Problems that my husband jokes about my symptoms

[Paulline]

has anyone else had the same problem?

[mylungshateme]

sorry what do you mean that he jokes about your symptoms? Or have i read that wrong?

[Paulline in reply to mylungshateme]

Think he is laughing it of maybe because he is scared of the outcome (but I am just trying to inform of what it could be)I am scared also

[mylungshateme in reply to Paulline]

when we're scared we can sometimes build that very protective wall around us and for some, making a joke being silly is how they know to cope.

He knows you, and is maybe struggling to know the new chapter of you with limitations?

if he is feeling scared and in turn vulnerable and maybe helpless that he is unable to protect you or make you better or ease your anxiety, by joking he thinks maybe it'll pick you up a little?

My partner sometimes gets really cross at me that im making myself worse. For example i was unable to work or in fact do much due to SOB etc for 18 months, so now im back at work only recently im understandably exhausted and yes its a struggle but i want to work while i can at least its a positive exhausted. Yes my lungs struggle, and i need recovery time but its good for me its not like my condition is managed even at rest. He gets very frustrated with me an wants me to just rest before i end up in hospital. I know he's worried but im not stupid either i know whst i can do. When we live with chronic/ life limiting conditions we learn to adapt the best we can as we have no choice to keep going. For our partners i guess its harder they either want to wrap you up and rest until well the end... or almost pretend its not real or maybe just unable to process the new info and relate it their loved one? Also maybe he could join this site to understand things a little obviously dont tell him your name so your still free to express things. X

[Katinka46]

I see that you are new to the group. Welcome, it is very friendly, informative and supportive.

Do you mean that your husband makes fun of the difficulties you have breathing?

Some men will make a joke about things because they want to deflect and distract themselves from the reality. Have you tried telling him what effect it has on you?

Very happy to hear more of your story

K x

[sassy59]

Welcome to you. I think your husband needs a reality check. Sit him down and calmly tell him how you feel. How everyday life is affected by your symptoms and then explain to him how none of it is funny.

Good luck to you. Xxx

[mylungshateme in reply to sassy59]

this is why i thought i had read it wrong. Also didn't realise a newbie so welcome 🙂 i do hope he starts to understand the impact its having on you. Maybe try a short YouTube clip of your condition an watch together?

[Caspiana]

Hello Pauline. 🙂👋

May I ask going long this has been going on and how long have you been ill? When you say he jokes do you mean he tries to make the situation light hearted? Or is he ridiculing your struggles?

There is of course a myriad of reasons why he would do this. Like Kate saud maybe he is trying for your situation not to be real. I find that sometimes people who are closest to you and should be the ones who understand the most do not have a single clue, nor are they empathetic. Sometimes people even change when faced with the fact that their family member is chronically ill and will never recover.

After I was diagnosed and told I need a lung transplant my health went completely down the drain. I could not walk without needing to stop. I tried to hold on to someone's arm for support and they turned away and told me to "get a walking stick". I was also called (apparently jokingly) "handicapped" to my face. Needless to say this really, really hurt.

I thought to myself then, I'd rather be struggling on my own than put up with this. However, your situation might be quite different. The only way you will know is to ask what is going on. Make it clear it makes you sad. In all probability he doesn't realize what he's doing. I sincerely hope he is otherwise sympathetic and helpful. The worse thing in the world is to struggle when there are people who supposedly love you doing nothing to help. If your people sit back and watch you struggle, they are not your people.

Please keep us posted. I really know what this feels like and it can be a very lonely place to be. Sending love.

Cas xx 🌿

[Greenthorn in reply to Caspiana]

Cas, that is such a wonderful reply, along with Kate's. I was wet-eyed reading what you have suffered. How people, even family, seem unable or unwanting to understand ones suffering. I have seen this with my own deafness. I have seen this from members of my family in respinse to my mother having Alzheimers. Where oh where is the love one deserves. I thank God you survived. You richly bless this site.

[Caspiana in reply to Greenthorn]

I'm sorry to hear this David. Alzheimer's is an unimaginably horrible disease and for those who care very traumatic to watch the deterioration. Deafness is nothing to scorn either. People can be very cruel. The sad part is if the roles were reversed we would probably react much differently. xx 😟

[Greenthorn in reply to Caspiana]

Thanks Cas, appreciated. I think Moy said on this thread that it's not uncommon for a child with a bad leg to be called Hopalong , either in a cruel way or a loving (endearing) way. I'm not sure if I agree. I'd rather that child be called a name that represented something less trivial. Look beyond the bad leg. Make up a name that symbolises that persons courage in adversity. Like Hero. Expand the persons character, dont diminish it. So I could be called Radar cos I'm perceptive! Now what would I call you? Life? Air? Courage? I think you'd be happy with Teacher.❤️ PS My mother's nickname was Solomon as a girl..

[Caspiana in reply to Greenthorn]

Why Solomon? 🤔

[Greenthorn in reply to Caspiana]

From my what I remember my mother telling me, I think it was used to tease her because she was wise or knew too many answers. Probably given to her by family members. But my mother was both a pragmatic and kind person and had a strong faith.

[Patk1 in reply to Caspiana]

🤗😘x

[Paulline in reply to Caspiana]

not been diagnosed but had radiotherapy a few years ago and there was problems lining all my tattoos up, I can feel in my breathing shortness of breath, my peak flow is a constant 330-340 for the last 2 weeks.unless i get a cold then it dropped to 270 for a few days(think hubby may be scared and that's his release i hope)

[Caspiana in reply to Paulline]

You know chemotherapy and radiotherapy can potentially cause lung issues like chronic radiation pneumonitis. Have you informed your doctor about this? xx

[Greenthorn]

PPauline, you have been blessed by two wonderfully supportive replies.

I

[CDPO16]

Hi and welcome PPauline. There was a time when my husband reacted in a similar way. It was his way of dealing with a situation he was struggling to come to terms with. Years later he still finds it difficult to cope with my difficulties as I was always the healthiest of the 2 of us and my illness has been hard for him to accept. All that said, his reaction was quite hurtful. I hope your situation improves if you are able to sit and discuss things with your husband.

[Paulline in reply to CDPO16]

thank you I think he is finding it hard to get his head around it not been diagnosed (but i know I have scared lungs with radiotherapy treatment I can feel it everytime I breath especially now it's getting colder.

[Biofreak]

PPauline. Welcome. Being unable to breathe properly is no joke. Making light of it is not funny, it's cruel. You deserve better. When my husband developed IPF I couldn't quite believe it at first. Out of the two of us I was the one who had always had the chronic health conditions. It was frightening and heartbreaking to see him struggle to breathe, this man who had always been strong and capable. There has not been one single time that I have ever joked about any of it. I decided that I was going to have to man up to look after him, which is what he deserves after working hard all his life . And because it is what he would do for me. I know nothing about your relationship but I do know you deserve better. You are upset by his attitude, quite understandibly, so you should tell him how it makes you feel and to stop making a joke out of your suferring. Lots of love and good luck.

[Damon1864 Volunteer]

Hi Pauline and welcome to the site.y husband is usually pretty good with me, but over time he has started to make a little gum of me in I laugh but it isn't very nice when hr does do it. Sp you aren't on your own with this one. Have a good night and take care 😊 Bernadette and Jack 🐕 xxxxxxx 🌻🌻

[djbctla]

hi PPauline,

Bring your husband to the Doctor/Consultant and Allow him to hear from the horses mouth how your health is.

It could b a wake up call for him, and change his attitude.

Some people don’t understand how difficult it is to have lung problems.

Ask the Consultant or Doctor to explain the facts.

This worked with my husband.

He thought I was being mean asking him not to smoke in the house.

Best of luck

Bernardine

[slram]

If mine did, I'd be with him a whole minute.

[Thepainterswife]

Hi Pauline , I can understand how your husbands attitude makes you feel , on the other hand as a carer for my husband I can kinda see we’re he’s coming from . I would never laugh at my husbands symptoms but I must admit I’m not overly sympathetic. I tend to do whatever’s necessary to make him feel better but make light of his complaints ( unless of course I feel the symptoms are a sign of something that requires an ambulance , but even then I remain calm and positive for his sake ) My own feeling is that if I stay calm and don’t make a big deal of it he will feel less worried , even though at times I may actually be worried sick . I’m sure you’re husband is just dealing with a difficult situation in the best way he can and is probably a lot more concerned than he might appear to be . 😊

[MoyB]

Welcome!

I think my husband used to joke more about things when I first became unwell. It was his way of coping with it. Sometimes he would also sound a bit annoyed eg when I kept falling asleep or couldn't walk far or fast.

I asked him to come to the doctor with me as I wondered if he thought I was making things up. I think it helped him to be able to ask the doctor questions. Eg 'Why is my wife sleeping so much.' Ans: 'With all the medication she is on, I would be more surprised if she WASN'T sleeping a lot. Her body needs to rest at the moment.'

It seemed to me that hearing from someone else about my condition helped to make it real for my husband. I've no doubt he would deny all knowlege of this (he's a bloke after all - sorry, I know that sounds sexist) but it wasn't always easy in the early days.

I think people often find it hard to know the best way to be around someone with a chronic illness. They don't want to dwell on it in case it makes the person feel worse so they often try to lighten it up for them. It's not uncommon for someone with a bad leg to be called Hopalong, which can be said in a loving way or a spiteful way, depending on the tone of voice. Could it be that some of your husband's jokes are intended to show that he's trying to be 'alongside you'?

I hope that he soon gets the message that it's really not that funny to have a chronic illness and that he offers you the support you need.

Definitely, I would recommend asking him to come to your medical appointments and make sure you tell him how his remarks make you feel.

xx Moy

[strongmouse]

I recall my husband getting quite impatient with me one of the first times I had an asthma attack (didn't know that was what it was at the time). We were packing the car to go away for a few days and meeting some friends. We were running late and I had to sit down on the nearby wall to catch my breath. He was trying to hurry me up and got impatient when I said, between caught, short breaths, give me a minute. He did though and as our car has air conditioning I felt better once I was in the car.

That was many years ago, and he understands now and is supportive. If you need to talk something over perhaps try the Asthma / British Lung UK phone line. I have phoned them and they are really helpful and supportive. Once you have a clearer diagnosis and know how to manage I expect he will find it easier too.