Tonight after feeling so really low for so long now I thought I would talk to my husband , as all the advice tells you to share how you feel 😳 , so I did telling him the only reason I get out of bed in the morning is to feed the dogs as my misery should not make them go without 😳 instead of understanding I got “ instead of feeling sorry for yourself why not go out for a little ride out on your scooter “ …….. back to shut down mode and dealing with myself 😢😢
Mmm well I’m speechless !!: Tonight... - Lung Conditions C...
Mmm well I’m speechless !!
Written by
cales
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61 Replies
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Oh dear! You’re husband like so many, has no idea how to deal with how you’re feeling. To be honest, Pete would be similar I feel. You’d be better talking to us here or a counselling service perhaps. There is help out there and you’re not alone dear friend.
I hope you get the help you really need and perhaps then your husband will take you seriously.
Tahrs care xxxx🌹💜💛
This is a great site I just thought that maybe he could give me a little support and understanding , I’ve never really grieved for my mum because by the time we had sorted her flat and funeral I thought then I could start the grieving process but by then the moment was classed as passed and he didn’t understand why I was still missing her 😢 I’m making him sound like a cold callus b*****d and in some respects he is but he deals with everything by burying his feelings then moving on , it’s not the first time in our 31 year marriage he’s told me I enjoy feeling sorry for myself I just wish he could understand how alone that makes me feel , I have adult children but to me they are still children and I don’t expect them to support me emotionally but would be nice if my husband could 😢 anyway moan finished I’ve had bad times before and come through so it’s just a case of treading water until I come through this xx thank you for the understanding and words of encouragement it’s very much appreciated xxxx
That seems to be the way he is cales which is a shame. Maybe try one or more of your children as just maybe they would provide a listening ear quite happily. I know my daughter would do her very best to help me if I needed her to. You’re not a burden I’m sure and you’re not moaning either.
I do understand and I’m here for you as are we all. You grieve for your mum as much as you need to for as long as you need to.
Lots of love xxx❤️💜💖
(PS, i lost my beloved mother a few years ago and i miss her dreadfully every day, i still grieve, and there is a void that will always be there. I understand how you must be feeling.)
I do feel that it’s the hole left from Mum that is at the bottom of how I feel , I seem to have lost the purpose to my day , 😢
Yes, i understand, it’s very hard to put everything into perspective. Try and think positive, i, like you, have animals who rely on me to feed them and be there for them, and i try and think of all the good things in each day. The pandemic had ruined a lot of lives and we struggle to carry on, but we must.
I know for sure my mom wouldn’t want me miserable, even though i cry a lot.
I have grown up children and one of my daughters is so good at listening and a great comfort to me.
There are lovely friends on here who listen and give comforting words.
I hope you feel brighter soon.🙂
I lost my sweetest little Mum 20 years ago, I still ache badly.
Ask him to give you an assist with getting your scooter out,whilst he is struggling with the task purloin his credit card and don't forget to give him a wave as you run over his foot en route to the nearest 5 star hotel with a en suite spa and well stacked mini bar.You can reverse the charges when you call him for an apology from your very expensive room.As you can see i never did get my credentials in councelling Cales but maybe others on here will have a little more skill.
Love Ski's and Scruff's
🙃😻 x
Love it that actually made me laugh out loud 😂
I think you needed that laugh cales, you are very down and its a shame you can't share your innermost feelings with your husband. Sadly some men can't deal with emotional problems very well and actively avoid getting into uncomfortable positions. Perhaps a little day trip somewhere and a change of scenery would help get you both out. After all we are social human beings. I feel a bit like you sometimes as I live alone and my husband died 17 years ago. There are times I just have to get out and about or meet up with friends. I put it down to the pandemic and long lockdown which prevented many social get gatherings. I always feel so muc h better when I'm with friends having laugh and a natter. Anyway whenever you feel a bit down come on our friendly forum and share your feelings. We are all here for each other and certainly understand how you are feeling.
Love RR xx
Me too, cales ….I shall remember Skis advice .Laughter is the best medicine so they say , and a bit of retail therapy .
Cales laughter goes a long way and i hope you and hubby can resolve things and laugh together again.😊 x
He’s not a bad old stick , but as so many have said on here he struggles with feelings of any description and tends to stick his head in a bucket of sand and hope someone else will fix it , I don’t normally express my feelings to him and thought that maybe he might be a little sympathetic but clearly not , well it’s no great hardship , I can and will deal with how I feel , there has been lots of advice offered and I think maybe I should explore some of those avenues , many thanks Mike for making me smile and even chuckle xx
Just love it , thanks Mike for making me laugh, it helps to lift me out of the doldrums x
Pahahaha now that's my kind of reply!!! Brilliant 👌🏽🤣😂😆x
I love this reply! X
My elder son was diagnosed with autism 20 years ago and my husband and I realised he is mildly autistic as well. He is kind and caring in the practical sense but has no real understanding of how I feel and tends to get up and walk away if I try to talk about feelings (his or mine). There is a professor at Cambridge who is convinced that most men are on the autistic spectrum to a greater or lesser degree, even if not diagnosed. It is certainly much less common in women. You would probably be better off going to a counsellor and getting it off your chest. I wish you all the best xx
Whoa shoot that professor at Cambridge says a disgruntled soft centred Ski's 🤨 x
Only most, not all men skis.
Don't shoot the professor. If he's the one I'm thinking off, he's done a grand job in helping 'normal' people to understand autism and helping auties to help themselves. one unfortunate remark does not justify knocking him off.
May not be of much help. My husband was very similar, have some good friends who I talk to, and who have been invaluable whilst this pandemic has been going on. My husband died in 2013 (severe heart attack after years of suppressing all emotions, and refusing to see a doctor since he left school). What fascinates me is that I feel less alone without him, than I did when he was here, but had a very limited things about which he would talk. I just accepted what he was, and built up friends and eventually had some valuable Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, after talking to my GP about how I felt. All the best and keep your chin up, or maybe have a large bar of chocolate.
My husband was the same. He would book a ‘mans ‘ trip away with his friends if I tried to explain thatI felt undervalued and somewhat lonely. For most of our 32 years together he worked abroad, sometimes I joined him for contracts but trying to arrange school places and get to grips with new countries wore me down and I stayed at home. I have been living alone for almost 13 years and actually feel more confident as there is no one else to deal with situations and I take pride now in self sufficiency. I have a best friend thst I can unburden to and I never had that level of support before.
I know how you feel, Mars is nowhere near Venus....
Hello Cales,
I took a long break and missed many posts , so I'm not sure what's been happening in your life. I can well understand the pain and hurt feeling of having someone you think is closest to you seemingly turn a cold shoulder to your pain. It makes us build forts to protect from further disappointment. But this makes things worse, because we suffer in silence and eventually it feeds on us and takes away who we are and worse destroys the spirit.
I am hoping your husband is not always this way. He obviously lacks empathy. I sincerely hope there are others close to you , you can confide in. If you feel you can't share at least get a hug because it makes so much difference. I'm so sorry it's a difficult time. You know you can come here anytime and receive support, empathy and understanding.
Sending you a gentle hug.
Cas xx 🌿🌼🌱
Oh dear Cales not good. I suppose you have tried to explain to him how you feel and how he can help you? A good friend of min has a husband like that and she has taught him how to be more 'human' over the years and he is quite a bit better now.
At the moment though his father has died of cancer and he refuses to speak to her abut this and gets very angry when she tries to show support or care. She is completely fed up with him and is talking about leaving him. It's been weeks now.
Some men go into their man cave and bury their feelings like yours or just think you want advice instead of a listening ear. Do you have female friends you can talk too, I think they are essential.
I also believe many men are on the autistic spectrum with some worse than others. Maybe it's part of men don't cry or never show weakness because their fragile male ego can never admit it. They feel less of a 'man'. We women of course all know feelings are instead a sign of strength instead.
I love skis idea ha ha.
Hi cales, I am hopeful you will accept the following suggestions/advice for what they are, a good faith effort toward improving your mental and physical well-being:
1) speak with your physicians, girlfriends, church & social groups et al, and see if there may be formal or informal support groups available to you.
2) ask your physicians for referral to a psychologist for likely group sessions that often provide the best advice of all.
3) take the first step forward in your mental health and physical well-being. By all and every means possible get yourself up and ‘out and about’ a bit every day, whether that is sitting outside, going for a stroll, or using your scooter to take a short trek. This will almost certainly improve your well-being, and trust me on this , your ‘attitude’ is central to your mental and physical well-being.
And finally, while your husband seemingly may not offer a shoulder to lean on , many of us have or have faced similar situations. In all truth , he likely wants you to feel ‘better’, but lacks the interpersonal skills to be of much assistance.
Please take the first step forward cales; you have much to live for and new roads to travel!
All & Only Best Wishes, judg69
Hi cakes.must be so hard 4u.have u spoken to yr go- if not,I would talk to them.Also Mindsmatter offer counselling,CBT etc.they are very helpful and really worth ringing
07779 455617
They are nhs so privacy is respected.
We r here for you,too xx
That’s men for you they just don’t listen
I am sorry that you are struggling so much and not receiving the support that you need. Need, not want. I cannot add to the excellent advice, care, support from members here. Please come on the forum and have a good moan whenever you need to.K xxx
My heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is to get the courage to open up to someone then to decide the best way to approach it. To have your concerns brushed aside by someone so close must have been devastating Please continue to talk to the wonderful folk on this site and consider asking for professional help. X
Hi Cales - sorry you're feeling down. Your husband seems to be getting flack on here. Perhaps he doesn't have the skills to help you and realises that whatever he says is no use. I don't know for how long you have felt this way; maybe he tried and failed continually. Some won't accept help until they're ready. Whatever you do keep trying; as many on here have said. It's important to get the adrenaline going; so get active in some way, any way. Best wishes.
Sorry to hear this but I think most men don't know how to deal with feelings - theirs or other peoples.
Hi Cales, I'm so sorry to hear this. My daughter has Asperger syndrome and it was after her diagnosis that we realised that my husband was also on the spectrum (as is my father, sorry Skis!)I'm just wondering if you can refer yourself to a Talking Therapy service (as they're now called at my surgery). I guess it depends on what area you are in. Also, I was told recently that you can self refer to MIND. If you'd prefer to chat anonymity on the phone there are quite a few services available. I can give you some phone numbers.
Definitely agree with others that you can confide in one of your children. I wonder how they find their father's attitude.
Take care
I understand how you feel. I don’t want to explain my life history on here but i went through exactly the same. Be good to yourself, you know how you feel . Do what you want to do. Sometimes people can make us feel we aren’t doing what we should be doing, but that’s unfair, we know our limits.
Take care and stay safe.
I did read somewhere that men are born problem solvers ,its in their DNA.,hence the scooter advice! Not your solution however! Women are born with more communication skills which seemingly have helped the hum,an race survive. How true all of this is I don't know. I do know that I usually discuss my feelings more with my daughters than with my son. I understand your down feelings so well,I've not coped with lockdown, increasing ill health and the recent loss of my eldest daughter,its a daily struggle. Do you think that he might have been hurt by your remark about only getting up to see to your dogs? Perhaps he needs to know that he is important too. Good luck anyway, if all else fails we are here for you.
Alot of men and women just dont deal with depression Cales so you need to look elsewhere for help and advice. Lots of good advice on here and i can understand its hard taking that first step but for your own self you need to talk to someone. I also think grieving goes on for alot longer than some people think, there is no easy answer, allow yourself to cry, talk to your mum. Its a hole that is never filled but does get easier with time x
In your position cakes, I would try to get my support from women friends, as I don’t think your husband will change in the short term. Try looking at Townswomens Guild, WI, church groups, social groups etc. I belong to TG, and really enjoy the company of the members, they have quite a few offshoot groups, rambles, book club, board games, Trivial Pursuits, coffee mornings etc. I know it sounds a bit tame, but it gets you out the house, enjoy other people’s company and have a laugh with them. I hope your life will be better soon.
Sorry, I meant Cales, not cakes!
There are times when my husband would react in a similar way, not because he doesn't care but because he copes best by pushing things to the back of his mind and because he often feels that he can't help. Lots of support for you here cales. I hope that it brings you some comfort.
Hi cales- I am sorry to hear you are feeling so low . Maybe your husband reacts in this way as he doesn't know what to say or do to help you. I went to see a counsellor through my GP service a number of years ago and it was so helpful talking to someone removed from the situation. I just cried all the way through my first session. I find that my children are quite helpful now they are 30+ but of course they too have their own burdens so I don't like to pester them now. x Take care. x
Gosh Cales I know exactly how you feel. My husband is the same. When I have challenged him about what he says to me, he says it's to try a give me a lift to try and be happier. I don't think some men have the gift of knowing what to say, they feel uncomfortable with it all. Like you I hardly ever tell him how I'm feeling emotionally I leave that to telling my 2 grown up children and people on this forum. It's a pity though as I would love to share my thoughts with my husband we will be married 50 years in January., so I have grinned and bared it most of these years.
A bit cruel and unthinking but he might be right about the run out. Do something for yourself something that pleases you, a treat perhaps or a new hobby. Listen to some music you like. I hope this is just a phase and you will be able to shake off the black cloud. CBT is very good, I see somebody left a number for Mindmatters, try them first.
Hello cales. I am sorry to hear of your husband's response. We all feel sorry for ourselves sometimes and have to pick ourselves up. But you are supposed to be there for each other and to lift each other up. Sadly i think we get too complacent and wear each other down the longer we are together. I noticed a lot of problems when I retired early to enjoy life and it was a big challenge being together 24 hours a day and caused wider divisions and arguments. And I found out some people are not morning people at all. You have friends on here to let off steam with. Which is the best way Take care
Sorry I just read this.Sounds like he is genuinely trying to get to grips with things and ways to help.
You will find a post from me tomorrow / Today B4 I read this, see, if you want confusion, Just talk to me.
😂
Aww! Men can be so cruel sometimes. My Husband would have been like that. We were married for 51 years and he didn’t change. I knew he really cared so I accepted he wasn’t a sensitive soul. I’m sure you know deep down he doesn’t mean to be hard but it’s the way they are brought up. You’ve got your little dogs to give you all the love and attention. I’m on my own and quite honestly I wouldn’t be without my cat. Humans have a special bond with animals
Your Husband has probably taken in all you said and now maybe you will get the help you need. Some men take a long time to process things. I hope you are feeling better soon.
I’ve just read you lost your Mum. No wonder you are feeling so down. I lost my Mum in 2006 and my Father in 2011 then I lost my Husband in 20014. I could accept my Mum and Dad going because they were at the end and I wouldn’t have wanted them to go on suffering. It wouldn’t have been very kind. My Husband however was too young to die and that was devastating. We do get over it but it just takes time. Give yourself that time and in the meantime try to keep your mind occupied. Otherwise grief can take over you.
Xxx don’t be discourared
Read your post with sadness,please do reach out to your GP or whoever you feel comfortable talking to.My hubby is the sweetist soul on earth but totally unable to cope with having a wife with severe lung disease and a bone lesion.He copes by hoping it will go away and ignores it.
Some days when the bone lesion is so painful I have been in a similar place to you.
However bad it is I get out a pen and paper and write down 5 things I am thankful for.I don't want to diminish your pain but thought maybe little steps may help.
Am sending you huge hugs and remember there are loadsa folk on here who have much wiser advice than me and hearts as big as a bucket.You are never alone.
Hi cales. After reading all the posts I don't think I can add anything more to help you, apart from saying that I am really sorry to hear you are feeling so very low after your husband's reaction to you reaching out to him. It does sound as though he is unable to verbalise his own feelings, and so it's not that he doesn't care about you, he just doesn't know what to say, or how to say it. There is so much help out there and of course here on the forum, where there are many ready to help you and give support. I wish you all the best and hope you can find some peace. Take care. Carol xxx❤️
I'm not sure what's worst - a husband who doesn't seem to care or one who pretends to care but you can see them thinking, 'Oh, not again!'
I know that mine really does care - but he still has a short attention span when it comes to listening to my 'woes'.
If you asked him, he would no doubt tell you that he has never experienced depression personally - although I know that he has. He just doesn't admit to it. He has had to live with me going through depression but clearly doesn't quite get how it works. He bottles things up and gets physical symptoms like IBS. He was surprised when a doctor once told him that the problem with his bowels was due to stress in the workplace due to the new computer system. He just hadn't made a connection and is still amazed that the two things were linked.
I am more inclined to talk about the things that are bothering me on the basis of 'a trouble shared is a trouble halved'. I see his eyes glaze over and think, 'Time to give it a rest,' and I then thank God we have this group to share things that are bothering us.
But, you know, I think Skis has the right approach. I think if you follow his wise guidance, you'll soon have hubby under control! If not, you'll have had a good laugh trying. xx Moy
Debs_ALUKPartnerBritish Lung Foundation
Hello cales
I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so low. Obviously this is perfectly understandable. Would you benefit from some outside help perhaps? Your GP may be able to recommend someone you can talk to who is trained in helping those who are grieving. I have added a few links below to organisations who would be ready to take your call. Do reach out to them if you feel you need to and of course you will find great support on here.
cruse.org.uk/get-help/helpline
Take care of yourself
Debs
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