can plug in the headphones or charger with only moderate discomfort.’
Apple stores up and down the country were packed with eager buyers, with the lucky few ambling out again with the telltale wider gait which has already been nicknamed the I-pod ‘shuffle’.
One early user complained that the controls on the new product made jogging with the device impossible. ‘Every time I took a step the track changed’ he complained. In response an Apple spokesman confirmed that users may need to adopt a wider stance while walking, running or sitting to avoid this.
Other reviews criticised the new product’s sharp edges and tendency to cause anal bleeding. But one veteran critic was unsurprised, claimed that Apple’s products ‘had always been a bleeding pain in the arse’.
Non-emergency phone line ‘inundated’ by time-wasting emergency calls
The new 111 non-emergency advice line has been subjected to a litany of ‘time-wasting’ emergency calls including a heart attack, a stroke and a road traffic accident.
Police have already been asked to intervene following a number of calls including one man who rang up to say that he was suffering a cardiac arrest. ‘This man should be thoroughly ashamed of himself,’ said junior Health minister Paul Burstow. ‘His heart attack could be blocking a much less important call from someone with a grazed knee or a bit of a headache.’
‘It’s awful,’ said one operator. ‘I expected to deal with people with bunions or lumbago but my first call came from a woman at the scene of a 17-car pile-up on the M62. We have to take each call seriously in case it is a genuine non-emergency, but it became increasingly clear, as she described the bloody carnage before her, that she was wasting my time. In the end I gave her the details of a 24-hour chemist and hung up.’
Recordings of some of the most outrageous calls have now been released to the media in an attempt to ‘name and shame’ the culprits. One call involved a barely comprehensible pensioner who claimed to have fallen over after suffering a stroke. ‘The 111 operators should not have to put up with this kind of thing,’ said a furious Mr Burstow. ‘When we track this person down they will have an awful lot of explaining to do.’
Police are understood to have already visited the homes of a number of these bogus callers, although so far nobody has bothered to answer the door.
Patients say that they are becoming increasingly confused about which telephone line to call. ‘I recently suffered a brain haemorrhage,’ said one, ‘but then I couldn’t decide whether to call 999, 111 or NHS Direct. Finally, I gave up trying to choose and rang for a pizza instead.’
If you want more time, concentrate.
When anyone says 'theoretically', they really mean 'not
really'.
Winter is cruel: It makes women wear so much clothing.
I suspected I was schizophrenic, but recently I self-diagnosed
myself as telepathic.
The ""c"" in ""rap"" is silent.
We grow stronger by accepting our weakness.
A pessimist is a man who feels that all women are bad;
an optimist hopes so...
You know you're getting older when your boss is younger
than you are.
If you're trying to be different, join the club.
I was watching a chicken cross the road. It was poultry
in motion.
Sometimes it's smart to play dumb.
The irony of retirement: When you get up in the morning,
you're already at work.
Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until he
starts to work.
I decided to have a child but only to grow my audience.
Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns most men into
morons.
What's good for you depends on who sponsors the study.
The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK government's youth opportunity scheme and employ young people from Liverpool.
The decision to hire them was brought about after a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high-tech equipment.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was a bold move by Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for.
At the crews first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 60 seconds they had resprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the Mclaren team for 8 bottles of Stella; a kilo of speed, and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
To be 6 again!
To Be 6 Again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you f~~king retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
I'll drink to that last sentence there, woody.
Surgeon and Librarian""
A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed
from the library. The librarian quips after checking
the books.
""Sir your books are always returned with the last
page missing in every single book.""
The surgeon replies, ""I can't stop myself from
removing an appendix when ever I see one.
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.â€
“Sirâ€, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?â€
“You’re darn right it is!†replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!â€
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one,
began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What
did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
""Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking.
Ha ha ha. Good one. Keep it up.
Choice Cuts
Our man was walking down a dark alley when
suddenly a mugger jumped at him.
""Your money or your life"" the mugger barked.
""You mean I have a choice?!!"" said our man. ""Here
take this....""
He pulled out his wallet and gave it to the mugger.
""And this...usually this is secret money"". He removed
his cap and flipped it around and there! Some more
money!
""Wait! Here is my card. Feel free to contact me
whenever you have a cash crunch!""
The mugger left confused and dazed.
""Such a nice fellow!"" sobbed our man. ""He gave me
a choice. At home I have no choice.... my wife takes
them both!
Actual writings on Hospital Charts
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Skin: somewhat pall, but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room·
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Self bump to keep it going! Bump Bump Bump!
Re: Woody's last post. I've heard similar for real on audio tapes when typing clinic letters to GP. Ha ha.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,'
says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off
the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom,
killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE....
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of
which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus
parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
After having trouble with my computer I rang IT support for help.....
'Have you disabled your cookies', they said......
'Well I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man', I replied.....
My partner uses a wheelchair and almost fell out laughing at that one!
Glad you liked it
Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey - he's always stuffed !
The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. ""I'm ashamed to bring this up,"" he said, ""but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample.""
The woman was shocked. ""Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.""
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, ""He's a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it's not a big deal... just a sample.""
She thought a minute. ""A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don't give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.
Drunk Arrest
A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him,
""You have the right to remain silent. Anything you
say can and will be held against you.""
The drunk replies, ""Boobs.
MAN RULES
(At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down)
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "" the rules""
From the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered ""1 ""
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1.. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say, during commercials. .
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ""nothing,"" We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Hockey.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.
Self Bump !!!
Telemarketers can be so annoying. Here are some ways to rid your life of them for good...
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, ""How are you today?"" say, ""I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My trick knee is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my toe nail is infected..... ""
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: ""Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. "" You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, ""What are you wearing?""
5. Cry out in surprise, ""Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?"" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say ""No"" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If a phone company calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, ""I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?""
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: ""Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?""
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, ""OH MY GOD!"" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, ""I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, ""Me either!"" and proceed to hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on ""home incarceration"" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, ""Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes.""
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. ""Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?""
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's clinic.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said ""I'm so sorry, your duck 'Cuddles' has passed away.""
The distressed owner wailed, ""Are you sure?""
""Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,"" he replied.
""How can you be so sure,"" she protested. ""I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.""
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out of the room and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the duck from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, ""I'm sorry but, as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.""
The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. ""£150!"" she cried. ""£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!""
The vet just shrugged and said, ""I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it in the first place the bill would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now £150"".
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my bits and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.""Impossible!"" says the doctor. ""Show me."" The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, ""You're not really a redhead, are you?"" Well, no"" she said, ""I'm actually a blonde."" ""I thought so,"" the doctor said. ""Your finger is broken.
Little Johnny
A high school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word ""fascinate"" in a sentence.
Molly said, ""My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating.""
The teacher said, ""That was good, but I wanted you to use the word, ""fascinate"".
Sally raised her hand. She said, ""My family went to See Rock City and I was fascinated.""
The teacher said, ""Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word, ""fascinate"".
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word, ""fascinate"", so she called on him.
Johnny said, ""My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big, she could only, ""fasten eight.
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side. When I
got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got home was to
take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldnt possibly wear them, as they were too large. I said to her Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day we have never had a single problem.
Jack took his fathers advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone
after the wedding he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and
handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said I
cant wear these, theyre far too large for me. Exactly Jack replied I
wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I dont want you to
ever forget that.
Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. Try these on
Jack she said, so he tried them but they were too small. I cant get into
your knickers said Jack. Exactly said Jill, and if you dont change your mind
you never will !!!!
Bloke takes his wife to the docs, shes got no teeth, a broken nose and broken fingers.
The Doctor asks ""whats happened to your wife""
The man replies ""shes been going through the change""
The Doctor says ""that doesnt happen when you go through the change""
Man says ""It does when its in my blinking pockets mate!!!!
A teacher divided a class into two groups and them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of women and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.The group of men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:*No one but their creator understands their internal logic.*The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.*Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.*As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your earnings on accessories for it.The group of women, on the other hand, decided that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:*In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.*They have a lot of data but are still clueless.*They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.*As soon as you commit to one, you realise that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.I'll leave you all to decide on the sex of your comps :lol:
A teacher divided a class into two groups and them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of women and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.The group of men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:*No one but their creator understands their internal logic.*The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.*Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.*As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your earnings on accessories for it.The group of women, on the other hand, decided that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:*In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.*They have a lot of data but are still clueless.*They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.*As soon as you commit to one, you realise that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.I'll leave you all to decide on the sex of your comps :lol:
The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, ""Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.""
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, ""How about going to church with me and receive blessings?""
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, ""Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?""
This time, a little voice came out of the box, ""I heard you the first f*****g time! I'm putting my shoes on
I got a letter today from the Origami society.......but I dont know what to make of it ..........
I got a letter today from the Origami society.......but I dont know what to make of it ..........
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
""Hello,"" said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. ""My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator."" Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. ""No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first.""
""Gates, Bill."" Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. ""What's going on here?"" asked Bill. ""Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?""
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. ""It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?""
""Yes.""
""Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"" ""I guess not.""
""You guess right.""
So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions."" Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. ""Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment.""
""Job assignment?""
""Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!"" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. ""Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham."" Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. ""No, he's not *that* Abraham."" Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
""Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure,"" explained Abraham. ""As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries.""
""I had to wait *three* weeks,"" said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. ""Well,"" Bill offered, ""maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up.""
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. ""Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works.""
Bill could barely contain his excitement. ""Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!""
""We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?""
""You bet!""
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. ""What about PCs???"" he exclaimed. ""What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???""
""You're forgetting something,"" said Abraham.
""What's that?"" asked Bill plaintively.
""This is Heaven,"" explained Abraham. ""We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ....
Daddy, how was I born ? Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic
Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)
A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully said each word right up to the end...""And lead us not into temptation"", she prayed, ""but deliver us some e-mail, Amen.
The model for NHS reforms, under which consumers of the service will be given more control is to be extended to the Ministry of Defence, the government announced today.
From as early as 2013 countries in need of liberty, freedom and democracy will no longer have these changes delivered by an invading force. Instead they will be provided with the finance needed to purchase liberation services from whatever source provides the best value.
“We believe that providing choice for the people actually benefiting from these services is the right way forward,†said General Sir Huge Witting-Fernleystall, “introducing a competitive element into the procurement of invasions is the right solution at the right time.â€
“From this summer applicants who which to apply for a British invasion will be able to log on to a dedicated website,†he continued. “Assuming their oppressive regime lets them visit it, ha ha.â€
Colonel Gaddafi has called on Nick Clegg to put an end to the bitter in-fighting by standing down. He says that although Clegg came to power in an initial rush of revolutionary zeal after the overthrow of the hated Gordon Brown, his erstwhile supporters have all abandoned him and he is now only kept in power by a bunch of mercenaries reportedly from Cameroon known on the streets of Westminster as The Tory Boys.
‘Lieutenant Clegg has clearly lost any legitimacy he once had and his attempts to tamper with the voting system show he clearly fears the righteous anger of the electorate,’ declared Gaddafi from a bunker in Shiffelt Hal’am. ‘The savage cuts to public bodies, brazen corruption of the political system and the excessive wealth and power wielded by the Bankir tribe have left the people of Britain disillusioned and angry.’
Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog!!
A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer were discussing whose profession was the oldest.
The doctor said 'God created Eve by taking a rib from Adam. That's surgery, so my profession is oldest.'
The engineer replied 'Ah, but you're forgetting that before God created mankind, he created the world, bringing order from chaos, meaning my profession is actually the oldest.'
The lawyer said, 'Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?'
A convict escaped from prison by digging a tunnel. It came up outside the prison in a school playground. The convict was so happy when he emerged from the tunnel he exclaimed I'm free, I'm free
On the glass door of the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF THE DOG!. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor next to the cash register. He asked the storekeeper, ""Is that the dog we are supposed to beware of?""
""Yep, that's him,"" he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but laugh. ""It certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world do you need that sign?""
""Because,"" the storekeeper replied, ""before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said"" ""Why are all the blinds drawn?""
The doctor answered: ""There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure.
17 Rules Between Men and Women
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any given time..
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks ackbone, and is a wimp.
16. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5
GET THE RIGHT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE...
What A Report Card!
After the close of term, Jake went home for the
holidays. On getting home, his dad said, ""Let me
see your report card. You better have passed this
time around.""
""Sorry dad"", replied Jake. ""It's not with me, I lent it
out to a friend.""
""What does your friend want it for?"" asked his dad,
""To scare his parents senseless!
keep them coming everyone a real good laugh when you dont feel to happy !!!!
a true story which is funny
when i was in year 10 at school we were given a questionnaire to fill in one day in class. It just happened to be biology. Everyone filled it in and we all thought it was for biology. Untill one day some people were called to the school nurse.
One of these people was a boy and we all wondered why he had been called in. We found out later that this boy had filled in not just the male section but the female one as well and had put that he had regular but painful periods.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.â€
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.â€
Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?â€
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.â€
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.â€
Very old shaggy dog story brought to mind by the elephants on the 'finish the sentence' thread
How to catch a white elephant.
Down by the banks of the great grey green greasy Limpopo river there are 2 types of elephants, black elephants and white elephants. We need to catch an elephant, but any idiot can catch a black elephant, so we want to catch a white elephant. All you need is a currant bun, a piece of string, a tall tree and a lot of patience. Here's how it works.
Day 1: Go down to the banks of the river and climb the tallest tree you can find, taking your string and your current bun with you. Wait patiently and the elephants arrive. Examine the elephants to see if there are any white ones. No. Only black ones. Do nothing because any idiot can catch a black elephant.
Day 2: Go down to the banks of the river and climb your tree, taking your string and your current bun with you. Wait patiently and the elephants arrive. Examine the elephants to see if there are any white ones. No. Only black ones. Do nothing because any idiot can catch a black elephant
Day 3: Try a different place on the bank of the river and climb the tallest tree you can find there, again taking your string and your current bun with you. Wait patiently and the elephants arrive. Examine the elephants to see if there are any white ones. No. Only black ones. Do nothing because any idiot can catch a black elephant.
Day 4: Go back down to the banks of the river and climb your tree, still taking your string and your current bun with you. Wait patiently and the elephants arrive. Examine the elephants to see if there are any white ones. No. Only black ones. Do nothing because any idiot can catch a black elephant.
But wait. There, just coming into view, is a white elephant. Don't get too excited and act too soon, because you'll only get a black elephant and any idiot can catch a black elephant.
If you're patient, the white elephant will wander past your tree. At this point, you tie your current bun to your string and dangle it in front of the white elephant, who thinks 'current bun - my favourite' and reaches out its trunk to grab the bun. You jerk the string and the bun is lifted out of the white elephant's reach. Repeat this several times, until the white elephant is REALLY narked. It will come closer to the tree and reach up trying to get the bun, which you continue to dangle just out of reach. The elephant goes pink with anger (can you see where we're going with this?) but you ignore that and tease it a bit more. You're nearly there, because the elephant now turns red with rage. It stamps its feet and thrashes some branches about but you ignore its tantrums and tease it some more. Finally, the elephant turns black with fury and (all together, now)
ANY IDIOT CAN CATCH A BLACK ELEPHANT
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct
slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and
jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs
such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no
longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried
running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from ""Run"" to ""Hide."" The only two higher levels in France are Collaborate"" and ""Surrender."" The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from ""Miffed"" to ""Peeved."" Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to ""Irritated"" or even ""A Bit Cross."" The English have not been ""A Bit Cross"" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from Tiresome"" to ""A Bloody Nuisance."" The last time the British issued a ""Bloody Nuisance"" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from ""Pissed Off"" to ""Let's get the Bastards."" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Italy has increased the alert level from ""Shout Loudly and Excitedly"" to ""Elaborate Military Posturing."" Two more levels remain: ""Ineffective Combat Operations"" and ""Change Sides.""
The Germans have increased their alert state from ""Disdainful Arrogance"" to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."" They also have two higher levels:""Invade a Neighbour"" and ""Lose.""
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from ""No worries"" to ""She'll be alright, Mate."" Two more escalation levels remain: ""Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!"" and ""The barbie is canceled."" So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Author:
John Cleese
British writer, actor and tall person
(I hope this doesn't count as racism - I figured that since it has a pop at everyone (including us Brits) it would either offend nobody or everybody)
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Flying Low""
The photographer for a national magazine was
assigned to get photos of a great forest fire.
Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any
good shots, so he frantically called his home
office to hire a plane.
""It will be waiting for you at the airport!"" he was
assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure
enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.
He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, ""Let's
go! Let's go!"" The pilot swung the plane into the
wind and soon they were in the air.
""Fly over the north side of the fire,"" said the
photographer, ""and make three or four low level
passes.""
""Why?"" asked the pilot.
""Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a
photographer, and photographers take pictures!""
said the photographer with great exasperation
and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, ""You mean you're
What sort of cheese can you use if you want a bear to follow you?
Camembert
(come on bear)
The only thing that governments haven't taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective July 4th, 2011..., the penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12"" Luxury Tax £30.00
8 - 10"" Pole Tax £25.00
5 - 8"" Privilege Tax £15.00
4 - 5"" Nuisance Tax £3.00
Males exceeding 12"" must file under capital gains.
Anyone with less than 4"" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!
Is There a Doctor in the House?""
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in
the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly
piled up in all directions while a woman rushed
to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his
collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed
her aside, and said, ""It's all right honey, I've had
a course in first aid.""
The woman stood up and watched as he took
the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer
artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and
said, ""When you get to the part about calling a
doctor, I'm already here.
The Surgeons' Coffee Break""
5 surgeons are taking a coffee break:
1st surgeon says, ""Accountants are the best to
operate on because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered.""
2nd surgeon says, ""Nah, librarians are the best.
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.""
5th surgeon says, ""I like engineers ... they always
understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end.
Computerized plane!
The world`s first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.
The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.
""Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,"" a computer voice intoned.
""Welcome to the debut of the world`s first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong....
An engineer who'd led a long, happy and blameless life died and, naturally, went up to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter asked for his name, looked on a list, shuffled about a few papers, shuffled a few more and said 'Umm, there seems to have been some kind of mistake - your name isn't on my list for entry, so I'm afraid you won't be able to come in - you'll have to go to the Other Place. I'm very sorry about this but rules are rules, and if you're not in the system there's nothing I can do.'
The engineer wasn't happy of course but he was a peacable and philosophical kind of guy so didn't start arguing or demanding to see the boss, but trudged off to Hell.
When he got there, he looked around and, being an engineer, thought 'What a shambles! I'd never let anywhere I was in charge of get like this - far too hot, and none of the 'facilities' working properly. If I'm going to be here for eternity, I want to fix some of this.'
So he fixed things, and put in a swimming pool and a bar and various other things. Old Nick was pretty happy as he had to live there too with all the broken stuff and had been letting things slide - he asked the engineer to fix some other things and Hell started getting a lot better.
Then God called down, saying, 'Look, Nick, I've just heard about the administrative error that got that engineer sent down to you. Now it's pretty embarrassing for us I know, but you need to send him back up to us - he's a good guy, went to church, gave to charity, never cheated, nice to small fluffy animals - he shouldn't be with you at all.'
Old Nick said, 'Yeah, not happening mate, sorry. He's brilliant - you should see this place! He even fixed the aircon in my quarters and though IT isn't really his thing, he got the printer to work after my demons got bored of possessing it and went off to a fancy new copier/printer in some big publishers' office.'
God said, 'I mean it Nick. Give him back or I'll be forced to take action.'
Old Nick said, 'Sorry, no can do - not happening.'
God said, 'I'll sue.'
Old Nick said, 'Oh really, you'll sue? And where exactly do you think you're going to find a lawyer up there?'
PARAPROSDOKIANS
I had to look up paraprosdokian.
Here is the definition: ""It is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part."" Paraprosdokians are frequently used in a humorous situation. ""Where there's a will, I want to be in it,"" is a type of paraprosdokian.
Ok, so now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station!
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Words of Wisdom
""The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ah FeeJay I love these, you made me laugh out loud on a train (and I didn't even start coughing - result!)
Thanks for posting them. Unfortunately I can't think of any jokes right now except lawyer jokes. All my jokes seem to be lawyer jokes...
A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's clinic.As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said ""I'm so sorry, your duck 'Cuddles' has passed away.""The distressed owner wailed, ""Are you sure?"" ""Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,"" he replied. ""How can you be so sure,"" she protested. ""I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."" The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out of the room and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the duck from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, ""I'm sorry but, as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."" The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. ""£150!"" she cried. ""£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"" The vet just shrugged and said, ""I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it in the first place the bill would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now £150"".
A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's clinic.As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said ""I'm so sorry, your duck 'Cuddles' has passed away.""The distressed owner wailed, ""Are you sure?"" ""Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,"" he replied. ""How can you be so sure,"" she protested. ""I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."" The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out of the room and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the duck from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, ""I'm sorry but, as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."" The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. ""£150!"" she cried. ""£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"" The vet just shrugged and said, ""I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it in the first place the bill would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now £150"".
25 Signs You Have Grown Up...
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of ""hook up"" and ""break up.""
8 You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ""dressed up.""
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A £4.00 bottle of wine is no longer ""pretty good sh*t.""
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. ""I just can't drink the way I used to"" replaces ""I'm never going to drink that much again.""
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking ""Oh sh*t what the hell happened?
Oh dear, thanks for that Woody-Som, I can relate to a number .... hmm no actually ALL of those!!!
Woody-som you make me laugh x
This is from an actual trial in the UK.
A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more, she filed a court case on him.
In the court the man's defense was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement,
Which read 'Coming Soon - The unknown boon'..
I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving cream advertisement, which read:
'William's stick did the trick'..
Then I could not control myself any longer, when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read:
'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident'..
*
*
*
The case was dismissed. The judge fell off his chair laughing..!
Man Vs. Beast""
A man walked into his backyard in a residential
neighborhood one morning. He saw a 600 pound
Gorilla sitting in his tree.
He telephoned an emergency Gorilla Removal
Service, and shortly a technician arrived with a
stick, a pair of hand cuffs, a tiny Chihuahua, and
a shotgun.
""Now listen carefully,"" he told the homeowner. ""I
am going to climb the tree, and poke the Gorilla
with this stick, until he falls to the ground. My trained
Chihuahua will go right for the Gorilla's testicles, and
when the Gorilla instinctively crosses his hands over
his testicles to protect himself, you slap on the hand
cuffs without delay.""
"" OK...got it,"" the homeowner replied. ""But what is
the shotgun for?""
Said the technician....""If I should fall out of the tree
before the Gorilla......SHOOT the Chihuahua!
Shopping at Wal-Mart""
A husband and wife are shopping in their local
Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of
Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.
â€What do you think you're doing?†asks the wife.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,†he replies.
“Put them back, we can't afford them,†demands
the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up
a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping
cart.
“What do you think you're doing?†asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,â€
replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser
and it's half the price!
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a
beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, ""You
know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on
your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question
though, why is your head so small?""
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this
question many times.
""One day,"" he begins, ""I was hunting when I got lost in
the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally
realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to
a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, ""Kiss me.
Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3
wishes.""
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave
the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful,
voluptuous, naked woman. She said, ""You now have
3 wishes.""
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said,
""I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger in his prime.""
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was,
so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing
there naked!
She then asked, ""What will be your second wish?"" I looked
hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ""I want to make
sensuous love with you here by this stream.""
She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then
made love for hours!
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from
our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ""You
know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?""
I looked at her and replied, ""How about a little head?
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the
laboratory where he had been born and brought up.
As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound,
he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn
breaking for the first time in his life.
""Wow, this is great,"" he thought. It wasn't long before
he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he
saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all
free and nibbling at the lush grass.
""Hey,"" he called. ""I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and
I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?""
""Yes. Come and join us,"" they cried. Our friend hopped
over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so
good. ""What else do you wild rabbits do?"" he asked.
""Well,"" one of them said. ""You see that field there? It's
got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.""
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating
the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later,
he asked them again, ""What else do you do?""
""You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We
eat that as well."" The lettuce tasted just as good and he
returned a while later completely full.
""It's fantastic out here in the world!"" he told them.
""So, are you going to live with us then?"" one of them
asked.
""I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."" The wild rabbits
all stared at him, a bit surprised. ""Why? We thought you
liked it here.""
""I do,"" our friend replied. ""But I must get back to the lab.
I'm dying for a cigarette.
Charity
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was
horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a
lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm
out of the house, her husband stopped her and said,
""Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.""
The wife stopped to listen. He continued, ""I was driving
along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking
very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She
was also hungry, so I brought her home and made
her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which
you didn't like. She was wearing some very worn sandals,
so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded
simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so
I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday -
the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit
you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours
that were perfectly good, but much too small for you
now.""
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this,
but still needed just one question to be answered. ""That's
all fine and good,"" she said, ""but why did I find you both
in our bed with NO clothes on?""
The husband replied, ""Well, that's simple... see, as she was
about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked,
""Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?
love it Woody-som
needed a good laugh x
the most childish joke of them all...the must have penguin wrapers!!
what do you call a man standing in a bush...
RUSSLE!!!
*clap* tada!!
Bump up !!!
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.
That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.
At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'
Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'
The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'
'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'
Bump up !!!
Paddy met Mick in the street and said, 'Paddy, in futureyou should draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife !'
'Why?' Paddy asked.
'Because,' said Mick, 'all the street was sniggering when they saw you two making love yesterday.'
Mick said, 'Nosey buggers, well then, the laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday.'
What Not To Say On A Date
There are a LOT of ways to ruin a date. Here are
a few things NOT to say on a date...
* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but
I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not
good to mix alcohol and penicillin.
* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs
on you.
* People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it
wouldn't hurt to consider it.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he
doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine
every hour.
* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years.
Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like
you a second look.
* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity
belching contest.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that
most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of
vodka. The bartender says, ""Six shots?! What's
wrong?""
""I found out my older brother is gay,"" replied
the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again
and asked for six shots of vodka.
""What now?"" asked the bartender.
""I found out my younger brother is gay,"" replied
Although this isn't a joke I couldn't find anywhere else appropriate to Post and I thought I'd share the laugh!
My grandad told me yesterday the postal system is far to expensive (old people old opinions !) that I should hand deliver my cards this christmas I assures him most of mine where but I had to post a few like to a friend who lives in the middle of nowhere (I can't get there often )
The other one I explained to him was up north I explained it would be a seven and a half hour round trip to deliver a card and say hi Ect
His reply was well u can take her one from me and one from your mother whilst your there !
I remain firm three first class stamps in cheaper than the petrol I'd need !!
Off to the post box .....
*edit : by old I mean 80+ stubborn and set in ways (saves all his laundry for Monday's)
First Xmas after we were married, thought it would be a nice touch to deliver our cards in person. Used a lot of petrol plus were met with some puzzled looks from the relatives. Some were smashing and invited us in for a cuppa but others were a bit er..um..why? Next year we just did the nicest relatives and skipped the rest. Third year, baby on the way, bought stamps and have done ever since. In fact, bought so many xmas stamps last year that didn't have to buy any this year. Lol
A Lady On Phone:
""Hellow Minesh? Sir, I want To Meet & Talk To You.
You Are The Father Of One Of My Kids.""
Stunned and shocked Man screamed:
""Oh my God! I am married and so careful with modern prevention tactics and how could this happen to you? You can ruin me""
On a bright sunny morning the lion awoke feeling hung-over, really rowdy and rather mean. He went roaring out of his den an cornering a small monkey, roared,
""Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?""
The trembling monkey says, ""You are, mighty lion! Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,.... ""Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?""
The terrified ox stammers, ""Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle! ""
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, ""Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?""
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by an over-loaded safari wagon.
The elephant then stomped on the poor lion till it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away.
The lion let out a low slow moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
""Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so damned upset about it!
A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?
Child: She is not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?
Child: My sister
Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?
Child: I guess so.
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then:
Child: Hello?
Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.
Lol Chris
They're great
Paddy goes to America, walking up 5th Avenue he sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck on the 4th floor at the windows.
He shouts up, I'm Paddy John Dara O'Neil, an Irish rugby player, jump and I'll catch you.
A girl jumps and he catches her, a guy jumps and Paddy gets him too. Then the black guy jumps and Paddy lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up, come on now folks, don't f**k about, there's no point throwing the burnt ones.
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.Â
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as wellÂ
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?Â
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'Â
He answers, ""Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to shit yourself when I tell you the price!
A man breaks into a house in the middle of the night. He shines his torch round the living room to see if anything is worth stealing. As he goes to unplug the television set a croaky voice says ""Jesus is watching you!"" He flashed his torch round the room once more to see who was talking to him. No one was there so he thinks maybe it was in his mind. As he touched the television again the voice once more said ""Jesus is watching you!"" He decided to have a closer look and as he flashed the torch he realised that in the corner of the room there was a parrot on a stand. He breathed a sigh of relief and went up to the parrot and said ""Hello there you scared me for a nasty moment. What's your name?"" The parrot looked at him and said ""Moses"" The man said ""What sort of family would call a parrot Moses?"" The parrot looked at him with a look of pity in his eyes and said ""The sort to call the Rotweiller Jesus!""
boom boom!!!
A woman loses both ears in an accident. A plastic
surgeon she consults tells her that ear transplants
are still in the testing stage, but he will do what he
can. The woman undergoes the operation, and
after a time she returns to the surgeon's office to
have the bandages removed and the stitches
taken out.
After examining her, the doctor tells her everything
seems to have gone well, and she seems pleased
with his work. The next day, however, she calls the
plastic surgeon in a rage.
""You know what you did?"" she screams. ""You gave
me a man's ears.""
""Well,"" says the surgeon, ""an ear is an ear. What is
wrong? Can't you hear?""
""I hear everything,"" she says. ""The problem is I do not
understand anything I am told.
A woman goes to the doctor suffering many black and blue bruises...
Doctor: ""What happened?""
Woman: "" I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp.""
Doctor: ""I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor.""
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "" That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!""
Doctor: ""You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.
One said to the other, ""Why are we down in this
hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing
up there in the shade of a tree?""
""I don't know,"" responded the other. ""I'll ask him.""
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his
boss.
""Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're
standing in the shade?""
""Intelligence,"" the boss said.
""What do you mean, 'intelligence'?""
The boss said, ""Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand
on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist
as hard as you can.""
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried
to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand
and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said,
""That's intelligence!""
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend
asked, ""What did he say?""
""He said we are down here because of intelligence.""
""What's intelligence?"" said the friend.
The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said,
""Take your shovel and hit my hand.
Passed two guys obviously the worse of the weather (as my grandpa would've said). One pointed over his shoulder at church on other side of the road. 'Wedding.' said his mate. 'All Muslims' said the first guy.
Hard not to laugh, since he was standing across from Sherwood Church of Scotland.
Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children put on his ""Wellie boot's""?
He asked for help and she could see why..
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little ""Wellie's"" still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second ""Wellie"" on, she had worked up a sweat.Â
She almost cried when the little boy said, ""Miss, they're on the wrong feet.""
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the ""Wellie's"" off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the ""Wellie's"" back on, this time on the right feet..
He then announced, ""These aren't my Wellies.""
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting ""Wellie's"" off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the ""Wellie's"" off when he said,
""They're my brother's ""Wellie's"", my mom made me wear 'them.'Â
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the ""Wellie's"" on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, ""Now, where are your gloves?""
He said, ""I stuffed 'them in the toes of my Wellie's""..
She will be eligible for parole in three years!
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR..
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A
FAX!!
Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car†says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.†“I can’tâ€, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.†“Alright,†says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.†“Can’t do that either,†Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.†“Ok,†the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.†“Sorry,†says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.†“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.†“Can’t do that either†responds Jim. “Why not?†Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!â€
Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car†says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.†“I can’tâ€, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.†“Alright,†says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.†“Can’t do that either,†Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.†“Ok,†the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.†“Sorry,†says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.†“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.†“Can’t do that either†responds Jim. “Why not?†Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!â€
Bump !!!
Bump!
One day, God was looking down at earth, and saw all the misbehaving, (too much sex, illicit drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol and risque emails) that was going on so he called one of his angels to go to Earth.
When he returned, the angel told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are not'.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I should send down another angel, to get a second opinion'!
So, God called another angel, & sent him to Earth too.
When that angel returned, he went to God & said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because, he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something, to help them keep Going!
Do you know what the e-mail said ?
No ?
Okay, just checking with you.
I didn't get one either ...
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)...............
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
Love both of those Pauline, corking!!!!
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,
'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.
The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman,
smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'
The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old 'motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, ""What's the matter now?"" ""Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer,"" said Johnny through his tears. ""That's not so serious,"" soothed his mother. ""I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"" ""I did!"" sobbed Johnny.
Here's a good one I got from a daily 'funny round-up' email called Cup of Zup - nice daily laugh.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, ""If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finishes his drink, he asks the bartender, ""If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000 for the bullfrog. ""Sorry,"" the man replies, ""he's not for sale."" The stranger increases the offer to $250,000 cash up front. ""No,"" he insists, ""he's not for sale."" The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
""Are you insane?"" the bartender demanded. ""That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!""
""Don't worry about it,"" the man answered. ""The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist.
Extracts from letters written to local councils:
1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just
plain filthy.
11.. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and
not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third,
so please send someone round to do something about it.
17. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
18. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still
have no satisfaction.
19. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get
BBC2.
--
Bump !
Keep the jokes comming guys .
Great to read and make you smile when carnt
sleep xxx
A woman goes to the supermarket and buys a small milk pan, 1 face cloth and hand towel, 1ltr carton of milk , a single serving readimeal , one can of cider , 4 toilet rolls , and a single doughnut .
When she gets to the till the male cashier says ""single are you ?""
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "" Why in the world do you need cyanide?"" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, ""Lord, have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail, and I'll lose my license.""
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ""Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."".
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. ""Lord, I have a problem!""
""What's the problem, Eve?""
""Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy.""
""Why is that, Eve?"" came the reply from above.
""Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples.""
""Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.""
""What's a man, Lord?""
""This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly.""
""Sounds great."" says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
What's the catch, Lord?""
""Well ... you can have him on one condition.""
""What's that, Lord?""
""As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...
""You know, woman to woman.
sorry asthmagirl i'm pinching that for my facebook hahahaha
I found all these on line during one of my bored moments, I didn't chuckle one bit, but im sure in the dark nights around 3am, someone is bound to find them (or some at least) absolutely blinking hilarious!!
Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.
Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
Charlie Warlie, some of those reminded me of the jokes my brother used to like when he was a kid, such as
What to you call a 12foot high silverback gorilla?
Sir
Where should this gorilla sleep?
Anywhere he likes
What is black, lives in a tree and is extremely dangerous?
A crow with a machine gun
How do you get 2 elephants in a mini?
One in tne front and one in the back
How do you get 2 giraffes in a mini?
You can't - the elephants are in there
How do you get 2 whales in a mini?
Down the M4 and over the Severn bridge
I'll stop now, because they only get worse!
haha Annista, they were exactly what I was thinking when I pasted them from the website I read them on. I would classify these as the typical Christmas cracker joke, also ones like,
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Paddy says ""Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador.""Really, …"" says Mick ""have you seen how many of their owners go blind""
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said ""You're pulling my leg"".
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I
could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked . The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'
as requested!!
how do mules open locked barns!? - don-keys
and
what did one autumn leaf say to the other!? - im falling for you!!
xxx
My dutch mate got new shoes with built-in sat nav, i thought bloody clever clogs!!
'Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!'
'Oh, pull yourself together!'
'Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live!'
'Just hang on a minute, will you?'
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
what is king kong favourite food!? ... Ape-ricots lol
keeeeeepp smiling c:
xxx
How much fun xaxaxax
A gentle bump up !!!
Bumping up because I remembered this joke. Basically this is me lol.
A blonde walks into a hair salon to get her hair cut wearing headphones. The stylist asks her to take off her headphones but the blonde refuses. So the stylist takes them off and the blonde collapses to the ground and dies. The stylist picks up the headphones and hears, ""Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out...""
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
This Chap sees a sign in front of a house ""Talking Dog for Sale."" He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. The Chap goes into the back garden and sees a mutt sitting there.
""You talk?"" he asks.
""Yep,"" the mutt replies.
""So, what's your story?""
The mutt looks up and says, ""Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
""The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.""
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says ""Ten Pounds.""
The Chap says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, ""This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for ?10?""
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: ""HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.""
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, ""I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."" The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, ""The sign says you have to be good with a computer.""
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, ""I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job.""
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, ""Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.""
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, ""Meow.""
Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they ""lick"" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).
Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.
So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.
Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.
1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No, blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.
7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slide down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat. reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.
12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly, into tub, if possible, Do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
13. In about 2 hours it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed
six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker
could be following some kind of pattern.
A man is driving down a road and notices two penguins walking on the side of the road. He pulls over to inquire with them what they are up to as it's not everyday you see two Antartic animals on a road. He pulls over to them and asks what they are doing. One of them replies:
""we're lost and don't know where to go""
The driver replies:
""Not a problem, hop in and I'll drive you around to see if you recognise where you're supposed to be""
They get in and he drives off. A few moments later a policeman notices this car with the penguins and decides to pull them over to ask what's going on.
He asks the driver what he's doing with the penguins and he replies:
""They're lost and I'm trying to think of what I can do with them""
The policeman suggests:
""why don't you take them to the Zoo?""
""Great idea, Officer."", He replies.
Off he goes and the next day the policeman is sat in his car hoping to catch some speeders but instead notices the same car with the penguins in it so he chases after the car and pulls him over to ask him again about the penguins.
""I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?"", he inquires
""I did, Officer. They really enjoyed it, so we're off to the beach today.
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, ""Are there any Mexican Jews?""
The waiter says, ""I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.""
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, ""No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.""
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, ""Are you absolutely sure?""
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with ""Gringos"" replies, ""I check once again, senor,"" and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, ""I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.""
The waiter returns and says, ""Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews.""
""Are you certain?"" Abe asks again. ""I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!""
Ready for this.......
""Senor, I ask EVERYONE,"" replies the exasperated waiter. ""All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews.
(note: this is a parody, not actual medical information, but maybe should be. Consult your doctor.)
PREDNISONE – ORAL
(PRED-nih-sone)
COMMON BRAND NAME(S): Deltasone, Howilliatone, Gonnadiealone
USES: Prednisone is used to treat conditions such as arthritis, blood disorders, breathing problems, severe allergies, skin diseases, cancer, eye problems, inflammatory bowel disease, bad poison ivy, immune system disorders, and really anything involving inflammation.
Prednisone belongs to a class of drugs known as corticosteroids, which is misleading because it will not make you ripped like a body builder. Quite the opposite, in fact. Also, corticosteroids killed JFK. Seriously.
There’s also a whole class of drugs called ‘steroid-sparing agents’ — the idea being they may not be great drugs, but at least you don’t have to take prednisone.
HOW TO USE: Take this medication by mouth, with food or milk to prevent stomach upset, as directed by your doctor. Take the tablet form of this medication with a full glass of water or juice but not alcohol because you do not want to be any more impaired while you are on this drug. Seriously: drinking is a bad idea. If you are prescribed only one dose per day, take it in the morning before 9 A.M., then kiss your family good-bye, lock yourself in a quiet room, and wait for the monster to show its face.
Take this medication exactly as directed by your doctor. Follow the dosing schedule carefully. The dosage and length of treatment are based on your medical condition and the doctor’s s.w.a.g. as to what’s wrong with you. Any responsible physician would prescribe literally any other drug they could, so the fact that you are on this one means you are on thin ice already. Do not screw with your doctor’s instructions.
Do not stop taking this medication without consulting your doctor. Some conditions may become worse when this drug is suddenly stopped, like the urge to end your life in a spectacular fireball. To prevent immolation, your doctor may reduce your dose gradually, which will take f-o-r-e-v-e-r and be the most miserable several months of your life. That’s right, loser: you have to keep taking the drug so it won’t be more of a danger to you than it already is. Yay, medicine! Report any new or worsening symptoms immediately.
Tell your doctor if your condition persists or worsens, so they can prescribe you more prednisone, which means you will have to taper off it even longer.
Corticosteroids may mask some signs of infection, but we’re not going to bore you with medical jargon and just say: it will kill you, or at least mess you up permanently. Consult your doctor — or just CYD, because you’ll be seeing a lot more of it.
Before taking prednisone, tell your doctor or pharmacist if you are allergic to it; or if you have any other allergies. The only other way you can avoid taking prednisone is by telling your doctor it gives you ‘suicidal ideation’. Trust me — they’ll know what that means. CYD.
Before using this medication, tell your doctor or pharmacist your medical history, especially of: current/past infections, heart problems, high blood pressure, thyroid problems, kidney disease, liver disease, stomach/intestinal problems, bone loss, mental/mood disorders, eye diseases, diabetes, mineral imbalance… of course, the fact that you are reading this from the insert with your medicine means the doctor has already prescribed the drug — so, really, what are you gonna do at this point?
SIDE EFFECTS: Nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, heartburn, trouble sleeping, increased sweating, or acne may occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, CYD. Y D will not do anything, probably, but C nonetheless.
We were kidding about loss of appetite, you pig. The odds are about 1000% that you will eat everything you can fit in your stomach while on prednisone, to the point that you are achingly full and yet still ravenously hungry. Just for grins, we’ll put in some language like, “Tell your doctor right away if any of these unlikely but serious side effects occur: …unusual weight gain”. And your doctor will nod, and write it down, and send you home to dig the fat jeans out of your attic. CYD, for all the good it will do. Those marks on your butt are called ‘stretch marks’, by the way. Try cocoa butter.
Other serious side effects may include: puffy face, also known as ‘moon face’, also known as ‘hey-did-you-get-your-wisdom-teeth-out?’. It’s not serious. Literally nobody in the history of medicine has ever cared about moon face. But have fun looking at all your photos from now and trying to remember how miserable you are. Also your feet, ankles, and hands might swell — it’s like they invented a pill that creates PMS, instead of relieving it. You can CYD if you want to.
Let’s come back to ‘trouble sleeping’. Do you know when your long-term memories are formed? In sleep, which you won’t be doing while on this drug. So good luck remembering a single g—d— thing important about this period in your life. In school? Final exams coming up? Good luck with that. But CYD, and maybe try melatonin. Savor every moment, because it will be a foggy blur a year from now.
The sleep thing also affects your day-to-day functioning, in ways that are hard to predict. For example, you might find yourself getting into car accidents because your brain is so adled you can’t keep your eyes on the road. But then when the police show up, you will have no memory at all of how the accident happened, so you might get breathalyzed. They don’t test for prednisone, so you’re good to go. Don’t tell your auto insurer.
Prednisone will also impair your judgment in weird ways that we just don’t understand. Like buying crap: two weeks into this drug you may discover you have an insatiable need to collect all the Thundercats merch you can find on E-Bay, because that was an awesome cartoon and gosh being a kid was fun. Later you can confront the fact that just because you bought it online, does not mean anybody else wants to. And this is the low end of the spectrum: you might buy a car, or a pet, even a house, all because this drug made you believe it was absolutely the best decision ever. You think your doctor cares about your mortgage? Probably not, but maybe they want to decorate their office in Thundercats toys. No? Sigh.
Also tell your doctor right away if you get mood changes, ideally while sobbing uncontrollably, which you will be doing plenty of. Also, angry. Also, depression. Also, romantic. You’ll watch stupid commercials for baby products and they will just slay you. You will launch into furious HULK!-SMASH! rages for no reason at all. You will fall in love with that person who is totally wrong for you, like the atheist smoker who thinks your deepest-held beliefs are a total joke, and you will wring your heart empty falling in love for two weeks, at which point you will fall forever in love with the hot nurse in your doctor’s office for two weeks, lather, rinse, repeat. You might even try to kill yourself. The best part is that some of these changes might be permanent: you could still be an emotional cripple long after you stopped taking this drug. CYD on the suicidal ideation, of course.
This drug may mess up your vision. If you wear glasses or contacts, expect your prescription to change a point or two for every year you are on the drug. It can also cause glaucoma, and also cataracts. The good news is that the cataracts will be on the periphery of the lens, so they won’t need surgery. What, that’s not good news?
You may experience unusual hair growth. We mean body hair, of course. Don’t CYD, you gross shaggy monster — just Nair it or whatever. Yuck.
Just to give you a break, here’s one good thing: mosquito bites won’t itch as much when you are on prednisone. Sorry — it was all we could think of.
Remember that your doctor has prescribed this medication for reasons that sound important but really boil down to the fact that they have run out of ideas. Many people using this medication do not report serious side effects, but everyone around you knows something is wrong and you just won’t admit it. C to the Y to the D.
Multiple choice: this drug can give you a) cancer, b) Addison’s disease, c) diabetes, or d) all of these. Hint: CY*D*.
A very serious allergic reaction to this product is rare, but possibly not a bad way to go if you’re already considering killing yourself. Our attorneys nonetheless recommend we tell you to get medical help right away if you notice any symptoms of a serious allergic reaction, including: rash (not stretch marks), itching/swelling (especially of the face/tongue/throat — but not, you know, ‘moon face’, because that’s totally normal), severe dizziness (moderate dizziness okay), trouble breathing (unless you’re taking this for sarcoidosis, in which case we mean more trouble breathing).
Here’s some other things this drug might do to you, which are very serious blah blah blah CYD: muscle pain/cramps, irregular heartbeat, weakness, signs of infection (such as fever, persistent sore throat), vomit that looks like coffee grounds (unless you’ve been eating coffee grounds, weirdo), black/bloody stools, severe stomach/abdominal pain, slow wound healing, thinning skin, bone pain, menstrual period changes, seizures, easy bruising/bleeding. See! Why! Dee!
Now the best part: this is not a complete list of possible side effects. If you notice other effects not listed above, contact your doctor or pharmacist. All that time you’re not sleeping you can spend wondering if every little thing wrong with you is a side effect of prednisone. Hint: yes; yes, it is. CYD.
GENERAL PRECAUTIONS:
Here’s a mouthful: drug-induced secondary adrenocortical insufficiency may be minimized by gradual reduction of dosage. This type of relative insufficiency may persist for months after discontinuation of therapy. Since mineralocorticoid secretion may be impaired, salt and/or a mineralocorticoid should, be administered concurrently. Did you get that? No? Well, remember JFK? This is how he died: steroids gave him Addison’s Disease (‘adrenocortical insufficiency’) which impaired his bone development (‘mineralcortoid secretion’) and gave him a bad back. He had to wear a back brace much of the time, which is why he was still sitting up in the limo when the second bullet popped his melon. Everyone else ducked. Seriously. And now you’re on that exact same drug. You really want to brush your teeth with the most fluoride you can buy, because the mineralcortoid thing means your enamel will rot otherwise.
Corticosteroids should be used cautiously in patients with ocular herpes simplex — yes, eye herpes, you animal — because of possible lpopped eyeballs. Just FYI, you know. Definitely put that up on YouTube if it happens, because we are dying to know what it looks like.
The lowest possible dose of corticosteroid should be used to control the condition under treatment, ideally zero mg-Kelvin/day, and when reduction in dosage is possible, the reduction should be gradual, or else you might just go ahead and kill yourself.
Psychic derangements may appear when corticosteroids are used, ranging from euphoria, insomnia, mood swings, personality changes, and severe depression. This is why Jane Pauley disappeared from TV a while back. Did you know she’s married to the Doonesbury guy? Also, existing emotional instability or psychotic tendencies may be aggravated by corticosteroids. You literally cannot C enough Ds on this one.
Kaposi’s sarcoma has been reported to occur in patients receiving corticosteroid therapy. This is the same cancer that people with full-blown AIDS get, so good luck explaining that to your parents.
(again with the note: this is a parody, not actual medical information, but maybe should be. Consult your doctor. This list was bastardized from RXList, which has more accurate information that might save your life. Read everything that comes with your prescription and CYD!!)
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated,Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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Losing my confidence in treatment. 
Update: Severe Asthma (Eosinophilic) & Clinic referral & Fatigue
New adult onset asthma
asthma worsened by naproxen
Any advice on explaining severe asthma to doctors and nurses?
